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Author Topic: Trying to learn how to support my husband w/BPD and stay sane with this secret  (Read 370 times)
blue_watermelon

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« on: October 16, 2019, 07:14:22 PM »

Hi. New member here. For four months I have known/believed my husband has BPD. I'm not able to tell him as the topic is too fraught and he will not accept it. Trying to learn more about how to support him and stay sane with this secret.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 09:08:15 PM by Radcliff » Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2019, 07:11:22 PM »

hi blue_watermelon and Welcome

Excerpt
Trying to learn more about how to support him and stay sane with this secret.

i feel you!

youre in the right place to do that, with folks who get it.

tell us more. how long have the two of you been married? what are the primary conflicts in your relationship?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
blue_watermelon

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« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2019, 08:29:17 PM »

Hi Once Removed,

Thanks for your message of welcome! I already feel much less alone having found this community.

We've been married for less than two years, had a baby and lived in three continents in that time. One of the things I find difficult with a BPD spouse is trying to find ways to connect to support systems and locations for self care  for when he is triggered.

For example, when we lived in the middle east, husband would often order me out of the house. This wasn't comfortable where we lived, and when we had a tiny baby, extremely difficult. We now live in a safer environment, but it is very cold, which makes it difficult to just "leave" with the baby, when either husband demands it, or when, for my own sanity I need to get away.

There is no physical violence in our fights. Just verbal abuse and recently my husband started throwing small things around or breaking small things.  Husband does not self harm, but seriously considered suicide earlier this year. Usually pattern of behavior when triggered is swearing at me, trying to emotionally manipulate me, yelling in a frightening manner, controlling my location (leaving me on the sidewalk and driving away), ordering me out of the house etc. Or, when in shut down mode, staying in bed and not talking to me for a few days. Occasionally, he also also "retaliated" by attempting to hurt my professional reputation with colleagues. I work in a field in which it is very difficult to get a job and where reputation is important. When husband made me look bad to my colleagues, that was for me the lowest point in our marriage and I still feel sick with fear when I remember what he did.

 Husband admits he has an "addictive" personality but I am impressed that he channels his addiction to non-harmful behaviors such as particular non-alcoholic drinks. Husband admits he has PTSD, anxiety and depression.

I also feel very conflicted about if I should tell my parents about what is going on. They are good parents and I know they worry about me and worry about my husband's behavior. As they don't know his BPD condition, I see them very confused and sometimes stepping in an unhelpful way. They live in another country so it is not an immediate issue. But I would like to tell them, but I feel to do so would be the biggest betrayal of my husband. I have not told anyone except chatted to our ex marriage counselor who told me privately about BPD. I would like to tell my parents as even though they are far away they are our most significant support system.

blue_watermelon
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« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2019, 09:21:54 AM »

verbal abuse and recently my husband started throwing small things around or breaking small things.
...
seriously considered suicide earlier this year.
Usually pattern of behavior when triggered is swearing at me, trying to emotionally manipulate me, yelling in a frightening manner, controlling my location (leaving me on the sidewalk and driving away), ordering me out of the house etc. Or, when in shut down mode, staying in bed and not talking to me for a few days. Occasionally, he also also "retaliated" by attempting to hurt my professional reputation with colleagues. I work in a field in which it is very difficult to get a job and where reputation is important. When husband made me look bad to my colleagues, that was for me the lowest point in our marriage and I still feel sick with fear when I remember what he did.

this is significant conflict, the likes of which there is no easy way to deal with. how have you responded to these things?

I also feel very conflicted about if I should tell my parents about what is going on. They are good parents and I know they worry about me and worry about my husband's behavior. As they don't know his BPD condition, I see them very confused and sometimes stepping in an unhelpful way. They live in another country so it is not an immediate issue. But I would like to tell them, but I feel to do so would be the biggest betrayal of my husband. I have not told anyone except chatted to our ex marriage counselor who told me privately about BPD. I would like to tell my parents as even though they are far away they are our most significant support system.

its hard to say.

generally speaking, sunlight can be a good disinfectant. theres a fine line between getting support, and having loved ones intervene on your behalf - the latter can escalate things, and make things much harder to resolve. its understandable that your parents might feel the need to step in.

you need as much support as you can get. we just need to be careful about what type of support we receive, and from whom.

you might consider taking it slowly. perhaps telling them that youre struggling and having a hard time, feeling depressed and isolated, without being too specific.

what do you think? how do you think your parents would likely react? have they intervened before?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
blue_watermelon

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« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2019, 09:44:51 AM »

Hi Once Removed,

Thanks for your thoughts and questions.
In terms of dealing with the significant conflict, for most of our marriage, I had no idea about the cause of husband's behavior and it produced a lot of fear and anxiety. Mostly I tried to defend myself, watch him spiral into anger, after which I internalized my pain, but there were times I blew up and got angry. The times I got angry my husband would then use to justify his depiction of me as a hateful wife and mother. There were times when I was seriously depressed and feeling completely hopeless about the future.

Now I'm in a new stage where I have a lot more insight as to the cause of husband's behavior. This has lessened my anxiety and I am trying to practice JADE although it can be difficult to do. I have a lot to think through right now concerning limits/boundaries. This is going to be the biggest hurdle for me I think. Husband finds my boundaries extremely threatening, but without them, I find myself wrapped up in his disastrous crises in a way that leads me to a place of depression, lack of sleep, moral shame, anxiety and fear of my husband.

Regarding my parents I think giving them some knowledge about the best way to act when husband is triggered would be wise, even if I do not reveal the BPD. At times they have intervened in unhelpful ways, trying to reason with my husband or suggest he get psychiatric help. These actions result in disaster and I need a way to tell my folks not to pursue this understandable line of approach.
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« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2019, 11:47:14 PM »

Excerpt
These actions result in disaster and I need a way to tell my folks not to pursue this understandable line of approach.

i think telling your folks, and the rest of your support system, what you need, and what you dont need, is a great idea. you cant always count on them to deliver in an exactly ideal way. family and friends are going to tend to take your side of things.

it sounds like your husband is pretty aggressive. changing that dynamic will be a hard balance. you dont want to be a door mat. but you dont want to fight fire with fire.

Excerpt
We've been married for less than two years, had a baby and lived in three continents in that time.


thats a lot of change. have you noticed his stability wax or wane as a result of it?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
blue_watermelon

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Posts: 35


« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2019, 10:26:39 PM »

Hi Once Removed,

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you make a great point. Even if we tell family and friends, they will sometimes not act in the most helpful way. If I struggle to act in the most helpful way and I am the one who loves my husband the most, my family will also struggle. When the time is right, I will probably share some ideas with my parents about how to best act around my husband when he is upset, but will not go much beyond that.

Yes, we've been through so much change in the past two years, and likely to go through more in the next year as well. It is difficult to track exactly what has caused stability to wax and wane, but I believe the biggest triggers have been 1. his professional life and 2. my love of my parents and siblings.
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