Separated from BPD spouse for two months, she is asking for one more change.

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I have been married for 3 years to my wife who suffers from BPD.    First week of marriage, after I was talking to my mom on the phone , I knew I was in hell and had made a giant mistake marrying this woman.  She started saying me and mom planned to bring her over as a maid to wash dishes and that argument lasted until 3am where she started ripping her hair out and hitting herself, screaming I hate mother in laws.   I thought it was me, I was to blame, and more fights continued on and I took the blame and went into severe depression.   I ended up going to see a therapist as my wife said I had mental issues.  My therapist told me that I was not going crazy and that my wife needed therapy.   Two more years passed by where I would continue walking on egg shells , continue cutting off family and friends.  When I finally had enough and started walking out the house, the physical abuse started, she would hit me and when I would threaten to call the cops, she would call me a faggot and tell me I cant take her punches and I'm not a man for calling the cops on my wife.  She would throw things at me and then slam her head into the wall.  I decided enough was enough and said its therapy or divorce.   She told me that she doesn't want to be labeled crazy, put on drugs, and that its my master plan to get her into therapy so I can blame her for everything.  Anyhow fights went back and forth, ultimatums came and went, she finally settled on marriage counseling and didn't want to do individual therapy.  That lasted 5 sessions, before and after each session she fought with me, and that was the end of marriage therapy.  After that I gave my final ultimatum and left the house, she fought non stop and finally after 6 days of hell said she would go and I also made sure I would go the first day and let her therapist know of everything she has done.   So by May she has had 5 sessions, she's getting better, and I feel like there is hope but that disappeared quick and another crazy fight breaks out, she loses herself in her emotions and I snap as well.  I told her I'm divorcing her and its over.  Since then we have been living like roommates.  


In August she goes to see her family for two months after being away for 3 years, we end up away from each other and I asked her for NC during this time.  If we felt like getting back together after she comes back, we both can think about it.  During this time, I realized how horrible my life was, how broken I was, how I felt trapped with her, it felt like I had adopted a crazy child, I acknowledge my codependency and the chaos it caused in the relationship as well.  She came back and seemed really calm and different, said she acknowledges everything and is completely changed.  I tell her I'm not sure as she has promised change in the past, I still want to continue with filing divorce and I leave the house and stay in a hotel.  She argues that she has said this in the past but she did not go to therapy and did not have time to self reflect.  Five days pass with her sending me positive messages and telling me to think about it.  I start feeling like maybe this could work, she sends a message about how we are in control of our emotions and that its upto us to not react, that she was not the cause of my emotional pain, that I was in charge of controlling how I felt.  This set me off, I felt she was totally disregarding her role in the abuse she inflicted on me, she argued that she wasnt but thats how it came across.    I reminded her of all the crazy abusive things she has done and that she's responsible for the hell she's created.  Told her I"m giving her one month in the apt, and leaving with her enough cash for the next 6 months for rent, food and expenses.  She cycled back hard, said she did nothing and she was not responsible for anything, that I'm a horrible pos , I never loved her and wasted her life etc etc.


I feel bad at this point, that she was doing so good, that divorce has been looming on her head since May, that she held it together so well and I pushed her so hard, real change will take time, I was expecting too much.  I go back to the house and tell her I wont file for divorce that lets separate and work on ourselves and see how things go in 3-6 months.  She of course complains that it wont work and we should just get back together and try.  I told her to lets go see her therapist and see what happens as we are both emotionally unstable to make the right decision.  She agrees and her therapist says the same thing, to not jump back in and go to our therapy sessions and also start couples therapy again, give it 3 months, if it works out fine, if not move on with kindness.   We are currently living like roommates, no physical contact of any sort. I do not want to engage with her in any way and she has respected my boundaries.  In my heart I cant forget what she has done, the idea of getting back with her seems like I'm going back in jail, my anxiety shoots through the roof.  The therapist said it was our choice and my wife seems like she's made huge advances in controlling herself.  I dont want to regret it but I remember the 2 months she wasnt here, and I saw myself again in the mirror.   I felt alive again, so what do I do, should I goto couples counseling when I'm not sure I even to get back together in the first place.   I'm waiting for her to get a job at this point, I still would prefer to not live together but she has no money, no job and no family here.  

[anonguy]

So I have been married for 3 years to my wife who suffers from BPD.    First week of marriage, after I was talking to my mom on the phone , I knew I was in hell and had made a giant mistake marrying this woman.  She started saying me and mom planned to bring her over as a maid to wash dishes and that argument lasted until 3am where she started ripping her hair out and hitting herself, screaming I hate mother in laws.   I thought it was me, I was to blame, and more fights continued on and I took the blame and went into severe depression.   I ended up going to see a therapist as my wife said I had mental issues.  My therapist told me that I was not going crazy and that my wife needed therapy.   Two more years passed by where I would continue walking on egg shells , continue cutting off family and friends.  When I finally had enough and started walking out the house, the physical abuse started, she would hit me and when I would threaten to call the cops, she would call me a faggot and tell me I cant take her punches and I'm not a man for calling the cops on my wife.  She would throw things at me and then slam her head into the wall.  I decided enough was enough and said its therapy or divorce.   She told me that she doesn't want to be labeled crazy, put on drugs, and that its my master plan to get her into therapy so I can blame her for everything.  Anyhow fights went back and forth, ultimatums came and went, she finally settled on marriage counseling and didn't want to do individual therapy.  That lasted 5 sessions, before and after each session she fought with me, and that was the end of marriage therapy.  After that I gave my final ultimatum and left the house, she fought non stop and finally after 6 days of hell said she would go and I also made sure I would go the first day and let her therapist know of everything she has done.   So by May she has had 5 sessions, she's getting better, and I feel like there is hope but that disappeared quick and another crazy fight breaks out, she loses herself in her emotions and I snap as well.  I told her I'm divorcing her and its over.  Since then we have been living like roommates.  


In August she goes to see her family for two months after being away for 3 years, we end up away from each other and I asked her for NC during this time.  If we felt like getting back together after she comes back, we both can think about it.  During this time, I realized how horrible my life was, how broken I was, how I felt trapped with her, it felt like I had adopted a crazy child, I acknowledge my codependency and the chaos it caused in the relationship as well.  She came back and seemed really calm and different, said she acknowledges everything and is completely changed.  I tell her I'm not sure as she has promised change in the past, I still want to continue with filing divorce and I leave the house and stay in a hotel.  She argues that she has said this in the past but she did not go to therapy and did not have time to self reflect.  Five days pass with her sending me positive messages and telling me to think about it.  I start feeling like maybe this could work, she sends a message about how we are in control of our emotions and that its upto us to not react, that she was not the cause of my emotional pain, that I was in charge of controlling how I felt.  This set me off, I felt she was totally disregarding her role in the abuse she inflicted on me, she argued that she wasnt but thats how it came across.    I reminded her of all the crazy abusive things she has done and that she's responsible for the hell she's created.  Told her I"m giving her one month in the apt, and leaving with her enough cash for the next 6 months for rent, food and expenses.  She cycled back hard, said she did nothing and she was not responsible for anything, that I'm a horrible pos , I never loved her and wasted her life etc etc.


I feel bad at this point, that she was doing so good, that divorce has been looming on her head since May, that she held it together so well and I pushed her so hard, real change will take time, I was expecting too much.  I go back to the house and tell her I wont file for divorce that lets separate and work on ourselves and see how things go in 3-6 months.  She of course complains that it wont work and we should just get back together and try.  I told her to lets go see her therapist and see what happens as we are both emotionally unstable to make the right decision.  She agrees and her therapist says the same thing, to not jump back in and go to our therapy sessions and also start couples therapy again, give it 3 months, if it works out fine, if not move on with kindness.   We are currently living like roommates, no physical contact of any sort. I do not want to engage with her in any way and she has respected my boundaries.  In my heart I cant forget what she has done, the idea of getting back with her seems like I'm going back in jail, my anxiety shoots through the roof.  The therapist said it was our choice and my wife seems like she's made huge advances in controlling herself.  I dont want to regret it but I remember the 2 months she wasnt here, and I saw myself again in the mirror.   I felt alive again, so what do I do, should I goto couples counseling when I'm not sure I even to get back together in the first place.   I'm waiting for her to get a job at this point, I still would prefer to not live together but she has no money, no job and no family here.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

It's good that you're paying attention to what you feel in your gut.  Things may change, but starting to feel safe after what you've been through will take time.  And you absolutely deserve to feel safe in your life and in your romantic relationship.  The immediate priority is to be physically safe and to work on your emotional strength.  In the current situation, do you feel physically safe?  Are you able to have enough peace that you feel like you're slowly gaining strength, or is the arrangement sapping your energy?

RC

[anonguy]

Thank you RC,

I feel safe, I do not tolerate any type of physical or verbal abuse anymore.  She knows thats a red line, last time I thought of saying lets try again, I felt like throwing up.   She seems so different but I just can't get over the trauma, I can forgive but I cannot forget for now.  I just want to be by myself, and not feel sorry for her.

[Thayan]

Trust takes time to build up. I'm only coming out of my emotional shell after 6 years married to my dBPDw. I am working on it, and have a long way to go in trusting her with intimacy again. I think we're all here on this board trying to work through it, and that is a valuable thing, as I feel like sharing anything like what we share here to anyone else would just get a lot of folks to tell us to run. I have to say I really love the banner on the board that highlights that we shouldn't post "run" messages, as I am really not looking for that type of advice.

[Radcliff]

I'm glad you feel physically safe.  What have you been thinking recently about whether or not to do couples counseling?

RC