How long have you/will you wait for your BPD SO to come back to you?

[gadget]

Hi all!

So... My wife left almost 5 months ago.  And I am being patient.  Doing all the self care things I should.  Yoga, Meditation, talking on this forum, going to Therapy, talking with friends and family, getting out and doing things for myself.

And I do feel WAY better than I did in the beginning.  But I don't want to wait forever to have her back in my life as my companion, or find a new one.  I think I will wait 1 year, then ask her if there is any chance for us to get back together.  

Our conversations are mostly good.  No fighting.  Just zero talk of us.  Like she lost all of her feelings for me.  The only closeness I get (and still appreciate) is that she notices when I need a haircut and she will offer and give me one.

I don't want to be alone.

Thanks all!

Gadget

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JNChell]

Hello, gadget. I don’t reply on this board very much, but I read it quite often. I know the things that you’re feeling. Not exactly, but I’ve been through the emotional gauntlet. I’ve never been married, but I share a child with a very difficult woman and have had troublesome relationships before her.

Self care is very important so stick to it and continue to find new ways to feel better and healthier. How’s therapy going? Do you feel like progress is being made?

And I do feel WAY better than I did in the beginning.

This is good! This question might cause redundancy, but why do you think that is?

Our conversations are mostly good.  No fighting.  Just zero talk of us.

Have things maybe decompressed with distance? How do you think things would go if you got back together tomorrow? Is she getting help for herself?

The only closeness I get (and still appreciate) is that she notices when I need a haircut and she will offer and give me one.

What are your thoughts on this? Are you getting what you can emotionally from her? Is she keeping you just close enough? What do you think this means?

I don't want to be alone.

That’s very well understood here. I know what you’re saying. It does sound like you have a pretty solid support group though. That’s a good thing.

Sometimes we have to be outside of these situations to really be able to look at them and make choices and decisions that are best for us as individuals.

You’re contemplating a 1 year plan. What are you hoping to see in 1 year from both sides? 

[gadget]

Hello JNChell,

Thanks for coming out to say hi!

Therapy for me is going great.  The therapist even said you can come back if you want to.  She says I'm doing amazingly well with coping, lessening my codependency, self care, etc.  I usually go every 2 weeks, now I think it is every 3 weeks.  My wife comes over and watches my special needs son so I can go to therapy.  She always has offered and honored that.  I will keep going to therapy.  I'm afraid if my wife sees me stop, then she will stop.  She needs it more than I do.  Many times she told me she was going to skip a therapy appointment because she couldn't afford it.  I told her, that she needs to go and I will always pay for that when she cannot.

I think I feel better by focusing on me.  Signing up for a Yoga class, talking to you all here and friends and family.  I also read TONS of eBooks like Stop Walking on Eggshells, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Boundaries in Marriage, Buddism for Beginners, Trauma Stewardship (Which my T recommended as the reason my wife left is from Compassion Fatigue and helping me care for my special needs son over the last 25 years), many books on Mindfulness, High Conflict Couple, Safe People, I Hate You Don't Leave me).  I have 71 Self Help books like this on my Kindle  And I've been practicing Radical Acceptance.

Things have decompressed with distance.  We were never angry at each other.  I was very mad, sad, cried more than I ever have in my life.  And I still do have those moments.  The silence still is the worst, may not hear from her in days.  But when we do chat via text it is more wordy than before.  I still have some issues.  Like she has a guy room mate in her apartment.  Works 3rd shift, she never sees him, totally platonic, only there to help with rent money.  That still is hard for me to accept.
She is getting help for herself.  She goes to therapy as well every 2 weeks and we both see the same therapist which I think is helpful.  If we got back together tomorrow ...?  Hmm.  I don't trust her, there was an infidelity (only a kiss with an old crush).  Would take me a long time and much couples therapy to get back to close to normal.

I'm really getting next to nothing emotionally from her.  Although sometimes she has still called me hun and babe, and the haircuts.  That is all I get.  We co-parent well, but that is all.  For our 30th wedding anniversary I texted her "Thinking of you on our 30th Wedding Anniversary, love you, miss you".  I had to say it.  Hate keeping this all inside.  Her response?  "I know today will be hard for you, and if it is, I'm sorry".  Like she lost all emotions for me.  I  feel she still cares for me.  She had told me "I will always love you".  And "We are still a team.  I still need you in my life, that hasn't changed".  But has also said "I have no intention of coming back"  then later said "Well...I didn't say never ever".

I do have great support, and it helps tremendously.  It still doesn't replace my missing companion.  But I manage.

In 1 year, I hope therapy helps enough to help her to decide to come back or not.  My daughter, son in law, 7 month old grandson, and my special needs son all live with me.  She misses out on them every day.  How can her need to get away be greater than seeing a baby everyday?  I don't get it.  But I hope she gets it.  Myself and my kids all feel abandoned by her.  None of my kids really want anything to do with her.  She also avoids family gatherings, doesn't post on FB.

Thanks for your time, wisdom and kind words.  SO appreciated.  I hope to hear more from you

Thank you!

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

 She misses out on them every day.  How can her need to get away be greater than seeing a baby everyday?  I don't get it.  But I hope she gets it.  Myself and my kids all feel abandoned by her.  None of my kids really want anything to do with her.  She also avoids family gatherings, doesn't post on FB.

I hear you Gadget, my W misses out on the grand babies everyday and they are only here for a short few months and she chose to leave during it.  Me and my kids also feel abandoned by her.  My W avoids anything to do with us and we are basically the only family she has.  I understand everything you are feeling.

Back to your original question.  How long to wait?  I think that's a personal decision, what might work for you might not work for me let's say.  One of us might have been married for 20+ years and it's harder or easier because they have been letting go slowly already.  Personally, I have moments when I want to throw in the towel right now, but that's not in my nature.  I don't give up on things that easily.  Most of the time I want to fight for her and our marriage and think I will wait forever.  I have made the decision that I will not get into another relationship for a very very long time, if not ever.  I don't want to be alone either, however to give someone (a new person) this power to destroy me like this... I think I would rather just be alone.

((Hugs)

SH4

[gadget]

Good to hear from you SH4!   

Thanks for your input.

I'm a patient person too, but now very empty from her leaving.  I'm much better now than in the beginning.  And friends and family help, so does all the self care.  But I miss having a companion, so incredibly miss it.  Miss her.  I want to try to get her back too.  But I also don't want to wait forever.  That is not fair for her to keep me in the dark and alone for years while she does whatever.  She might be seeing someone, she might not be.  And not telling me a thing.  I don't want to find someone new either.  But vs being alone for years and lonely, I will find a new person.  I can't put my life on pause indefinitely for her.  That's not fair to ask of anyone.

It's been almost 5 months and zero talk of us.  I'm going to ask my Therapist on the 22nd if she thinks it would be a good idea to ask my wife about us having another couples counseling session.  When I do ask my wife, that may tell all in how she answers that question.  I'm afraid to ask.  Afraid what her answer might be.  She may not even know yet.  I'm scared to even ask.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

I'm afraid to ask.  Afraid what her answer might be.  She may not even know yet.  I'm scared to even ask.

If you are at the point where you NEED to ask, then ask.  I know one of the biggest issues for BPD is feeling pressure.  I know whenever my W and I talk about anything she says she feels pressure.  So I am going to back off with everything and keep communication open, but just to answer her yes or no questions.  I'm no longer going to ask her about her feelings or tell her about mine.  But this is what works for me and my r/s.  You know better what will work for you!

Best of luck with whatever you decide.  You are very luck to have supportive family & friends (I don't have that).

SH4

[gadget]

I guess I'll have to decide if I need to ask now, or after Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So hard to know when.  She gives me no direction.  I don't know if therapy is working or if she is getting better and doing things our T tells her to do.  Or maybe she just sits alone and keeps drinking.

I just wish I had a sliver of a clue.

Sorry you don't have the supportive friends and family.  But you have us.  And we will always support you here

Gadget

[gadget]

Question for you SH4,

In all the time you have waited, do you see any improvements in your wife’s behavior towards you?  Do you see anything at all that gives you some hope she comes back in the future?

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

Gadget,

My situation is a little different.  I have been with her for 10+ years, she's left/moved out about 9 or 10 times.  Someday's I see things in her that makes me think she will come back, other days not so much.  I think she will eventually find someone new but I know it will only last a few months and when the new person realizes who she is...I think she will be back.  I'm not sure if I will take her back after all of that.  Not because she didn't stand by me when things got tough, but because I know she will just leave again.

So to answer your question, yes, sometimes she gives me hope she will come back.

SH4

[gadget]

Thanks SH4!

I can understand your position.  I still don't 100% understand where I am yet nor what I want to do.  I love her and want her back.  But don't want to wait forever and waste all that time.  As far as I know my wife is on her own, other than her "Platonic" 3rd Shift guy roommate.  Not sure if she was getting with someone else that I could ever trust her enough to take her back.

Gadget

[Dave89]

I love her and want her back.  But don't want to wait forever and waste all that time.

Hi, gadget,

It is so natural to still love the person you have shared large part of your life together. At the same time now the ball is on her side and there is a little we can do and waiting time is always hard especially because the outcome is not predictable. But I am very happy to hear that you are doing better.

Perhaps you can set some goals for your personal development. I noticed that doing that helped me immensely to detach from thinking too much. For example, I do hiking much more often now, I build up my physical body with cold exposure and breathing, on top of gym, I also take care of my diet, so to have regular meals and listen to audiobooks like 12 rules for life by J. Peterson and different Intelectual podcasts. I was a shy person, but now I am feeling much more confident and I see that more and more people like me, so it's easier to choose new connections with the best from those people. Even more rewarding was seeing one man who I just talked for the last month getting his own life together and working on his relationships with his wife. And it's funny because I could feel jealous, but I really appreciate this time being alone since it had opened so many more opportunities. Start doing things was really hard at first, but later new routine worked wonders! That is not at all to say I don´t feel lonely at times, but now I feel its more balanced with good emotions too.

Hope this can be somehow helpful, and take care!
Dave

[gadget]

Thanks Dave and hello! 

I am doing much better, therapist says I can come back if I want.  Feels I'm coping extremely well and doing all the self care things and don't really need to come back.  But I will continue to see her.  Since my wife tells me zero about how she feels, or if she is getting better, the therapist we both share is my only link to my wife.  I mention text conversations between my wife and I to get the Therapists take on it , and to help me respond properly and understand a bit better where my wife is at.  I know without permission, our shared therapist cannot share my session with my wife or my wife's session with me.  But I feel that because the T knows us both, and hears each side of our story, she can and does guide us both individually to do the things we need to do for ourselves and maybe one day each other.

I do have some goals for myself.  I'm currently going back to college online for my BS of Cybersecurity degree.  Only 5 classes left!  I am starting a new workout program too, though I am in fairly good shape from doing Karate for 16 years. I'm pretty outgoing so I'm ok there. 

I meditate twice daily.  I attend Yoga.  I teach Karate.  And I do read books and listen to podcasts continually.  On my Kindle I have 71 self help/health/healing eBooks like The Better Man Project, The Urban Monk, Boundaries in Marriage, The Secret, Buddhism for Beginners, Trauma Stewardship (Reason my wife left), The Secret Joy of Hygge, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Atomic Habits,   The 4 Facets of Grief, Stop Walking on Eggshells (led me to the forum), several Mindfulness books, It's Ok That You're Not Ok, Whole Again, Letting Go, High Conflict Couple, Loving Someone with BPD, I Hate You Don't Leave Me.

And for Audiobooks I have Radical Acceptance, Radical Self-Acceptance,  The 3-Day Effect, Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy, The Five Love Languages, The Love Dare, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.

So I do have tons to do

Gadget

[Dave89]

That's really good to hear you are keeping yourself busy with meaningful things. Time just flies when we find ourselves doing something that is challenging and exciting for us. And good to set some higher goals too, like your BS!  

Now back to your wife. To put things in perspective - can you describe your last 6 months together. What were the things you enjoyed and what things were going so to say more badly? Given that it is highly likely that after being married for so long there are deeply ingrained patterns that both of you are manifesting, including responses to each other actions. While you may be looking for ways to improve things at your end, do you think your wife is up to the challenge to work on her issues? These are some important questions because I am sure you want to have a healthy and mutually gratifying relationship, not just merely cohabitation.

[gadget]

can you describe your last 6 months together. What were the things you enjoyed and what things were going so to say more badly? Given that it is highly likely that after being married for so long there are deeply ingrained patterns that both of you are manifesting, including responses to each other actions. While you may be looking for ways to improve things at your end, do you think your wife is up to the challenge to work on her issues? These are some important questions because I am sure you want to have a healthy and mutually gratifying relationship, not just merely cohabitation.

So... For the last year since her mother died.  She told me daily "I'm unhappy", but would never say why.  She would say "I don't know if I want to be married anymore.  For 30 years I've been a wife, a mother, a cook, a maid, but never myself".

Other than that we hung out, watched our favorite TV shows and movies.  Were intimate daily.  She would always keep things inside and never tell me.  She also was/still is the type to take anything I say to the worst degree possible.  Not even close to what I was saying.

Our life may not have been glamorous or going out on dates all the time.  Mostly because we have a special needs child, and finding a sitter equipped to handle that isn't always easy.

But she wanted for nothing.  I gave more to her than I ever did myself.  She still went on vacations with her BFF.  She usually drank daily after work.  Not always to excess, but many times.

I would bring home flowers, tell her every day how beautiful she is.  Nothing worked.  She has always been a very negative and depressive person.

I hope she is working on her issues.  She still (as far as I know) is going to therapy every 2 weeks as I am.  I hope she is practicing all the things the T tells her, but I'm not sure.  She still shares things on FB that are about depression and being "On the Edge".  And no cohabitation at this time.  She has her own apartment now.  I hope she comes back one day.  But I have zero clues.  She tells me nothing.

She had before said "I have no intention of ever coming back", then later said "I didn't say never ever".

SO confusing.

Gadget

[Dave89]

For a BPD woman, the death of her mother can be very traumatic. This is what happened to my wife, she didn't know how to process that other than putting her anger on me. But it is also true we all face loses all the time and most of the sensible people never do such bad things to ones that don't deserve it.

You have done everything you could, even beyond. But reciprocity is not something that comes automatically if ever with BPD partner, sadly!

You said that you hope she comes back, but you also realize that she may not be any different than before. How does this make you feel? If she will still be as you say, "very negative, depressive person & interpret your sayings to the worst degree possible". This is a hard one because you want her to be happy with you, you are still ready to invest and sacrifice in her well being. But it is likewise important, to be honest, and truthful to yourself about realistic expectations, as you know, BPD very rarely if ever make improvements. That is not to say, that it is meaningless to always be ready to reconcile, it's just to accept the things how they are. It can be helpful in a sense so that we don't dream about a relationship model that won't happen or let's say a short-lived infatuation.

This is just my point of view and you should take it with a grain of salt.

[JNChell]

Hi again, gadget.

I’m glad that therapy is working out well for you. It seems like a good thing that your wife will watch your special needs child to allow you to attend therapy. That kind of cooperation is a rarity around here.

I'm afraid if my wife sees me stop, then she will stop.

I get it. Just remember that you’re not responsible for her decisions and feelings, just as she isn’t responsible for your’s. You mentioned codependency when talking about your T. Maybe there’s a little of that at play here. It’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with thinking of and respecting other’s feelings, we just have to remember to put ourselves first sometimes.

The steps that you’re taking for self care and to educate yourself are great! Don’t forget to pat yourself on the back for doing very difficult work.

I don't trust her, there was an infidelity (only a kiss with an old crush).  Would take me a long time and much couples therapy to get back to close to normal.

Take your feelings seriously and listen to them. Trust is a huge factor. Do you think that trust can be established again between the two of you?

[gadget]

Dave89 - So interesting to hear that a death of a mother is extra tough on our BPD wifes.  Ugh.  How do I feel if she comes back and is the same?  Hard to say.  She was negative a lot.  But we still had happiness and great times and great intimacies.  I'd love to have that all back plus her getting better/more positive from therapy.  It makes me sad to hear that BPD rarely make improvements.  I am accepting things right now as they are by using Radical Acceptance.  I can't believe she can just step away from 30 years of us.  Still can't wrap my head around that.  She said she will always love me.  Just seems she is no longer "In Love" with me.  That is hard to hear/know.  How long have you been apart from your wife?  Did you ever reconcile and get back together?  I really appreciate your wisdom and kind words.  All this helps me tremendously.  Doesn't get my companion back.  But I do feel better.  Thank you!

JNChell - Thanks for coming back to chat more with me!  I am glad my wife does co-parent well with me and watches my son most of the times I need her to.  I'm sorry to hear it is a rarity here.  I know I'm not responsible for her decisions and feelings.  My T tells me that too.  My thought is she needs the therapy to help get her mind straight and I can see her easily quitting because I would no longer be going.  If in 25 years of Compassion Fatigue this situation hasn't fixed itself, without therapy it never will.  That was my thinking on that.  I'm glad to hear I'm taking all the needed steps for me.  It does feel good.  And gets better by the day.  I think trust could be established again if she came back and we attended quite a lot of couples therapy and said it all.  She keeps too much from me.  She'd have to totally open up and be totally honest.  That may never happen.  But I pray for it every night.  Thanks for all of your support.  This all helps me SO much! 

Gadget

[Dave89]

I´m happy to hear your feedback, that you did find some things useful. We are social creatures and we need different inputs and to analyse within ourselves what constitutes something approximating truth. I think what helps a lot is being honest and accept the reality for what it is. That is a sign of strength and shows that we have grown.

With my wife, it´s quite a different story from yours. We have been off and on ever since we were married. She was initiator all the times, now just the very last time I also said I would prefer us living separately too. Usually, when she departed to live separate I would focus on my own improvements and made sure I have good support system to so to speak have ´shoulder to cry on´ or in other words - people that understand me well. So basically I was doing well for the most times while being single. I never know when she would call, our periods would last from a few weeks to once more than a year. We both stayed faithful to each other. Now, hovewer I don´t see us back together anymore. Within the last year something deeply changed, I understand that nothing good will come out of these relationships. I lost all of my romantic feelings too, it was a gradual process. I also understand that she will always leave me, we will never live together in stable relationships. I am now single, just like you, even though still married. It still feels bad at times, after having someone sleeping next to you for 8 years (not including separated time though). I have no idea if I will even find anyone else that I can truly love. But I am trying to become a better person, first of all, for myself and then hope for the benefit of others too.

When we were separated, I always looked forward to having her back, and it was the right thing to do at the time. I don´t regret it at all! Because I still had feelings for her. And I hear you, you still do too. And I cannot imagine how much worse it is to lose someone after 30 years. But what I do know is that when we indulge in meaningful things, nature reflects good things at us, so keep on not only enduring but filling your life with things that make you grow and a better person, so to speak. You will always reap the good rewards later on, in one way or another, I am completely certain of that!

[gadget]

I am now single, just like you, even though still married. It still feels bad at times, after having someone sleeping next to you for 8 years (not including separated time though). I have no idea if I will even find anyone else that I can truly love. But I am trying to become a better person, first of all, for myself and then hope for the benefit of others too.

Hi Dave,

Thanks for the response.  So even though you are separated and still married, you both still are still free to see others?  My wife told my daughter before she left that she didn't want a divorce.  I just know I want someone in my life.  If it is not my wife, I don't want to wait forever to find another companion.

I'm sure I'll do famously for myself and my healing and growth.  Part of me wishes she could feel/understand what damage she has done to me.  I have told her before "You have Destroyed me", she said "I don't want you destroyed at all".  Regardless if it is BPD, Midlife Crisis, Compassion Fatigue, or just looking for any reason at all to leave.  I find it hard for her to say "I will always love you and I need to in my life, that hasn't changed" and other things like "It's not you, it's me.  You are a Saint, I am not.  You are a great husband and father".  Then how could she leave?  Missing out on her 7 month old grandson living with me every day.  She struggles financially now that we split our money and she pays all her own bills.  I can't see how this is better at all, and though I know she is also suffering.  I wish she could feel how bad and abandoned she has made me feel.  And all our kids feel the same way.  She left without giving any explanation to anyone.

Gadget

[Dave89]

I filled for legal separation last month, she has to approve it and come on 20th of Nov. I have no idea if she will. On our last conversation she said that she will do whatever I want (but you cannot never rely on BPD). I said it is also better for her, so that she can receive more money from state. My ultimate goal is divorce, but I am doing it very carefully, I let her know I care about her and her terrible illness, but I said that I cannot see us together anytime soon and I want to keep boundaries of not talking more than twice a week. Honestly, I would be happy if she found another one, who would love her. But seeing her current condition, it is by far important that she works with medical doctors. For the first time in her life she had full blown psychosis and only due to the strong medication was she able to come back to real world after 3 months. It is terrible and I am very sad for her, the medication has very strong side effects on her, I could hear that from her voice. But at the same time I cannot see us together, and I have no romantic feelings left for her. But that is just my own journey, everyones else is different! I have a strong tendency now to form a new relationships where I could have children too, but I am restraining myself, because I am not really that ready to jump in another ride, before this one is finished and I have matured more to also address my own issues.

I find it hard for her to say "I will always love you and I need to in my life, that hasn't changed" and other things like "It's not you, it's me.  You are a Saint, I am not.  You are a great husband and father".  Then how could she leave?

I understand this. Because my wife spoke similar way, especially in our last year together. She said it is just her fault that everything is so bad in our relationships. Yes, it can be very hard to process that seemingly humble words, but then actions following show exactly the opposite. Well, I believe for my wife the driving force is her own inefficiencies and hate towards herself. Sadly there was nothing I can do to help her if she wasn't ready to be helped. You can only rescue drowning person when he is willing to cooperate, otherwise you both will sink. That for me was that final straw, because after trying endlessly, I didn't see real strong resolution in her to start fighting for her own life! It broke me and depressed me intensely, because I wanted for her to get better, I was searching for the best possible help for her, but all she did was destructive acts towards herself, me and our marriage, over and over and over again... So I had enough, and I faced the reality. But like I said, for me it took many, many years of trying to better things first and I am happy I didn't give up sooner that now, because then I would have regrets. But now I have clean conscience. And that is what is important for me and I believe for anyone.

I will be working my new job as a taxi driver for the next five days, so be aware that I might not respond so swiftly.

[gadget]

Hi Dave89,

Congrats and good luck on the new job!  Look forward to hearing more from you when they let you have a free moment

Thanks again for all your kind words, wisdom and insight.  You said it took many years of trying to better things?  How long did you try?  Were you separated all that time?  I'm kind of similar.  I have an internal goal of asking her at the 1 year mark.  Which will be one year of her gone, and one year of us both having therapy every two weeks.  I will ask her then what are the chances for us.  I love her more than I can say.  And I want her to get to a better mental place #1.  But # 1.25 is I want her back, if we could salvage this at all.  If we can't, I don't want her stringing me along, and making me wait for years.  I want and need a companion in my life.  Those were my happiest times.  And though I wish it could be her, if not, I will search for someone new though I dread it after not having dated for 30 years.

Hope your new job and everything else is going well.  Sorry about your legal separation.  I get it.  Though I miss my wife dearly, the romantic feelings have faded slightly.

If we ever do have a chance to try and reconcile, I pray she isn't seeing other men.  Not sure I could take her back after that.

Gadget

[JNChell]

Hi gadget.

My thought is she needs the therapy to help get her mind straight and I can see her easily quitting because I would no longer be going.

I think I understand what you’re saying. Is it kind of like a pact type thing? Where she’ll only go if you go as well? You know her best. I’m interested to know your thoughts on this.

  She keeps too much from me.  She'd have to totally open up and be totally honest.  That may never happen.

There’s a lot said within these 3 sentences. A lot to think and talk about. If you’re comfortable with it, how has your T discussed these things with you?

[gadget]

Hi again JNChell!

My thought is she needs the therapy to help get her mind straight and I can see her easily quitting because I would no longer be going.

I think I understand what you’re saying. Is it kind of like a pact type thing? Where she’ll only go if you go as well? You know her best. I’m interested to know your thoughts on this.

I really don't think of it as a pact.  I just know her well.  She would look for any easy/quick way to quit.  And she really wanted me to go to therapy to cope and get my happiness back.  So I go to show her I'm still going and our shared T is my only bridge between my wife and myself.  I figure I tell our T all my experiences with my wife and texts and such.  That way our T can see how my wife talks to and acts towards me and our T can compare that with what she see/knows when she talks to my wife herself.  I hope my wife is being open and honest with our T and trying to help herself through the exercises our T teach her.  But if not, I hope this helps our T understand my wife better and focus in on the areas she needs or may not be being honest to our T about.  I'm not sure she is doing what our T is telling her.  I know my wife is on anti-anxiety/depression meds but still drinks.  And my thoughts are that if after her being gone 5 months, in therapy bi-weekly, on meds, and hopefully doing what our T says, she should not still be posting on FB about Depression and being on the edge.

  She keeps too much from me.  She'd have to totally open up and be totally honest.  That may never happen.

There’s a lot said within these 3 sentences. A lot to think and talk about. If you’re comfortable with it, how has your T discussed these things with you?

I will bring this up to our T when I see her on Wed.  I take notes the weeks between my therapy sessions to share interesting/significant interactions between my wife and I to share with the Therapist.  It helps me understand my wife in this current situation a bit better and also helps the Therapist understand how well/unwell we are interacting with each other.

Here is a recent text interaction between us on Saturday.  It seems that even after her being gone about 5 months she doesn't want to hear about past good times/happy times we had together.

I had a headache on Saturday, I never ever have headaches.  Wife came over around 1pm to drop off Special Needs Sons Meds and to feed
her Grandson (7 Mo old) some baby food.

Later Saturday night.

Wife   Your headache better?
Gadget   Yes.  It finally went away.  It took all day and taking Tylenol twice.  Thanks for checking on me.
Wife   I was talking to Ann and it isn't looking good for Gerry (my sick Aunt).
Gadget   Oh crap.  Terry (my cousin) has said something similar the other day.  I'm so sad.  I pray for her evey night.
Wife   I will pray too.  Sorry this is happening.
Gadget   Me too.  I know she is 80.  I'm not ready for her to go yet.
Wife   I know.
Gadget   Did you see on Facebook today that this time last year we were in Chicago?
Wife   Yes.
Gadget   Good pictures.  I love those memories.
Wife   I know.  I am sorry.
Gadget   Me too.
Wife   Please don't do this today.  It's hard enough really.
Gadget   I wasn't trying to start anything.  Just trying to remember and enjoy some good past times is all.
Wife   Ok.  I know you weren't trying to fight.  I hope you enjoy the quiet with the kids gone.
Gadget   I will, thank you.

Thanks for the comments JNChell.  Hopefully this all explains it a bit better?

Gadget

[NeverEnoughMan]

While my situation is a bit different, as mine was my girlfriend for 2 years rather than wife or longer-term, I have pondered this myself.  Since you asked how long have I waited and how long will I wait, I've kind of set a deadline myself.

So for how long have I waited, she broke up with me mid-July 2019.  So I have been waiting just over 3 months thus far.  As for how long will I wait, I decided that Christmas would be the end for me.  In my mind, if you are apart from me for almost 6 months, as well as missing important holidays, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, it will be clear she has moved on.

While in many cases, I would likely have moved on at this point, I still how out hope that we will be together again.  I'm giving her the space she wants and respecting her decision.  But she does not contact me, she does not want to see me, and we live about 40 minutes apart, so I won't be running into her.  The fact that someone can cut me off so easily is very hard to deal with.  I don't feel I've done anything to deserve that extreme of distance.  But the more time that passes, it shows clearer how much I really mean to her.  So I'm waiting until Christmas.  The difference is, after that, I am going to cut all lines of communication and will not be open to seeing or speaking to her after that point.  It's not what I want to do, but if that time does come, it will be my turn to disappear. 

[gadget]

Hi NeverEnoughMan!

In my situation my wife will attend Thanksgiving and Christmas with us.  I'm hoping that a year on her own, missing out on SO much family time, and financially struggling daily will help her to take therapy seriously and try to help herself.

I'm not sure In will cut all ties, because we still have to co-parent my special needs son.  But I will move on if she still has no intention of coming back after 1 year.

Gadget

[Dave89]

Hi

Sorry for the long wait I just finished last taxi, and today started another for a week.

You said it took many years of trying to better things?  How long did you try?  Were you separated all that time?

She did separate many times over and over again. So after some time, always, she wanted to come back and usually said the issues were not so big as she perceived. But after a few days of living together, her anger would usually show up. Maybe we were separated together 10 times  thats crazy!

I like that you are very balanced in what actions you are planning to take and to set a limit for waiting time. It should all go well for you, despite what your wife will decide (to come back or not). If she won´t maybe there is even something better waiting for you!

[gadget]

Welcome back Dave89!

Thanks for sharing your story, it helps.  I’m glad it sounds like I’m on the right path.  Just have to wait it out.

Gadget