Update on recent events

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I have been increasingly worried about my youngest son recently and this weekend he opened up about the goings on at home.

He is very confused about his moms behaviour and cant understand why she lies and manipulates others. Besides this he said he doesn't know which mom hes getting on any given day and it makes him very anxious. Her drug use is back as is her drinking. I knew she had been getting into states as last I heard about her she was asleep on her moms kitchen floor because she couldn't get upstairs. He is constantly on his own as his mom locks herself away
in her bedroom doing drugs. The boy is very upset and states once again that he did not want to go back there because of how he was treated.

Then he gets onto the bf. He says he is always shouting at him and the arguing between him and his mom has returned. He then goes on to say that the bf exposed himself to my son. He apparently asked my ex permission and she said it was fine, the warning lights are now fully lit and I tell my son he is not going home and I am contacting childrens services. He said he doesn't care and wants to live with me.

I contact CS yesterday and told them what my son had said. They said they plan to liaise with police and I've done the right thing, plus keep my son with me. My ex thought my son was at school and he was growing increasingly anxious that she was going to message him and explode. I decided to take ask him if he wanted me to contact her to let her know what's what, he said yes. I really didn't want to but thought it best. I messaged off his phone stating he had made a disclosure and I had informed CS, that he wished to live with me, that I needed his clothes and access can be arranged once CS have finished their investigation. She demanded to speak with him. I told him it's his choice, he decided to answer the phone. I left him to it and he came back in bits. His mom said she will report my son to police for lying and I am a very bad man. I managed to calm him down, I told him nobody would arrest him and hes done nothing wrong. He was there when I spoke to CS so knows exactly what I said to them, I'm not lying and neither is he.

Today CS called and said they wanted to come see my son, I agreed. I did not tell him what to say but I told him to be truthful. He clammed up when the woman came and I expected him to say very little, he ended up speaking to her for well over an hour on his own. He come got me and the woman asked to speak to me alone. She told me he had told her everything and she wants him to stay with me for the time being if not permanently. He also stated he wishes to live with me. I really expected him to not say anything but I have to report things like that.

I think what hes done there is extremely brave and I think he deserves a lot of credit. My word alone means nothing and I have been branded the bitter ex in the past when the kids haven't spoke up, but this time he has. What a brave boy he is, I wish I could be more like that, I'm very proud of him for fighting back against the dysfunction and honouring himself.

Best case scenario here is CS say the bf is not allowed around my son. This way my ex is less likely to take him from school because she will have nowhere to take him which means he will stay with me. She has PR too and could take him although CS will contact her and the school tomorrow stating my son wants to live with me. They will confront her with these allegations tomorrow and i await her response to these claims i already know are true. She could always leave the rapist and move back to her moms, her mom said she wont have her there again but you never know. This way my son could stop over with her at nans if he chooses. She could always get her own place or heaven forbid, get her crap together, who knows?

What i do know is, my son is in bed right now, nowhere near a sex offender and right now, I'll take that.

LT.

[Longterm]

So I have been increasingly worried about my youngest son recently and this weekend he opened up about the goings on at home.

He is very confused about his moms behaviour and cant understand why she lies and manipulates others. Besides this he said he doesn't know which mom hes getting on any given day and it makes him very anxious. Her drug use is back as is her drinking. I knew she had been getting into states as last I heard about her she was asleep on her moms kitchen floor because she couldn't get upstairs. He is constantly on his own as his mom locks herself away
in her bedroom doing drugs. The boy is very upset and states once again that he did not want to go back there because of how he was treated.

Then he gets onto the bf. He says he is always shouting at him and the arguing between him and his mom has returned. He then goes on to say that the bf exposed himself to my son. He apparently asked my ex permission and she said it was fine, the warning lights are now fully lit and I tell my son he is not going home and I am contacting childrens services. He said he doesn't care and wants to live with me.

I contact CS yesterday and told them what my son had said. They said they plan to liaise with police and I've done the right thing, plus keep my son with me. My ex thought my son was at school and he was growing increasingly anxious that she was going to message him and explode. I decided to take ask him if he wanted me to contact her to let her know what's what, he said yes. I really didn't want to but thought it best. I messaged off his phone stating he had made a disclosure and I had informed CS, that he wished to live with me, that I needed his clothes and access can be arranged once CS have finished their investigation. She demanded to speak with him. I told him it's his choice, he decided to answer the phone. I left him to it and he came back in bits. His mom said she will report my son to police for lying and I am a very bad man. I managed to calm him down, I told him nobody would arrest him and hes done nothing wrong. He was there when I spoke to CS so knows exactly what I said to them, I'm not lying and neither is he.

Today CS called and said they wanted to come see my son, I agreed. I did not tell him what to say but I told him to be truthful. He clammed up when the woman came and I expected him to say very little, he ended up speaking to her for well over an hour on his own. He come got me and the woman asked to speak to me alone. She told me he had told her everything and she wants him to stay with me for the time being if not permanently. He also stated he wishes to live with me. I really expected him to not say anything but I have to report things like that.

I think what hes done there is extremely brave and I think he deserves a lot of credit. My word alone means nothing and I have been branded the bitter ex in the past when the kids haven't spoke up, but this time he has. What a brave boy he is, I wish I could be more like that, I'm very proud of him for fighting back against the dysfunction and honouring himself.

Best case scenario here is CS say the bf is not allowed around my son. This way my ex is less likely to take him from school because she will have nowhere to take him which means he will stay with me. She has PR too and could take him although CS will contact her and the school tomorrow stating my son wants to live with me. They will confront her with these allegations tomorrow and i await her response to these claims i already know are true. She could always leave the rapist and move back to her moms, her mom said she wont have her there again but you never know. This way my son could stop over with her at nans if he chooses. She could always get her own place or heaven forbid, get her crap together, who knows?

What i do know is, my son is in bed right now, nowhere near a sex offender and right now, I'll take that.

LT.

[worriedStepmom]

Kudos to your son for speaking up, and good on you for making the report.

Even if the bf goes away, your son is not safe with his mom if she is so addled on drugs she can't make her way upstairs.

[ForeverDad]

Since you know his mother has been using drugs, surely son knows too, you could ask family court to issue an order requiring her to pass periodic unscheduled drug tests before she is allowed unsupervised visitation.  That is entirely reasonable for you as the adult in the room to set as a boundary.

Her intoxication from drinking may be harder to address since most tests have to be done while the person is still intoxicated.  But you can decline an exchange back to her if she's intoxicated.  Or you can have son call you if she's been drinking to excess and you pick him up, with or without police, until the next exchange.

The point is that you can find adequate solutions by strengthening your position as responsible parent (read: Primary Parent) with updated parenting order from court and proactive boundaries.  If you don't already have primary parent status and majority time, now is the time to seek it, while the issues are current.*  Court may lean in your favor but still be reluctant to grant you full custody.  If that's the case then seek majority time as well as some form of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Sorry, not a time to be timid or think equal status as parents is 'normal' or 'fair'.  Mine won't be the only ideas and strategies.

* Imagine calling the emergency number and saying "Last month..."  You'd be told, "Sorry, that's too old to be actionable.  Call back when the emergency is ongoing."  Similar for custodial or parenting matters.  If an issue arises, such as what just did, usually it is best to take action sooner since a petition made later may be viewed as less urgent for action.  Check with your lawyer on what solutions can be added for a better parenting and custodial order.

[kells76]

Wow... so sad, and yet it's a very good thing your son is with you.

Longterm, you're in the UK, right? May not be a bad idea to start learning about supervised visitation. If the "door" to Mom ever opens again for your son, it may be safest for him to be supervised when they're together. WSM's point about the drugs is a good one. (*edit -- cross posted with FD*)

It sounds like your kids feel safe being open with you. Keep that up 

[Longterm]

Hi WSM.

  Even if the bf goes away, your son is not safe with his mom if she is so addled on drugs she can't make her way upstairs.

I dont think the bf will be tossed aside, she has chose him over the other kids, I dont see that trend changing. I see your point though and agree, he is just a symptom of the bigger problem. At present my son says he does not want to see her but I'm sure that at some point he will, this is why I am thinking ahead.

Hi FD.

  Since you know his mother has been using drugs, surely son knows too, you could ask family court to issue an order requiring her to pass periodic unscheduled drug tests before she is allowed unsupervised visitation.  That is entirely reasonable for you as the adult in the room to set as a boundary.

Yes, he told me about the drugs but it's no surprise. I did speak to CS about this and they said until the investigation has concluded there will be no access so I think it's about waiting right now then coming up with solutions once I know what they allow in terms of access, they can order drugs tests.

Hi Kells76.

  Longterm, you're in the UK, right? May not be a bad idea to start learning about supervised visitation. If the "door" to Mom ever opens again for your son, it may be safest for him to be supervised when they're together. WSM's point about the drugs is a good one.

Yes, UK. CS may want supervised visitation, I simply dont know yet. I am happy for him to go to his nans to see her if he wants, as long as there is no drugs/alcohol and he stays there.

  It sounds like your kids feel safe being open with you. Keep that up

Yes, he said before that he feels like he can talk to me about anything. He said he feels like a huge weight has lifted and that's great. I have Inquired about getting him some counselling too.

LT.

[david]

I would be adamant about supervised visitation from someone the court recognizes. If she shows up drunk/high the person supervising can deny visitation. I have a friend that went through that. She was the grandmom. Her son passed away from a medical complication and the mom had issues. The courts gave the mom multiple chances to straighten out. It took about 3 years but the courts finally took all parental rights away from the mom and it all went to grandmom. The judge told the mom if she ever tried contacting grandmom she would be jailed.

[Longterm]

Well, I am exhausted.

My youngest is still with me. I have not heard a peep from CS, i have requested call backs but so far I've received no feedback. I spoke to the school today and was told that they have not heard anything for a while either, but during last contact the school were told the case is going to be closed? This is typical of CS in the UK and i get increasingly frustrated with them.

Anywho. My son has had contact with his mother. I understand the stance of many here but I also think honouring my morals and what I see as being right is important to. I do not agree with parents denying the other parent contact unless there is a risk to the child involved. My son arranged to go see his mom at his nans. I was fairly happy with this as obviously there would be others present. He was back within 2.5hrs. It was a rant by the sounds of it of how I was a very bad man and his sisters a psycho? Apparently she tried to kill her brother when they were toddlers, news to me. I thought she might want to enjoy her time with him but no, she was also asking him why he had been telling lies? I think his head was a bit all over the place so I just asked him if his experience with me or his sister was as described, I said to try not to worry about it. He is angry at her, he can see the things she does I feel.

He is very anxious when it comes to talking to her (something we all share) and I can see he is very worried of her responses. I have told him there is no pressure and if he does not want to see or speak to her then that's fine. There is this bit of guilt inside of him I feel as he has described how his mom manipulates him. It's like some misguided loyalty to someone who treats him so poorly (deja vu anyone?) And ignores his thoughts, feelings and emotions. She will not give him his clothes, his school uniform, his possessions or his birth certificate (I'll get to that) so I offered to take a bullet and offer to message her for him, he agreed. I was polite as could be, i simply asked her to put his needs first and hand his things over, i offered to pay transport, i also told her that as previously stated to her, myself and CS, my son does not want to be anywhere near her bf. She had told him a few days earlier that she planned to take him swimming saturday then to the bf house. That's why I mentioned that to her. I said swimming sounds really productive but it's a no on the other plans. There is (to my knowledge) an active investigation by CS and police into the bf actions and if I'm honest, I dont want my child near a sex offender. I didn't say that bit to her, I was trying diplomacy. She messages back and says he can have his things when he comes "home", the bf is not a sex offender, I'm brainwashing my son, shes going to court to seek access blah blah blah, i dont respond.

Friday we went clothes shopping, I kitted him out including uniform. This bit is most interesting. I applied for a new birth certificate, they phoned today and told me they have no record of my sons birth? We went over details, they checked all local hospitals? This is very worrying because if I'm not listed on his birth certificate I dont have PR! Has she changed the details? Can she do this without my knowledge? This is very interesting, it's over a decade ago and although I was at all the births was I present when registering his birth? I cant remember. They checked her maiden name and that's not a match either, what is going on there?

Anywho, it was a very busy weekend. I booked us all tickets to the local fireworks display and it was a great night, although we were all knackered. My daughter starts work tomorrow so the bank of dad took a further beating as she needed new clothes to. My son cant start therapy until hes 11 but because he is old enough soon they have put him on the list. I cant register doctors/opticians/dentist without his birth certificate and I cant get any money for him either so will just manage I guess. School is going to see what they can do for him their end, in regards to in school counselling.

Soo, saturday rolls round and it's time to go see his mother...he messages her and she says that swimming is cancelled because shes having a "lazy day". She tells him he can go to the bf house and watch a movie? He tries his hardest bless him, he asks if they can go out and get something to eat, no she replies, you can eat here. He again reiterates that he does not want to go there and adds that she is making him feel stressed and anxious. I could not believe what she said and inside I was boiling. She said, how can you treat me like this? How can you just leave me? You have broke my heart and upset me, your not anxious at all, your just making it up?

You see what she did? She just batted his feelings aside and made it all about her. I'm not having this sht. Call it brainwashing but I told him he has nothing to feel guilty about and the plan was to go swimming, I said she let him down and is the one who should feel guilty. He said I know, she does it all the time, I said what do you mean? He said she manipulates me to get what she wants. I've never seen this before, not with him anyways, I find it disgusting. He said he doesn't want to see her for a while, this may change come the weekend.

He had a party saturday night anyway and had a good time with school friends.

I think this is something that will run its course. She has seen the other son who lives with me once since may, he wanted to check on his brother so asked her to eat at nans on a friday. She cancelled last minute then reorganised for saturday then was 2hrs late. She lacks integrity and he will get fed up of her bs. She will do things with him on her time but let him down when something better comes along. The dynamics have changed, he is no longer golden child, she is angry at him and punishing him for his rebellious behaviour. She even gave him silent treatment after he again reiterated his feelings and stood his ground. She is right, maybe I am brainwashing him, maybe telling him what he wants is important and his thoughts and feelings do matter is wrong.

I am sick of this woman.

Sorry for the rant, just wanted to jot it all down.

LT

[worriedStepmom]

My SD12's mother treats her the same way.  Rants about how awful my H and I (and SD's therapist are).  Broken promises.  Accusations that SD is being brainwashed or otherwise just being hateful to her mom, just because SD says "no, I don't want to hear that".

We blocked SD's mother on SD's phone.  There is no reason a child should have to put up with that abuse. 

We also don't let SD take responsibility for negotiating with mom for exchanging stuff or for making plans.  That is up to the adults - to H in my case and YOU in your son's case.  The kids should be kids and just show up where they are told to show up.

[Longterm]

  WSM.

  "no, I don't want to hear that".

Well, this is the problem isn't it. If your views dont match theirs theres hell to pay with blame and projection, common sense completely missing.

  We also don't let SD take responsibility for negotiating with mom for exchanging stuff or for making plans.  That is up to the adults - to H in my case and YOU in your son's case.  The kids should be kids and just show up where they are told to show up.

This has got me thinking. This woman scares the crap out of me and that's why I avoid contact whenever possible, but... my boy is just 10 and I can see the affect she has on him, it's only been 2 weekends and the situation is far from stable so maybe I could stabilise it? Maybe I could send an email asking what her plans for access are? Get it set in stone then there shouldn't be any problems. Obviously theres going to be problems but I could try right? I dont want him stressed out, he said his anxiety has dropped since living with me but now the anxiety comes from contact with her, I mean how does one fix that? He should not feel like this towards his mom but his siblings and me are all the same. Even making an agreement with her is likely to be broken though, even if an agreement could be reached to begin with.

I dont see the problem if I'm honest. I couldn't wait for weekends to spend time with them, I'm still like it now they live with me. She can have saturday or sunday, she can stop at her moms overnight so she can have him stay with her, she could organise activities, all the good stuff, just respect his wishes.

LT.

LT.

[worriedStepmom]

If she scares you this much, imagine how much she scares that poor boy.  He's 10 - he doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with the crazy and the manipulation.

Is it necessary that she has much access?  If all she is going to do is scream at him and try to make him agree that she's right, then it isn't healthy for him to be around her.

[Harri]

If she scares you this much, imagine how much she scares that poor boy.  He's 10 - he doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with the crazy and the manipulation.

This.  LT, he needs you to take the wheel.  It is too much to put the choices on him. 

Also, if there is an active investigation by CS, he should probably not be seeing her anyway.  No?

[Longterm]

 If she scares you this much, imagine how much she scares that poor boy.  He's 10 - he doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with the crazy and the manipulation.

I know. It's a very difficult situation. When he went back to her on sundays he would sit rocking backwards and forwards sucking his thumb, these for me were the first signs of his anxiety. I always said that she would turn her anger onto him, it was the same with the others. With no other kids there theres nobody else to shout at. I try not to pry but he has pretty much opened the floodgates. He says him and his mom have been arguing a lot because shes shouting at him all the time but is overly nice when shes been drinking. Basically he was in that push/pull dynamic we are all familiar with, he said he doesn't know which mom hes getting at any given time. I've seen what this has done to the others but I also know that being away from her has been good for them.

Is it necessary that she has much access?  If all she is going to do is scream at him and try to make him agree that she's right, then it isn't healthy for him to be around her.  

My boy only wants limited contact with her. He says he is happy as he is right now but would like to see her once a week. He does see the things she does but she does have rights to. She can pick him up from school, no questions asked and refuse me access, CS or police wont do anything. I'm trying to be diplomatic because I know that she will not be consistent with seeing him regularly.
I dont think it is healthy for him to be around her if I'm honest but there is very little I can do if he wants access.

LT.

[Longterm]

  Also, if there is an active investigation by CS, he should probably not be seeing her anyway.  No?

The disclosure he made was not about his mother, CS told me they dont see his mom as being a risk to him. They for some reason dont take into account the emotional abuse although they have said all the kids have been emotionally neglected by her. It is frustrating. I see what your saying, I really do.

LT.

[Harri]

Ugh.  That is so frustrating. 

Can you put a time limit on his visits with mom?  A couple of hours max?  It sounds like you have to walk such a fine line here and I really do not have any knowledge of how all of this works so please forgive my questions if you can. 

Such a tough situation.   

[Longterm]

 
Can you put a time limit on his visits with mom?  A couple of hours max?  It sounds like you have to walk such a fine line here and I really do not have any knowledge of how all of this works so please forgive my questions if you can. 

This is exactly what I was thinking and that's why I said to maybe make contact to get something set in stone. I'm telling you now, she will not stick to it. We are different people and the kids have been my priority, they have not been hers and this will not get better, it will only get worse now my son does not live with her. It is a very fine line yes, very difficult to know what to say or do for the best. I could outline what would happen in case things go wrong, such as shes not awake at the time etc but stick to it by the book. She does not build, she destroys and the relationship will further deteriorate over time, to the point where he gets to the point the others are at. It is sad but it is what it is, nothing will change.

LT.

[mart555]

Anywho. My son has had contact with his mother. I understand the stance of many here but I also think honouring my morals and what I see as being right is important to. I do not agree with parents denying the other parent contact unless there is a risk to the child involved.

I used to be like you.  Did not want to stop visits, or force them to be supervised.  Sadly, I am only realizing now the damage that she has done to the kids.  The emotional damage that can be done is huge.   I am now paying for it with a 11yo that seems to be depressive or BPD, and is scared of what is happening to himself. 

[Longterm]

 
I used to be like you.  Did not want to stop visits, or force them to be supervised.  Sadly, I am only realizing now the damage that she has done to the kids.  The emotional damage that can be done is huge.   I am now paying for it with a 11yo that seems to be depressive or BPD, and is scared of what is happening to himself. 

I mean what do I say to that? I completely see what your saying, the kids have issues already and I see all this as being damage limitation now. She does damage them with any contact she has, the end result is always pain. I have been told many things and one of these things is that its important for me to let the kids have a relationship with their mom and try to stay out of it whilst letting them figure it all out on their own, to not mention cluster b etc.

Now as it stands, the kids are a lot healthier than they were when the ex came back. My son was diagnosed PTS and reactive depression along with anxiety. I have encouraged him to think about what he wants whilst taking him to therapy. He enjoys the gym these days, has stopped the binge eating and has lost 2st. He prepares all meals himself and has even bagged himself a gf. My daughter was self harming, diagnosed depression and anxiety and also possibly BPD. I have since changed my stance on this due go many reasons. She is actively in therapy and is doing huge amounts for herself, self reflection, self love etc. She starts work tomorrow and the turnaround has been awesome.

The point I'm making is that my youngest will become healthier away from his mother, he will start therapy in January and I will teach him that he is worthy of love and what he wants is important. He will fight the dysfunction as the others have, I see it in him. She will further destroy her relationship with him and he will choose to stay away at some point.

LT.

[mart555]

I mean what do I say to that? I completely see what your saying, the kids have issues already and I see all this as being damage limitation now. She does damage them with any contact she has, the end result is always pain. I have been told many things and one of these things is that its important for me to let the kids have a relationship with their mom and try to stay out of it whilst letting them figure it all out on their own, to not mention cluster b etc.

You don't have to say anything to that. I am like you, I'd like my kids to have a good relationship with their mom but you have to remember that:
- Those who say "the kids need both parents! they need a relationship with both parents!" have no clue about what cluster B is.  I'm not saying cut ties, I'm saying stay protective and keep an eye.  This is a bit like telling people that you're going to a crazy divorce and you describe the ex.  No one believes it, except those on the BPD forums that have been through it.  
- Your role is to protect the kids.  Not to save the mom.  This goes along with guilt. And yes, it is difficult.  But take the time to remember that once in a while.  I am not saying destroy the mom, I'm saying that you likely can't save them all, someone may sink. And it cannot be you, nor the kids. 

I am not sure that not mentioning cluster B is the way to go.  For my kids, the therapist made sure to explain to them that their mom wasn't well due to mental illness and that they shouldn't take it personal. That mom would always be like this, and they cannot change that.  Kids were 10 / 14  at the time.

[kells76]

Hi Longterm;

Maybe you've thought of this already, but can your S10 do Skype with his mom from your house? Just wondering if that might meet the desires for contact but in a safer, limited, controlled setting.

kells76

[Longterm]

Hi again mart555

   I am like you, I'd like my kids to have a good relationship with their mom but you have to remember that:
- Those who say "the kids need both parents! they need a relationship with both parents!" have no clue about what cluster B is.

You have highlighted some things here for me that I never thought about. I think this is what it is, I want them to have good relationships with their mom but she just makes it so difficult when it should be really simple, this in turn leaves me frustrated and stressed out. A lot of people are unaware of the dynamics at play here and the effect it has on everybody, it is draining and tragic. They dont need her but they want her love, she is unable or unwilling to give it, it's like a missing piece of a puzzle for them, the damage to their sense of self is horrible to witness and this is why i am big on validation for them, i give it them constantly and have found many tools here invaluable.

  - Your role is to protect the kids.  Not to save the mom.  This goes along with guilt. And yes, it is difficult.

This bit was difficult to read, I do appreciate bluntness though so thank you. My T is adamant that I am still trying to save this woman, we have had many discussions about it. I think looking at it maybe I am, I'm trying to fix a relationship that in reality has nothing to do with me, SHE should be trying to fix it, not me. She has upset him and there is resentment there from him, I see it, I didn't do that, she did. All that's coming from her is anger, denial and emotional abuse.

I am not saying destroy the mom, I'm saying that you likely can't save them all, someone may sink. And it cannot be you, nor the kids.   

I could cause her many problems but I choose not to, she trips herself up, no need for me to do anything. She has been sinking for years now, the kids one by one have abandoned ship. I wont sink, I'm the one throwing the life rafts at the kids.

I was thinking about all this last night at work and I spoke to my boy this morning. He was a bit quiet so I asked what was wrong. He again stated that he is worried his mom will make him go to the bf house next time he sees her. I told him I think it's best that he take a break from his mom to collect his thoughts, centre himself and allow his anxiety to lower. I said if he wants to see his mom he can see her at nans for a limited time once per week.

  I am not sure that not mentioning cluster B is the way to go.  For my kids, the therapist made sure to explain to them that their mom wasn't well due to mental illness and that they shouldn't take it personal. That mom would always be like this, and they cannot change that.  Kids were 10 / 14  at the time.

I tell them regularly not to take it personally. My daughter told me a few years ago that she believes her mom to be sociopathic. She is in the process of coming to terms with her moms behaviour and has a really good grasp on things, therapy has helped with this and she has been told to stay away from her mother. My other son mentioned a few months ago that his moms a narcissist, and recently said she shows all the signs of sociopathy. I asked him why he said that and he said he had been looking into it for several months. I do not ask what goes on in therapy but have told them I am here if they want to talk. I personally think they are discussing cluster b in therapy, I think this is good and is helping them. The youngest has told me his mom has "cycles" and has abandoned ship, I feel he is confused and is beginning his own journey into understanding his mothers issues.

Hi Kells76

can your S10 do Skype with his mom from your house? Just wondering if that might meet the desires for contact but in a safer, limited, controlled setting. 

Hmm, I hadn't actually thought about this but it sounds like a viable option. I will think about this. I think he is avoiding talking to her though if I'm honest. He has a phone but keeps switching it off, I think this is because everytime he talks to her he hits a brick wall.

LT.

[worriedStepmom]

My SD's therapist said that she is grieving the relationship she wanted with her mom.  Mom is not capable of providing that.  She is not capable of being a good, loving mother.

Your son will need to do the same.  It sounds like your older kids are already in that process.  It's not easy coming to terms with the fact that you don't have what every other kid seems to have - two functioning parents who love you.

My SD also turned her phone off a lot until we blocked her mom.  She couldn't handle the stress of mom's texts.   It was always a guess as to whether loving mom or mean mom was texting.

I like the idea of specific time periods where your son could see his mom at his grandmother's house.  It's up to his mom whether or not she shows up.

[mart555]

My SD's therapist said that she is grieving the relationship she wanted with her mom. 

Does that trigger suicidal thoughts? depression?  My 11yo is going through that... but I don't know if it's due to BPD pre-disposition (he's hypersentitive to emotions, smell, taste, .. like most pwBPD), copying the behavior of his mom, sadness of not seeing her, or everything at once.

[Longterm]

My SD's therapist said that she is grieving the relationship she wanted with her mom.  Mom is not capable of providing that.  She is not capable of being a good, loving mother. 

Yes, this. It makes so much sense. She is not capable and it must hurt them to see this, I cannot comprehend how hard that is to deal with.

My SD also turned her phone off a lot until we blocked her mom.  She couldn't handle the stress of mom's texts.   It was always a guess as to whether loving mom or mean mom was texting.    

I have told him that he does not have to message back if he does not want to. I hear his phone beep sometimes and he switches it off. He switched it back on saturday night to message his gf about the party (hes had the same gf since he was 2-3) and it was beeping like crazy, he made arrangements then switched it off. His gf dad came to pick him up and after I waved him off I went back indoors and noticed he had left his phone behind. I'm guessing he wanted to enjoy himself, which he did. The loving/mean mom dynamic is at play and I think it has been for a while, especially since his brother jumped ship.

LT.

[worriedStepmom]

Does that trigger suicidal thoughts? depression?  My 11yo is going through that... but I don't know if it's due to BPD pre-disposition (he's hypersentitive to emotions, smell, taste, .. like most pwBPD), copying the behavior of his mom, sadness of not seeing her, or everything at once.

My SD was very anxious and stressed.  She developed some tics, and didn't sleep well, and cried at the drop of a hat.  She's much better now - her T says she feels safe and stable with us.  But she misses her mom.

[mart555]

My SD was very anxious and stressed.  She developed some tics, and didn't sleep well, and cried at the drop of a hat.  She's much better now - her T says she feels safe and stable with us.  But she misses her mom.

Thanks for the feedback.  Seems like in my case it's way worse... he said that he hated his life, wanted to die..  thought about jumping through the window.  He even left the house for 10 minutes when I was in the shower, said that he did not know where to go just but wanted to leave.   I spoke to him after: he feels like he is exactly like his mother. that scares him and he feels like he cannot change that.   I'm working on that, will get him some help.