My own worst enemy

[badknees1]

Wife of 35 years diagnoed with BPD and depression. She refuses therapy. She displays most of the signs. We have a very chaotic hard life. At this point she blames me for ruining our marriage and her life. She is miserable. I admit that this is is true to some extant but of course the untreated BPD does not help. We have a sexless marraige and the good times are farther and farther apart. I am really pushing myself to change the anger I have, the avoiding I do etc my bad habits that harm her. Be the romantic hero she hoped for but has disaaponted her or many years. I doubt who I am now, am I the Monster see she cannot depend on? I try...I am in therapy, take BPD loved one support classes by NAMI..pray etc..But it seems I am my own worst enemy. My patience wears thin with her especially when I am tired or feeling low myself etc. . Her tirades against me hurt so much. I recoil from her and hurt, wanting distance which of course makes her feel abandoned. I seem unable to get out of my own way, but I always end up with me again, angering and hurting her. I seem to be only making things worse for her. It's almost as though leaving her would be the best for her, but it would not, would it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Bk of course not. If you were depressed and down you would want to know that your partner of 35 years has got your back. I would!
At the same time, have you communicated with her that if you are in therapy and she is not, the likelihood of you growing apart is quite high?Therapy changes us, we become new people through doing the healing work, and if she is not willing to change with you then indeed she is lining up hard times for herself. I mean even if you were technically still married you would not be together in values and outlook. That is why often our partners are threatened when we start to grow and change.  Maybe if you could find a quiet moment where she is open to communication this would be something to raise in a very non-threatening way?
When my uBPDgf goes on a rant I do try to listen quite carefully. Important things often come out during dysregulation, things she is too scared/nervous to talk about otherwise (maybe for fear of rejection?). One does have to listen quite carefully because of course it gets communicated through a BPD lens. Over time I have learnt to ask her: what is it really? What is bothering you? What is the cause of this anxiety? Often just the question is enough to stop a rage and get her talking normally. Weird way of communicating I know but communication at any price I say.
At the same time I tell myself this is not about me. Yes, we get projected upon and when she rages it is "khib this and khib that". But as I tell myself this is not about me and try and get deeper into it often it turns out to be something quite specific which has caused the dysregulation and we can get to the root of it and change the cause. Sometimes it is indeed about me - I am not perfect and very much not so lately - and then I can validate quite justly which pleases her no end. I can think of at least once (probably many occasions) where I saved the relationship simply by saying with sincerity "yes, you are right, I was an a--hole in that situation. I am sorry!". Whether it was the first time her life anybody had validated I don't know but it turned things right around. Of course it is a given that this has to be done without FOG, one can only validate what is true.
A stance of deep listening while not attaching to ego is really hard and so I practice it a lot in meditation and prayer. With a firm belief in miracles  
 It would help the depression at least if she could be tempted out with you for walks, maybe join you in prayer? Don't phrase it as "do this for your illness" but simply as in "I would like your company", "I need you to be with me in this". Remind her that she is loved and intimacy will follow.  
Good luck , you are doing great getting into therapy and support group, I am sure with time you will have a handle on this life crisis.

[badknees1]

Thank you very much!

[CHChuck]

Aspects of your story strike a chord with me...To let you know you are not along.  Ironically, it's been 30 years for me and things are taking a turn for the worse. I'm not sure if I'm resentful of the lost years I spent chasing her happiness or if it's the fact that my therapist is teaching me to set limits.

As I said, I spent 30 years trying to make-up for my mistakes.  "Maybe if I do x, she will finally love me the way I think she should." Maybe I should not expect her to love me that way at all...She allows me to live in her house and is happy with me as long as I don't call her on her criticisms.

I've often blamed myself as being "very hard to live with." On the rare occasions I was able to leave the house, she would complain about the mines I had left for her.  "For every complaint, there are 1000 things I do not point out."  Sex...hah.. That stopped for the most part after a year...maybe even sooner.

Still, during the good times, the connection we feel is remarkable. I, personally, am working to establish independence so that I am able to set limits and enforce them. About 12 years ago, I suggested the day's therapy appointment would focus on how we tell our children we were going to split. Remarkable, she completely changed that day...Slowly, over the years, we have slipped back into our old roles.  This time, I know what to call her part in it.

I guess I'm saying, I've been there, blaming myself. When I begin to think I am the cause of the problems, I think about what my adult children and others to spend time with us would say. I also think about how accepting I am of her.  Remember what makes up a healthy adult relationship and think about who is bringing those traits to the marriage.

Then, think about what expectations you are willing to change to be happy with the relationship. I am just starting this journey and I may be absolutely off base.  However, for me, something has got to change. I hope this is it.

[badknees1]

Thank you!