First time here

[mindfulways11]

This is my first time here.  I've been in my relationship for almost a year now.  Its definitely been a rollercoaster.  I've been on the verge of leaving before.  But I understand he's under a lot of stress at the moment.  Recently lost a close family member.  Its been really hard.  Fighting almost everyday.  More critical of me than normal.  Always blaming me.  I'm just tired and trying to seek some advice on how to better improve the communication part.

He's undiagnosed, but fits most of the symptoms.  He has brought up that he needs mood stabilizers, but i feel he is depending on me to be the one to get a good job with insurance so he can marry for that.  Instead of just trying to figure out how to do it himself. 

He's never been physically abusive.  Its more verbal.  Screaming, name calling, mocking, breaking things.  Which he sees as not that bad since its not physical.  He also drinks a lot.  Which isn't helping anything. 

I'm trying to give this a real shot.  The last couple weeks he's been better, but we're still fighting a lot.  I'm trying to get any advice I can as far as how to talk to him better, or how to put up boundaries.  My main problem I find is I'm so tired of walking on egg shells and worrying about what he thinks or is gonna say constantly.  Is there a way to love without them taking all of you too?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello mindfulways and welcome!

You've come to the right place. We're a supportive group here and we have a lot of experience and tools to share. Or, if you just need a virtual ear to listen, we can provide that, too.

Honestly, other than the insurance part, I could've written your post a year ago. My uBPDh (undiagnosed husband) really started dysregulating last year during a time of multiple stresses. I, too, had to deal with the name calling, mocking, screaming, breaking things (which can qualify as physical abuse, by the way -- something I learned here). It's utterly exhausting mentally and physically and I came very close to leaving myself.

We can help you with the communication skills and on ways to help yourself so you're not walking on eggshells -- I was there, too and it's an ongoing struggle to improve there.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions:
1) I know you say he's never been physically abusive, but do you feel safe? Sometimes, these situations with verbal abuse (especially where alcohol is involved) can escalate quickly. I don't say that to scare you. Just want to get a feel for the situation and make sure you're taking necessary precautions.

2) Can you give an example of a recent fight? How it started. Who said what. How you felt. Knowing details can help us figure out what tools and articles and advice will best suit your situation.

Again, welcome and keep posting!