Latent Shame

[Depression = 72% of members]

I find that I feel so tired, I survived the impossible but I am not interested enough in telling my story, going on Oprah, calling the enquirer, finding lawyers to avenge my inner child's soul.

You know something? I learned so much from abuse. I learned I don't care about people's job titles, their money, these things cant save them. I learned to believe in my imagination, to see innocence in some of the most atrocious acts led by what were actually overgrown children unable to live an adult life and trying to kill children and their spirits in the process of destroying themselves

I've always been afraid of becoming like them, but being like them doesnt live in the horrible acts I keep trying not to do. Its in being afraid of myself.

My parents taught me to be afraid of me.

And that, is really confusing for me to deal with

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

I find that I feel so tired, I survived the impossible but I am not interested enough in telling my story, going on Oprah, calling the enquirer, finding lawyers to avenge my inner child's soul.

You know something? I learned so much from abuse. I learned I don't care about people's job titles, their money, these things cant save them. I learned to believe in my imagination, to see innocence in some of the most atrocious acts led by what were actually overgrown children unable to live an adult life and trying to kill children and their spirits in the process of destroying themselves

I've always been afraid of becoming like them, but being like them doesnt live in the horrible acts I keep trying not to do. Its in being afraid of myself.

My parents taught me to be afraid of me.

And that, is really confusing for me to deal with

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back. It has been a while.

I've always been afraid of becoming like them, but being like them doesnt live in the horrible acts I keep trying not to do. Its in being afraid of myself.

My parents taught me to be afraid of me.

[/u]
Oh yes.  What do you fear about yourself?

The biggest sorrow I have about all the abuse is what I know about human nature and me in particular.  I have had to confront parts of me, things I am capable of, thoughts I have had that I don't think most people have.  I think most people do not have to confront many aspects of their own humanity.  My choices are my salvation though.  There is sorrow but great strength there as well.

Is that part of what you fear?  Some of the thoughts you have?  I don't want to go off on too much of a tangent here.

I hope to hear more from you.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

I have a part of me that deeply hates themselves. I dont feel I hate myself, but it lives within me, and it pops out during times that I'm vulnerable like...unconscious times like when I am just waking up, or tired. I know everyone has an inner critic, but because my experiences were so scary as a child, mine utilizes horrible visions too.

Im working on ignoring this , but not sure what to do.

[Harri]

So the highly critical voice shows up when you are more vulnerable to attack than usual?  If so, that happens to me too.  It is the times when I am not feeling well, tired, stressed, etc when it is hardest to fight off the conditioning from the past and the shame can be pretty high.

The best way I know to deal with the shame is to talk about what you feel shamed about.  Not keeping things secret no matter how dark they may be.  Share with safe people in a controlled environment like here.

I am not sure ignoring the voice will work.  What do you tell yourself?  Are you able, in the moment, to link it to being tired, stressed, etc and say this happens when I feel like this and it will pass.  The inner critic is going to be especially jerk-like at these times and it is telling me lies and distorting things?

[Ramhorn]

Shame is something that I am very familiar with. I am not sure if mine looks/feels/smells the same as yours, but I hope I can add something here.

My shame has a couple different shapes. The big one is the pure dread and turning of everything inside you when you screw something up, for me it’s the idea that I hurt someone. You can know that I completely loath everything I am. And I have found that I take credit for way too many people’s feelings. The second large manifestation of my shame is ruminations. This is a newer idea to me, so I’m still exploring all ins and outs. But, it’s the times when I just rerun the mental film on the aforementioned shameful events. This can happen when I’m reminded or just cause I was driving and it came to me. The third big impact I’ve found is the foundation of my self image is infested with shame. Because I was taught that I wasn’t worthwhile as a kid, no one can prove to me that I am. Or at least they haven’t been able to so far.  So when a situation could even suggest that I wasn’t perfect, I am automatically thinking through all the things I did wrong.

I have found, for me, that ignoring the shame is not healthy or effective long term. No matter how nice I built my personality, the foundation was always compromised.  The shame would ultimately bubble up and blow up whatever idea of myself I tried to develop. And the only thing I had to fall back on was my shame-filled foundation.

The thing that I have found to help and subsequently the thing that I am struggling to do is sitting down in my bull crap and seeing what is correct and what is lies. It’s a slow and tedious process. What I try to do is:

• Pay attention to my inter-dialogue in shameful situations.  What am I saying? Is it correct?
• After I have finished reacting to the trigger, run through the situation looking for things that I might have misunderstood. Did they say something out of character? Could they be mad at something else? Etc.
• Once I think I have myself under control, I will plan out what I need to say/do to bring healthy resolution to the situation.

Mindfulness and meditation have been very helpful in being able to hear what I’m actually telling myself.

Ignoring hasn’t been helpful for me. It just poisoned me. I’ve been trying to beat it back every time it comes. I’m not sure yet if it will eventually stop the shame coming so strong and often, but I have seen enough growth in trying to break it down that I am writing it in this post.

I want to reassure you that whatever lies and bull crap you got sold, it’s not true. Whether you believe me or not, you’re not the person they have said you are. And you don’t need to live into that idea of who you are either. You are able to re-pour your foundation.  You can tell the scared kid that he/she is actually worth being loved. The truth is that you deserve love and to be treated well. Your voice is important and you are needed.

I want to say some hopeful thing that sounds great but honestly, I think the journey maybe a lifelong one. But I do believe that we both have the opportunity to free ourselves from shame and it seems like we are both trying to capitalize on it.

Keep grinding. It will get better.