New and struggling

[Rubanon]

My mother is an untreated BPD. We have had a tumultuous relationship since I was a small child. After my recent estrangement from her I realized I needed therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD. This diagnosis may end up saving my life as I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was at least 14.

But mostly now I am lonely as I come to terms with the reality of estrangement. I recently moved to a new state and left my network of friends and colleagues behind; I don't have a father (he abandoned me as an infant); and my mother destroyed any chance of having a relationship with what's left of our already small family. I do at least have my younger brother and sister but we live 1600 miles apart and I don't want to burden them. I'm the oldest, so I try not to show them what a mess I've become.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!

I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but I am glad you found us.  You are in a great place to talk with others who have similar family dynamics and experiences.  Several of us have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD, including me.  

You don't have to work through this alone.  We get it here and can help support you as you progress through therapy and work on things.  

You mentioned a recent estrangement from your mom.  Can you tell us more about what happened?  

I'm the oldest, so I try not to show them what a mess I've become.

Tell us more if you want to.  I think I can relate.  I have felt very damaged and less than for a long time.  It gets better though. Therapy helped a lot and so has the support I have received here over the years.  In some ways, this board helped me even more than therapy in terms of knowing I am not alone and having a safe place 24/7.  In addition, the members have helped me confront some difficult truths and have given me new perspectives on various events.

I hope you settle in and read and feel comfortable to post more here in this thread and in others.  We all work together to support each other as we work on healing.  Again, you don't have to do this alone any more.

[Turkish]

I never had a father that I could remember, but my parents gave me up for adoption as a baby and I was adopted by my mother with BPD, a single parent adoption.  A little different than your experience.

I once moved out of state which cut me off from my friends... I wanted to start anew and cut off my life from before. The first morning I awoke and realized that I was really alone was shocking. 

How do you feel that you're a mess?