Lurker ready to post-BPD adult child has drained me of life

[betterdays3]

Oh, how do I make this long story short? Always difficult child to raise, temperamental, quirky but super smart. Therapy throughout childhood for ADHD and whatever else popped up. First year college did well then began drug use. Many rehabs without success. Never finished college but tried a few times. Never keeps a job. Moved to another state to try college again (we support her financially). She has good psych care and therapist. Still stuggling with school using every excuse to fail. Very mean to me (mom). Dad very soft. I manage by just not communicating with her when she is mean and vicious. Dad steps in. Puts a wedge between hubby and me although we have a good relationship otherwise. Blames us for her mental illness thus she deserves all the help, money and material things she asks for. Threatens suicide on a regular basis at the slightest upset. Any discomfort she will tell us can't make class then say "hahahaha" knowing that it is upsetting to us and financially costly. Literally taunts us. I feel hopeless and lost. I love her but I really dislike her and just want this all to go away! I'm at a loss with boundaries especially the situation with my husband. She has the upper hand. At 24, she needs to take some adult responsibility. The anger she throws at us is truly hard to imagine. I'm walking around numb and in a fog. I need some help myself. I don't know what to do to get a handle on this situation. I know she is sick and I can't change her. I just don't know how to begin to change myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome Betterday,
Your first step to getting better was coming here. As you become more aquainted with this blog/ website, please take a look in the library for book recommendations.  " Walking on Eggshells" book actually states the best way to help the BPD is to help yourself first. 
Here is a link on this site regarding boundaries for you to look through:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
It is very challenging to stick with the boundaries we make for our BPD adult kids.
It is good she is under therapy.  Now for you- some of us here ( myself included) go to therapy ourselves to help navigate the rough waters.  Some of us go to 12 step programs such as Alanon, or Co dependents anonymous ( CoDA) because they teach about detaching from others. Please write here back more as you are able.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Betterdays
I am glad you delurked and decided to join us. No need to make a long story short. Type away and say whatever you want to
 Sometimes it helps to get it all out. Your story sounds so familiar. Many of us can totally relate. Swimmy just gave you some excellent advice to read up about BPD and how to set your own personal boundaries. I think it will.help. I also second what she said about the 12 step groups. They can really help. The only thing I would add is guard your marriage. My husband and I have had conflicts over boundaries, enabling, and codependence
 Therapy combined with AlAnon has really helped us. It is so important that couples be on the same page supporting each other at all times, but particularly when the family is in crisis. Please let us know if the book and article Swimmy recommended helps and how things develop. We are all here for you.

[Huat]

Hello Betterdays3.

I join Swimmy and Faith in welcoming you here.  I echo Swimmy's comment..."Your first step to getting better was coming here."

Believe me when I write that getting to a better place is a journey...a hard journey...but so worthwhile as you take those babysteps and start to see progress.  You are right in your thinking that you can't change your daughter.  The change has to start with you and when you make a change, it surely will cause some kind of a shift in her axis.

I so understand about the wedge that can work between you and your husband.  That has been the case for us, too.  I have always been my daughter's target while my husband (her father) could do no wrong.  He has never felt the barbs I have felt and has been quick to tell me at times to just let all roll off my back.  So, as well as being her victim, I would feel betrayed by him.  I had to learn to find my own footing.

So here you are, Betterdays3.  Take full advantage of all the information that is offered on this website with links to more.  Participating here and possibly finding a therapist for yourself can be a start to those better days.  It would be good if counselling included your husband but nothing to say you won't get benefits from going on that path by yourself.  I so remember the first time I visited with a counsellor and she validated me.  Wow!  You need to feel that, too.  Hope you are already getting a taste of that here.

Once again, welcome to this caring and supportive community.  Hope you continue to share as much or as little that feels comfortable to you...to use this as a sounding board. 

Huat

[betterdays3]

Thank you very much. I have every book every written on BPD ;)(feels like it anyway!) My daughter's psych doc recommended 'What To Do When Your Teen Has BPD' by Blaise Aguirre M.D. (who has a very interesting back story himself.) He said that I need to think of her as an adolescent as brain developement does not fully occur until age 25-27. This has helped form my responses at times but there is nothing like real human feedback vs. reading a book. I really need to get a therapist or a support group asap. Mental health care is not so great in my little town but I'm determined for my own emotional survival! I have tremendous guilt that I caused her problems (because she tells me I did) even though I know, intellectually, that I was a very good mom and my husband was a very good dad. It still hurts and it gnaws at me. We were devoted to our kids. She was wanted and loved and probably doted on a little too much. Our parenting was done with the absolute best of intentions. My head is scrambled right now but I will say I did feel a little better just posting my first post. A little bit of relief flooded over me to share. A little bit of hope entered my broken heart. I'll be going on a little trip with hubby for the next 2 weeks and my goal is forming for my return. Holidays are always very hard so its a mixture of hope and terror to be honest. Thanks again for the very needed validation.

[Blueskyday]

Hi and welcome.
I am glad you feel ready to post.
Everyone will support you here.
We all share your experience and empathise.

[FaithHopeLove]

Do you want us to strategize with you about how you are going to get through the holidays?

[wendydarling]

Welcome betterdays3

Along with others I'm glad you've stepped in from the shadows, there is no better place to get our heads unscrambled and to be heard than here  Things can get better 

Wishing you and H a restful holiday.

WDx

[Tobio]

I’m so sorry this is so hard. My daughter is younger but has very similar behavior and also blames me for everything.  I started therapy 6 months ago and it has been so helpful. I hope that you are able to find someone and start the road to taking care of yourself. I felt guilty when I started to enjoy my life again- but it is so essential. It sounds like you are a loving mom who has done and is doing her very best.

[betterdays3]

FaithHopeLove
'Do you want us to strategize with you about how you are going to get through the holidays?'
Possibly. I will be doing this little trip with my husband for a break from life. My current stress will be getting through this vacation without my daughter torturing us from afar!

[Manifest32f]

Hi, l join the others welcoming you to this post. We all have long standing experiences and understand exactly what you are going through. Only thing predictable for all of us with a child with BPD is their unpredictable behavior from one minute to the next! We don’t have a dull moment and we long for one

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

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I will be doing this little trip with my husband for a break from life. My current stress will be getting through this vacation without my daughter torturing us from afar!

What do you think your daughter might do that will torture you from agar?  steps might you take to protect yourself emotionally from her actions?

[Blueskyday]

Leave word with someone you trust where you will be in case of a non daughter emergency and leave the phone behind.

God I miss the 70's..We didn't have this constant communication