No fight left

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been avoiding my ubpdh purposely. 8 days since he split on me. First days I remained unaffected, then the sting of rejection started catching up. Last 4 days I have been in a bad place emotionally and mentally. Bouts of tears, self pity, fears and loathing. Self distracting thoughts and ideation, loss of will to live alternating with a bruins desire to “teach him a lesson”. I let myself cycle without acting on any of those thoughts, except avoiding him. I can’t stand the emptiness when he looks through me, or his silent treatment, or the fact that he would rather go to church, shooting range and gym then be with his family. He is never here with us. Even when he is here physically, he shuts himself off and watches YouTube videos. I reread my own posts from 3 years ago, and oh boy, there were lots of memories that were brought back. It’s 90% painful things and he isn’t getting better. I don’t want to fight for this marriage Anymore. It doesn’t look like I want to spend the rest of my life with a person I can’t carry intimate conversation with. Our conversations are superficial and shallow in nature. Ones I can carry out with strangers. My conversations with friends are a lot more honest, vulnerable and emotionally close. As long as I act, think and behave like he wants me to, I exist. The moment I have my own thoughts and feelings, I’m being punished. He is sabotaging my school, by not paying the instalments that are due. Every promise he made on financials before we moved he lied on. There isn’t hired help full time, house in not renovated or furnished, my school isn’t paid. Welcome to my circus. I feel a deep desire to stop feeling. To escape to something that would make me feel better. I kind man’s touch, that would make me feel attractive. A kind man’s word that would soothe the soul, a kind man’s gesture to make me feel like I matter. Instead I’m hiding out in my daughter’s bathroom. He took over our bedroom, again forcing the choice, “either I or you sleep in the bedroom”, I just gave him the custody of it. I don’t have it in me to fight.

[snowglobe]

I have been avoiding my ubpdh purposely. 8 days since he split on me. First days I remained unaffected, then the sting of rejection started catching up. Last 4 days I have been in a bad place emotionally and mentally. Bouts of tears, self pity, fears and loathing. Self distracting thoughts and ideation, loss of will to live alternating with a bruins desire to “teach him a lesson”. I let myself cycle without acting on any of those thoughts, except avoiding him. I can’t stand the emptiness when he looks through me, or his silent treatment, or the fact that he would rather go to church, shooting range and gym then be with his family. He is never here with us. Even when he is here physically, he shuts himself off and watches YouTube videos. I reread my own posts from 3 years ago, and oh boy, there were lots of memories that were brought back. It’s 90% painful things and he isn’t getting better. I don’t want to fight for this marriage Anymore. It doesn’t look like I want to spend the rest of my life with a person I can’t carry intimate conversation with. Our conversations are superficial and shallow in nature. Ones I can carry out with strangers. My conversations with friends are a lot more honest, vulnerable and emotionally close. As long as I act, think and behave like he wants me to, I exist. The moment I have my own thoughts and feelings, I’m being punished. He is sabotaging my school, by not paying the instalments that are due. Every promise he made on financials before we moved he lied on. There isn’t hired help full time, house in not renovated or furnished, my school isn’t paid. Welcome to my circus. I feel a deep desire to stop feeling. To escape to something that would make me feel better. I kind man’s touch, that would make me feel attractive. A kind man’s word that would soothe the soul, a kind man’s gesture to make me feel like I matter. Instead I’m hiding out in my daughter’s bathroom. He took over our bedroom, again forcing the choice, “either I or you sleep in the bedroom”, I just gave him the custody of it. I don’t have it in me to fight.

[snowglobe]

I know about the Gottman’s horsemen, I know when the people start avoiding it means the end. I can’t do anything to force myself to go down and see him. I hear his voice downstairs and I am ready to burst into tears. I met with my professor/therapist I hope to see over the weekend. We attended class reunion, which ubpdh came with me to. He highjacked the entire evening which was supposed to be about psychology with his open provocations and arguments about world’s politics. The professor had to cut him off when his attacks on one of the attendants cross the acceptable boundaries. On one hand I was mortified and embarrassed. On the other hand, this week when we meet he will have a pretty clear understanding of what I am living with.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you are coming to terms with who your husband actually is and finally letting go of the fantasy that once again he will return to the Prince Charming who swept you off your feet as a teenager.

There’s a lot to grieve. Let yourself feel your feelings.   

[secretgirl]

I agree with Cat... let yourself grieve. In terms of your school... do you have student loans? Don't let anyone get in the way of you and your future.

[Notwendy]

I am glad you are going to meet with the counselor. Stay the course- with the focus on you. Your H is basically doing what has worked for him in the past, to get you to grovel- caretake him, beg him. When something has worked for so long, it only makes sense to try it.

But you don't want this pattern anymore- I think you can finally see how hurtful to you it is. But also, you know that grovelling and caretaking is a temporary fix for your own fears and hurts. It's important to stay the course and not do this if you want to change the patterns between the two of you. What happens next may be scary and unknown, but if you do the same thing you have done, these issues will likely persist.

With your H keeping to himself, you have the space to deal with your own feelings. Please also stay the course with your plans to attend a coda meeting.

Counseling and coda can help you deal with these tough feelings right now.

[formflier]

This post (IMO)...shows that you aren't "listening to us" or "getting what we are saying".

I'm hoping you can print this off and show it to your counselor.   I'm not interested in your counselors judgment as to who is right or wrong.  I AM INTERESTED that you have a conversation with your counselor about  "who you are fighting" and where the source of pain is in your life.

Clarity:  I'm not suggesting that your husband isn't a source of a pain.   I am suggesting that he is far from being the primary source of pain...very far.

It’s 90% painful things and he isn’t getting better.

I don’t want to fight for this marriage Anymore.


  Every promise he made on financials before we moved he lied on.


There isn’t hired help full time, house in not renovated or furnished, my school isn’t paid. Welcome to my circus.

You are the person that creates the narratives in your head.  Those narratives are painful.

For instance.  Your husband promised to buy you a mansion before you moved.  You report here that you live in a mansion.

You also report here that "EVERY promise he made before you moved he has broken.

One of the stories you are telling here is accurate and one is not.  You are the person telling the stories.

Conversation pieces with your therapist.

1.  Why am I so focused on my husband getting better and avoiding focusing on me getting better.
2.  Why do I tell so many stories that can't be true/accurate.  (such as the story told here) What payoff am I getting from this.

Last:  I'm not trying to be mean or label you as entirely being the problem.  What I've laid out are things that you have 100% control of in your life.  100%.  You and your T can work on them and your life can get dramatically better even if your husband gets dramatically worse.



Best,

FF

[secretgirl]

I agree with FF. And as much as some of the stories you tell are actually probably true ... don’t let anyone get in the way of your future and happiness , including your husband.
For school, there are loans/grants and bursaries you can apply for ... I’m in school FT and I have no one paying my tuition but me and my living too. Ask for financial assistance from your school! They have wonderful advisors ! Ask your doctor ask anyone even the bank! There’s always someone to ask for help for anything but you must take the initiative . No one else will do anything for you. I learned this a long time ago. I used to have my parents pay for everything kind of like your H. I went from having everything to nothing in one day when they passed .
I learned the hard way but trust me you’re still living somewhere you’re not on the street.
Emotional pain is worse than physical pain in most instances because it doesn’t get better unless you work with your T and doctor.

Only way. Please have hope and have faith in yourself.
After you hit rock bottom, there’s only one way out , and that’s up! sending lots of hugs and love .

[Notwendy]

The school issue is important, but not the major issue. I agree with FF- the focus of the post is still on the H. I hope that snowglobe stays the course with attending a CODA meeting this week and also therapy.

Resources for school can vary. I don't know the rules in Canada with financial aid. In the US, one has to qualify for need based aid by income and assets. With a large house and the current lifestyle, I doubt this would meet qualifications. Loans are still possible. But I  think the more urgent issue is for SG to get to a CODA meeting and therapy this week.

[formflier]

So...since school has been brought up and since we all seem to agree that speaking accurately is critical, something in your "life plan" doesn't make sense to me.

This past summer there was a big push to get "one last class" done so you could graduate, then you could get a job and be independent of your husband's financial control.

Over the years that I've "known" you, getting done with the program you are in has consistently been presented as a well thought out pathway to "financial independence".

Then...you graduate.

Instead of hearing about interviews and ways to put your bachelors degree to work to be financial independent there a decision was made to further make yourself dependent on your husband to further your education with a masters degree.

Please don't hear me knock further education.  Please do hear me knock any decision that creates further dependence on your husband.

Help me understand how this happened?

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

SG, don't give up hope in yourself.     You know you H and it's very likely he won't change.  As many here have told me, he is who he is.

How do you wish to face this?  I was where you are now:  hopeless and with no fight left.  The repeated abuse beat me down.  I felt so sad and hopeless.   I had poor self esteem.

At a certain point, I got angry.  I got angry at the abuse.  I didn't deserve it, and I became angry.  I allowed myself to feel the indignation I was entitled to.  I also yearned for a H who would cherish me (a marriage vow!) and not place under the wants and whims of his adult children.

If you read Bancroft's, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" you see that anger is a stage in moving forward.

You're bright and intelligent.  You are honest and your H betrayed you with dishonesty.  You did not deserve this.

Do you feel you will soon be able to give yourself some self care, and allow yourself to be angry?  You saw how dysfunctional your H is in public.  For me, it was different because H had a way of showing his good side outside the home.  No one knew how sick he was.  H would rage at me and say how he wanted a divorce.  Moments later, when guests arrived at the house, H was pleasant and giving me hugs, saying what a great wife and hostess I was.  A true Jekyll and Hyde. 

It's good others see what is going on in your left, and are supportive.  You are not alone in this.
  

[braveSun]

Snowglobe

I want to share this with you. I have followed your story since a few months now and I never posted anything. Actually I used to post my story on these boards and interact with people here regularly, but did not for a while. From time to time, I do come around and I find great validation from reading the stories of other people and the comments and guidance of senior members on these boards.

I am not a professional. I only will speak from my limited experience. Mental illness is not something you can control. You can affect the person  in some ways, only if you can get to a place a deeper peace within yourself. You have also the courage of a mother in you.

First it’s imperative you find your own good ways. Your own intelligent direction. Please forgive me if I don’t know. Do you have a safe T to guide you? For me it has been a lifeline. It’s important because when we get feedback from skilled people who have been there and through, we sometimes agree with our mind, but our heart doesn’t necessarily connect in full. It can get to feel like a broken record song that doesn’t click in some ways.

Regarding your progress. Considering everything I can see I think you are doing well. You perceptions of the message offered here are clear. Your post titles are pointing to a shift in your perspective. I beleive you can do this. Masters and all. When I did my masters I could not get loans even. At some point I got really forced to ask for help. Actually I applied to scholarships and didn’t succeed, than applied for campus jobs and could not get any interviews. Than I went to a Financial Aid counselor and told him my story. He did not have any programs to help me. Than Life supported me in some way.  Three weeks later I got a job interview and landed a campus job. A lady my aunt knew well had hired me in the past to help her clean her house. She offered to loan me the money for my tuition. That’s how I could complete my Masters. Everything worked out.

I am coming into your post because I came to look forward to your story. I see that you have a genuine intention. I like your straight honesty regarding your emotions. That you are not pretending to be a perfect person. I felt love for your humanity. I am grateful for you.

Please do not take this lightly. You count.

Thank you for your sharing and amazing resilience.

Love,

Brave

[Notwendy]

Brave Sun- what a kind and thoughtful post. I hope you are doing well.

Yes, I agree, SG has made great progress with a difficult situation. We are encouraging her to continue this path to refocusing on herself, her goals and her values.

For all of us, it's a work in progress..

Best-
NW

[braveSun]

For all of us, it's a work in progress..

Thank you Wendy. This is so true for me!..

Snowglobe take your time and take good care. 

We are many people on this board looking dans la même direction