Going Back Tomorrow After 1 Month AWOL

[MrRight]

As some of you know - I left my udBPD wife last month but am now going back.

I decided to open this thread and report on events plus take advice.

Well apparently everything is going to be "wonderful" - oh yes.

She has been asking me to try and repair her reputation in the eyes of my dad, stepmother sister etc - I already asked them and they are hostile. She blames me for blackening her name, forgetting things that happened 16 years ago that initially put her into conflict. When my son was 1, my stepmother gave him a christmas present - an educational toy. My wife already believed my stepmother had ill will towards our son and took the toy, tossing it into the garden of my dad and stepmother one night. I tried to stop her but she was unstoppable - an example of her destructive behaviour. So they were already cautious about her as long ago as that. And of course we have not seen them in all this time - they would never believe that was my choice.

well wish me luck. I feel like a bit of failure that I broke up and am going back - but as I explained in the other thread - I felt it was the only reasonable course of action for me to take.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

It is characteristic of GOD's to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. You can't repair the relationship between your wife and dad/step mom by yourself. Your wife hears responsibility for the repair. You can help and support. You don't own a magic wand.

Have you asked your wife what her vision of a repaired relationship looks like?

[MrRight]

It is characteristic of GOD's to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. You can't repair the relationship between your wife and dad/step mom by yourself. Your wife hears responsibility for the repair. You can help and support. You don't own a magic wand.

Have you asked your wife what her vision of a repaired relationship looks like?

I think she imagines we can all start afresh. But I have said enough to make her realise I have no power to change their feelings. She has been suggesting I basically tell them I exaggerated all her wrongdoings over the years. The fact my father didnt see his grandson from age 1 to 17 - despite us living not too far away - that was - my fault as much as hers.

To be frank she is still in denial about a lot of it.

[GaGrl]

Are you willing to lie?

[MrRight]

Are you willing to lie?

am I prepared to lie to my dad and say I exaggerated etc

no of course not and he wouldn't believe it anyway. Im afraid I was a little too detailed in giving my reasons to them why I left her - but even before this - years ago - my brother told me - "my dad hates your wife" (more or less).

Ive now told her they dont want to see her - so she can live with it.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Mr. Right-

Thinking of you and hoping that you’re doing well, are safe and that things with your wife are better, much better than before you left.

Please talk to us when you can.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[MrRight]

Hi Mr. Right-

Thinking of you and hoping that you’re doing well, are safe and that things with your wife are better, much better than before you left.

Please talk to us when you can.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thanks for thinking of me.

Well - for 3 days it was ok - but you knew that wouldn't last.

Im not suffering like before and I am sleeping  well - so that is good.

But she broke down two nights ago when I took her in the car to a nearby town for a bit of a night out. There is a road she hates - and I took this route - forgetting how she has reacted in the past to this particular road. When we stopped the car and parked we spent 1 hour in the car and she was telling me how I dont consider her feelings etc. (ah yes - familiar BPD territory thats right 1 hour in the car after we had parked). We eventually made peace.

Then today there was an explosion because I did not take her out in the morning as I had promised several days before. She took a small family album of mine with pics of when I was a kid, my mum dad sister brother etc from 50 years ago - polaroids etc - and threatened to tear them to shreds. In the end I believe she has crumpled some of them though she has yet to show me the damage. These are items I treasure.

Yes - I am doing just great, as you can see.

[MrRight]

She showed me the damage on that photo album.

In fact its my sister's album - as me and her have been keeping each about half of the old family photos and decided to unite them in her album. I happened to take it with me when I went back saying - dont worry I will take good care of them.

Well the album is destroyed - all the pockets torn out and the covers ripped clean off. Fortunately the photos are intact - one - a picture of me at 2 is crumpled - but the rest are ok. She has now bought a new album to put them into.

She has been insulting my dad, sister etc - she is deadly jealous that I spent 1 month with them after I left her.

I dont regret coming back but it could be years before circumstances are lined up for me to really settle this all once and finally. I am afraid I was a little too optimistic and desperate leaving her last month and thinking I could properly free myself.

We are anyway selling the house and we are going to buy a place outright. We have an agent coming on Monday.

I have been hit by terrible depression now and then.

She caught me lying about something trivial - that didnt help.

Otherwise I am trying to make the best of it.

[MrRight]

OK - I need a plan - a written plan.

I had a plan that led to me leaving on 21st sep and it kept me going for years.

Well - now I need a new plan - a long term plan - where do I want to be in 10 years and how am I going to get there. What are my short and mid term goals and strategies. What conditions need to be in place for me to make a new exit. I messed up this time - next time has to be decisive.

Need to think carefully and compose a plan - keep it hidden online somewhere.

[GaGrl]

It sounded as if part of your timeline involved your son graduating from university? Is that a major milestone?

If so, what milestones are along the longer term ten-year goal? Two years, three years, five, seven?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Mr. Right and GaGrl-

Do you think it’s better to move this to “Conflicted” with a new thread title?  We can be more open there with our comments, I think.

And MR, I’m so sorry things have spiraled so quickly.  Don’t beat yourself up... you’re doing the best you can.

But yes, I agree with GaGrl, perhaps we begin with a plan that’s shorter than 10 years, smaller pockets of time.  I’m thinking that your son may wish to break away as well.  He also got mental health to consider.  And a future.

Warmly,
Gems

[MrRight]

As for moving to conflicted. I will leave that to a moderator.

Yes - shorter goal than 10 years. Agreed.

Graduation date is 3 and 1/2 years away.

Have also had some discussion with the wife to that end - if I we're gonna go our different ways - wait till graduation day. provided we have moved by that time, house sold - most of my financial commitments will be at an end.

In the meantime though - for all our sakes - I need to negotiate carefully.

Today has been peaceful - we had breakfast together in the town - took a nice walk. We have also been talking about how an empty nest can affect parents. She thinks that's why I left her. The empty nest is painful of course but that was not the reason.

[MrRight]

I think that trying to be constructive - there is no point in me coming on this board and moaning.

Many of you have a better insight at how to deal with BPD behaviour and emotions - if I give you examples of daily scenarios perhaps you can advise.

One of the worst is

"You've destroyed my mood"

this is usually because I have forgotten to take something into account that she find important and is a warning that something is going to escalate and result in a time consuming damaging conflict.

How can I defuse this? What can I say?

[MrRight]

 I’m thinking that your son may wish to break away as well.

Right - he will very very disappointed I have gone back - in a way I feel like I have betrayed him. he did say to me recently he was considering breaking it off with her. But at under 17 - he is still young. She overloads him with communication while he is away at university

5000 texts in 1 month! Yes - she exceeded her package limit.

I am seeing him later in the month one to one - she will be somewhere else - so i will have time to talk things over - explain why i came back. I dont want him to think I'm doing it for him. The real truth is the money - though I do support his accomodation fees and dont want him to feel responsible in any way.

Given that he has to come back to the family house for holidays etc - I dont think him severing his ties with her is feasible. When he has graduated - has his own income etc - he can choose.