She’s Back Again... sort of

[GoodMan]

Hi all maybe you have read my posts.

My 9y relationship with pwBPD has led me to this point.

She took my step daughter and moved out in August.

We work together so I’ve been keeping it very professional and only about work.

I go to see my step daughter’s volleyball games and interact cordially and leave when it’s done I love my step daughter she is the light of my life.

I continue with therapy and working on me and my world and have made leaps and bounds and found out some amazing things about myself that are both good and bad.

She and I have had several interactions where she try’s to direct the narrative. “Why do you choose what texts of mine to respond to?” I answer politely and validate her anger but answer honestly. “It would upset me of someone was picking and choosing what to and not to respond to. But as an adult I set my priority of responses and some small things may get forgotten. I also feel that answering personal questions about us or me needs to be kept to a minimum for right now as I work thought where I stand on us”

Bah.

She hints around to us spending time together and I politely decline or move the conversation along.

Yesterday she sent me a text about us going on a date. I asked her to explain her intention and how she honestly felt. she told me that I was her rock and her love and wants to try and make us work. I asked her what she was doing to work on her lack of trust in me and she told me what I could do. I said I understand that that is what you think I can do but what are you doing?
She mentioned she seeing our therapist. The one I go to alone for therapy. We used to see her as a couple. We talked for a while. In the end she wanted to get together today. I said I would like to stick with the phone calls for now.

She’s following the BPD cycle to the letter. Manically leaving me behind to depressively regretting the choice. Telling me how much she needs and loves me to come back to blaming me for her mistrust as opposed to working on her mistrust and her traumatic past.

Doing the minimum to work on herself and telling me what I can do to make it better for her.

I am on this site and I will be the first to point out the real situation though any members romantic cloud.

This right here is what we do as lovers and caretakers of these people. This is our row to hoe.

What to do next? Who knows.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

What to do next? 

Well, that is the question, isn't it? 
What are your thoughts on the various choices you have for what to do next?

RC

[GoodMan]

Well, that is the question, isn't it? 
What are your thoughts on the various choices you have for what to do next?

No idea.

Right now I’m staying on pause. But she is text book.

She’s undiagnosed BPD. She has a bipolar diagnosis a while back. But “didn’t like the way the meds made her feel.”

If she doesn’t acknowledge her issues we will just be back in the cycle. Back to screaming accusations and breakups.

I deserve better then that.

[Radcliff]

Every situation is different.  We can learn tools here to lessen the cycles.  In some relationships altering our own behavior can turn the tide.  In others, not.

One of the key things we learn is to protect ourselves in ways that are effective but allow space for the relationship.  This typically means going slow when restarting a relationship, and focusing on our own behaviors rather than expectations of the other person's behaviors.  Does that make sense?  Would you like to give things another go if you can do it safely and cut down on drama?

RC

[GoodMan]

I would only give things a go if she acknowledges the deeper issue and like me is doing everything she can to work it out.

I’m 44 there’s only 30 -40 years left if I’m lucky and I don’t want to be in this obvious cycle forever.

[Radcliff]

BPD behaviors can be painful for us.  Direct conversations about the relationship and how our partners can take their part in it often don't go well.  Most of us arrive here to find that our expectations of making our relationship look like a relationship between two "nons" is unrealistic, but we find that there's considerable upside we can get by shifting our relationship strategies.

The cycles are a lot less extreme if we learn not to participate in them.  Holding back and expecting our partners to change is guaranteed to fail.  Our partners sometimes can learn to become more effective in relationships.  We can learn more effective ways to interact with them.  Not living under the same roof with her gives you a huge degree of lattitude to engage with her gradually to see how it goes, and yet still protect yourself.  You can learn to skillfully walk a middle road, between the extremes of being stuck in a bad relationship on the one hand, and on the other hand, fleeing a relationship before giving it the best chance to succeed.  What are your thoughts on this?

RC