My BPD husband is physically and emotionally abusive

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husband and I have been married 8 years and I’m losing hope in this marriage. I love my husband to no end but it hurts knowing his love for me is so conditional when my love for him is so unconditional. He’s tried and threatened to kill himself and me on multiple occasions. I’ve had marks on my neck from where he’s tried strangling me to death. I broke my thumb last Thursday and had to go to the ER. I had to lie and say “I fell.” In reality, I was defending myself and fighting him back.
I’ve become depressed and not myself. If I’m not happy, it causes an intense rage in my husband. I have to pretend to be happy on most days. When I can’t pretend anymore, he lashes out and is in a full blown rage and the abuse begins again.
He won’t give me emotional support. I have no friends or family who are willing to give me the support because I’ve pushed all of them away due to this marriage.
We are already paying so much for his therapy that I couldn’t afford therapy for myself. He is currently taking Cymbalta and Seraquel prescribed by his psychiatrist. She has not given us a diagnosis yet because she wants to calm him down before getting into that but I know exactly what is going on. He meets every symptom of BPD, perfectly. It describes him so well.
I purchased the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells” yesterday. I’m already on page 60 but in the mean time, I’m desperately needing support.

I own a photography studio and he’s constantly threatening to burn it down with all that I love in these rages. At this point, my depression is so bad I would probably allow it..I’m just becoming so low and numb.. like I’ve lost my ability to fight. however, for now I’m able to some what keep him from killing us and my business.
 We also have two children which I do my very best to conceal his behavior but our 7 year old is catching on to his behavior and is constantly worried, asking about him. I’m not sure what to tell him..
He’ll say:
“why was daddy calling you names?”
“Did daddy hit you? I heard hitting in the next room.”
“Why were you crying?”
“When we were at sonic, I heard him say that you are going to regret getting an attitude with him. What did he mean?”

A week ago, my husband tried to commit suicide in one of these rages. He would empty his cymbalta medicine bottle into his mouth, attempt to swallow, get sick and they’d end up in the floor all messed up and broken. After the rage is done I have to rush to clean up the pills so that our two year old doesn’t find them and try to eat them. This was his third time to do that. Im not sure how many more times his therapist will accept the refill request. He went 6 days without medication because he refuses to pick it up after work. I have to drive 45 mins to the town he works to pick up his medication each time.

I’ve learned not to seek an apology from him anymore. I can tell he feels bad for his actions but doesn’t like owning up to his mistakes. He says things like “you prevoked this! I’m just upset with myself for allowing myself to stoop so low. I do agree that you don’t deserve abuse but you did provoke it.”
It’s never that he feels bad for how he treats me because he’s the victim. My “tone” provoked the abuse. My “unhappiness” provoked the rage...

I’m lost and so confused. Next week, he will idolize me and love me to no end but I know that is short lived and within another week, I’ll be in a true living hell again.

Help..   

[Ann_Ann01]

My husband and I have been married 8 years and I’m losing hope in this marriage. I love my husband to no end but it hurts knowing his love for me is so conditional when my love for him is so unconditional. He’s tried and threatened to kill himself and me on multiple occasions. I’ve had marks on my neck from where he’s tried strangling me to death. I broke my thumb last Thursday and had to go to the ER. I had to lie and say “I fell.” In reality, I was defending myself and fighting him back.
I’ve become depressed and not myself. If I’m not happy, it causes an intense rage in my husband. I have to pretend to be happy on most days. When I can’t pretend anymore, he lashes out and is in a full blown rage and the abuse begins again.
He won’t give me emotional support. I have no friends or family who are willing to give me the support because I’ve pushed all of them away due to this marriage.
We are already paying so much for his therapy that I couldn’t afford therapy for myself. He is currently taking Cymbalta and Seraquel prescribed by his psychiatrist. She has not given us a diagnosis yet because she wants to calm him down before getting into that but I know exactly what is going on. He meets every symptom of BPD, perfectly. It describes him so well.
I purchased the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells” yesterday. I’m already on page 60 but in the mean time, I’m desperately needing support.

I own a photography studio and he’s constantly threatening to burn it down with all that I love in these rages. At this point, my depression is so bad I would probably allow it..I’m just becoming so low and numb.. like I’ve lost my ability to fight. however, for now I’m able to some what keep him from killing us and my business.
 We also have two children which I do my very best to conceal his behavior but our 7 year old is catching on to his behavior and is constantly worried, asking about him. I’m not sure what to tell him..
He’ll say:
“why was daddy calling you names?”
“Did daddy hit you? I heard hitting in the next room.”
“Why were you crying?”
“When we were at sonic, I heard him say that you are going to regret getting an attitude with him. What did he mean?”

A week ago, my husband tried to commit suicide in one of these rages. He would empty his cymbalta medicine bottle into his mouth, attempt to swallow, get sick and they’d end up in the floor all messed up and broken. After the rage is done I have to rush to clean up the pills so that our two year old doesn’t find them and try to eat them. This was his third time to do that. Im not sure how many more times his therapist will accept the refill request. He went 6 days without medication because he refuses to pick it up after work. I have to drive 45 mins to the town he works to pick up his medication each time.

I’ve learned not to seek an apology from him anymore. I can tell he feels bad for his actions but doesn’t like owning up to his mistakes. He says things like “you prevoked this! I’m just upset with myself for allowing myself to stoop so low. I do agree that you don’t deserve abuse but you did provoke it.”
It’s never that he feels bad for how he treats me because he’s the victim. My “tone” provoked the abuse. My “unhappiness” provoked the rage...

I’m lost and so confused. Next week, he will idolize me and love me to no end but I know that is short lived and within another week, I’ll be in a true living hell again.

Help..   

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[isilme]

It's not much comfort, but this is all very much BPD.

It's good he's in therapy.  Many never get there. 

1 - the biggest thing to try to take away is that to him, he can't be responsible for his emotions.  To him, they are all caused by external factors, not the void we all have within.  He can't face that void, he's convinced he's unlovable, enough of him knows how he's acting, and he's looking every single moment for "reasons" from you to explain his feelings, and then he explodes in an "ah ha" moment, of "I caught you, you made me feel bad, how could you do that?"

He's so afraid you will leave, he's going to drive you to leave.

It really is a terrible condition.  It's hard living next to it, I really can't imagine how it feels to actually have it.  He is upset and miserable for some internal reason.  He feels he needs to make you just as miserable to feel validated.  He feels you can't understand his apin unless he sees you lose something like your business.  BPD makes it hard to understand I can be in pain but not throw things like a toddler.  I can move forward even if I am hurting, I can push those feelings aside and keep going.  I think every single feeling for them can be like lemon juice on a wound.  They can't push them aside and function - they ahve to flail about, having no internal monologue, they have to shout every though, even the ones we all ahve but never say, rarely mean. 

1 - when a rage starts, or you see one about to, how able are you to leave with your child?  Just for an hour.  Some people make a statement, "I am leaving to allow you time to gain composure.  I will be back after a while.  If you are calm, we can move forward."  I'm not that brave, I invent an errand.

The idea is not to change him, but to keep you from the brunt of the rage.  If we are removed, sometimes they can't continue raging.  Or they have to self soothe.  Either way, you're not getting yelled at. You both have rights, here.  He can be mad.  You don't have to listen to it. 

2 - are you also seeing a therapist?  Or have someone to talk to at all?  Often we don't, we end up isolated without realizing it.  Some find some solace in talking to clergy, others to in-face groups, I can't remember the Alanon-equivalent, but others may be able to share it. 

If not, if you're like me, please write as you can here.  It does help, at least to organize your thoughts, and spot patterns over time.  Patterns can be key in learning when something is coming so you don't get sideswiped. 

I gotta go, I'll try to check in.  Hugs. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you are reaching out for support and are talking about this.  It sounds like you are pretty isolated in this situation and that makes things even more difficult as we withdraw and become more separated from the outside world.

What you are describing here is very difficult and it is not something you need to or even have to deal with on your own.  You have us here and many of our members have been or are in similar situations.   We can help you as you work your way through this.  Do you have other supports (other than us) through the church or even a family member you can talk to about what is happening or even just someone to talk to to give you a break from the fear, stress and the violence?  I think it is important to build your support system.  You don't have to do this alone.

Given everything you have described, I want to make sure you are safe and have a plan should you need to leave with your kids.  We have a plan here that has helped many members.  Safety First Can you fill it out?  We can help you if you'd like.  Having a plan you have worked out ahead of time is important as it can be hard to think in the chaos of the moment.  Even if you never need to use it, have one ready and know it.   

Is your husbands therapist aware that he is physically abusive and threatens suicide?   I think that might be something you want to share.  What do you think?

Again, I am glad you reached out for support. 

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi there. I'm glad you found us

What you describe sounds very scary. I can relate, as I experienced some very similar things in my marriage.

Does your h see a therapist and a psychiatrist? Does his psychiatrist know about the suicide attempts? Or the physical violence against you, and that your child is being exposed to it?

Have you ever considered contacting a domestic violence resource, just for information about your options? You can call or chat online on the national domestic violence association at thehotline.org.

You can contact them just for emotional support and help in making a safety plan. You may be directed to a local resource, where you might be able to receive free counseling or attend a support group.

[GaGrl]

I am so sorry you find yourself at this point in your marriage. Others on this forum have been in abusive relationships and understand where you are, so you will find support here.

Is safety for yourself and your children your primary concern right now? If so, have you spoken to a Domestic Violence counselor in your local area? They can assist with a safety plan and talk with you about future security.

Have you spoken with your husband's therapist about his suicide attempts as the need behind the refills of his prescriptions. while his G cannot provide info to you about your husband's treatment without his consent, the G needs to know from you about the attempts and the escalating DV.

[Ann_Ann01]

Thank you all so much for the advice, tips and most importantly your support. He had an appt today and he has signed for me to receive any and all info regarding his health.
He is seeing a psychiatrist. We have to pay a lot for him to see her. We always go in together as my husband doesn’t like discussing these things as it makes him feel like “he is being bashed and humiliated.” So I do a lot of talking. Today, she interrupted me to ask for him to speak. He finally did and it’s always a half truth response. She did right him two scripts: cymbalta and abilify.
I had no choice but to tell her that he attempted suicide.. I told her that I now keep all medication locked up and I hide the key so he can’t attempt suicide anymore.
He was very honest. He said his suicide attempts were mostly to get a reaction from me and a cry out for help.
He’s been projecting a lot of his emotions and after finishing the book, I now understand and I’ve practiced communicating with him and so far, it’s helped prevent him for going into a full flown rage.

I did not tell his therapist he is abusive towards me but a part of me thinks she already knows that. She always asks if I’m okay and tells me it is her job to not only treat my husband but to insure I’m okay also. She is very compassionate and that’s exactly what he needs in a therapist.

I will definitely be making a safe plan Incase I’m not able to help him calm down from a rage. However, leaving him is never an option. If I attempt to leave when he is in a rage, he will try to kill us both. So if I do end up leaving, it’ll have to be out of desperation and knowing there is no other way.

Understanding that his anger is merely fear has done amazing things for me helping him cope with his disorder.
He’s trying, despite all the ugly things he’s done, I see the man I fell in love with more then the rage and that’s enough for me to continue supporting him and loving him.

I can’t thank you all enough. Knowing I’m not alone has done tremendous things for me. I needed to know I wasn’t losing it.