Just hanging in there

[momo2020]

Hi Everyone,

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. Whilst my partner is not formally diagnosed with BPD (as far as  i know) I did see a post from her previous partner on social media about 6 months into our relationship warning others not to get involved as she was a text book case of BPD. I did not take too much notice and put it down to a case of a the guy being quite bitter from a break up.

Fast forward a year and a half and I have been through all the stages with my loved one. To complicate matters further, my partner suffered a physical and mental break down about 3 months after we started our relationship. Her diagnosis was quite debilitating and she spent a number of stints in hospital and still requires ongoing care. In essence became the career and financial provider when she was not in treatment for her condition and she has lived with me for the last year and a half as she had little means of income.

Her condition has not improved much so she is limited in her ability to get out and about and is constantly in chronic pain. Unfortunately her condition does not lend well to what I clearly see as borderline tendencies. I run and own my own business so I am juggling the business pressures and the final stages of my partner threatening to leave. To top things off her daughter who is 18 years old came to stay with us short term but has now been with us for almost 5 months. He daughter is unemployed and does not study and simply sits beside her mother all day long tending to her needs which is not required. Her mother gets company and security from her daughter so little is done about the daughter moving on.

My partner and I have had some discussions and I have become extremely frustrated when I am simply get to the end of my tether with being blamed with every problem of my partners life. Her daughter now won’t move on and feels she needs to protect her mother and become her carer. So in effect I am supporting the two of them. My partner does have insurance (recently) which helps a little but this is rarely contributed as my partners disability now is permanent. I can't approach the issue of her assiting in paying as she feels I am taking advantage of her.

Our relationship has taken a massive spiral downwards from the last three arguments. Whilst I am not perfect and am struggling to deal with all the pressure and have no where to turn. I have vices like the next person but these are seen as massive issues to my partner and no matter what I do I can see my partner looking at me with the greatest contempt. Her constant pain only adds to the tendencies of BPD and there is nothing I can do. If I say something to her I am met with massive outbursts of the worst kind. Some of the things she has said I would never say to my worst enemy. The problem is that she brings up issues that she is actually doing herself bet cannot see it. She never apologises and continually says I am gaslighting and never take responsibility.

I am a strong person but this is killing me and I have no where to turn to for advice. I love her but lately it's not resiprocated and all her emaotional needs are met from the daughter. I must say I am slightly embarrassed in her bhaviour at times internally as on the outside she comes across as the sweetest most attractive person. Litttle does anyone know what is going on behind the scenes. I am deeply unhappy with how i am treated. I am really after some advice on how to deal with this.

Thanks for listening to me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi momo!

That sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Running a business and financially supporting/caretaking a person with BPD (and her daughter) is a huge load to carry. Are you able to do anything for self-care? Hobbies? Spending time with friends and family? Anything to refill your cup?

Blame-shifting is, unfortunately, not uncommon in BPD. Sometimes it's projection and a reaction to shame. They have their own behavior and they don't like it or are embarrassed by it but because of their intense emotions and poor emotional regulation, they can't handle it. So, they put it off onto someone else.

I can't approach the issue of her assiting in paying as she feels I am taking advantage of her.

I'm sure you see the irony in this. It sounds to me like you're being taken advantage of across the board and you're reaching your breaking point -- which is understandable. Regardless, this is a situation that can't continue as it is. Your own health and well-being won't allow it.

As it stands now, you're enabling both her and her daughter. The best thing for everyone will be for you to gradually step away from that role. Be loving, kind, empathetic, but step away from the role of "rescuer." And be firm about it. It will likely take a LOT of finesse and careful communication. I'm sure others here can step in and help better than I can.

It may mean starting by insisting (again, kindly but firmly) that she start contributing some of her insurance money to the support of the household.

But, to start off, you might want to take a look at these:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0