What mild or functional BPD looks like

[Forgiveness]

I've spent a lot of time reading through these boards, and there are some extreme cases. But BPD exists on a spectrum and I think there are many people who are undiagnosed and just going through life suffering but functioning. They never hit rock bottom or get real help.

With these people it's hard to say they have a "mental illness" but you know something is off.

I just broke up with my girlfriend. I can't say she had BPD because I'm not a professional, but she had many traits. She smoked pot every weekday evening and during the day on weekends. But this didn't ruin her life, and she wasn't a drinker. She drove like a maniac and she was an impulsive spender, but neither of these things ruined her life; they just made her life hard. She told me early on she had huge abandonment issues, but I didn't really see them. Yes she called me 5 times a day but honestly I didn't mind. She didn't suspect me of cheating and she didn't seem jealous of my friends.

She wasn't violent but she was a yeller. Her anger was intense, sudden, and completely out of the blue. She threatened to break up with me almost once a week. One time she did hit my dog. She was terribly insecure. But she was a functional self employed person-- mostly. She had a few altercations with colleagues but mostly she was respected in her profession. With her friends, she was thoughtful, kind, and loyal.

She was never suicidal or self-harming. But she did something that was almost like self-harming: she picked at her skin. If she had a blemish she couldn't leave it alone. If she had a bugbite she scratched it bloody. She eventually developed eczema and scratched that too. She chewed her nails to the quick. She had severe anxiety.

But because she was highly functional and genuinely kind (when she wasn't triggered) it was easy to overlook the symptoms for a while.

I just wanted to write this all out, partly for myself, and partly because it might help someone who comes here. BPD does not always involve ambulances and police. But no one wants to be yelled at or criticized constantly.  Even a person with mild BPD traits is really, really hard to be with.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, people with mild BPD traits can certainly be hard to live with. My current husband is a good example. He’s financially responsible, faithful, non violent, and doesn’t abuse drugs—alcohol, though is another story.

All these factors are different from my first husband who did them in spades, with the exception of alcohol.

So I didn’t catch the BPDness off the bat. It took me a while to notice and it took him some time to let the mask slip. Once it did, and I reacted in an unhelpful way by confronting him, arguing with him, JADEing, and becoming upset myself, those BPD traits began to bloom into full on crazy. I was totally shocked, and distraught.

Being here, and doing individual counseling (after my T had seen the two of us and let me know that he has a personality disorder), it took me a long time to let go of the anger and negativity I felt for seemingly being duped into another BPD marriage.

Finally I was done being angry, though I still get irritated at times. And I became strategic and began to learn how I could manage my own reactions and not make things worse.

Over time, things have gotten a lot better and most of the time our interactions are pleasant. He still gets moody and overcome with negativity which is frankly unpleasant to be around. But all in all, my life is really good and I feel blessed.

That said, it’s not like being in a relationship with an emotionally healthy partner. I really don’t have much experience on that front, but I do have friends who are emotionally healthy and I can imagine how much easier it is to navigate life’s challenges when you don’t have a partner with emotional deficiencies.

Relationships and marriage are commitments and I believe it’s best to really get to know someone before making long term promises to them. Chances are that what you see in the beginning is often them at their best. If you aren’t comfortable with that, imagining that you can change them for the better is a fool’s errand. There may be other potential partners who might better fit with you.

[formflier]

Yes, people with mild BPD traits can certainly be hard to live with. My current husband is a good example. 

You will also see this described as "high" or "low" functioning.  My wife is certainly "high functioning" and I've learned (through lots of T) how to "not engage" in BPDish stuff when it comes up.

The combination has resulted in a much more satisfying relationship.

Best,

FF

[Red5]

Forgiveness,

You may find this article interesting,

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

Red5

[Forgiveness]

Thanks Red. I realize I posted in the wrong forum because I broke up with her a week ago. Sorry about that.  There's great information in that link for people who want to stay connected to their person, but the part about dealing with a Queen by "being impeccable" made me pause...

I don't want to be impeccable. One regret I have is I thought I was as cool as the Dalai Lama. I thought I had great skills because I could disengage and handle her calmly. Then I realized, I do have a calm nature and that's great, however I am still not getting my needs met. I don't want to be the Dalai Lama. I want to be a regular human. I want to know that I don't need to edit my words and my partner won't blow up at me randomly.

So I left. I did it in the most respectful, calm, and buddha-like way as I could. I validated her feelings and stuck to my boundaries. I should have done it sooner and I should have worried less about doing it properly.

[once removed]

most of the loved ones on this site are undiagnosed and below the threshold for a clinical diagnosis. they have traits, but wouldnt qualify as having a personality disorder.

its usually a state of severe crisis that leads to a diagnosis of a personality disorder. a suicide attempt. an eating disorder that leads to being hospitalized. a combination of a personality disorder and substance abuse that does the same. that sort of thing. a personality disorder generally requires a certain level of dysfunction in life. not just being a bad or difficult person.

but it really doesnt take more than a splash of bpd traits to make for a very difficult or bad person, who wreaks a great deal of havoc in relationships.

Spectrum of Severity  It is important to know that personality disorders are spectrum disorders, meaning that there is a broad range or spectrum of severity.

    High Functioning  At the less severe end of the spectrum, where many of our family members would be classified, the severity might be better described as personality style or traits of BPD or NPD. Surely you know someone that is pretty narcissistic, but not dysfunctional or mentally ill .

    Low Functioning  At the more severe end of the spectrum are people in crisis, some suicidal, some unable to hold employment, some estranged from their families, addiction problems, etc.

How much conflict we experience is not necessarily a measure of the severity of the disorder or an indication of the challenges to recover. A person with only a few traits can be very hurtful or destructive in relationships. At the same time, a person with a severe disorder can be less so; more internally focused or avoidant.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

in other words, you can have someone with a full blown personality disorder thats easier to get along with  

my own ex, looking back now, id put at about a four on the spectrum. no cutting, no history of suicide attempts, no eating disorder, and while she can be impulsive, not the kind of life ruling/endangering impulsive thats a real hallmark of the disorder.

shes a very difficult person who struggles in relationships, and also in life. i suspect that she always will.

what does all of that entail for us?

if youre in a relationship with someone with bpd traits, the knowledge of bpd is an extremely valuable, i would argue even vital tool. dealing with a person who regularly emotionally dysregulates is a big hardship. dealing with a person who sees the world in a black and white way, with whom youre either the greatest or worst person in the world, is confusing and challenging. dealing with a highly sensitive person, with a higher than average fear of abandonment, and low self esteem is challenging. dealing with any of the traits, whether they be impulsivity, cutting, an eating disorder, or some of the more extreme behaviors people with bpd traits exhibit in times of stress, is a nightmare.

it means we will struggle in our relationships, a little, a lot, or a huge amount. and some of us dont cope with it in the healthiest ways. sometimes coping means leaning a little too hard on a label that serves us better when we use it constructively.

But no one wants to be yelled at or criticized constantly.  Even a person with mild BPD traits is really, really hard to be with.

it is. its a choice, and the choice not to be involved is just as valid. either way, it should be an informed choice.

I should have worried less about doing it properly.

how you broke up and how you cope will matter to you even years down the road long after the pain is gone. i promise you.

[Notwendy]

In my own experience, I think I see two ends of the spectrum.

My mother is low functioning, severe BPD, and hard to get along with. However, even she, at times, can pull it together and appear high functioning. It's an act though, as she is not but it can be confusing. How is it that someone can appear intact and then not be the next minute.

This is different from other mental illness. I know someone who was tragically affected by schitzophrenia. She will talk about things that are so outrageous - you know she isn't speaking about reality. But my mother is able to make her feelings about things sound real, when they are not.

I married a man who is so different from my mother, I didn't think there would be any connection. High functioning person, competent in his field of work, excellent student growing up. By contrast, there are days my mother doesn't even get dressed, needs people to help her with basic tasks. Yet, somehow between the two of us, we had issues that were similar in pattern to the dynamics between my parents. How could this person be so amazing to the outside world- his job, acquaintances while we can not even have a simple conversation without it breaking down? We had circular arguments that were not resolved, conversations that escalated.

It took a while to put the pieces together. Our childhoods influence who we attract and are attracted to. It would make sense that I would have learned some behaviors from my parents. I had a lot of co-dependent traits. How would this have matched my H's traits?

I agree that we aren't in a place to diagnose, but if the patterns between two people seem to fit, then the information about the disorder can be helpful- whether or not there is a complete fit. But much of this also involves looking at ourselves. My own co-dependent behaviors play a role in the dysfunction too, and reducing them helped the situation. This was less about deciding what was going on with my H and more about working on me

Sometimes self work can lead to a better relationship, or it can lead to deciding to not continue it- as each person can choose what is best for them.  One thing I did read was that if we leave a dysfunctional relationship without doing personal work on our part in it- we may end up in a relationship with similar patterns. It takes two.  So my wish for you, Forgiveness, is to do this self work- so you are better able to be a partner in an emotionally more healthy relationship, and less likely to stay involved with someone who you don't feel treats you kindly. You are worth it!

[Forgiveness]

Once removed, I agree with everything you said.

Not Wendy-- YES. One confusing thing about high functioning BPD is that my friends saw my new girlfriend as really fun and interesting, and they thought we were a good couple. I trusted them instead of my instinct, because they did not see what I saw until the end and then they were shocked. She is much nicer to friends than she was to me. And we did have fun and passion which showed to the outside world. This made it hard to get validation about what I experienced.

Before my BPD girlfriend I was in a very healthy, respectful relationship with my wife for 17 years. She was the most level-headed, calm, diplomatic, and even-keeled person I'd ever met. So I do know what that feels like. She died suddenly of a fast aggressive cancer 3 years ago. A year and a half later, I thought I was ready for a girlfriend, but clearly I was still vulnerable.

I do have something to work on: I need to be comfortable being alone. After my wife died I was so terribly lonely and my new BPD girlfriend filled up space.  Had I not been recently widowed I probably still would have dated her, but I would have left very quickly.

There are some FOO issues. Before my wife I was in 3 relationships with angry, controlling people. Clearly, that's a pattern. However, these lasted only a few months each. I broke up with each person pretty quickly and didn't think I was in love with any of them. My therapist says, yes as a young person you were attracted to a certain intensity that resembled your FOO but you have good boundaries so you didn't stay there after an initial attraction.

This time was different. I was deep in grief. Now that it's been over 3 years since my wife passed, am I still vulnerable? I think I'm in a stronger place. I think I'm more comfortable being alone. But I still do miss my wife terribly and I miss how secure and calm I felt with her. She was my rock.

Right now in therapy I am working on PTSD from the sudden death, and on loneliness.

One puzzling thing about my GF is that she was really, really, good at consoling my grief in the beginning. She used to just hold me tightly for an hour while I cried about my wife. She would say, there's more where that came from. Cry all you want. I thought I'd found the most empathetic person and to this day I think her empathy was sincere. I was so impressed that she had no jealousy about my late wife and that she encouraged me to talk about her.  So when her yelling and strange accusations started to come out, I had a lot of forgiveness.

[Cat Familiar]

Grief can disable some of our intellectual clarity, as you have discovered, Forgiveness. 

I got together with my current husband in the last year of my mother’s life, as her dementia and heart issues were accelerating. I really don’t have any other family left, other than distant relatives I only met as a young child and I wouldn’t even know how to contact them. So perhaps I was needing someone to fill that gap.

Regarding functionality of our BPD partners and traits vs. diagnosis of personality disorders, perhaps my experience is an outlier. My first husband was BPD on steroids, along with a variety of other PDs. It would be hard to miss if one was even slightly knowledgeable about PDs.

My current husband is very well put together in public and even in private, only displays traits, unless as I had previously mentioned I make things worse, which I no longer do. So it came as a surprise when my Psychologist, who saw us both for marriage counseling for over a year, then saw me individually, confided to me that he has a personality disorder.

Though she was reluctant to put a label on it, she leaned more to NPD, because that’s what she noticed in our sessions. It’s like he saved the BPD stuff more for at home. It makes sense because he is very cognizant of his public image. As an attorney, being a narcissist isn’t a negative. However being a vulnerable BPD in his professional life would be like jumping into a school of piranhas, and he would never show that impotent side in public.

[Forgiveness]

As an attorney, being a narcissist isn’t a negative.

THIS. I have been watching a lot of youtube videos by Dr Ramani who addresses narcissism. She points out that our entire culture rewards narcissistic behavior.  If you are a narcissist you can succeed as an attorney, CEO, or politician. We actually look up to them for their "confidence." I wish we would instead reward empathy, emotional regulation, responsibility and accountability for one's actions.

[formflier]

I too am a fan of Dr Ramani videos.

I think the nuance missing is that successful lawyers, CEOs and such have the ability to be "narcissistic" as a strategy, yet also have the EQ to see when it's working and when it's not.

I'm pretty high in agreeableness and "kindness".  One of the most frustrating things for me in the Navy was that "hammering people" produced a well running organization and "being kind" (forgiving mistakes and giving "extra chances") usually "bit me in the azz".

I struggle to think of examples where "giving grace" or "being kind" created an organizational improvement.  Yet I can go on with example after example of hammering people, resulting in everyone else sitting up and taking notice that "fools aren't going to be suffered" and the Skipper is "demanding high standards" from us.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps “hammering” works better in large organizations, while compassion works better in small companies. IDK

My business employed three or four people at a time. I tend to be a give people slack type of employer—which is partly why I chose to close my business. It all depended upon the individual.

Some people were fabulous employees, responsible and willing to go the extra mile. Others were out to take advantage. I had employees who stole from me and/or took drugs while on the job.

I evolved the business so that I had a large corporation manufacture my product. There were less issues with that approach, though over time, my profit margin grew smaller. I realized the only way forward was to grow the business, and then I had new issues to worry about, such as liability and lawsuits. In the end, the quality of my life suffered and I realized that the trade of money for time was not worthwhile to me.

[formflier]

Yes. 

In a small business you can have "personal relationships" with your staff or certainly much more "intimate"

Best,

FF

[TRB]

This is very validating for me to read.  I have used the term "high-functioning BPD" about my partner when speaking to my therapist, but I didn't know that anyone else used that term.  It captures my partner very well.

I have read every book about BPD and my partner has 9 out of 10 traits on every checklist I've ever read -- but not all of them are as severe as people with "full-blown" BPD and she is very well-accomplished in her career and is able to generally keep her life together, which I understand is often not true for people with diagnosable BPD.  She does not have trouble getting out of bed in the morning or engaging in basic self care, doing her job, etc.  In fact she is very successful.  But when I first starting reading about BPD (in an effort to make some sense of the craziness I was experiencing in my relationship) I was blown away by how accurately BPD describes my partner.

The fact that she is "high-functioning" has made it very confusing for me, because of how normal and competent she can be when she is not triggered.  However, when she is triggered, her BPD traits are as strong as any that I've heard described, and the triggers can be extremely minor.  White turns to black and vice versa within less than a minute, sometimes faster than that.  And her "painted black" attitude towards me lingers for "a period lasting from a few hours to a few days," just like the DSM says.  And then it fades and she goes back to "normal" without any explanation, and usually without any acknowledgement that she had been acting like I was the devil during the period when she painted me black.  Once she became enraged and ended our 20+ year relationship over a minor upset, left the house for 3+ days without contact, then returned and immediately started acting as if nothing had happened.

I don't think any of her friends suspect anything, except that they are aware that she has a "quick temper."  But I believe that this is because it is only within her most intimate relationship (with me) that the fear of abandonment and other highly-arousing triggers arise. However, when we were in couples therapy, after a while she began to exhibit BPD behaviors in our couples therapy sessions, which was very validating for me, since it was the first time that anyone else ever witnessed my partner's BPD behaviors in my presence and could validate my experience.  Our couples therapist said things to me like, "I'm glad I got to witness this.  Now I think I have gotten a small taste of what you are going through in this relationship."  Before that it was very difficult for me to hold onto my own perception of reality and not think that there was something wrong about how I perceived my partner.

In my experience, having a high-functioning BPD partner can be very difficult precisely because they look so "normal" and other people may not suspect anything, so it can be hard for other people to believe you when you talk about what you are experiencing in the relationship.  I do not envy people who have diagnosed BPD spouses, but I do wonder whether there is something easier about having a spouse who is more obviously BPD to the outside world?  So that when you look for people to talk to about your experience, they are more likely to believe you.  Those of us with "high-functioning" BPD partners can feel very alone because of how different our partners behave with us in private compared to how they behave at work, with casual friends, etc.

[Forgiveness]

Exactly. The most confusing thing was how my friends and her friends saw her. They really liked her and they liked seeing us together, because we were so fun when we were out in public. In fact I looked forward to going out in public with her because I knew she'd treat me well when other people were around, especially her work colleagues!  She was fun and engaging and never treated other people the way she treated me. It was super confusing to me because I knew in my heart I should not put up with her threats, yelling, and withdrawing, but nobody else really saw it until the end where she started to slip up around my friends, a little.

Before that it was very difficult for me to hold onto my own perception of reality and not think that there was something wrong about how I perceived my partner.

[TRB]

In fact I looked forward to going out in public with her because I knew she'd treat me well when other people were around, especially her work colleagues!

Exactly!  Being out with my partner and other people is like being in a different universe.

[mstnghu]

This is very validating for me to read.  I have used the term "high-functioning BPD" about my partner when speaking to my therapist, but I didn't know that anyone else used that term.  It captures my partner very well.

I have read every book about BPD and my partner has 9 out of 10 traits on every checklist I've ever read -- but not all of them are as severe as people with "full-blown" BPD and she is very well-accomplished in her career and is able to generally keep her life together, which I understand is often not true for people with diagnosable BPD.  She does not have trouble getting out of bed in the morning or engaging in basic self care, doing her job, etc.  In fact she is very successful.  But when I first starting reading about BPD (in an effort to make some sense of the craziness I was experiencing in my relationship) I was blown away by how accurately BPD describes my partner.

The fact that she is "high-functioning" has made it very confusing for me, because of how normal and competent she can be when she is not triggered.  However, when she is triggered, her BPD traits are as strong as any that I've heard described, and the triggers can be extremely minor.  White turns to black and vice versa within less than a minute, sometimes faster than that.  And her "painted black" attitude towards me lingers for "a period lasting from a few hours to a few days," just like the DSM says.  And then it fades and she goes back to "normal" without any explanation, and usually without any acknowledgement that she had been acting like I was the devil during the period when she painted me black.  Once she became enraged and ended our 20+ year relationship over a minor upset, left the house for 3+ days without contact, then returned and immediately started acting as if nothing had happened.

I don't think any of her friends suspect anything, except that they are aware that she has a "quick temper."  But I believe that this is because it is only within her most intimate relationship (with me) that the fear of abandonment and other highly-arousing triggers arise. However, when we were in couples therapy, after a while she began to exhibit BPD behaviors in our couples therapy sessions, which was very validating for me, since it was the first time that anyone else ever witnessed my partner's BPD behaviors in my presence and could validate my experience.  Our couples therapist said things to me like, "I'm glad I got to witness this.  Now I think I have gotten a small taste of what you are going through in this relationship."  Before that it was very difficult for me to hold onto my own perception of reality and not think that there was something wrong about how I perceived my partner.

In my experience, having a high-functioning BPD partner can be very difficult precisely because they look so "normal" and other people may not suspect anything, so it can be hard for other people to believe you when you talk about what you are experiencing in the relationship.  I do not envy people who have diagnosed BPD spouses, but I do wonder whether there is something easier about having a spouse who is more obviously BPD to the outside world?  So that when you look for people to talk to about your experience, they are more likely to believe you.  Those of us with "high-functioning" BPD partners can feel very alone because of how different our partners behave with us in private compared to how they behave at work, with casual friends, etc.

I could've written this almost word for word myself. My wife is undiagnosed and I highly suspect of having "high-functioning" BPD. It's made me feel crazy multiple times because she's so capable of coming across as completely normal when she's not triggered.  My wife is also very good at gaslighting me which just exasperates my feelings even more.

 I can actually remember the very first time I ever saw her come unglued back when we had only been dating for a few months. At the time I was completely taken by surprise and was not emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with that kind of behavior because I didn't know anybody who acted that way. I won't get into the details here but basically she completely lost control over her emotions about something completely petty and insignificant. I should've walked away then but I was naive at the time and assumed it was something we could work through and that she'd eventually change her behavior. Over 10 years later, she hasn't.

I've told many people that if they could be a fly on the wall in our house, they'd see a completely different version of my wife that they don't see in public or on social media. Fortunately, every single one of my close friends and family at one time or another has seen her dysregulate. She's also painted most of them black many times. Almost 10 years ago, I was in one of many situations with her where I was completely at my wit's end so I called my brother for some emotional support. We went out to dinner and I pretty much unloaded on him just how difficult she was to be married to and that I pretty much thought she was crazy (I didn't even know anything about BPD at the time). My brother's response totally surprised me though. He said "Ya, we all know she's crazy". I had no idea!

[mstnghu]

Exactly!  Being out with my partner and other people is like being in a different universe.

My anxiety level goes up quite a bit when I have to be alone with my wife. I much prefer having other people around us because she behaves. I don't walk on eggshells as much because I know she'd be too embarrassed for people to see the "other side" of her. She cares too much about peoples' public perception of her.

[TRB]

I won't get into the details here but basically she completely lost control over her emotions about something completely petty and insignificant. I should've walked away then but I was naive at the time and assumed it was something we could work through and that she'd eventually change her behavior. Over 10 years later, she hasn't.

I have had the same experience -- actually 20+ years for me.  In the last few years a big part of what I have been working on is the question, "what is it in me that keeps me here despite all of the signs that the fundamentals aren't changing?"  In my case the basic answer is that I grew up in a household with very similar dynamics (my mother has some BPD traits and my father never did anything except cave in to them constantly) so I both learned that this is "normal" and I never came to learn that leaving was an acceptable option.  There is still something about leaving that would feel highly "disloyal" to me.  I am working on that in therapy and otherwise.  I recently came across the concept of "insane loyalty" (from Patrick Carnes, author of "The Betrayal Bond") and it definitely applies to me.  Of course it is admirable to stay with someone through hard times, but what I have been experiencing is that there has been no progress through the hard times.

Has your partner shown any self-awareness of her behavior?  Any real motivation to work on changing?  In my own relationship, my upwBPD has shown glimmers of that self-awareness and motivation from time to time.  It is part of what has kept me in the relationship, along with the "high-functioning" aspect which leads me to easily forget the depths of the bad times.  Unfortunately, in my case the self-awareness and desire to change has always faded.  It does not last.  That is why I am now "leaning out" of the relationship.  But I understand from others that people with BPD can improve significantly over time if they take full responsibility for who they are and commit themselves to the very extensive work that is required to change their beliefs, attitudes, and behavior.

I wish you the best and am sending you my support.  The high-functioning situation is a very tough one to be in.  If I leave this relationship, part of what I am preparing for is the disbelief I am sure I will face from other people.  I have already been dealing with it as I have become more open with safe friends and family about my experience.

[Teno]

Exactly!  Being out with my partner and other people is like being in a different universe.

I find that with only some extended family members.

[mstnghu]

Has your partner shown any self-awareness of her behavior?  Any real motivation to work on changing?  In my own relationship, my upwBPD has shown glimmers of that self-awareness and motivation from time to time.  It is part of what has kept me in the relationship, along with the "high-functioning" aspect which leads me to easily forget the depths of the bad times.  Unfortunately, in my case the self-awareness and desire to change has always faded.  It does not last.  That is why I am now "leaning out" of the relationship.  But I understand from others that people with BPD can improve significantly over time if they take full responsibility for who they are and commit themselves to the very extensive work that is required to change their beliefs, attitudes, and behavior.

I can only think of a couple of specific times where I did think I saw a slight glimmer of hope that my wife had some sort of awareness of her behavior. They're always short lived though...as in the awareness is gone within hours or minutes and she's right back to normal.

This is actually one of my biggest frustrations in dealing with her. I feel like I'm somebody who has good communication skills for the most part. I've communicated with her clearly MANY times over the years to try to get her to understand what behaviors of hers are creating huge problems in our relationship. I've gone as far as asking her what she sees when she looks in the mirror. I've told her that I'm able to see my own flaws and character defects and I try to better myself daily. She literally can look herself straight in the eyes and not see any of the horrible behaviors I witness on an almost daily basis. I can point out to her immediately after she's done something to hurt or upset me and it always seems like she's completely incapable of recognizing what she's done. She even passionately denies things that she says and does to me right after it's happened!  I don't even think she's lying anymore. I think she truly believes her own reality that she lives in her head.

So basically the answer to your question is "no". She severely lacks self-awareness when it comes to many behaviors of hers that I find to be really awful. She's also very good at projecting her personality flaws onto me and gaslighting me as well. These days when I'm upset about something she's done and am just ignoring her for extended periods, she will usually try to "apologize".  I usually tell her I can't really accept her apology because I don't believe it to be sincere or I don't think she really even grasps why I'm upset.  This causes her to immediately come unglued with me and just proves to me that my assessment of her "apology" was correct.

[TRB]

These days when I'm upset about something she's done and am just ignoring her for extended periods, she will usually try to "apologize".  I usually tell her I can't really accept her apology because I don't believe it to be sincere or I don't think she really even grasps why I'm upset.  This causes her to immediately come unglued with me and just proves to me that my assessment of her "apology" was correct.

It's interesting that you mention apologizing, because coincidentally I recently had this experience with my upwBPD.  She had erupted at me in anger about something trivial.  In the midst of it I had the awareness to tell her how I was feeling and she stormed off without saying a word.

We have actually agreed to a fixed time every week when either of us can talk about problems we are having in the relationship (this alone is huge progress).  I mentioned this incident from the previous week and said I would appreciate an apology from her.  I was extremely calm and was careful to not have a demanding tone, I was very matter of fact and quiet.  She was silent in response.  I said, "Do you know why I would like an apology about that situation?," again saying this in a very calm tone.  She said "No."  I asked, "Would you be open to hearing from me about what I would appreciate an apology about?"  She said "Yes."  So (again extremely calmly and matter-of-factly) I explained why it hurt when she got very angry and stormed away in silence.

She expressed what seemed to be sincere interest in understanding this.  It was like it had never occurred to her that her angry outbursts, stonewalling, and storming off (or hanging up the phone in mid-conversation, slamming doors, throwing things, etc.) -- and then not apologizing afterwards -- might have an emotional impact on me.  I believe this was honestly a revelation to her, even though I have raised it many times over many years, and even though she has shown glimmers of recognition in the past.  I was then able to lead her through part of a short apology, and I thanked her profusely for it.  I say "part of" because she didn't have any idea how she might act differently in the future.  I did give her a suggestion about this but thought I didn't want to push this amazing interaction any further at that point!

One insight that she did share with me is that when she got angry in the interaction a week ago "my anger is so overwhelming that I need to get away so that I don't do or say something that I'll regret."  She has told me this before, but often it seems like she does not even have this level of awareness.  She said she needed to run away or she was afraid she would start cursing at me, insulting me, etc., and that she didn't want to do this. So she does seem to have gained some level of awareness of her reactive pattern and have a desire to change it, but has not been able to change it, so she feels it is better to flee the situation as quickly as possible to avoid her anger erupting even further.

So on one hand, it felt really good to get what felt like a sincere apology in the moment, even though I had to walk her through it, and even though she did not know how she might act differently in the future.  But it was so much better than many previous attempts, where I have raised a way in which her anger has hurt me and she has responded with more anger, denials, insults, etc.

I don't really know whether this will stick.  Similarly things have happened a few times in the past and, as I said, her insight and ability to change seems to only last a short time and then fade.  We have been together 20+ years, so if this is the pace of change it is not very encouraging when I step back and look at the big picture.

I do have to think that I played some role in the "success" of the apology, by remaining EXTREMELY calm, speaking to her almost in a whisper, without displaying any body language or tone that might appear accusatory to her, and doing my best to stick to how I felt in the situation without implying that she is bad in any way.  I also spoke very slowly with a lot of pauses.  I have done this before and sometimes she has still exploded, so I realize that no matter how "skilled" I am in speaking to her, in the end I can't control her reaction.  But I do feel proud of myself for working so hard to control my own reactivity.  There is a part of me that feels resentful about having to go to such an extreme to not display the slightest sign of anything that might appear to be anger, irritation, or judgment, in my words and tone and body language, especially when my upwBPD is so lacking in that skill and she insists that I be responsive to her even when she rages at me out of control, but I am trying to simultaneously stay focused on the ways in which I have contributed to better interactions between us even if the relationship as a whole is still feeling like there is a double standard when it comes to how it is "acceptable" for each of us to express our feelings.

And I realize that you might try doing everything that I did without getting the same results, so I am offering all of this without judgment.  For all I know, I might do everything "right" the next time with my upwBPD and not get the same results when it comes to apologizing or something else.  This realization is very humbling.  I am trying to detach from outcome.

[Cat Familiar]

That was awesome TRB 

The more you can do this, the more "reference experiences" you'll build in her memory. And more likely things will "stick".