Loving and living with a borderline boyfriend

[Moonlight93]

Hi,

This is my first post, I don’t really know what to expect from it but just want to know I am not alone.

I have read stop walking on eggshells and started the work book in hope to find better coping skills to protect myself and my relationship. Although the information is useful and has been helpful applying it has been challenging.

My boarderline boyfriend is seeing a therapist once a week and is writing his feelings down in a book and working through a dialectical behaviour therapy work book. Recovery says anytime between 1-3 years but when he has an attack into what we call the ‘hulk’ where he sees me as all bad, gets super paranoid and angry it is very difficult to manage and when it’s over leaves us both so exhausted. I find he has good weeks and bad ones depending on what is happening each week and if there are any of his triggers being triggered.

When he is paranoid and accuses me point blank to my face questioning my faithfulness and there is nothing I can do to try and convince him. It makes me feel so pressured to not stumble over my words or show any weakness that could been seen as lying. If I give him an answer he doesn’t like he asks me again, and again. And again! Which is so draining. When he’s also feeling super paranoid he will go through my phone and deny it, follow me to the toilet if we are out and if I am on the toilet too long in our home or not long enough he accuses me of feeling panicked as I left my phone in the other room or if I’ve taken it with me that is also bad and accuses me of messaging someone and deleting it. All these accusations and me having to deny and defend myself is exhausting!

I wake up most morning hoping for not another attack or praying nothing will set him off before work. I just need a break! I am so tired, sick and wanting a vacation off this rollercoaster!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.

Your situation does sound exhausting, I can hear it in your words.  The good news is that things can get better.  We have had a lot of members who have improved their situation and way of responding and communicating with their pwBPD (person with BPD) by learning and using the tools and strategies we have here.  Another thing is to also learn about the behaviors associated with the disorder so I am glad you are reading up on it.  A good book you may want to check out is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - Shari Y. Manning, PhD which I like even more than the eggshells book.   

More immediately, it sounds like you spend a fair amount of time justifying, defending and explaining things when your husband is dysregulated.  It's something many of us do, and it is something that often makes things worse as you have discovered.  It is hard not to do these things especially when the accusations are so 'out there'.  We have an article titled Don't JADE with JADE standing for justify, argue, defend and explain.   When you can, check it out and we can talk about it. 

First though, I hope you settle in with us and begin to jump into other posts.  It is important to build a support network and we can be a part of it.

Again,

[secretgirl]

Hi Moonlight... I had the exact same thing with my ubpdexbf... and I could not tell you how important it is to try NOT to jade (as said above). That was my weakness. My flaw in this r/s.
But then again... mine wasn't in therapy. So that's a POSITIVE for you. See it as a GOOD thing and that you're VERY lucky he's in therapy. Most pwbpd don't see them as being any sort of problem... so that's where it becomes hard because then you're dealing with an undiagnosed person , having to watch their moves/attacks, and change your behavior. BUT in your case.. he is in therapy . so see that as a god's gift and try to be patient and learn some techniques in the meantime to deal with the accusations etc on this board
The therapy is super important and if you love him, support his growth during therapy by trying to be the best partner you can for him. Learn about his illness etc. I cannot stress enough how much you should applaud him for entering therapy ... this doesn't mean you should deal with abuse of any kind. BUT learning ways to cope will help and setting up boundaries. You have yourself a keeper BPD if he keeps himself in therapy.

[2lovingabpd]

I could not agree more! It is a beautiful thing that he is in therapy and willing to get help for this.  You only need to work on your responses and your boundaries it sounds like.  I have so much work to do myself but my biggest issue is trying to help him get the help he needs.  I even told him I would go to DBT therapy with him .. because I honestly think it would help me as well being a codependent.  I find the hardest thing in having boundaries is not letting him get me upset and angry in the process with his manipulative behaviors and twisting blame into me.  It’s absolutely almost impossible to not shut down when he is saying the things he says .. he is a score keeper ... so anytime I bring up something that is hurtful or how I feel when he does this or that, he will get angry, list all the things he’s done for me the last month and then tell me that I am never satisfied.  He feels attacked and It doesn’t matter how I word it or try to say it.  It’s literally exhausting...

[Moonlight93]

Thank you all for replying I cannot tell you how good it feels to not be the only one going through this. I am super happy he is at therapy and recognised there is something up with him. I agree it’s my end that I need help with most on how to not get sucked into arguments and defend. I will buy the book and read it.

The hardest thing I find it putting what walking on eggshells has into practice. When the heat of the moment hits my first fear is of it escalating to physical violence which he has only laid hands on me once but often things around him get broken such as lamps, mirrors and doors slammed.

The other thing I find really hard is hiding his condition from work and friends as when an attack comes he calls my phone 1000s of times and I am not even over exaggerating. When his paranoia sets in and I’m not with him he will keep calling until I answer. What is the best thing to do here? As when I do answer he keeps me on the phone and sometimes I am in meetings with work and can not answer. I am always living in fear where the next trigger will come and how I can handle it