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Author Topic: Grandbaby in a bar at 5pm I feel like I am breaking down  (Read 553 times)
Blueskyday
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« on: October 30, 2019, 12:58:06 PM »

Ohh my lord,
Its half term in the UK.
I got home from work and my Grandbaby sent me a snapchat.
I am still not allowed to call or see my daughter.

I snapped back a little something but its getting harder not to ask questions..Is she going to dress up tomorrow for halloween eg..She was supposed to be here.  I don't know if I am allowed to see her or what to say if I do.

She said she was at the beach with her Mum's friend and her Mum. So I ask are you having fun?

She sent a picture of a bar and said they are just talking..do you want to play a game?

When I said I couldn't ( I cant focus) she said I will leave if you want me to..OMG, I can't take this level of stress. I said no! I want to chat to you.

She was glad she said and within a minute or 2 said .."I have to go."

Her Mother will trail around and then take her to the only place she can drink for dinner.. A " day out" inevitably ends with her so drunk she's slurring.

I am totally devastated tonight. I was so stressed at work. A colleague I barely know told me how tired I seem bless her.

I am broken in two. I am pining for the child..I want to see her but I don't know how to achieve that without placing the child in the middle.

When she told me not to contact her she said you need to arrange to see the child through snapchat..She is 8..I can't do that.

All the while my daughter knows I am very ill and returning to the breast clinic. i am losing .5 lbs in weight a day despite forcing food into me.

Her behaviour is monstrous
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2019, 01:40:31 PM »

I am so sorry your precious grandchild is caught in the middle of your daughter's disease. It is such a tricky situation for you. Do you think your GD is in physical danger now?
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2019, 02:18:17 PM »

That's the thing Faith, I dont know of she's ok or not.

She drinks to excess every time she drinks. I called her one night in Spring..Same scenario half term. She was so drunk she was slurring. The child was in a restaurant in order that my daughter could buy wine by the bottle.. You can't take children into bars here and get drunk but a restaurant

 will turn a blind eye. She was all alone with the child.

 I ordered her home and she was furious with me..I had no choice but to do it though.

When she won a major competition we went for dinner to celebrate. She drank 2 bottles of wine, I tried to stop her. I took them home and she threw up and took herself to bed. The child just looked at me.

I am so beyond angry and am so stressed. Its too much
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2019, 05:15:33 PM »

That is a tough situation. It is definitely not safe for your granddaughter. Have you thought about calling Child Protective Services or whatever the equivalent is where you live? I know that is a hard decision but maybe it is worth considering. What do you think?
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2019, 09:11:22 PM »

I couldn't do that Faith. There is a severe lack of protective services in the UK. I knew of 2 heroin addicts in an abusive marraige whose children were being violent at school ( girls 6_8 ) The mother was beaten so badly the neighbours interveined.The girls were on a protection register and still not removed from the home.

If this is a sinister diagnosis, if it gets to a point where its likely  I won't be around I may need to reach out to someone.

She would scrubb me out of the child's life if I did this. If this is not a sinister diagnosis then I need to be there. for her.

If I am not going to be around then I will have to make my peace with leaving her to her Mother's devices.

I am very physically weak. I feel myself getting weaker. I slept until midnight which was a blessing. The stress is building so much that my ears are literally ringing. Of course I dont have the opiate in my system and the anxiety is really starting to build.

I watched a really clever chap on youtube describing BPD rage.It makes so much sense.

He describes how the person alienates you then sees your reaction and gets angry. They quite forget that they see a reaction to their behaviour and fear an abandonment.

Or they feel intense anger and look around to find a narrative to explain how they feel. Both of these seem to fit perfectly in my situation.

I have 2 more working days before the weekend..If I hadn't had so much sickness I wouldn't go in but they will try to sack me if I am off again..I have no option but to keep going till I hit some kind of wall.

I am living in a nightmare but I am still putting one foot in front of the other somehow.

I know I am very wrapped up in myself at the moment Faith but I did read that your son is going into treatment. I am very relieved to read that..fingers crossed
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2019, 11:56:56 AM »

I haven't heard a thing from the child . The phone has been off since she sent me the messages. Its appauling.

8 years I have given to supporting her and the child. I am unable to speak to her if the phone is off.

I am so angry..I have no idea what happened or how to continue.

I will never ever forgive my daughter for this. I am facing a complete nightmare next week.
I have not asked her for support, emotional or otherwise.

She has made a difficult situation unbearable. I will never speak to her again
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2019, 01:03:37 PM »

Its far worse than I feared. The child has lost her phone and her Mother has ignored the messages.

I sent a message and the child called. She said its her Mothers phone. I asked to see her Sunday.

I am not myself but I need to see her as we miss eachother so much. My daughter was chipping in on the conversation saying " tell Grandma blah blah blah". It is beyond ridiculous.

I feel so much anger towards her. I can never ever forgive this..That poor innocent child in the middle.

She is being taken to a party tomorrow night which ends at 2am she said..So its an adult party she's being taken to at 8 because there is no sitter..namely me..

I kept the call under 4 minutes becaise hearing my dtr's voice is very upsetting.
I  advised the child I would message when outside her house.

She will tell me what her Mother has said to her..Poor baby
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2019, 01:14:04 PM »

I can feel your very understandable rage at your daughter. Maybe at least for now the best thing would be to focus on your own health. Your granddaughter knows you love her and your daughter is going to do what she does until she is ready to change. The only thing you have control over now is your own self care. As you await the results of your biopsy it is super critical that you be in the best frame of mind possible. Do you think you can give yourself a break and put your mind elsewhere for at least a few days?
 
« Last Edit: November 01, 2019, 02:54:57 PM by FaithHopeLove » Logged
Blueskyday
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« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2019, 02:47:37 PM »

Ohh faith, you mean biopsy!

Yes, I have to switch off now from her.
I am letting go. I do not wish to ever see her or have a relationship with her ever again. I am done!

I realised the child initially said they were going to a bar Sunday . So although I can see the child she is going out  so will be drinking again fgs.

I had not been given a time to take the child home. I can't pick her up until 2pm as they will be out till 2am tomorrow night.

I emailed her and said I need a time to return her and know you are in as I am not allowed to come to the door.

I said we need to cut financial ties so the phone contract which comes out of my bank and in my name needs to be replaced.

Moving forward hopefully we can find a way to communicate only regarding the child.

I told her I am also returning her key.
I will not hand it to the child though. It will be posted.

There is no going back..I am enraged that is so true. I think its way overdue. I honestly hate her as much as I love her at this moment in time.

I want to sever all ties with her.

It is my birthday in 10 days. The child was all excited to celebrate. I won't be able to spend my birthday with her now or see her at all.

I have to touch base with her to make sure she's OK.

« Last Edit: November 01, 2019, 02:53:21 PM by Blueskyday » Logged
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2019, 02:54:16 PM »

OMG I am so sorry! Times like this I hate spell check. Let me change that
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2019, 02:56:02 PM »

It's fine ! It's funny.

A little gallows humour may be just the thing. We Brits are famous for it



« Last Edit: November 01, 2019, 03:04:27 PM by Blueskyday » Logged
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #11 on: November 01, 2019, 03:02:05 PM »

I am glad you are laughing.

(For those just reading this spell check changed biopsy to autopsy. Not what I meant! So I changed it. Sheesh.)

As for the rest maybe don't make big decisions right now. Focus on your health. There will be time later to figure out what to do with your daughter and granddaughter.
.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2019, 07:29:35 AM »

Faith you are so sweet. I hope my continual posts arent too much. I feel so alone.

Well she responded.

She said I know she is bankrupt and will struggle to get a contract. She said she supposes I no longer want to use her Amazon Prime..This is bringing my cruelty to her to an all new low.

The mind boggles. I notice any and all communication from her is loaded with jibes and aspersions of my intentions and  character

I responded and said my situation and my health concerns are not a cruelty to her. I explained but that's not good enough. If I am forbidden to speak to her then we can't have financial ties. I have removed myself from anything of hers I made use of.
 I am respecting her wishes as far as humanly possible. All I ask is not to put the child in the middle of whatever this is. I explained I don't even know what this is.

I just thank God the child is older or I would be forbidden to see her.
She knows whatever mud she slings at me there is not even a hint that seeing me is detrimental to the child.

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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #13 on: November 02, 2019, 07:48:54 AM »

Your posts are not too much at all. That is what we are here for. When will biopsy (correct word this time) results be in?
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2019, 08:00:39 AM »

I imagine if its anything like the last visit then they will biopsy Wednesday. The results should be in within the week I think.

As the time closes in I feel my anxiety build. I had such a bad experience the last time. I have no faith in their medicine and am truly phobic.
I am only going because I have to find out what it is. I feel like Im in a living hell
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #15 on: November 02, 2019, 09:09:15 AM »

So it all starts again.

She meant don't call me that day she said. ( This is not at all what she wrote) I am this and I am that and I don't want to be a Mother.

She removed herself from me to protect her mental health. I make her feel suicidal.She is going to end up in a mental hospital because of me ..and in and on. She has no family and no one to help her.

Three emails in a row lambasting me.

The gist is I should be more concerned about how my ill health affects her than feeling my own feelings. I am cold and care nothing for her. I only care about the child.

I am anticipating a further few emails ultimitely telling me she cant cope with me seeing the child at any moment.

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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2019, 09:14:12 AM »

Maybe in light of the fact that your anxiety levels are already through the roof due to major health concerns you could hold off on reading your daughter's emails for a week or two. What do you think?
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2019, 09:39:23 AM »

I will try..
Its an impossible situation.

Logically I realise what she is writing is not me. I am not the monster she accuses me of being .

Emotionally it stings and I second guess myself. What she has seen and felt is a response to her poor attitude towards me. What has prompted this is the thought that she needs to find someone to give her their credit for a phone contract.

The reality is she is going to a party tonight with her drinking buddies. You just cant do that if you truly feel how she describes.

I am the one who is alone with no one to help me
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2019, 11:07:25 AM »

You are not alone. You have us. But I know what you mean. It would be great to have some "real life'" support too. Do you have any friends who could help?

The main thing is you really have to take care of you whether that means deleting emails or not answering the phone or whatever you have to do to avoid hearing things that trigger you.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2019, 02:37:52 AM »

No, there is no one Faith.
I have been so unwell I have become totally isolated.

I get up at 6 and work then come home and struggle to sort the house, cook etc.
Then all the drama with my daughter has clouded every waking moment of my life.

I have not been coping for a very long time
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #20 on: November 03, 2019, 02:42:21 AM »

Can you at least delete her troubling emails?
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #21 on: November 03, 2019, 04:40:45 AM »

I wish I hadn't read them but its done now..Its too late Faith.

I am supposed to go to work tomorrow. My breast is burning and painful again. Its probably a combination of using a mouse all day and stress of my dtr's emails. I am afraid that I will break down at work.

If I call in sick my boss will try to fire me because I have been so ill.

I am absolutely terrified of the breast clinic Wednesday. I have slowly realised that I will need to succumb to the Mammogram. I had signed to opt out but they shoe horned me in 3 yrs ago. I have slowly realised that knowing they saw something then and I refused a biopsy I will never be free of this until I totally acquiesce. Against my will I need to let go. I am fully aware that it was true denial. I was not ready. I need some closure.

It is one of the most difficult things I have ever faced..Being so totally alone in real life is making it unbearable.

I truly do not know how I would have gotten this far without this forum
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« Reply #22 on: November 03, 2019, 05:06:10 AM »

Oh Bluesky  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) I get you, denial has been strong is not unusual, the fear. You've arrived at the point you need closure is real. We are here.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I'm so sorry, you really don't need a storm of emails right now, do you. Faith gives good advice, standing back can help things cool and allow you the space to focus on self care. You come first right now.  You read the emails. I wonder if sending an email acknowledging the emails and that you are concentrating on self care in the run up to the biopsy and will come back to her later (though not about those specific emails... just in general when you feel strong enough to reconnect). Keep it Brief - Informative - Friendly & Firm What do you think?

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
WDx
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #23 on: November 03, 2019, 05:17:40 AM »

Thanks Wendy,
Faith has been so wonderful.


I tried exactly that
She said that me even mentioning the fact that I had no option but to go to the breast clinic was damaging her mental health. I did not go into detail about how bad the symptoms are.

I have been so non personal in my communications with her. She has attempted to obliterate me emotionally and I will not bring myself to that level.

 My attitude and failure to fire accusations at her proves to her how cold and unfeeling I am (in her mind )
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #24 on: November 03, 2019, 06:47:23 AM »

Hi BlueSkyDid you click on the Brief, Informative, Friendly. and Firm link that Wendy posted? It is geared to people who are divorcing but it totally applies to your email situation as well. Maybe these techniques will help give you some space between you and your daughter so you can focus on yourself for a while.
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« Reply #25 on: November 03, 2019, 07:07:47 AM »

Excerpt
I tried exactly that
 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
She said that me even mentioning the fact that I had no option but to go to the breast clinic was damaging her mental health.
I guess she's saying she is scared, in a spin and may recognise you are too. Bluesky, I'm sorry your DD is not able to be with you, the support, understanding and loving care you need, communication is fraught. Keep up BIFF it works, like many tools, skills we learn here it takes time and gentle re-dos. Don't give up  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
Faith has been so wonderful.
absolutely  Love it! (click to insert in post)  Way to go! (click to insert in post)  It takes one to know one  Being cool (click to insert in post) you are wonderful Bluesky, you get it.

Both you and Faith have a huge week coming up, I'm here with you both.  With affection (click to insert in post)

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

WDx
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #26 on: November 03, 2019, 07:38:46 AM »

Yes Faith..Her communications to me are very similar to the hostile ones shown.

I am trying to be as Calm as possible but I feel very angry.

On a positive note I am allowed to see my Grandchild today from 2-8pm. I have bathed and put some make up on. I will take her to the cinema and for some dinner. I am very much looking forward to spending time with her.

The breast pain is so bad but I have asprin and paracetamol to take .
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« Reply #27 on: November 04, 2019, 12:47:08 PM »

Staff only

This thread reached the post limit and has been lock and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340604.msg13085047#msg13085047

Thank you.
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