Chances while he's pursuing someone else..?

[TheExFiancee]

Dear BPD-Family,

I am heartbroken at the moment.

After everything looked so good with rekindling our relationship after his last relationship fell apart, I have to watch him flirting with a new girl now.. this is happening for the 5th time now after the beak up (which is 2 years ago).

Like I told you in my last post:
we hooked up after he said we both deserved another try, but when I was back home and asked about our relationship he said he apologised for the misunderstanding and explained that he just wanted to see if the spark was still there between us… and we promised to give us some space and take things from there.

Now we haven't been talking at all for nearly 4 weeks.
Not one single message.
But his Facebook posts and the new female friend he added on there make me worry a lot.

I think I gotta go through the next rebound story with him soon...

Now, how much sense do you think it would make reaching out to him in this situation?
Where he is not contacting me at all.
I would at least give it another month or so, but his birthday is coming up in December and I wonder if I shouldn't at least text him then?

We also wanted to plan an event together within the next months as soon as it'll be announced.
Should I get in touch with him then? Or just wait?

I miss being in touch, I would love to rekindle this so much.
I don't know what the next step should be. He is the love of my life.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheExFiancee]

Hello BPD-Family,

I think that folks on the detaching board are the most aware of the destructive behaviour of the BPD persons in our life, that's why I'm turning to you cause after more than 2 years I still desperately wanna rekindle.

Seems like my ex has found a new relationship within just a few weeks after telling me we could try again.

We have been together for a year, all his other relationships didn't last longer than 2-3 months (maximum).
Still it feels like hell to me having to watch this happening again…

Just wanna get this out here and thought maybe someone can send me a reminder why those relationships don't work out in most cases. Why I shouldn't be worried that I'll never hear from him again. Because the past 2 years - in the end he always came back, even if it was just for a day.

Thank you 

[once removed]

I still desperately wanna rekindle.

if you want to rekindle, i encourage you to work here on the Bettering board. Detaching is for members who have made the commitment to move on and are working through the stages of grief.

Just wanna get this out here and thought maybe someone can send me a reminder why those relationships don't work out in most cases.

i think it makes sense to explore this question in greater detail.

if these relationships dont work out in most cases, does that mean youre chasing something thats unobtainable or unhealthy?

and if not, what would make you the exception?

bottom line: reversing a breakup is really about understanding what went wrong in your relationship, and what is going to change in order to get it on a healthy trajectory.

the goal should not be to rekindle at any cost. to make this work (if its possible) requires a great deal of strength and discipline.

you dont want to be a rebound. that is doomed to fail. you dont want to be a doormat. that is doomed to fail.

Now, how much sense do you think it would make reaching out to him in this situation?

what would you want to say?

[TheExFiancee]

Hello once removed,

we've been together for a year and that year was perfect.
I realised that I've been a bit to neglectful - he wanted to be my number one and l haven't been fully there for him. I haven't been ready for a relationship myself with 22/23. I'm 26 now and in these two years I've learned so much and bettered myself and found these boards, these tools, l know we can make it work out with that knowledge and with me wanting it!

He's always being left because he gets too much in his relationships. I never gave up on him.

What I'd love to say to him is asking how he's doing, planning the event we wanted to go together. Back when we were in touch I said I'll go and see him and then we can travel together. He said he'll come and see me next year.

I wanna do all this still. I feel like I gave up on him cause the past 4 weeks after saying "let's take some space and take things from there" l didn't try to contact him anymore. I let him delete me from social media.

Last night he deleted me from the last platform we've been connected on.

My heart is literally bleeding.
How to rekindle from here?

[once removed]

we've been together for a year and that year was perfect.

i say this gently, but if that year was perfect, then what happened? why would the two of you have broken up?

realistic expectations are really critical.

you are seeing the relationship, and him, through rose tinted glasses, and expecting that if you sacrifice yourself, that he will value you and things will work.

it wont. because youre throwing your self respect to the wind when its critical. people wont respect us if we dont respect ourselves.

after saying "let's take some space and take things from there" l didn't try to contact him anymore. I let him delete me from social media.

who is the one that suggested that you take some space? you or him?

[TheExFiancee]

I suggested taking space and taking things from there and his answer was "sure..."

Everything that happened since then is him deleting me everywhere, posting on social media that he needs to let go of the ones he's not seeing in his future and adding new girls on his Facebook.

I wonder if reaching out is okay after 2 months of silence..? A I'd love to send a birthday card and show him that he can come and talk to me..

[TheExFiancee]

Now I think I'm going crazy..

Some relationship expert suggested me to turn my social media posts to private so that my ex can't secretly check on me and will get curious and eventually reaches out.

I did that last night and what happened?

When I woke up this morning our (very old) joint account has liked one of my tweets and one of his.

His post was about "always being 2nd choice" (I guess that post was about the woman he's currently pursuing..?) mine was about something completely relationship unrelated.

Yeah, I am stalking his social media a lot but I'm always very very careful about not liking stuff.

Now I'm sitting here wondering if he logged in to read me? Or if I logged in in my sleep and did that myself without noticing?  :D

Just wanted to share this crazy story. We haven't been talking for a full month, that's why I'm so surprised now!

Guess I'll stay in no contact and see what happens next..
Any thoughts on that?

[once removed]

by and large, these are tactics or tricks to get someones attention.

sometimes they can have an effect (human nature), and sometimes not. sometimes theyre the only card we can play.

its important, if youre going to use them, to have a clear head about what youre doing and why, and what it means (if anything) if he responds.

maybe more important is that these are all short term tactics, these things arent a long term plan when it comes to how you would approach the relationship if you were to reconcile. yes, youve got to play the cards you can play, but even if you hit the jackpot, things would crash and burn quickly without a big picture approach.

TEF, you are mostly approaching this from a place of desperation and anxiety, a "get him back at any cost" approach. its a losing, and unhealthy strategy in the long term, and one where you will get hurt.

one of the secrets to attracting someone is being able to live without them. to maintain our self respect and dignity. otherwise, the only thing attractive about us is an opportunity to be used.

Guess I'll stay in no contact and see what happens next.

"no contact" is a tool for detaching. think of it more as giving space and not over pursuing (respect for him, and for yourself). use that time wisely to get on a healthier trajectory. that will be the most attractive thing you can do.

Some relationship expert

tread lightly. anyone can charge money and call themselves a relationship expert. this person isnt teaching you the stuff you will need long term to build the foundation of a healthy relationship.

why not find a good therapist instead?

[TheExFiancee]

Dear once removed,

I've been through therapy and I'm planning to repeat and fully heal.
I'm learning everything about BPD l can. I'm doing my very best.

Just, this would be for nothing if he didn't come back. So my question is: what to do to make him come back?

And taking this sneaky dating advice, giving him a few months of space, then sending a nice birthday card would be my approach.

What do you think? What can l do better? I have no more ideas.

Thank you

[once removed]

So my question is: what to do to make him come back?

be attractive. be the best version of yourself. be strong, and confident.

TEF, this might sound backwards, but:

strength comes from being in a place where you know you can live without someone, and are prepared to. where, it might not be ideal, but its something you can cope with and know that youre okay.

to be attractive, strong, confident, you need to be in a place where you can live without him. where what you are doing does not revolve around him.

it commands respect. men (or women) wont commit to someone they cant/dont respect. theyll take advantage.

its a mindset. an attitude. a lifestyle. it comes from within. it doesnt come from tactics (though tactics can be a part of the broader strategy). your attitude will dictate your tactics because theyll come from a place of confidence rather than desperation.

furthermore, it takes a huge amount of strength to be in a bpd relationship; its about more than just getting him back. otherwise, you will get run over.

Just, this would be for nothing if he didn't come back.

switch this mindset. bettering yourself, building yourself up, getting stronger is never for nothing; its essential.