Dear beautiful crumblingcastles,
My first words to you is that you are enough. You have always been enough and there isn't a person on this earth that can take that away from you.
I feel stuck in this awful relationship because:
All of the things you listed are valid, but changeable. First and foremost, take back the feeling of power. My uBPDh is similar, and the threats and words have become worse over the years. And, I too have felt stuck, abused and not valued. He hasn't changed, the situation has gotten better, and the answer was my view and reaction.
You have been together a long time, 19 years. In your business are you part of it (partnership) or has he pushed you out? Did you ever prepare any paperwork? Marriage, good/bad/ugly affords some type of legal bind, and depending on the state that you live in perhaps you are 'common law'. With these answers you may have some 'power'. Did you sign the lease together for your place? (or is he the only one ?). If you signed it you have some legal standing.
Here's what I did under the same type of circumstances that you are in; I was prepared to leave. I had no where to go, no money, no support, except with the Domestic Violence YWCA and here (my church was of no use). I spent hours in the DV unit, understanding what financial abuse was and emotional abuse and control. He was threatening all kinds of violence, but it was all in his words. I then decided that if I were to live like this (not living) I'd take a chance with a leap of faith. When he came into the house one day and said "What do you want in the amount of money so I can get rid of you?". I sat down and said, it's not about the money. Thank you for all that you have helped me with, I will be leaving here as soon as I can pack my important things (I had a storage unit rented). He broke down, and for the first time dropped his BPD to talk from his heart. I drew a line in the sand that day. He knew at that point I'd taken my power back. It's scary, but I'd do it again, and perhaps with different results.
It's important to take steps to take care of yourself. Financial freedom is important. Do you have credit cards? Do you have a separate account? Have you thought of looking for a job? This could be the catalyst you need to stand on your own.
Today, I'm still with my uBPDh. There are times that are good, and times that I remember the resolve I made a few years ago. The option is mine, not his. I am ready to put my things into boxes and head for the womens shelter. There are many programs out there, and the Y is a great resource.
I too quit my job to help my husband with his. Lot's of promises that we were doing it together, and times that I felt that it would work. Then one day, he decided to pull the plug, and didn't want my help. I decided to go back to school to get my Masters and Coaching Certificate. Instead of relying on him, I would rather rely on my own power. I am working towards that freedom.
As others have mentioned, you are not alone. I hope that this helps. Sorry I've rambled on and on, but you have definitely touched me with your story.
Stand strong, because you have a whole family here behind you.
Strength and love.
