1 year N/C struggling today

[Depression = 72% of members]

  I just wanted to post today. I found this site 2.5 yrs ago and it really help me in my journey. I had the classic relationship with a BPD spouse. I literally found this site when my then hubby was moving his things out of our home . The first 18 mos I couldn't let go of him completely, I  divorced him, but could not accept my intuition had been so wrong. I fought the cognitive dissonance in my relationship. Finally after trying yet again I let him go and have not seen nor said one spoken or written word for an entire year . That being said, I still struggle with getting over him completely.  My life is completely different,  I really don't think he would recognise me. I know I will never make a lot of the mistakes  I made and I have done a ton of internal work on myself. I don't blame him for my misery or beat myself up for the cycle I volunteered for. I started school again, but I am isolating. I thought I would be as out going as I was my entire life. It seems like if I make a new friend, I don't get emotional attached like I use to. I  use to jump in have tons of fun, but inevitable I would feel smothered or taken advantage of. Now I don't  get close enough to ANYONE to remotely get hurt. I have 0 intrest in dating, a new phenomenon for me.  I am starting to worry,  I'll never have the " highs" I had with my exe or let my guard down. I know my life is much better in every way, but I think I have had to  suppress and am kinda embarrassed to admit that I still miss him at times. So I thought I would get this out of my head/ heart  because it's hard to talk to my family about him.

[confused4now]

  I just wanted to post today. I found this site 2.5 yrs ago and it really help me in my journey. I had the classic relationship with a BPD spouse. I literally found this site when my then hubby was moving his things out of our home . The first 18 mos I couldn't let go of him completely, I  divorced him, but could not accept my intuition had been so wrong. I fought the cognitive dissonance in my relationship. Finally after trying yet again I let him go and have not seen nor said one spoken or written word for an entire year . That being said, I still struggle with getting over him completely.  My life is completely different,  I really don't think he would recognise me. I know I will never make a lot of the mistakes  I made and I have done a ton of internal work on myself. I don't blame him for my misery or beat myself up for the cycle I volunteered for. I started school again, but I am isolating. I thought I would be as out going as I was my entire life. It seems like if I make a new friend, I don't get emotional attached like I use to. I  use to jump in have tons of fun, but inevitable I would feel smothered or taken advantage of. Now I don't  get close enough to ANYONE to remotely get hurt. I have 0 intrest in dating, a new phenomenon for me.  I am starting to worry,  I'll never have the " highs" I had with my exe or let my guard down. I know my life is much better in every way, but I think I have had to  suppress and am kinda embarrassed to admit that I still miss him at times. So I thought I would get this out of my head/ heart  because it's hard to talk to my family about him.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey confused4now, I admire your courage to leave an unhealthy situation.  It's normal to miss your Ex and the good parts of your r/s, but don't forget the drama, abuse and turmoil that accompanies a BPD r/s.  It sounds like you are afraid to get hurt again, which is why you are unwilling to feel vulnerable.  That's understandable, but I can confirm that there are kind and considerate people out there who will treat you well.  Yes, your life is much better.  Suggest you be patient.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace. 

LuckyJim

[BobsBurger]

Hey, I completely sympathise with this. In the past when I've broken up with people it's taken a little bit of time for me to get my head back into living life... but it was only a few months before the urge to meet someone else, find someone else attractive, progress with life and have a desire to have fun would take over.

This though zapped everything! I just feel flat and pretty much exhausted and have no desire to have a new relationship romantic or otherwise. Which I think is understandable given the fact someone has trained you over an extended period to put all of your focus on them, their needs and their drama and then turned cold and hurtful.

On top of this I've found it really difficult to handle the fact that my ex is moving on with her life as you would expect someone to. Meanwhile its taken all of my energy to just keep afloat! Its brutal and horrible and totally unfair.

Obviously time is the answer but I also think there's a need to unwind the training somehow... Whether thats trying to be open to good people again or trying to energise the romantic part of the brain somehow... and ultimately be more positive about the possibilities.

[Plucky1980]

Hey, I completely sympathise with this. In the past when I've broken up with people it's taken a little bit of time for me to get my head back into living life... but it was only a few months before the urge to meet someone else, find someone else attractive, progress with life and have a desire to have fun would take over.

This though zapped everything! I just feel flat and pretty much exhausted and have no desire to have a new relationship romantic or otherwise. Which I think is understandable given the fact someone has trained you over an extended period to put all of your focus on them, their needs and their drama and then turned cold and hurtful.

On top of this I've found it really difficult to handle the fact that my ex is moving on with her life as you would expect someone to. Meanwhile its taken all of my energy to just keep afloat! Its brutal and horrible and totally unfair.

Obviously time is the answer but I also think there's a need to unwind the training somehow... Whether thats trying to be open to good people again or trying to energise the romantic part of the brain somehow... and ultimately be more positive about the possibilities.

This entire post is how I feel, in a nutshell. And probably the best explanation I've heard, regarding how we all feel. We've been conditioned to believe we're the problem, that there's something wrong with us, that we're at fault entirely and we need to change.

I think it takes a long time to get out of that mindset. I'm still not fully there yet, and it's been 10 months. I still occasionally blame myself. But mostly I look at her objectively and realise that she was a lying, manipulative, cold, calculating woman devoid of empathy and incapable of showing any real, organic affection. And for periods of time, I believe what the 50 or so people have said to me when I've gone over it with them.

That it wasn't my fault.

[BobsBurger]

This entire post is how I feel, in a nutshell. And probably the best explanation I've heard, regarding how we all feel. We've been conditioned to believe we're the problem, that there's something wrong with us, that we're at fault entirely and we need to change.

I think it takes a long time to get out of that mindset. I'm still not fully there yet, and it's been 10 months. I still occasionally blame myself. But mostly I look at her objectively and realise that she was a lying, manipulative, cold, calculating woman devoid of empathy and incapable of showing any real, organic affection. And for periods of time, I believe what the 50 or so people have said to me when I've gone over it with them.

That it wasn't my fault.

Hey plucky 1980, I've spent a lot of time ruminating on what we both did and said and it just seems like the disorder meant it was destined to fail from the start no matter what we did... And to her credit when it first started to get weird even my ex tried...kindof. But i don't know anyone who has the skills to manage a mental disorder as a partner... By the time I had even realised that it was something that would need to be managed it was all too far gone. It was a game I didn't know I was playing never mind knowing the rules.

So no not our fault.

I've spent a lot of time trying to rebuild myself completely to be the person that she said I wasn't and its only recently I've realised the pedestal me she expected is impossible and I'm actually OK as I am

[1315]

All of these posts were very helpful to me. Its amazing to me to find other people that write their own experiences here and they exactly reflect my thoughts. It is such a relief because when I try to explain myself to others, they do not seem to get it. I have been conditioned over 10 years to believe and accept the "fact" that I alone was the person who was responsible for my wife's inability to feel my love and therefore the decay of our relationship. I knew nothing about BPD until after she left the 3rd time. I totally lost myself in this decade. How can we miss and long for someone who throws us away? I accepted her and all her flaws but she could/would not reciprocate. The attachment is so real and unhealthy and so hard to pry myself out of. I still can't believe this has happened to me. It doesn't seem real sometimes. I have come to realize she never loved me the way I loved her or the way I thought she loved me. That's a shocking wake up call. I think because this was so out of nowhere for me, I was no where close to being prepared for my life to be shattered. Anyway, thanks to everyone on this string for making me feel a little more normal.

It's not my fault...