My Husband Kicked Me out And Asked For A Divorce After A Row

[st4r]

I am feeling so confused hurt and totally shattered yet again. Went to work thurs am got a lift from a male colleague gave him a peck on the cheek for picking me up 445am.Unknown to me my husband had been watching out the window. when he returned from work a barrage of insults, accusations and the silent treatment, he went out got drunk smashed my phone spat in my face twice and went to hit me. i was in shock . i slept on sofa was called into bedroom you can sleep in my bed and i refused .The nastiness continued and was told to leave a threat given to me on numerous occasions. i was told he would file divorce on monday. I took my belongings and left .I totally love my husband and can deal with him usually and accept his problems but he took this too far, . i have great regret in leaving and miss him so much. Phone has been blocked by him i just want him to get help . we have been married nearly three years and his episodes last a few days and then he apologises, this time is different because i left . Have i lost him forever.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello, st4r and welcome

That sounds like a really scary situation to deal with and I'm so sorry.

Has there ever been an incident like this (with violence) before?

[st4r]

Thank you for replying, yes on several occasions , my clothes have been cut up and thrown out the window all the scissors in our home were hidden. It is as if another person appears i could see it in his eyes, he would then try and explain that it was like a  bad dream he was always so sorry and embarrassed. For some reason i accepted his behaviour because when he is normal he is the nicest person you would wish to meet.He did call me last night first asking if i was out on the town, i am 55 and had to move in with my brother and his family not an ideal situation. was then told he loved me very much and was so messed up with his thoughts. He told me that once someone tells him they know him thats it, because know one is allowed to because then he dosnt feel free to be himself. He asked me to meet him monday after he gets some guidance on his life.  I feel so shattered i dont want to be a burden to my brother, dont have enough money to rent, not sure what to do.

[khibomsis]

Dear st4r, what a horrible situation to be in! At the same time it sounds to me that the situation in your home has reached a point where it might be better for you to take a break from it for a while. Apart from everything else we nons often suffer from PTSD after years with emotional dysregulation, physical attacks and so on. For now it is your clothes. Next it could be you. For this reason I think you should feel lucky that you are in a place where you are safe. Many people on this board struggle to get where you are - the most dangerous period is when one is leaving. You seem to have gotten through this in one piece. Now is the time to think through your situation very carefully. Feel safe before you go back, otherwise you might find yourself in the same situation again - and the next time it might not be so easy.   
You are very lucky to have a brother who is supportive. What is the situation with your family? Are they OK with you staying on for a little? That seems to me to be the first thing to clarify so you can plan your future.
It is good that your husband has initiated first contact with you, it shows he cares. Communication is the key to a peaceful resolution. Often our loved ones are in a good deal of pain and rages are their way of expressing it. One needs to read the pain through the anger and act with compassion for both parties.
Experience on this board has generally been that for the situation to improve takes a lot of work from both sides. Does your husband have a diagnosis that he accepts? Is he willing to seek therapy? If so than you can move forward. If not then you maybe need to think about how to get those things in place.
In the meantime there is a lot you can do to strengthen yourself. Find a copy of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and read it to see what you recognize in it. Yes, giving a colleague a peck on the cheek was maybe not the wisest thing to do. But there are a lot more conflict free ways to communicate his pain around this. You need to reach a point where you can breathe in your home. The book will give you tools to do that.
Sending positive energy while you turn this challenge in your life into an opportunity for new growth and change. 

[st4r]

Thank you so much means a lot to have someone understand what your going through and have found and ordered the book thanks again .

[khibomsis]

St4r you are welcome! And  welcome to the family! We are all travellers together. This site supported me through a tremendously tough time in my life and I am here back again trying to walk the next part of the road as sensibly as I can.
It is great that you ordered the book. This site also has many lessons and workshops one can work through, maybe the next step for you is to think about what you would like to work on. Bottom line: you cannot change your loved one with BPD. You can only change the way you relate to him. And that requires deep and fundamental changes to yourself. For my my first step was radical acceptance. I had to accept what BPD does and what it is. Here is maybe a place for you to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

How are things for you today? Are you feeling better? Did you have a chance to rest or did you have to rush off to work?
  take care of yourself. Things will get better, don't worry 

[Ozzie101]

St4r, the physical violence (whether directly towards you or towards your clothing -- which is actually a form of physical abuse) is very concerning to me. I hope you'll answer khibomsis about your situation and if you're able to stay with your brother for a while.

Have you reached out to a domestic violence agency in your area? These agencies usually have counselors who can really help you with therapy and with practical concerns regarding safety, money and shelter.

In the meantime, I hope you'll take a look at the Safety Plan we have here:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

And, also, when you feel up to it, take the MOSAIC test here:
https://www.mosaicmethod.com
It's a completely confidential test that's used and recognized by professionals to determine the threat level of domestic violence situations. If you take it, please let us know your score.

I say all this not to scare you. I've been in a similar situation. My H never actually laid a hand on me, but there was emotional and verbal abuse and it could easily have escalated. I scored a 6 on the MOSAIC. At the urging of some members here, I contacted a DV agency and got some extremely valuable help there.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing!

[st4r]

Having one of those days, husband went to a meeting to discuss his future was supposed to meet after for a chat, he text me saying be round his at 9 for a talk that would blow my mind. Because my brother and family have kindly let me stay with them i respect there help and felt 9 was too late . I suggested 8 and was told dont bother i obviously didnt want to save our marriage and i shouldnt give my family priority.  whatever i do at the moment is causing conflict, my family do not want me to see him at the moment. just feel tired and sick all the time.

[khibomsis]

Dear, you are going to get through this. Indeed you need to rest, this is not a time to make bad decisions. I suggest you take stock of your situation, I think the idea of taking the MOSAIC test is a great one. And if you can get some counselling at a domestic violence service this would help you think through what next.
In the meantime short term goals are important. Try not to let your husband get to you. Don't escalate the conflict. You can do that best by setting boundaries and not allowing yourself get drawn into his cycle. He needs you to be stable as much as you do.

[Ozzie101]

In the meantime short term goals are important. Try not to let your husband get to you. Don't escalate the conflict. You can do that best by setting boundaries and not allowing yourself get drawn into his cycle. He needs you to be stable as much as you do.

Exactly. khibomsis gives good advice here. It's very important for your emotional and physical well-being both now and in the future that you set some boundaries and stay strong. Bowing to FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) would be a mistake right now and those are the tactics it sounds like he was using last night.

Have you looked at the links I gave you or thought about counseling? Speaking from personal experience, they can really do a lot to help.

[Radcliff]

You're getting great advice from Ozzie101 and khibomsis here.  I am impressed that you felt comfortable asserting a boundary and not meeting him at 9pm, suggesting 8pm instead.  I know it's scary to be separated from him right now.  The silver lining is that some peaceful time not having to worry about violence or clothes being cut up can give you a chance to build skills and strength.  Hang in there.  You are not alone.

RC

[Ozzie101]

How are you doing, st4r?

[st4r]

Hi there thank you all for your advice and support. I have my head in stop walking on egg shells at the moment. Did meet up with him but its hard to recognise my husband at the moment. One minute declaring his love then blocking me, we have agreed to live seperately at the moment. We do still love each other but have so many issues he wont go for help, he is drinking, and dosnt know how he feels from one minute to the next. I am doing my best to be supportive. I just feel so sad that the person i love is a stranger to me.

[Ozzie101]

I understand, st4r. I felt much the same way with my H when he was dysregulating last year (lots of emotional and verbal abuse going on). Are you still staying with your brother for now? As Radcliff said, while a break is sad in some ways, it's also valuable time you can use to build up your own strength and recover.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update.  I'm sorry for the sadness.  When we start to think our partner is not the person we thought they were, or we hoped they were, it can be terribly disorienting.  It takes time to process.  Please keep us posted.

RC

[st4r]

Having a really bad day feel so emotional cant think straight about anything, cant sleep. We are supposed to be trying to repair our marriage but feel so lonely,  i did text him yest got a one word answer asked how his day was busy was the reply. I had spent the eve before with him in our lovely home it upset me so much leaving.  Just so confused about everything. I have three lovely children from my ex partner of 30 years i dealt with trust issues with him as he had a lover for 15 years and that crucified me i left him. My whole family is so confused and messed up. I just wish i could wake up and feel better.

[Radcliff]

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day.  Situations like this are gut wrenching.  What can you do to take care of yourself today?  Are there any small actions you can take that can nudge things a bit in a better direction?  It may not be possible to make an awful day good, but doing something to comfort yourself even a little bit may help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed.  Please keep us posted on how you're feeling.

RC

[st4r]

He did it that final call told me he needed to be himself and couldnt be with me anymore. Told me how messed up his head was told me its over. I am devastated and like him totally messed up.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough call with him.  Hang in there.  This may be the end, it may not be.  pwBPD often think in black-and-white terms, flipping between extremes.  The trick is to try to develop some distance from it so we don't get whiplash.  I know this may sound impossible where you are now, and am so sorry for all the anguish you're feeling.

The thing to do now is whatever you can do to take care of yourself.  Try to think of one good thing you can do for yourself.

We're hear to listen and support you.  Please check in tomorrow and let us know how you're doing.

RC

[Ozzie101]

I second Radcliff's comments. PwBPD can ping-pong between extremes, which can be hard and painful to try to keep up with.

Take care of yourself. Even small things can start to make a big difference. It may not be easy at first, but it will improve. And keep posting!

[st4r]

Thank you, you guys make my day understanding how i feel. Never slept last night could not manage work, but did go to the doctors who introduced me to Rise a domestic abuse centre, a big step. Called them but no answer only answering machine will call again. Husband text me asking me round again ,i honestly dont know how to deal with that situation after last night. I was with my daughter so couldnt, but if she had not been there would have been a different story. I do need some help dealing with my situation and will keep trying Rise. Thank you for listening to me.

[Ozzie101]

That's good that you reached out to a DV agency. Many of us have been able to get valuable support that way. Please let us know what happens when you are able to talk to them. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and stay safe. And keep posting here!

[st4r]

Really trying my best but need a little advice what is going on. Two days ago had to hear our marriage was definitely over. I was upset hurt and it really affected me.Next day he texts i am chilling would you like to pop over for a few hours.I couldnt was with my family. I didnt send any more texts and tonight he texts i realise i am on my own now so im going to crack on you do the same.  I replied i miss and love you and wont crack on. His reply i have just said find yourself someone who can sort you out i cant and never have been able to.  My reply i have everything i need and  want  in my husband. His reply your winning this game but i will not give into you ever mark my words. I asked what game. Reply the emotional one.

[st4r]

He also decided to block me again i couldnt reply.

[Radcliff]

Situations like this when our partners are making it all about their needs can feel very invalidating to us.  It can feel like our needs and feelings aren't allowed to exist.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  Remember that you are allowed to have feelings and needs and act in ways (for example to see him or not see him) that make sense for your feelings and needs.

That's great that you've reached out to a DV centre.  One of the helpful things about them is the education they can provide around what healthy relationships look like and how to identify abuse.  You can learn more about the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behavior by looking at a very useful graphic called the Relationship Spectrum.

Back to your request for advice... the flip-flopping is something that is familiar to many members here.  We can leave for work in the morning thinking our pwBPD is going to file for divorce by lunchtime, but by dinnertime things are warm again.  Rather than trying to figure him out, spend some time thinking about what you need.  If you were to spend some time with him to break the ice a bit, what would you be comfortable with as far as where to spend time together, for how long, etc.?

RC

[st4r]

To be honest i wanted to run round there friday and talk but i couldnt, i knew he would feel rejected. And for some reason didnt want to text him the next day in fear of what his reply would be. I would love to spend some time with him in our home but because i didnt go round there friday that will not happen.

[Ozzie101]

As Radcliff said, the flipflopping is all-too familiar. H and I could be getting along great, I could go upstairs and shower and by the time I came back down, he could be in a full-on mood. It's baffling.

For me, I've had to find some semblance of strength and calm within myself. By centering myself and relying more on me for my feelings and moods and not on him, I've been better able to weather the storm when he's upset. And I've found that when I'm firm and calm and not reacting out of fear or anxiety, his rages and moods have lessened in intensity and duration.

Now, that's not to say that would be true in your case, but, regardless, focusing on your needs and your strength is key. No matter what happens, you being OK is vital.

[khibomsis]

Me too, when beloved rages I don't actually think she knows what she is saying. I mean, some important things get communicated but other stuff is pure hogwash. Learning to know the difference is a never -ending battle. Often she will regret/not remember things that were said, or behave as if they were never said. Radical acceptance I say..
Besides which, you are setting boundaries with hubby for maybe the first time in your relationship? You must expect him to make you suffer for it in the beginning. Be firm. Times and places of meeting must be when and where you feel safe. Eventually he will get used to it and behave.

How are you stabilizing? Are you still in a lot of pain? Your stability is important so hope you are taking good care of you

[st4r]

Thank you for sound advice all makes sense and helps.I am absorbing myself into work and my family. Today feeling stronger i never know how i feel at this moment in time, anger, hurt, love, insecure. I will get there , thank you all for being there.

[Radcliff]

I'm glad you're feeling stronger today.  I've got two rather different thoughts to share...

The first is whether it might be worthwhile for you to reach out to him a bit, perhaps by saying something like, "I'll be eating lunch at X today, perhaps you'd like to join me," or "I'm doing some grocery shopping this evening and can drop some by the house if you'd like."  Don't expect success or show any disappointment with him if he does't take you up on it (saying "no" has to be easy for him to feel safe).

The second thought is that when you were in your house with him before, he spat in your face, smashed your phone, and went to hit you.  This is not behavior you can be exposed to.  Figuring out how to have boundaries with a partner who has done this, and figuring out if the relationship can become a safe one is a very big challenge.  What are your thoughts on protecting yourself from abuse?

RC