Parent with BPD - newly married to partner with father who has NPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, first time poster and sharing about my situation. I was recently told my my therapist that I exhibit traits of emotional neglect, and didn’t really put two and two together until now that my mom’s borderline traits had that big of an impact on me growing up. I am trying to accept that this was part of my reality and having a hard time doing so. I am still in a relationship with my mom but do not share any emotionally intimate details with her (positive or negative) because fear that she wouldn’t be able to handle them, explode, or tell me what I am feeling is wrong. I am also recently married to my wife who has a Parent with narcissistic personality disorder, and her parent is also very homophobic and not accepting of our same sex relationship/ marriage. She still wants to have a relationship with the other members of her family but to do that she often has to choose whether to see them over me, since in the past I have not been allowed to join. We are stuck at a point where I don’t want to be put on the back burner for her to have a relationship with her family, and she agrees that she doesn’t want that; but she is torn between deciding between giving them time to come around or committing fully to our lives together without them. In short, I want to be able to emotionally connect better with my wife without worrying that my emotions will be too much to handle because of her family rejection, and I want to be able to connect with my mom and am afraid that she won’t be able to handle any unpleasant emotion that I might have, since that has been the pattern before.

[TheMiddleWay]

Hi, first time poster and sharing about my situation. I was recently told my my therapist that I exhibit traits of emotional neglect, and didn’t really put two and two together until now that my mom’s borderline traits had that big of an impact on me growing up. I am trying to accept that this was part of my reality and having a hard time doing so. I am still in a relationship with my mom but do not share any emotionally intimate details with her (positive or negative) because fear that she wouldn’t be able to handle them, explode, or tell me what I am feeling is wrong. I am also recently married to my wife who has a Parent with narcissistic personality disorder, and her parent is also very homophobic and not accepting of our same sex relationship/ marriage. She still wants to have a relationship with the other members of her family but to do that she often has to choose whether to see them over me, since in the past I have not been allowed to join. We are stuck at a point where I don’t want to be put on the back burner for her to have a relationship with her family, and she agrees that she doesn’t want that; but she is torn between deciding between giving them time to come around or committing fully to our lives together without them. In short, I want to be able to emotionally connect better with my wife without worrying that my emotions will be too much to handle because of her family rejection, and I want to be able to connect with my mom and am afraid that she won’t be able to handle any unpleasant emotion that I might have, since that has been the pattern before.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi TheMiddleWay Thanks for sharing your story. You offered so much to unpack. I know you must be overwhelmed.

I am trying to accept that this was part of my reality and having a hard time doing so.

This is so tough and it sounds pretty normal. When did you start therapy? For many, these realizations come in waves and take years to sort through. Be patient, you're doing great.

I am still in a relationship with my mom but do not share any emotionally intimate details with her (positive or negative) because fear that she wouldn’t be able to handle them, explode, or tell me what I am feeling is wrong.

This is probably a really smart decision. When did you make it and why? What led up to it?

We are stuck at a point where I don’t want to be put on the back burner for her to have a relationship with her family, and she agrees that she doesn’t want that; but she is torn between deciding between giving them time to come around or committing fully to our lives together without them.

Ugh. I have in-law issues too. It really sucks to watch your spouse's heart break, know it's because of you, know their treatment and behavior is wrong, and love your spouse and want healthy relationships all around. It would make life so much easier if the family accepted you. If they don't, you two have a potentially long road ahead of you. I encourage you to look at the parts you have control over. One you mentioned was your own guilt and fear of being too much, feelings that are probably a byproduct of being a child of a pwBPD. Focus on this part. With the help of a therapist I have no doubt that you'll work to learn healthy ways of relating to your spouse.

I want to be able to connect with my mom and am afraid that she won’t be able to handle any unpleasant emotion that I might have, since that has been the pattern before.

You've listed a few things you're navigating at the same time. One thing that's worked for me is to prioritize what I want to work on first. Is that possible in your situation?

Keep talking, TMW

pj