First of all, just wanted to say that I relate to all of what you're saying. Particularly the part about the problems being with everyone else and refusing treatment.
I'm thousands of miles away. So I don't know anyone in your area. And since you're new I'm going to assume that you just found out about BPD recently, so apologies if this is not the case.
Personally speaking I couldn't find a therapist who specifically marketed themselves as treating family members. So I looked for someone who treats people with BPD. And since current research states that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is the most effective treatment, I sought out someone who has been trained by the organization founded by Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT.
These are two databases that have lists of therapists and treatment centers with DBT training:
www.dbt-lbc.org/index.php?page=101163https://behavioraltech.org/resources/find-a-therapist/I'm not sure why or how they're different, but for me the more information and options the better.
Not everyone listed will have a doctorate level of education. After a less than stellar experience with an LMFT with no BPD experience I can understand why you'd want a doctorate level therapist. But since BPD presents some unique challenges and relationship problems I would suspect that an LMFT/LCSW with DBT training and BPD experience would be able to serve you better than a PhD with none.
Some places have "Skills Training" classes that are directed at family members. I have never done one though so I can't say anything about them beyond the fact that they exist.
I would also recommend the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning. It's available on Amazon.
Personally speaking getting myself into therapy and reading that book has significantly increased my quality of life. There are almost certainly things that you can do (and not your wife) that will increase your quality of life.
