unreasonable borderline behavior

[sunny days]

Hi everyone, I'm feeling sad and lonely after a hard day with my husband who was diagnosed with borderline and narcissism. I think that only people who live with this can possibly understand how hurtful and confusing this behavior can be. First he frightened me on the road by doing some dumb illegal moves. I know a sense of entitlement is one of the symptoms also being aggressive behind the wheel. Then we got home and I have been asking for us to put our outside  cushions away in the garage because it is going to freeze. He didn't want to do it so I asked when. He started to swear and I walked away because I know to not fight with him when he gets like this. We have  this fight every year and I know if I put them away myself he will get mad because I will have put them in the wrong place. He has he's stuff all over the place and is almost a hoarder with the emotions behind it. It makes me very sad that a natural impulse like putting my cushions in the garage is something I have to curtail. We are told not to be invalidating but isn't that what is done to us. When I try to explain why a behavior is hurtful I'm not listened to, and because he is a verbal person I'm also told why I am wrong for having these feelings. I'm afraid I sound like a little un liberated
mouse. I'm most certainly not but I have been groomed by my childhood to be in this predicament now. I have stopped the bleeding in my home but to not feel pain and hurt by the behavior is not something I can do. I would love to hear any advice or a story I can  relate to.
Thanks so much for being here!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I have been groomed by my childhood to be in this predicament now.

how do you mean?

[sunny days]

My childhood was mostly controlled by an angry father who probably could have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and a depressive mom who had a hard time being a fully developed person. I felt like an after thought in a very unhappy marriage with resentment and psychological warfare being the norm. I hated my dad most of the time. I'm now marriage to a man with BPD and NPD. My therapist says you marry someone like your father and I did in many ways. What interests me more now is how I can stop relating to my husband like I did with my father, the angry, rebellious teenager or the hurt, scarred child. In other words stop being like my mother and develop into a grown up who can make her own decisions and not be so reactive. My brother killed himself about 10 years ago and both of my parents are now dead. I have a sister who doesn't leave her house unless she goes to the store. She suffers from episodes of psychosis and paranoia I have been told can be brought on by severe depression. We have all suffered. Thank you for reading my thread it has taken me sometime to respond. 

[Radcliff]

You are embarking on a journey of personal growth that will help you lead a better life.  I, too, started to reach out for help when my body began talking to me through stress related symptoms.  One book you may be interested in is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

You can learn coping skills here that will help you feel stronger and more able to protect yourself.  Many of us came out of families where we didn't have good boundaries.  Starting to learn how to use boundaries can be a game changer for us.  Take a look at this link on setting boundaries.  Can you think of one or two places in your relationship where you'd like better boundaries?

RC

[sunny days]

Hi Radcliff and everyone else,
Thanks for your feedback, this is  the first time I have used a website like this and it has been a game changer. I have the book you recommended on hold at my library. I can't wait to read it. Funny enough it will be coming in at the place I work, the Library!  For a second I thought about co-workers seeing it and then thought who cares. My BPD NPD H is the one who cares about keeping up appearances not me. I just read the link  someone posted from Pete Walker on complex PTSD. I didn't realize that I had been suffering from this. What a relief to have that information. I have been in therapy for years but so much of what I needed was left out. I feel like I'm learning the language I needed all this time! I could use a million metaphors but turning on a light in the dark is good enough. You asked me about a couple of boundaries I would like to work on and I know exactly what they are because I am already achieving them. I told my husband in a fight, no I didn't do it in a healthy way but I'm working on it. I've seen others say they are fighting fire with fire and I understand. For me its a back log of his manipulations and my fear of abandonment. I can honestly say that is changing. I feel like he has controlled me through   punishment when I "stepped out of line" by giving me the silent treatment. I have always looked at him to see if he is happy or upset. I wasn't like that in my other relationship and feel that over time I have been trained.  Now I come first but I have also been too strident in some ways. He can be a lovely person and has done many nice things for me.  Most important is to get ME back and that freedom I felt existing for myself. If he is disappointed because I'm going out with friends too bad.  He would cling to me 24/7  if I let him and makes it very hard for me to do things on my own. More autonomy is basically what I'm saying. Anyway thanks so much for the wonderful work everyone is doing.

[sunny days]

Hi Everyone,
Here is something that has been on my mind. My husband was diagnosed with BPD and my Dad more then likely had it too. I think I suffer from some of the same characteristics. I see us described as nons on this site but in reality I could have a PD like BPD also but maybe less on the spectrum.  I also am co-dependent but my question is how often are two BPDs together and is that also fairly common? I know my husband believes this and says he also feels like he walks on eggshells. I'm not always easy I know that's for sure. Thanks for any feedback. I'ts great to have such a reliable resource.

[once removed]

Here is something that has been on my mind. My husband was diagnosed with BPD and my Dad more then likely had it too. I think I suffer from some of the same characteristics. I see us described as nons on this site but in reality I could have a PD like BPD also but maybe less on the spectrum.  I also am co-dependent but my question is how often are two BPDs together and is that also fairly common? I know my husband believes this and says he also feels like he walks on eggshells. I'm not always easy I know that's for sure. Thanks for any feedback. I'ts great to have such a reliable resource.

its a good, thoughtful, and helpful question. "non" is really just slang that i might use to distinguish between myself as the "non disordered" partner. it does not necessarily indicate a lack of any issue on my end.

the short answer is that a lot of us bring baggage into our relationships. i brought more than my share of mine. it took me a few years to really, fully see, even after wed broken up.

i think that seeing that is one of the most helpful things we can do when it comes to rehabilitating the relationship. dysfunctional dynamics in a relationship really require two peoples participation. its not at all to say we arent doing our best...all of us in our relationships love our partner, and are trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

it doesnt mean we are always doing it in the healthiest, or most practical way. thats okay. thats what we are here to learn, right?

so thats the really the most helpful thing you can do with these questions, is to ask them, and explore them in greater detail. are you getting therapeutic support for yourself? have you considered exploring some of your personal background on the Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board?

[sunny days]

Thank you Once Removed for your thoughtful answer. I have been in therapy in the past and do feel like it's time for me to go back. I have a friend who is going to give me a recommendation. I haven't been on the other boards yet but will give them a look also. Right now I'm  very sad for being  destructive in my marriage. We just can't get along and he is out of surgery and needs my support. All of the cracks are being exposed that when in times of calm stay more hidden. I'm rebelling against everything and can't seem to control my anger. My parents fought through most of my childhood and  anger is my default emotion when I'm scared or disappointed or hurt by him. Did they raise a girl or a pit bull? I feel like I have failed when my husband needed me most. Of course he is hard to be around right now but it doesn't negate my disappointment in myself. Basically It's hard for me to be vulnerable and sometimes when I try to be he rejects me anyway. What a mess. Thanks for your time.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of those difficulties.  Feeling scared and getting quickly angry is a painful pattern to be stuck in, but mindfulness and other tools can help us to break the pattern.  Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), which could also be thought of as skills training, is based on four pillars:  distress tolerance, emotional regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness.  It can help us learn to break the hard-wired patterns.  You've got awareness of issues as well as a motivation to change, which could contribute to DBT making a difference for you.  Does it sound like something you'd be interested in exploring?

RC

[sunny days]

Hi Radcliff,
Thanks for your reply. I would be interested in learning more about DPT. I'll see if there is a therapist  who specializes in this near  me. I'm having a hard time feeling anything but extreme fatigue  for anything my husband does that feels like being corrected or belittled. I know I'm giving my power away but I'm very upset that I'm dealing with the same things that hurt me when I was a child. I realize that is usually how it works until you heal yourself but it still feels rotten. Sometimes life just keeps handing out bad news until the pendulum swings the other way again.  Radical acceptance needs to be applied here. A therapist I wanted is not accepting new clients, a friend stood me up, a sick dog that is not going to get better, health insurance mess up.  I'm embarrassing myself for my inability to feel grateful today. This is also the time of year my mom died. I can always feel it. Thanks for letting me vent.

[sunny days]

Hi Everyone,
I've been reading a lot on this site and learning how similar my "stuff" is to the other posts. I think it's important to make myself more at peace with my life  and the rest will fall into place much easier. I did find a new therapist and will see her next week. I usually berate myself for not having healthier ways of coping  by now. I went to Co-dependent 12 step programs back in the 90's. I knew I was too emotionally dependent in my relationships starting with my friendships with other girls when I was a child. I can't think of a time I didn't struggle with loneliness and low self esteem. I'm someone who needs support for these deep seated issues  and that's OK. It's easier to blame others for my unhappiness instead of doing the work to become a better grown-up. Being an adult has always been a struggle for me and lately when I'm doing something I don't want to do I say to myself this is what a grown up would do and It makes it easier. Thanks for your time.

[sunny days]

Hi Everyone,
Happy Thanksgiving. The holidays bring up a lot of things but I'm trying to get through them without too much reflection on the past. I've had times in my life that felt easier and just flowed but that isn't where I am now. Part of it can be chalked up to getting older and going through menopause and the loss of youth that it brings, family members that are no longer here, and the awareness of time marching on. I look at younger woman and envy them. It seemed like I had more support systems in place then. Of course it could just be a low grade depression. Another is old patterns that don't work for me anymore. I started seeing a new therapist and she described it as a creek that has followed a certain direction my whole life and now I have to create a new pathway. It isn't going to be easy but I can't go back. It's a growth spurt that brings havoc. I told her I wasn't a victim and can be a nasty person too. She said good because I'm not a doormat!
My husband finds ways to discount me around the house by correcting me or belittling me. I then hit the roof and from the outside it may look like I'm crazy but I have great clarity and can see the crappy undermining that is going on in my marriage. The movie Gaslight was on yesterday and it was too painful to watch. Why does someone need control in a marriage? Anyway I'm learning how to take care of myself and not feel the need to scorch the earth while I'm doing it. Very hard stuff but all about me feeling stronger in my own life. My own values are becoming the most important thing for me to focus on. I never had a clear enough sense of myself and let more dominate people run the show. I'm hopeful I can use the tools I am learning. I have better clarity just not great follow up. Thanks for listening.   

[Radcliff]

I think all of us have trouble being adults sometimes ;)
How have you been doing lately?

RC

[sunny days]

Hi Radcliff and Everyone,
I'm doing  well. We got through X-mas without any drama but are cautious with each other. I feel somewhat isolated and vulnerable when I share with most of my friends about my life  and don't feel like they  understand what I'm going through. My therapist says I am probably oversharing and should rein it in. I just watched a video with Brene Brown on this topic and am  somewhat disheartened by my lack of positive support.This is a goal of mine for 2020. It seems like it's up to me to make my life better and I can no longer blame anyone else for my unhappiness. I'm empowered but scared by this realization. Reading about co-dependent behavior has been very helpful.  Finding a non judgmental support system is why I'm here. I wish there were BPL support groups in town but I'm happy that there is an on-line presence. It's up to me how I  respond to everything in my life, and now I'm strengthening this emotional muscle. The more I learn the more my depression is lifting. I can see the benefits already. I'm optimistic for the future. Wishing everyone a Happy New Year! 

[Radcliff]

That's great to hear that your holidays went well and you're feeling good about things!  You said that you want to increase your positive support and do other things to make your life better in 2020.  Those are great goals.  What kinds of things do you have in mind?

RC

[sunny days]

Hi Radcliff,
Mainly I'm looking for more social outlets in town. My family has passed away and my friends live in other areas. I tend to be shy and it seems the older I get the harder it is for me to meet new people. I'm trying to join a book club and there are some good 12 step programs in this city. My therapist suggested yoga and something that would be creative, such as an art class. I think the main goal is to keep growing as an individual and not to be so emotionally wrapped up in what my husband feels about anything. He is a person who is  anxious and not very peaceful a lot of the time. I can feel myself internalizing  his negative energy and then I resent him for it. This is my co-dependency. Anyway I know I'm on the right path and believe I can face the challenges ahead of me. Thanks for everyone taking the time to share their stories. We are helping each other by reaching out.