New information about uBPD MIL and family...

[pursuingJoy]

I've come across some new realizations about my uBPD MIL.

After an amazing time with about 75 members of my FOO and extended family, my husband (whose family is unwelcoming, clique-ish, snobby) and I were talking about family and he said he loved mine. A recurring theme for him is 'family is everything,' it's how he justifies his enmeshed relationship with his mom.

It occurred to me that his deceased dad's sister and her kids are still living. He loved his dad so much, yet I've never met her, nor does he talk about her. I asked why. He calmly stated that his aunt once accused his mother of being the reason his brother committed suicide. Because of that, he would never speak to her again. He sounded sad.

So yeah, no matter who you are, accusing someone that is generally crappy. But this led to two thoughts:

    1. Knowing what family means to my husband, it hurts my heart that this <Rescuer defending the Waif at all costs> has divided him from his dad's family like that. Part of me wants to encourage him to reach out to his aunt. Maybe just see if I can find her information so that he can contact her. She is his dad's last living sibling.
    2.  Apart from being a crappy thing to tell someone, part of me wonders if it's true. BPD often have a scapegoat and golden child. Husband was the golden child, his brother was most definitely the scapegoat. Husband argues that by saying that his parents spent exactly the same on each son. I'm suspecting the different treatment went way deeper than spending.
    3. The other reason I want to contact his aunt is because sometimes people have another piece of the story, a piece that's different than what the BPD individual has been pounding home. What if building a relationship with his aunt gives my husband access to another piece of the truth? Is this manipulative meddling?

[Jareth89]

    3. The other reason I want to contact his aunt is because sometimes people have another piece of the story, a piece that's different than what the BPD individual has been pounding home. What if building a relationship with his aunt gives my husband access to another piece of the truth? Is this manipulative meddling?

This sounds like a great idea! Follow your intuition...it told you what to do...is where the truth is one way or another. My suspicion is the aunt knows much...if she seems a reasonable person you should listen to her. Sometimes there is only one lone voice who will be brave enough to state the facts. If you don't go and see her you will never know.

[pursuingJoy]

Thanks for this, Jareth.    I'm not trying to create more issues. This is a valuable place to bounce ideas around so I really appreciate your feedback. 

[ProudDad12]

It's tricky business, but one with a lot of potential value. We've reconnected with my aunt and uncles, and they've been nothing but supportive. And I've learned things that really validate and help me with what I'm doing.

Tricky side is that it's easy to come across as being manipulative, especially given your husband's current mindset. Even now in my own situation, I sometimes have to stop myself from thinking I'm just being told "x" so that I will do/think "y". There's a certain paranoia that comes from a lifetime of FOG induced manipulation.

I may be bias given my recent experiences, but I think it might be a good thing to reach out to them if you can do it in a way that doesn't cause a lot of problem between you and your husband. I have no idea how to advise what approach to take, just make it obvious you're coming from a good place.

[pursuingJoy]

Tricky side is that it's easy to come across as being manipulative, especially given your husband's current mindset.

Thanks ProudDad, this is exactly my concern. If I reach out, I think it has to be without ulterior motives. I could also just find their information and ask my husband what he thinks about reaching out together? I think that might be the only way to go about it.

My husband says that if his mom was manipulating him, he would see it. Manipulation isn't always something people are doing intentionally.

[Harri]

I could also just find their information and ask my husband what he thinks about reaching out together? I think that might be the only way to go about it.

I think this is wise.  It really is for him to decide I think.