Anyone else’s partner with bpd just do odd little things all the time?

[HappySandra]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all contributing to such a great resource, I’m a long time lurker and have really only posted infrequently.

My husband has bpd (in therapy) and his outbursts have reduced. But it’s also just the random little everyday things that drive me crazy! Constantly vague and purposely confused about things. Secretive about stuff that doesn’t need to be kept secret. Eg. my father is overseas and he left his car at our house, so my husband drove it to work today (he always gets the bus as I need the car for work), and not only didn’t mention this to me throughout the day but claims he told me yesterday about this.

It’s just minor little things that sound stupid by themselves but when you add them all up is makes me feel like I’m crazy.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you think he’s vague and secretive about things out of fear of being criticized or perhaps not wanting to be pinned down?

I’ve experienced the same—my husband saying he told me something that he didn’t. I wonder if it was something they were thinking of in their internal dialog and somehow thought they said it out loud, but didn’t.

[formflier]

Do you think he’s vague and secretive about things out of fear of being criticized or perhaps not wanting to be pinned down?

I'm convince this is part of the problem my wife and I have "making agreements".  She is afraid of criticism (and did receive a massive amount growing up), so she words things so that she "has several ways out".

I'm a "precise" guy and this used to drive me bonkers.  It's still bothersome.  I figured out it's more important what I do and say.  I also try to focus more on her results rather than her process.

HappySandra  would you like to talk through some ways to "approach" some of these issues that might improve things?

Best,

FF

[Stillhopeful4]

HappySandra  would you like to talk through some ways to "approach" some of these issues that might improve things?

FF,

If she doesn't I would love to hear some ideas please.

SH4

[formflier]

 Constantly vague and purposely confused about things. Secretive about stuff that doesn’t need to be kept secret. Eg. my father is overseas and he left his car at our house, so my husband drove it to work today (he always gets the bus as I need the car for work), and not only didn’t mention this to me throughout the day but claims he told me yesterday about this.
 

Stillhopeful4,

Figuring out what vague and mysterious answers "mean" is a very frustrating an inexact "science".

So much so that we really have to consider if it's worth it at all, because at the end of the day, we'll likely never really know.

So...I'm usually deliberate about "extreme clarity" about what I don't know, express befuddlement to my partner and let them know that I'm open to listening so they can help me understand.  Also being ready to move on with my life if they choose to remain private. (in other words.."be fine" with them not wanting to expand further on their actions)


I have lots more questions about the "car thing", such as was there an general agreement about how this stored car was or wasn't to be used.

How are conversations and agreements (such as the allegation that she was told the day before) normally memorialized in this relationship or are they strictly left up to memory?

The one thing I will expand on is the "secretive" stuff.  I find it interesting when people use that word instead of saying "private"?

How do these sound?

Jim is a very secretive person.

Jim is a very private person.

There are many other words that can be tried as well.

All that being said.  If you want to start another post with particulars of odd behavior in your own relationship, I'd love to bat them about with you.  Many times just getting another point of view is helpful.

Best,

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

I would LOVE to talk about “secretive” things, taking things from my home, snooping and lying in general.

Here’s an example:  I found a pretty expensive sundress of mine hidden behind a paint can in the garage.  It had a large rust stain on it.  Why?  Just why?  I mean, I was bound to FIND it!    His shoulders went up like a little guilty kid’s when I asked him about it; and I sure as heck knew *I* never used that beautiful dress as a RAG!

He broke a little, inexpensive glass pipe and hid the pieces in the bottom of the bathroom vanity.  Why not simply tell me?  I don’t yell or punish!

I go crazy looking for things and then I realize... OH, he TOOK IT!

This stuff has been going on for over 6 years and continues.  I don’t know how to stop it.

Help!  Should I start my own post?

Gems

[formflier]

OK...now that's weird.  Using a sundress as a rag? 

Did he ever explain the story/issue?

Best,

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

FF-

Nope, he had no explanation at all.  Just sat there on the sofa like a mute little child.  It must have been the softness of the pure cotton fabric that he thought was perfect for something!  I think he said “I don’t know”.  Sheepish look, but he didn’t deny it.

He’s never denied ANYTHING that I’ve caught.

He goes through my private papers, my drawers... my cabinets, everything!  I’m running out of places in my house to hide things.  Two weeks ago I went away for a night and I purposely left my investment statement on TOP of my desk to save him the trouble of rifling through my desk drawer to look for it.  But that didn’t stop him.

And he did way more than that during those 24 hours...

Help?  What does he really WANT to know?

Gems

[ortac77]

Gems -I have had the rifling through my private papers stuff before, to a large extent it has stopped although I do have safe for the really important stuff and ensure I keep the code to that secret!

I think they are sure you are hiding something, that you have this secret life! Sometimes I wish, . I am sure this is some form of projection.

As for using your dress as a rag, pretty weird - did he do it to upset you - it seems he has little respect for your stuff which is saying something.

[AbuNassif]

sorry about your dress ...

Odd little things. Like putting cracked eggs (from making muffins) in bowl that's on the shelf with the clean bowls, and just leaving it there. Once I reached for a bowl and it had an apple core in it, must have been there for days.

She often takes the car out to go for walks in the woods without saying she's going, or for how long. We only have one car.

We unfortunately work together, she's like virus I've let into my business of 20 years. She'll make business meetings on her own, that involve hour long drives, that I don't hear about until I ask where she is by asking for some information on a job I'm currently handling. She start important expensive projects that never finish, which usually only require one last step. Like not answering the accountant's question "are all the revisions final, can I file your taxes?" I have to find those things and push them to finish, or take on that last step.

It goes on and on. And every time I bring any of it up, it gets twisted around, and I end up having to shut up so I don't create a situation. I wish my wife would just sit silently on the couch with a sheepish look, that would make it all charming.