Son's drug addiction is getting worse

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am still in Africa (three more weeks) but my DH is in the US trying to do what he can with our son. Although DS was drug free when he left jail he has now gone back to using. H says it is oxycodone. He went to court yesterday and pled to a felony. There are things he has to do in order to stay out of jail on probation and have a chance of getting his record expunged in a year. These things include cooperating with law enforcement as an informant and complying with the terms of his probation which of course means no drugs. Either he goes to rehab now or he is on his way to several years in prison
 H is going to see S now and ask him to go with him to a drug program literally 4 blocks from his apartment. I will know later today if he went. I am really trying to practice radical acceptance and not kid myself about how serious this is and how real the possibility is that he is still not ready for help and may be on his way to prison. At the same time, as long as he is still alive I will keep hoping. Does anyone have any wisdom to share?

[FaithHopeLove]

I am still in Africa (three more weeks) but my DH is in the US trying to do what he can with our son. Although DS was drug free when he left jail he has now gone back to using. H says it is oxycodone. He went to court yesterday and pled to a felony. There are things he has to do in order to stay out of jail on probation and have a chance of getting his record expunged in a year. These things include cooperating with law enforcement as an informant and complying with the terms of his probation which of course means no drugs. Either he goes to rehab now or he is on his way to several years in prison
 H is going to see S now and ask him to go with him to a drug program literally 4 blocks from his apartment. I will know later today if he went. I am really trying to practice radical acceptance and not kid myself about how serious this is and how real the possibility is that he is still not ready for help and may be on his way to prison. At the same time, as long as he is still alive I will keep hoping. Does anyone have any wisdom to share?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

I am sorry, Faith. I know the time is dark right now.  It is good you and your DH are in accord.  You both will give him a choice.  If he chooses no  , he won’t get help, write down in your journal what you would like to do next for him.  If it is to rescue him, write what that would look like.  For him. For you and DH.  Then write down what not rescuing him from himself would look like for you all.  Don’t forget all you have done for your son to get him this far: you bravely evicted him out when he was immersing you and your house into that lifestyle, etc. write down all the times you both helped. Get the full scope of it all out on paper. For me ,sometimes I truly have to write a list of pros and cons down on paper. It helps to get it out of your head and put it down concretely. It helps me to think  and listen to my gut. 

I now it is sickening almost that he is back on drugs, but remember it may take many tries for him before he can stay clean. 

[twocrazycats]

Faith, I don't have wisdom, but I am praying for you and for your S.

2CC

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you for your prayers 2C

Swimmy, Right now my boundaries are firm but I fear my husband's are not. When he was visiting me in Africa last month he even talked about wanting to let DS move back with us. I convinced him of the insanity of that idea but the fact he even brought it up shook me. When I reminded him yesterday that we must be both united and firm he waffled. Maybe writing everything out will help him get there. I don't know. He is in rescue mode. Sigh.

[FaithHopeLove]

I just sent my husband the following email:
My dear
When we last talked on the phone about C I told you that we must both be firm with our boundaries. Your response was not exactly firm. So I thought it might help to paint a picture.

Here are C's choices that I suggest writing down for him.
1. Go for drug treatment and get a job
 We will help with rent (up to $1300 mo)
2. Don't go for treatment or get a job. We will not help financially. He will deal with the consequences whether homelessness or jail.

Here are our choices if he refuses treatment
1. Rescue him by paying his rent. At first it may be gratifying because we will kmow he has a place to live. But it will mean financing an addict. It will be a huge financial drain that will interfere with us enjoying our retirement together and be horrible for our marriage. C will get the message that our no means nothing. We have no boundaries. We live to serve him. Unless his probation officer gets through to him (doubtful if we are enabling) he will spiral downwards still blaming us for everything. He will probably end up in prison.

2. Stand firm and don't rescue him. No money. No moving back in with us. It will hurt a lot because we will see him quickly run out of money and maybe get evicted from his apartment and be homeless either staying with one of his so called friends or in a homeless shelter. His stuff, including his precious glass,  will either end up in the trash or storage somewhere. We will not pay storage fees. He may go back to dealing. This will be painful for us. But he will know our no means no. We have boundaries. He has limits. This MIGHT wake him up and motivate him to go for treatment. If it doesn't he will likely end up back in jail where he will detox and likely do some time. That MIGHT lead to him turning his life around. There are no guarantees but at least there is a chance.

So I think the question to ask is what is the truly loving option? Is it number 1 where we get to feel good for a little while before it all crashes down anyway or is it 2 which is harder but at least stands a chance at saving his life?

[Swimmy55]

Modify the question at the end and ask " what is the best option, the most life affirming choice for all of us?"  You and DH count as much as your DS.  
I am going to get very real with you  and this may be triggering . You are facing a catastrophe vs a disaster with a percentage of some hope at the end of a long journey. Maybe. No guarantees.  :

Flesh out Choice #1 about rescuing him from his possible  choice of no therapy.  Include everything about that lifestyle being around you all, not just your son.  List everything either here, your journal, but list every detail. Your son's Dual diagnosis is not just the illnesses involved but also the whole lifestyle that goes with it as well.  What would all of that look like for you ?  What has it looked like up to this point?  In the past 6 months he was in crisis a few times, once  to the point of holding a loaded gun up to his head in your home. He has destroyed your  property, he has called all hours of the night cursing you.  This does not count him dealing from your home in the past.  Etc Etc

Look at your choice number 2 with eyes wide open.  You have mentioned he may go back into dealing.  This is harsh, but he most likely is already doing that now.  Whatever he was doing that landed him in his current situation is what he is most likely continuing doing.  Please use critical thinking ( very very hard to do with our sons).  Think where his current $$ is coming from, including the 10K that he paid you back with.  Don't get me wrong, him paying you back was the wisest , most life affirming thing he has done . However, face the real possibility he is probably already back in it( the life) up to his eyeballs , truth be told.  Follow the facts, what you see, not what he says.  
It is easy for me to talk, I know.  I am saying this as much for me as for you, for I am most positive I will be facing this sitch with my DS in a matter of time, if he doesn't die first.  I almost collapsed when I forced myself to be hands off when he got his DUI in college - and that was child's play compared to this.  

No matter what, do not doubt your strength or resilience.  Take all of this in as you sort this out.   We are here with you.

[Swimmy55]

I know your post was about what your wrote to your DH.  I feel terrible I had to add some more stark stuff to the picture, but just look at all possibilities with the sharpest of eyes for your family.

[FaithHopeLove]

Swimmy you did not say anything I do not already know or suspect. Just to be clear I already sent the email to my husband as is and we talked on the phone today about next steps. DS may or may not be dealing but I do know he had 30K in the bank before he was arrested and he paid me back right after he got out so that is not proof he is dealing now. I don't think I am in denial. I just know how informants work. I am not comfortable going into more detail here but I have reason to seriously doubt he is back in the game at this point. Using is another story. He definitely is doing that. Today DH had a talk with DS. H (former parole and probation officer) told S that his PO will assign him to a drug program which may or may not be good so it is to his advantage to go to the one where H has connections now so he can tell he PO he is already in treatment. S agreed. Does that mean he will follow through? Who knows? Neither my H or I control that. We are just doing our best. We know our son may die and if he does we will need to know we did our best. On the other hand he may recover one day and that will be glorious. I keep coming back to the Serenity Prayer. I accept what I cannot change. I change what I can with courage. Don't worry. There is nothing you can say to me that is worse than what I already know. There is also no miracle I am prepared to discount. People have recovered. While there are no guarantees there is still the real possibility he will be one.

 

[wendydarling]

Faith, writing it down, the options is so important to help not only you both to keep on track daily (things are moving fast) but also to explore the long term options, strategy for your H and you, as you do.

As LnL says sometimes we have to sit on our hands, fill our cup. Togetherness.

Your H's rescue tendencies are strong from what you share, it is hard. If I was in his position I'd truly appreciate your email, keeping me to centre, cos that is what your son needs. Balance.

What news do you and H have?

Day by day.

WDx  

[FaithHopeLove]

H just texted to say he and DS went to the rehab facility and S signed up for an intake consultation to take place Nov..4. Son also agreed to a joint session with H and his therapist. H told son we will help with rent if he follows through on the program and gets a job. We are taking it one day at a time
 

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear your son's drug addiction is getting worse. I know I have said this before, that motivational interviewing has been known for many years as the most effective series of interventions, ways of talking to people with drug and alcohol addictions, that can help them to get motivated to help themselves. Anybody can learn it, and it could really help you and your husband to talk in ways that your son might hear what you have to say.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders