How I Wish I Didn’t Take It So Personally

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother is a combination of a rollercoaster and a spinning wheel, she takes me up when she is acting normally and loving and down when I am somehow responsible for her life not turning out.  To make it worse it is almost like she has different personalities, none of them are aware of the other one and none remember what the others did.  She is a child who apologizes constantly, a rebellious teenager that is sarcastic, and an angry person who with every comment it is meant to cut to the bone.  Nothing I do is right, if I offer her milk with dinner “what are you offering me that for do you think I am incapable of getting it for myself?”  and if I don’t offer it “what I don’t deserve your milk, your milk too good for me?”  It is a no win situation and she can teeter between personalities minute to minute or stay there for days.  I swear even her physical appearance is even different.  I am 43 years old and my mother lives with me.  I try to have patience because she had incest with her father and she had a crib death and I know her life hasn’t been easy but at the same time I feel like my entire life, I am married, am a mother, work full time and have gone back to school but yet everyday I drive home wondering who it will be.  Right now she has been in a funk where she could be wanting to hurt herself although she hasn’t said anything, this time, so it is a waiting game everyday.  I wish I could find a way to not take the cruel things she says to heart.  I wish I could not be afraid that she will hurt herself and that this won’t be the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf.  When I was a child she would beat us while telling us how we should have had the abortion when she had the chance, and a million other cruel things that she said and did.  I wish I could feel good about myself and that I am capable of being loved and a good person.  I know I have rambled on and my thoughts are all over the place and I am sorry, it has been a week now where she rather pee in a bucket in her room then come upstairs and risk seeing me.  I am so frustrated and deflated.  I have read the books and yet here I am still trying to figure out how to please her because it breaks my heart to see her like this, she is my mom right, shouldn’t I be doing more?  What if something happens to her, will it be because I wasn’t more understanding, compassionate or inventive?  Please someone tell me how to be ok with me?  Please tell me how I can bring a coffee pot into the house without having to justify it didn’t have anything to do with her.  Yes, it really is that ridiculous.  But yet sitting here writing this I feel disloyal and guilty.  Thank you for letting me ramble

[Exhaustedaughter]

My mother is a combination of a rollercoaster and a spinning wheel, she takes me up when she is acting normally and loving and down when I am somehow responsible for her life not turning out.  To make it worse it is almost like she has different personalities, none of them are aware of the other one and none remember what the others did.  She is a child who apologizes constantly, a rebellious teenager that is sarcastic, and an angry person who with every comment it is meant to cut to the bone.  Nothing I do is right, if I offer her milk with dinner “what are you offering me that for do you think I am incapable of getting it for myself?”  and if I don’t offer it “what I don’t deserve your milk, your milk too good for me?”  It is a no win situation and she can teeter between personalities minute to minute or stay there for days.  I swear even her physical appearance is even different.  I am 43 years old and my mother lives with me.  I try to have patience because she had incest with her father and she had a crib death and I know her life hasn’t been easy but at the same time I feel like my entire life, I am married, am a mother, work full time and have gone back to school but yet everyday I drive home wondering who it will be.  Right now she has been in a funk where she could be wanting to hurt herself although she hasn’t said anything, this time, so it is a waiting game everyday.  I wish I could find a way to not take the cruel things she says to heart.  I wish I could not be afraid that she will hurt herself and that this won’t be the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf.  When I was a child she would beat us while telling us how we should have had the abortion when she had the chance, and a million other cruel things that she said and did.  I wish I could feel good about myself and that I am capable of being loved and a good person.  I know I have rambled on and my thoughts are all over the place and I am sorry, it has been a week now where she rather pee in a bucket in her room then come upstairs and risk seeing me.  I am so frustrated and deflated.  I have read the books and yet here I am still trying to figure out how to please her because it breaks my heart to see her like this, she is my mom right, shouldn’t I be doing more?  What if something happens to her, will it be because I wasn’t more understanding, compassionate or inventive?  Please someone tell me how to be ok with me?  Please tell me how I can bring a coffee pot into the house without having to justify it didn’t have anything to do with her.  Yes, it really is that ridiculous.  But yet sitting here writing this I feel disloyal and guilty.  Thank you for letting me ramble

[Harri]

Hi exhausted-d and welcome. 

I am glad you found us and reached out for support.  You have landed in a great place for that as we are all dealing with a family member with BPD or BPD traits.  For me, it was my mother.  I know how much it hurts and is confusing and painful to have a mother who can change on a dime like yours.   When I was a kid my mom used to hide out in the basement and also refused to come upstairs if i was there to the point of peeing in jars.  It messes with your head doesn't it?

All those wishes you wrote about in your post?  You can get there.  It will take time and hard work but it can be done.  Learning about BPD behaviors and understanding them can help you to not take them so personally.  Let's face it though, a lot of the behaviors do hurt and will still hurt even after you learn some tools and techniques that can help a lot.  But the hurt lessens as you detach emotionally and differentiate from your mother.

It can and does get better.

One thing I do want to say is that even though your mom had to deal with a lot in her life and has been hurt, so have you.  All of us here were abused, some emotionally, verbally, physically or sexually... and some experienced all of them.  The point is to not let those experiences drive our behaviors.  Only your mom can make that choice for herself... but that does not mean you have to allow her to abuse you or justify why you bring a coffee pot into your house or anything else.

We can help you sort through this so I hope you stick around and post and jump into other threads.  We all work together to help each other here.

Again, welcome.

[Exhaustedaughter]

Thank you so much for replying, I have been close to tears all day with frustration, really a lifetime of it, but any more I feel desperate.  I feel disloyal talking to anyone about it and when I do try to talk to like my husband he just doesn’t understand and I feel like I have to defend her to him because I have always protected her.  You are absolutely right, it messes with your head the lengths they go to. It is sad really because what must be going through their minds?  It is tragic and sad and I think that is how I get roped in. Thank you listening, for being here and for giving me hope!

[Harri]

 

What happened today that got you to reach our here for support?  Was there a specific incident?  If you share details with us it can help us get a better idea of the situation and guide you better.

I know what you mean about feeling disloyal when talking about the things that happen(ed).  Many of us have talked about that and struggled with feelings of guilt and betrayal.  For a lot of us it is because we were taught to always put our family member/parent first and that things that happened in the house stay in the house.  It is hard to break through that fear of disclosing info but it is so worth it.  You are worth the effort to fight through the fear and anxiety so I hope you keep talking with us.

I am not married but I know others here do not share everything with their spouse, at least in terms of their struggles with their pwBPD (person with BPD).  It is a lot to take on for one thing and yes, often, they do not understand as they have no reference for insight.  Plus it is hard to see a loved one in pain and hurting.  Just like it is hard for you to think of what is going on in your moms head.  It gets complicated.

The thing is, it is okay and even vital for you to talk about things and you can do that here safely and without judgement. 

As you spend more time here, read some of the articles listed in How to get the most out of this site as those are some great articles to start with.

[Exhaustedaughter]

When I sat back and thought about the question of what happened to bring me here it wasn’t as easy as I thought, it is a combination of things really.

My mother is and has always been obsessed with death.  Her first child was a still born and the child after me was a crib death and maybe that was the tipping point for her.  She raised us saying “don’t do that, what if I/she/him/they died tomorrow how would that make you feel?”  Then every time I turned around she was dying from something like cancer or some other illness she managed to convince herself.  I remember her getting drunk and calling everyone and telling them she was dying, over and over and over again.  Then you can pepper in all the times she attempted suicide, it was one of her hospitalizations that diagnosed her with BPD.  I have lived my entire life thinking my mother was going to die and not wanting to do anything I would feel guilty for and constantly trying to improve her life.   

I was never angry at her as a child, I had heard rumors about what happened to her and so I forgave her and always tried to please her.  When I was younger she was heavy into drugs and drinking, it wasn’t anything for her to punch us and beat us and then would start throwing up from over indulgence, I would hold her head out of the toilet and then get up and go to school the next day, and yet I never blamed her.  Until the day my son was born and once I felt that overwhelming love for my son I couldn’t understand how she could do the things she did to me because I would never ever want to hurt my son. So it wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I allowed myself to be angry with her which just adds another layer to the roller coaster ride that is our relationship.
If there was ever such as thing as multiple personalities that is my mother.  She may not be “Faces of Eve” extreme but she does have different personalities.  She can be loving – which makes you think you are a horrible person for ever feeling anything bad for her.  She can be a small child – where she apologizes for everything and tries to please you.  She can be an older woman – this personality actually has a tiny accent which is interesting.  She is a teenager – that constantly has to input her sarcastic remarks into everything.  She is angry and hateful and nothing you do is enough.  She is depressed when she just has given up on life and doesn’t want to go on.   The paranoid person – where she is convinced the government and aliens are out to get us, although this really can go along with any of the other moods I have mentioned.   

My mother lives with me.  She lived with my sister for several years and my sister supported her but my sister is married and does have three kids in a three bedroom house that is too small for my mother’s big personality and since I have one child and an extra bedroom she became mine about 7 years ago.   She causes issues in my house, I constantly have to remind her that I am the mother of my son and not her, her inappropriate dynamics with men means to her my husband is everything.  Pretty sure she has thrown herself at him on more than one occasion.  Then why do you let her stay you ask, because what if she died?  My mother can’t support herself, her paranoia and temper makes it difficult to hold down a job but she still wants to live alone and have her own money.   She has to have a purpose otherwise her suicidal tendencies surface so she picks up my son from school every day.    She identifies with him and says things against me to him but I try not to let it affect me and then educate my son differently but can’t put her out of the house because what if she dies?

The last week she has been in a funk, not eating or drinking, at least not that I know of however she will sneak around the house when I am not home or after everyone goes to bed, collect things and then go back to her room so no one really knows for sure.  I have tried to make her a plate and take it to her and as I preparing her plate in my mind I am thinking “what if she is dead?” as I take the stairs to her room I just want to burst into tears because will I be able to handle whatever spectacle awaits me?  As the terror builds up inside me I enter her room, relieved to find her alive but then am greeted with sarcastic and hateful words and then start kicking myself for allowing her to have this much control over my emotions.  I spent the entire weekend planning her funeral, again.  I can’t live like this anymore.  Her mental state has become all-consuming for me and I think it is time for her to live somewhere else, which is not an easy thing for me to think or say out loud because it feels like betrayal because I can see the loving mother in my head and how can I do this to her, and then there is always the “What if she died” looming over my head. 
All she wants is to live on her own anyway.  When I was a child it didn’t bother her when we lived out of a car, to her that was better than any alternative.   Today she wouldn’t care if when she moves out and she doesn’t have money for food or essentials because at least she would be out on her own.  Up until now I have just resigned myself to the fact that my mother would be living with one of us the rest of her life. However I think she will now qualify for social security, not a lot but maybe enough to live in subsidized housing and then my siblings and I can cover the rest.   
I have been to counseling, I have read the books, I have gone to church and as I take in all of the information I just smile and nod like “easier said than done” or “that works for this second but you don’t understand what if she dies?”  Do you see how that is just a loop in my head that basically is the motivator for everything?  I guess what brought me here is I am burnt out.   I don’t want to feel guilty any more - if only I could have done more - she can’t help what she does look at all the horrible things that she has gone through in her life how you can be so insensitive – look at your loving mother what kind of daughter are you?  I have mourned her so many times over the years but I am always afraid she will cry wolf and how would I feel then?

I guess what I am looking for is permission or maybe help coping, I am not sure exactly I just know I am exhausted living like this.

[TelHill]

Welcome! 

I can relate to your name and story. My elderly mom is obsessed with bad things from the past and death. She had  lot of it growing up.  She's been unable to come to terms with it after 60 years.

I am pt care giver to my mom and my elderly dad. I have had the therapy, read books, went between NC and LC for many years.  It's hard work to not take the verbal/emotional abuse personally. I have a bag of tricks like complimenting her, not making eye contact, leaving the room without telling her (she throws fits if I tell her I'll be in another room on my laptop working - am lazy so working is impossible for me she screams), being silent when she rages, etc. I don't take it personally, but it's still uncomfortable.  Mom is chummy 20% of the time and the remainder ranges from dissociated to full-on rage. 

My parents can take care of themselves for the most part- they cook, clean, garden of the time. I pick up the slack, drive, pay bills, accompany them to doctor appointments, go on walks around the park with them (mom has fallen down many times with just dad there), grocery shop & track down bargains/sales, order things online they need, clean where they often miss, am a positive friend to both of them and encourage them when they are down. The last two are given to mom only under safe circumstances.  They've had health issues heart problems, broken shoulder and hip.

In my opinion (pls take with a grain of salt), your mom needs a lot more help than my 90+ yo parents do put together.  It's too much for one person to give her so much physical care & deal with her abusive behavior. No wonder you are burned out. Can you afford a home health aide to help you or place her in assisted living?  That would give you time to do self-care and relax. It helps you to deal with the emotional turmoil she causes a little better.

Take care and thinking good thoughts for you! 

[Exhaustedaughter]

TelHill - Hi there!

I can't afford the in home care, to be honest she is 62 and in perfect physical health it is mentally that she is in need of the most help.  She of course doesn't have any problems, I am the ungrateful A**hole in her life that she is forced to deal with.    Although I have recently resigned myself to it is time to find an alternative.  That is so hard for me to say and probably harder when the time comes to do because even though she is all those things I get caught up in "but she is my mother".  I also agree that I need time for me, I don't smoke, drink, exercise or have any other vices.  I have tried to do meditation but my mind won't stop racing. 

You sound amazing, what you do for your parents is amazing.  How do we compete with death, that is like the wild card that trumps everything.  It is funny you said not make eye contact, I can't seem to bring myself to look her in the face.  When we are talking and I am looking everywhere but at her I try and force myself but it almost causes physical pain to look her in the eyes.  Yep, mine is on a 20/80 split too and it is hard because that 20 almost sucks you back in until the 80 takes over and you beat yourself up for falling for it again.  We are surrounded by crazy people and yet we are seeking help, that just seems ironic and unfair. 

I would love to hear more about your "bag of tricks" I haven't found anything that really works.  The ridiculous thing is I am good at my job, active members the community and school, have an amazing husband and son, happy and positive at work and yet she can turn my world upside down in an instance.

Thank you so much for your good thoughts and I will definitely keep you in mine   

[TelHill]

Hi Exhausted-D,

My bag of tricks are what I listed and reading the articles at this site on JADE, SET, the Karpman Drama Triangle. Meditation helps immensely. I do a spiritual type, but have rediscovered this mindfulness meditation from UCLA Medical School recently. I do the breathing meditation daily and have done the others on occasion -

https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/mindful-meditations

It sounds like mom would not do well living on her own which is why you and your sister have taken turns.  I believe she can take early Social Security benefits at age 62. It's not that much but it's worth applying for. Can she apply for federal or state disability?  Could she get free local medical care due to her low income status?  In some states, a person can get a lot of free social services to help them get on their feet.  It may help give you some relief in the process.

Am sure you researched these issues but in case you haven't had the time, I'd thought I'd put these out to you. You are doing good for your mom, and you deserve doing good for your health and well-being. Hope you get some rest and some emotional support in your community. Post here often too. We love to give (&, of course, get) the emotional support we never got from our bpd relative. Take care!