Struggling with my BPD Mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Gosh! Where to start!...Hello everyone! I’m a 38 year old lady with a husband and 6 year old son.

I’m here because I’ve literally just found this support group forum and after struggling for many years with my mother’s unpredictable, manipulative, and controlling behaviour I am literally at crisis point, and need help moving forward.

My mother’s behaviour has caused me so much stress, anxiety and pain that I am terrified to fly and have a flight coming up for a University Criminology trip in a few weeks time. I know it will be such a good thing for me to do but I’m so scared. Worth mentioning also is that my Dad committed suicide 12 years ago, and I found him which has also caused me much trauma.

It seems that anything involving me doing anything independently has become fearful. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I am also scared to drive, I will drive locally but that’s about it.

[Zebedee1210]

Gosh! Where to start!...Hello everyone! I’m a 38 year old lady with a husband and 6 year old son.

I’m here because I’ve literally just found this support group forum and after struggling for many years with my mother’s unpredictable, manipulative, and controlling behaviour I am literally at crisis point, and need help moving forward.

My mother’s behaviour has caused me so much stress, anxiety and pain that I am terrified to fly and have a flight coming up for a University Criminology trip in a few weeks time. I know it will be such a good thing for me to do but I’m so scared. Worth mentioning also is that my Dad committed suicide 12 years ago, and I found him which has also caused me much trauma.

It seems that anything involving me doing anything independently has become fearful. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I am also scared to drive, I will drive locally but that’s about it.

[Exhaustedaughter]

Hi!  I am new here to and struggle with very similar issues which is why I also went looking for this group.  My mother can be loving and then I think to myself what a horrible daughter I must be to ever have had bad thoughts and then bam she does something and then I am kicking myself for having fell for it again.

I also have panic attacks when I am “trapped” highways are a big one, elevators, quiet meetings and from what I have read  it is our fight-or-fight response seeing the situation we are in as being life or death when it really isn’t.  They say the attacks can’t last long but I can tell you it seems like an eternity.  What I do when I have to ride the elevator is distract myself, counting normally because that takes so much focus.  I have tried to play my favorite movie in my head starting at the beginning, anything to forget what I am doing long enough for it to change.  Of course none of that works with driving.  With driving I have had to start small, get on the highway for an exit and then get off, it has worked pretty good although I can’t do construction areas with the concrete barricades but hopefully some day.

I guess I really didn’t have many suggestions but I just wanted you to know that I know where you are, you aren’t alone think we are all in this together so if you have suggestions for me I am would be grateful.  We read the books and it says do this, but it really is a lot harder than that.   

[Harri]

Hi Zebedee and welcome!  I am glad you posted and want to join with exhaustedaughter in saying welcome to the board.  We get it here.

A lot of us here are dealing with anxiety and panic attacks, myself included.  It seems to go with the territory of having a parent with BPD or BPD traits, though not always.

I am very sorry to hear about your dad.  Being the one to find him is certainly traumatic.  Have you sought any counseling for that or your anxiety?  I did.  things just got too much too handle there for a while and my life was really getting very limited.  Therapy helped me as my therapist (T) was able to give me coping strategies that worked for me. 

Tell us more about your mom and dad and what their behaviors were like?  Are you in contact with your mom?  How did you find this site?

I hope you share more with us and settle in.  We all work together to help each other and will even challenge each other, with care and concern of course.  So please settle in and post and read and learn along with us.

[Zebedee1210]

Thanks so much for your replies! It is so helpful to know I am not alone, although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

My Mother has ruined pretty much every happy occasion from my son’s drama and school performances, to Christmases, birthdays, you name it, even the birth of our son!  I have begun to fear happy times as am constantly on edge about some sort of issue arising.

My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 12, so a long time before he committed suicide but she never moved on and lives in the past. My Mum used to question me incessantly every time I saw my father following their divorce, I had to pretend I had had a bad time with him otherwise I would be punished (not physically). She is obsessed with my Dads side of the family still and whenever I have contact with them she majorly kicks off, then the interrogation begins. She is unable to fathom why they would want to spend time with me and not her, and punishes me for it! I spoke to my Aunt (Dad’s sister) recently and she said she cut my Mum out of her life (many years ago) because my Mum accused her of causing my Grandmothers cancer! My Dad’s brother from Canada came to stay with us recently, and as soon as my Mum found out he was coming, she was straight on my case about how much he would want to catch up with her and trying to control the whole thing, resulting in a major fallout when she couldn’t dominate his time here. The reality is that my Uncle is my Dads brother and had come to see me, and our son. The consequence of all this has been a major breakdown for my on a mental level, I am continuously fighting off anxiety and am unable to relax.

 I don’t want to stop her relationship with our son, but at the same time every time I am due to have or have contact with her I revert back to the frightened child. My Aunt and Uncle (Dad’s side) have told me many stories about her past behaviour and that there was a row every evening in our household growing up. My Mum has COPD and colitis, so is not a healthy woman which again is used to manipulate me in to feeling guilty ‘what if I died’ etc.

She hounds me by text or phone continuously seeking reassurance that I love her, crying and sobbing. She will offer to look after our son then constantly remind me of how much she does for me.

I spoke to her last week and told her I needed some space from her but that I love and care about her, and am not rejecting her and that I still want her to have a relationship with our son. I said that our son has to be my priority and that I am suffering with poor mental and physical health at the moment, she then turned it around to say what about her physical and mental health! I just want an easy simple life really, after years of unpredictability, guilt, shame, hurt and pain I just want to move on and be as happy as possible. My relationship with my mother prevents me from doing this. I can’t keep going round this cycle as each time it is damaging me more and more, I feel like my sanity is at stake and my self-esteem has hit an all time low.

 For example, yesterday she took our son to his drama class after school, the arrangement was that she would bring him home after and I would have his dinner ready (sometimes she comes for dinner as well, but she said she had dinner at home) (also remember I’d asked for space), she then called after I’d already prepared a pasta sauce saying she was taking him for pizza, I told her I’d already cooked but would put it by for tomorrow, she then text saying she would bring him back for dinner. I was under the impression she would drop my son off and leave but she came in. My son then started asking if Grandma could stay for dinner, I replied that Grandma said she had dinner at home. This led to an incredibly awkward situation as my husband was also eating, and there was obviously food spare. I wonder if she had sowed the seed in my sons head previously to coming in? But I can’t explain to a 6 year old that his Grandma can’t stay for dinner because I want distance from her!

It’s a constant dilemma and seems impossible to keep boundaries when she is manipulating a 6 year old. I could go on forever with these types of examples...

She had it in for my mother in law for a year or so saying my son preferred my husbands Mum, and that my son (who was 5 at the time) was playing them off against each other, then when he ran up to my husbands Mum first after a school play it just reinforced her victim mentally. Whenever I spend time with my Mum it’s horrible, there’s always a problem (I picked the wrong restaurant, the food isn’t right, or she just wants to dissect the past or talk about how PLEASE READ her life is, or how horrible everyone has been to her) she can’t just let things be.

 I feel so sad that she is so deeply unhappy, and would just love to have a nice easy relationship with her. I have explained to her that we all need to take responsibility for our own happiness and that no one can truly make another person happy, but she just blames everybody else and says if other people made her feel loved then she would be ok. I feel like I’m going crazy and there’s no obvious solution. I have distanced myself from her so much on an emotional level that I just can’t be close to her, her neediness and behaviour have just caused me to shut down and I feel angry that she just can’t be normal and loving.

I think as a child my Mum was always so overprotective, over involved  and neurotic that she instilled a fear of me doing anything independently, this taught me to be fearful which is why I think I have struggled to gain the tools needed to be a fully fledged functioning adult until my 30’s. I didn’t learn to drive until my early 30’s, and embarked on my degree course only last year at the age of 37! I have never held down a job or seen anything through until the last few years and partied very hard using recreational drugs throughout my 20’s (escapism), I finally felt like I was making progress achieving good grades in my degree last year, however as I was at university full time and my husband runs his own business I had to rely on my Mum to help with school runs etc. This got thrown back at me and was used as a tool to beat me with, so after finishing my first year I have now transferred to a distance learning degree with another university. This isn’t particularly good for me as I am now at home and trying to shut my thoughts off, explain to my Mum why I am not readily available for her, and find the motivation to actually study without the support of on campus lectures and classmates.

I have been offered the opportunity to go to the USA with my old university on a Criminology field trip in 4 weeks, and have paid the money for the trip. I think if I can go then it will be so good for me, however I am terrified of flying and the possibility of being ill abroad or having a panic attack on the plane. My husband is supportive of me going but I am also worried about leaving my son and husband for a week, I’m sure they will be fine and I know it’s irrational to think otherwise but my Mum has already sowed the seed of how will they cope without me. I have just started CBT therapy to try and overcome some of my issues but my therapist has advise that it would be difficult for us to resolve my fear of flying in only 3 weeks.

Exhausteddaughter, I would be interested to know if you are an only child, and if you had a similar experience of your Mum being overly cautious and overprotective to an extreme? I wonder if mothers like ours only had children in order to feel loved and needed? You are doing so well even driving on the highway, I can’t even face joining the motorway or changing lanes. I’ve limited myself to single roads!

Thanks so much for your advice and support Harri, knowing I’m not alone feels like a weight has been lifted! Apologies to all for the diatribe, I guess I, trying to make sense of it all.

[tryingforzen]

I also have panic attacks when I am “trapped” highways are a big one, elevators, quiet meetings and from what I have read  it is our fight-or-fight response seeing the situation we are in as being life or death when it really isn’t.   

Wow!  I have suffered for years with panic attacks when feeling "trapped".  Never attributed it to my upbringing.  Just thought it was another one of my 'quirks'.  I can't be a passenger in a car unless it's someone like my husband-  I'll even turn down fun outings or day trips bc I can't deal with being in the car with other people.  Can't chaperone my kids field trips if I have to ride a bus.  Quiet meetings- definitely on my list.  I also panic in situations like the dentist or hair dresser where I am "trapped" in a chair.  Even a massage would take a lot of mental prep work for me to enjoy.  I've been on anxiety meds since my early 20's (in early 40's now). 

[tryingforzen]

Zebedee1210 -  I can relate to so much!  The jealousy with other family members.  I can't mention my elderly neighbor's name bc my mom will fly into a rage about how I care about her more than my own family.  The competition with my MIL.  Constant reminders of how much she has done for me.  The intense guilt when she is being nice.  The comments about "wait until I'm gone" or 'you'll feel bad when I die".  Being horrible and then telling me all I need to do is tell her I love her.  Myself suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.   It is exhausting. 

[Exhaustedaughter]

As I read Zebedee's story and TryingFrozen's I could relate in so many ways, feeling like a child again myself - how is that even possible I am 43.   Ugh, my mom is more of a in your face angry, suicidial, victim, with the occasional splash of "normal" loving mother which just confuses things.  I hate the holidays because they were all ruined with my mother drinking and causing scenes. Just seeing her with a drink in her hand now makes me sick to my stomach and start to shake. I am the middle child, my older sister is some how able to distance herself, of course the fact my mom lives with me probably helps with that. 

My mother will make up an illness that she is dying from or talk about how she doesn't want to live anymore.  She has tried killing herself 4 times, two of which landed her in the hospital for a week.  So she plays the death guilt card all the time.  My sister says she can't mourn her anymore since she has been doing it since we were children and she is still here, that it won't happen again until the actual event.  oh how I envy that because it seems all i do is go around trying to make her happy so that day doesn't any time soon.   

To talk to someone that she doesn't like is unthinkable, even if that means my siblings when she is mad at them.  We don't tell her we talk to each other so we don't have to listen to the " I know you kids talk about me..."

Zebedee - You should be so proud of yourself for learning how to drive and going back to school, regardless of the age you were/are.  You have to stay in school even if it is hard, you will regret it if you don't.  I am in school also, online so I can be home and it is challenging but it is something I have always wanted to I am going to force myself to try and finish.  Given I have stopped a couple times but I always go back.  If she bothers you at home go to the library because you have to be quiet there ;)  I know easier said then done but was still a nice thought for a moment.

TryingFrozen - I hear you, I sat through my father-in-law's funeral, trapped in the middle of the row in a room full of people.  I bit the inside of my cheek until it was bleeding and had to keep counting the leaves on the plant that was nearby.  It was horrible.  I can't sit in the middle of an aisle anywhere, movies on the end.  Meetings, back of the room next to the door.  The highway thing is a challenge because I live in Chicago and our seasons are construction/winter so I am stuck on the backgrounds too.

I too feel broken, deflated and beyond exhausted.  It helps reading your stories, because I don't feel so alone.

[Zebedee1210]

Exhausteddaughter I feel for you so much, especially her living with you - there is no escape! Does your mother accept that she has a problem? Or is it all everyone else’s fault? Do you have children? And is there anyone who supports you? You are not alone! Can you maybe see a therapist? Or get out of the house each day for a walk just to give yourself a break?

I find my Mum has become super skilled at wearing a mask! If I was to describe her crazy behaviour to one of her friends they just wouldn’t believe it. Luckily my innermost family have all witnessed it so they believe me and know what I’m dealing with, however it doesn’t help much when your the main target for her anger. I can totally relate to the fact your Mum doesn’t like you talking to anyone, my Mum doesn’t know I speak to my Aunt (her sister) and it’s better that way, as otherwise her paranoia goes in to overdrive which in turn makes her angry that we are all talking about her! Ever the narcissist! However that’s how she tries to manipulate as she will tell my Aunt lies with the intention of making me look bad and so she is the victim, but she does the same to me about my Aunt! I just feel sad that they feel the need to make their own daughters look bad and I don’t understand why. From reading stuff I’ve gleaned that it’s not actually done with that motive but rather to play in to their victim mentally, but it’s so messed up. I will never ever put my issues on to my son, not in a million years. I guess if anything good was so come out of this it would be to make me a better mother.

Thanks for your advice regarding university, I actually did pretty well with my grades last year, and part of me is determined not to let her interfere or ruin anything else for me. I’m still not sure I can get on that plane though...I’m exactly the same with the cinema etc, I always have to have an aisle seat. Easy escape!

I’d be interested to know if anyone also suffers problems with being assertive? I’m wondering if that also comes with the BPD parent territory.

Tryingforzen, I would be interested to hear more about your story as well when and if you feel ready, there’s so many similarities it’s both shocking and reassuring in a way that other people are going through the same. I had no idea!

[Harri]

Just a quick question:  Would taking a short acting anti-anxiety medication help (like Xanax or Lorazepam) with the plane ride? 

[Zebedee1210]

@Harri I actually took some diazepam as a last resort when we flew around Australia last year (7 flights) and oddly it made things worse. My brain fought it and it actually made me hyper aware! I had a panic attack on every single flight

[Harri]

Well, scratch that idea then.   

[Zebedee1210]

Yes it’s not ideal @Harri

[tryingforzen]

TryingFrozen - I hear you, I sat through my father-in-law's funeral, trapped in the middle of the row in a room full of people.  I bit the inside of my cheek until it was bleeding and had to keep counting the leaves on the plant that was nearby.  It was horrible.  I can't sit in the middle of an aisle anywhere, movies on the end.  Meetings, back of the room next to the door.  

OMG-YES!  No middle of the row.  Aisle seat everywhere-  movies, concerts, baseball games, airplanes, church...  I try to always be the one to buy the tickets to movies or shows, etc. so I can pick the seats.  I could feel your angst just reading about sitting thru FIL funeral.

Tryingforzen, I would be interested to hear more about your story as well when and if you feel ready, there’s so many similarities it’s both shocking and reassuring in a way that other people are going through the same. I had no idea!

I don't even know where to begin. I had a seemingly normal childhood- private school, college educated.  Growing up it was always pointed out that my mom was sacrificing so I could have it better than she did.  I'm not entirely sure how bad her life was growing up-  she has siblings who will say her memories were not theirs.  She did have an alcoholic mother.  But she will constantly reference that I have no idea what she went through.  Regardless, I know that there are plenty of people who have gone through things way worse and choose to overcome it and come out better on the other side.  She has never sought out any help.  Looking back, and now through years of therapy, I can see that while she did provide for me and my sister, we did suffer emotional neglect and abuse.  I never remember cuddling at bedtime or random hugs and kisses.  She was never warm and fuzzy.  Appearances were super important.  I'd have to sit so she could curl my hair every morning up through 7th grade to be sure it was perfect.  In 8th grade she told me my closest friends were only using me to get rides to places (from her).  Grades were super important.  If I got a B it was "why wasn't it an A?"  I can remember being up late one night struggling to get a book report done.  When I woke up the next morning, she had done it for me- complete with fancy cover that was obviously not the work of someone my age.  My dad was always just in the background.  What mom said went.  Even their relationship always seemed more like roommates- never affectionate.  To this day, he drinks pretty heavily (probably his coping mechanism).

After college I moved many states away.  Eventually I got married, had 2 kids.  Looking back there were several major blow-ups around the wedding, moves, having kids.  But since she has retired I think her behavior has gotten worse and we've recently come to a stand-off (of sorts).    Every year for past 12 years, we have gotten together in the summer- my sister, her boyfriend, my parents, and me, my husband and kids.  The last few years have been terrible-  her pouting, days of silent treatment, mood swings, treatment of my husband, things she would say to the kids, yelling at my dad, her and my sister fighting, then people drinking too much, etc.  I was always playing peacekeeper- trying to make everyone happy.  I would get terrible anxiety leading up to the vacation and just dread it.  And then tremendous relief as soon as we'd pull away to head home.  This past summer I decided no more. I told her we wouldn't be making the trip.  I got hung-up on.  How dare I do this, it's a tradition.  After 3 weeks of silent treatment I sent an email explaining my decision-  kids are getting older, there are things we want to do as a family and my husband only has so much vacation time, the past few years have not been fun, etc.   Also, my kids had ever only been to visit my MIL once in 12 years, while they vacation with my family every summer.  I said it would be more fair to all parties if we tried alternating years.  And my kids had been asking to go visit the other grandmother.  Her response was that she's sorry a week with her is too much of a sacrifice and I can just forget she exists from now on.  So, for once, I didn't give in and I didn't respond.  Then the pleading, crying voicemails came about how she needs me in her life and her Dr. said she's dying of a broken heart and I need to fix this.  The guilt was overwhelming but I have a great therapist who helped me through it.

Side note-  my mom is terribly depressed and miserable.  She lives for bad news and drama.  She's at the Dr. constantly with a new ailment and I am convinced she is just hoping for the day she gets a legitimate bad diagnosis.  She goes through periods were she'll just cry constantly for days.  She has no friends.  She has no hobbies.  Despite being told numerous times by her Dr. (and family members) that she needs to look into an anti-depressant she adamantly refuses.  She says none of this is has to do with her- it's caused by all of us.  If I lived closer with her grandkids, she could be happy.  If my Dad would travel with her, she could be happy.  If my sister would get married and have kids, she could be happy. You get the idea.

So, I after the crying voicemails, I sent another emailing telling her what I was feeling- how I can't do or say anything without negative consequences or fear of how she was going to respond. How going forward if we were going to have a relationship I needed certain things from her-  like treating me like an adult, treating my husband with respect, respecting our decisions as parents and not criticizing everything we do (which she does in front of the kids) and most importantly I wanted her to get help- either from medication or talking to someone.  I can't continue to listen to how her misery is my fault all the time.  I told her I was not responsible for her happiness and it was not normal or necessary for her to be as miserable as she is every day.

That's pretty much where we are now.  It's been almost 6 months since the call where she hung up on me.  I received one email since my last email to her basically saying she cannot believe how I am treating her after all she has done for me and how all this is my fault and I should take some ownership of our situation.  And how she cannot believe I am standing in the way of her relationship with her grandchildren.  Nothing about how she could see my side.  Nothing admitting maybe she overreacted.  Nothing about how she might consider the anti-depressants.  (All wishful thinking, I know).  

I wake up everyday wondering if I'm crazy.  Questioning standing my ground and not reaching out.  Wondering if I'm overreacting?  If this is all in my head?  If I really am being the horrible selfish daughter she says I am?  It's tough and sometimes the guilt can still be overwhelming.
 
But on the other hand, I'm exhausted.  I am done feeling like a scared child.  I'm done having my stomach twisted up in knots every time I have to call her.  I'm done letting her moods dictate our lives.  I'm done being guilted and manipulated into things I don't want to do.  

I'm trying to focus on myself.  Self care.  Conscious living.  Trying to be a better mom to my kids and not continue the cycle.  Trying to hug them daily even though that is not my natural instinct and to praise them instead of criticize.  Basically trying to minimze the amount of time they'll be talking about me in therapy someday -  ha! 

Sorry!  This was way more than I intended to write!  And probably way more than you were looking for when you asked to hear more of my story!  ha!  

[Exhaustedaughter]

It would be weird if I said I enjoyed reading your stories because your pain is obvious and heartbreaking, but I have to say as I read every word I am mesmerized that there are others in the same situation. 

As I read your stories TryingFrozen and Zebedee, as much as I feel your pain I can also hear your strength and hope you recognize it in yourselves. 
 
My mother has masks too, if you met her you would most likely walk away thinking I am crazy because here is June Clever.  Ugh, so much so that I would tilt my head and wonder how she can flip the switch so fast.

I have one son and he is the center of my world.  All I ever wanted to be was a mother, which is crazy considering my role model.  And I have to say that loving him I have covered but some of the other things I have no reference points for and so I have no idea what I am supposed to do.  There are times he will do/say something and I stare at him blinking trying to figure out how I am supposed to handle this?  I know how it would have been handled when I was and I know that is wrong, so I just sit there.  I can hear him now when he is in therapy "I would say things to my mom and she would just blink at me with this blank face"  it isn't funny but it kinda of is. 

Zebedee I have a hard time with medications also, how long of a plane ride is it?  Instead of taking like an anxiety medicine would something to make you tired work?  Maybe you could download a movie, put on your headphones, listen as it begins and then fall asleep?  Sounds like it would be an amazing trip and a great opportunity for you, I hope that you are able to find something that would work.

I don't know how to fix any of this, but I sincerely feel better talking with you both and less desperate. I hope we keep talking and I am definitely keeping you in my thoughts 

[Spindle0516]

My mother’s behaviour has caused me so much stress, anxiety and pain that I am terrified to fly and have a flight coming up for a University Criminology trip in a few weeks time. I know it will be such a good thing for me to do but I’m so scared.

Hi! Do you know what about flying makes you anxious? I am a flight attendant and have walked so many people through panic attacks on planes.

 Aisle seats are great options for people with anxiety- you'll have an easier time standing up and moving around if you feel antsy. I would definitely recommend keeping your air vent open and asking for ice water so that you can keep yourself from overheating. Having a device with movies/music downloaded is also helpful if you need to distract yourself. Wifi can be tricky/finicky on a lot of international flights, so downloaded options are always good as a backup. This may seem silly, but have snacks. You'd be surprised how quickly people calm when they aren't hungry.

Are you travelling with anyone you know or feel comfortable leaning on if needed? Sometimes just having a familiar hand to grab can make a difference.

I'm going to try and think of other things I have seen work for people, but in the mean time, please know that even if you did have a panic attack on a plane, it will still be okay. You won't be the first or the last- sometimes even just telling the flight attendants you are nervous can make a difference. Don't be afraid to talk to them- that is what they are there for! I see it a lot and there is always at least one crew member who doesn't mind devoting some time to calming any fears or nerves that you may have.

And finally, I too have a lot of anxiety around getting sick abroad. Seems odd given my career choice, I know, but there a few things that have helped calm some of my nerves. I always carry over the counter meds- ibuprofen, tums, tylenol...things of that nature. Even making sure I am staying hydrated and that I have some kind of electrolyte supplement and vitamins. Taking care of my body while travelling helps me feel like like I am doing all I can to prevent illness. And you will be travelling in the US, so you will still have easy access to healthcare if you really needed it.

Hope that is helpful 

[Zebedee1210]

TryingforZen thank you so much for sharing. Your story mirrors mine in many ways in relation to our mothers behaviours. My mother too reiterates how much she sacrificed, but isn’t that just what you do as a mother without expected anything back!

She too has a different memory to her siblings of a horrific childhood. I too was never lacking care in a practical sense, but suffered emotional neglect and abuse, and you have actually triggered memories of how important it was to my Mum that I look perfect whenever we went anywhere.

 Also my Mum retired a few years ago which correlates with the decline in her behaviour. It’s like they have nothing else to focus on so start intruding in to our lives. I have suggested voluntary work, courses she could do and so much else but she just isn’t interested. I even offered to take her on holiday a few years ago (I know right?) but nothing was good enough.

I know I don’t know you but I am mega proud that you haven’t given in on the vacation and put yourself through it. It’s the hardest thing ever to deal with the guilt, and when they start being reasonable and nice for that period after the storm, it’s easy to fall it in the trap, and then repeat the cycle. My Mum and I are in that stage at the moment, she is going through the nice stage ‘I don’t want to lose you’ ‘I just want to help you’ ‘I love you’, I’m doing my best to be strong and not give in and think it’s all getting better as I usually do because in a few days the rollercoaster will begin again as I’ll no doubt upset her in some way. It’s ridiculous that we are grown women and putting up with this, we wouldn’t take it from a friend.

The feelings you describe parallel mine. Do you feel better having distance from her? I think if I lived further away (my mum lives just around the corner) it may ease things a little. The only advice I can give you is to stay strong, remember you are an adult with your own family and life which is your priority. You matter and your happiness matters! Self care is a hard one... I think we’ve all been beaten down so much that’s it’s so difficult to put ourselves and our needs first, and because we’ve been told that’s wrong it’s become a scary thing.

Exhausteddaughter how old is your son? Maybe if you are struggling to communicate with him effectively, just hug him. I know affection can be difficult for us. I struggle to show any affection to my husband but I’m working on it. Kids just need to know that you are there. Sometimes just listening is enough. It’s lovely to hear that he is the centre of your world! My son is as well and I think being a good Mum to him has really given my life a purpose. I would never put him through what my Mum has done to me.

The plane journey is 7 hours, I’m travelling from London Heathrow to Newark.

 Spindle0516, thank you so much for posting with your advice. I think there’s several factors at play which contribute to my fear of flying. Feeling trapped is a major one, I hate being in a confined space and not being able to get off or move around. Another one is that I have too much time to think so drive myself crazy going over the worst possible scenarios and worrying. I hate the noises onboard the aircraft, we had a flight from Hell to Malaga once when the turbulence was so bad people were screaming, we all thought we were going to die and even the cabin crew looked concerned, which just reinforced my already severe phobia. So...turbulence is another one. I also worry I’m going to be sick, pass out, or freak out on the plane and embarrass myself. I usually end up crying. I don’t want to humiliate myself in front of the lecturers or other students on the trip, however I have made the lecturer aware of my fear. Do you know if cocodamol is ok to bring in to the US? I sometimes use it for pain and to help me sleep. Great idea to bring meds and vitamins. Again I think this all stems from doing anything independently from my mother. Even at age 38!

I’m sorry my posts are always so long! Big hugs to you all!

[tryingforzen]

My Therapist told me about this tapping technique a few years ago to help me in situations where I feel a panic attack coming on.  Not sure reading the article fully explains it, but maybe your therapist could help?  Or you could watch a YouTube video about it?   https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping#research

Also, at the risk of sounding too out there... have you ever used crystals?  I'm just starting to explore them, but there are lots thought to help in stressful situations.  Worth a try!
 www.happiestwhenexploring.com/packing/7-crystals-for-travel/