What would we like our partners to be...

[Red5]

The perfect woman (for Red5)...

Hmmmm,

My best friend, trusted companion, in tune with me, and me with her... funny, happy go lucky, spiritual, and always curious about the world, nature, the earth, and universe...

Likes the outdoors, black coffee early in the morning... likes to sleep in sometimes on a rainy Saturday morning... believes in karma, and the “invisible realm”, believes that we are all existing here for a reason... loves to spend hours and hours “discussing” the known universe and everything we think we know about it...

Loves history... and spending endless hours wondering through dusty old museums, and historical sites... enjoys travels and adventure,spontaneous, and able to “just go with it”...

Loves children, puppies, and kitty cats... respects the power of nature...loves to walk down the beach, even in a rain shower... not afraid to “rough it”...
 
Loves to learn new things, and to discuss, and learn things from and with others off like mind... appreciates and allows differing opinions, loves to discuss things, and enjoys and appreciates others thoughts, and explanations on all things under the sun...

Likes to grow things, gardening... going to the the local farmers market... loves the water, both fresh water and the sea... loves sea food!

Enjoys time together, even if we are just watching the weather channel, or an old movie, never demanding, or controlling... enjoys and appreciates peace and quiet... tranquility... unending patience and love for her fellow humans...

Likes fireworks... and gun powder... big waves and thunderstorms... old trucks and tractors... and old boats... likes to fix things, and restore old things... likes to visit all the junk, and antique stores in town every month.

Loves to “co-hobby”...

Loves Jesus, and encourages me to do the same... prays with me, and for me... loves to go to Church on Sunday,

Wants to grow old with me... and doesn’t mind that I’m getting old now, loves me unconditionally... encourages me to be a better person,

Let’s me “take care of her”...

Let’s me drone on about my time in the service, sea stories...and let’s me talk to my old Marine buddies...

Has a sense of humor... and can laugh at life’s oh $hits...

Never jealous... or controlling... and likewise,

Trusts me...

Let’s me take a nap on Sunday after Church... keeps me warm at night, demands that I kiss her full and whole on her lips every single day, and that I tell her I love her... likes to sleep in my old shirts, wear my old hats, and wants to be with me...no matter what I may be doing, even if it’s changing the blades on the mower... or overhauling then chainsaw...

... “mutual” respect, and love for one another... never go to bed mad at each other, able to promise each other peace, love and security in the relationship... for life, solid commitment,

Likes to gaze into my eyes and wonder what I’m day dreaming about... lets me be “me”... and let’s me, let her be her...

Hmmmm,

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

That’s certainly possible, Red. There are definitely women out there that would happily fit your description.

What I would like with regard to my partner, and it seems like it might be somewhat possible: to relax and not immediately jump to conclusions that I or someone else is disparaging him, criticizing him, thinking poorly of him, or being annoyed by him.

I’m starting to see some improvement on these fronts. He’s been doing therapy for some time and I think it’s been making a positive change.

[Skip]

Here are three candidates...  

   

Kidding aside, I think its a good idea to write something like this down and yours is a good starting point.

I'd ask a few questions, though... are you looking for yourself in a women? Is that a worthy goal? A realistic goal?

My first thought on reading that list is that you might want parse it into 3 or 4 lists. Romantic partner, male friends, father/son, and me time.

If you did that, what would romantic partner then look like?  What I'm not seeing in your list is mutual core values, mutual attraction, mutual respect, good character, compatibility - your partner doesn't need to drink wine from a canning jar and likes to rebuild a Cummings diesel on an old musty cabin cruiser - you need a partner who has a balance of co-activities with you and independent activities with her friends and you both mutually respects each others needs and interests - a relationship where you both can grow and help each other grow.

What do you think?.  

[Red5]

What do you think?.  

I’m thinking... “ a very dangerous pastime “...

My above “list” is not at all inclusive... feel free to add, I remember thinking, there is more, just can’t get it to the forefront right now, all good points Skip, all good !

Absolutely vital... do her stuff too, enjoy her pleasure when she is in “her stuff”... mutually is forefront... core values is a constant... unsaid and dependent upon,no question... within the “bullets” was core values...what does it say in the scriptures... “equally yoked”... and I do have very nice drinking ware in case my beloved doesn’t want to drink her spirits from a “ mason jar”...

Yes, give, and accept... share and give without care of reciprocity... all good!  

So...

Here is Skips perfect (fun now, don’t get mad)... woman, yes... I assuming your gender, and sexual preference... ha ha ha...


Red5

[Skip]

I remember thinking, there is more, just can’t get it to the forefront right now...

Writing down what we are looking for is a good thing to do. It's also good to write down what we might need to do to be attractive and compatible to the type of partner we seek.

What is happening with your wife? Are you still in that uncomfortable "not together and not apart" stage or is there some movement in either direction.

PS: I didn't see the movie, but if that is your mental image (exaggerated)  of what I was describing, I understand.  Thanks for the feedback.

[Red5]

What is happening with your wife? Are you still in that uncomfortable "not together and not apart" stage or is there some movement in either direction.

There was a bit of "positive movement" as far back as June-August… but we are no longer "talking"… its been like that since mid September.

She has pushed me away, the last time I saw her, she brought my S33(autistic) birthday present to the house (September)… she was cold, and abrupt… seemed very angry… I've backed off, the last time we spoke (phone) was the end of September… and that turned into a verbal ass whooping for me…

I spoke to her daughter a while back… her two adult children (step) still talk to me every once in a while… D34 said in the phone call…
"mom is never going to change, she’s always been like this, mom has to be in control, mom has to win, mom has to have the last word, mom pushes everyone away... mom has to be right all the time... mom doesn’t care who she’s hurt, even me and my brother (S33)... why would you want to go back to that Red... me and S33 love you, and we understand what you’re dealing with”...

My wife (udxbpd/npd(traits)?) told me, the last time we spoke… "I still love you Red, and I do miss you, but I cant live in that house with you and S33(autistic) right now, I don't know if I ever will be able to again, I don't want to hurt you, and I'm not saying never"…

The year separation is up on 1 December… she continues her cancer treatments… her D34 told me that "mom is good for now, sustained"… but her dx is stage iv rcc : (

Thoughts?

I am going to add one more thing… my son, whom is autistic, who is now 33 yrs old… who is developmentally delayed, (& mild MR)… that is at age 7-8 in his mind says to me… "I miss Mrs. "Q" dad… I'm sorry I pinched her"… then he says… "Mrs"Q" isn't coming back dad"… I asked him, "do you want her to come back "J"… he replies, clear as day… "no dad, Mrs. "Q" isn't coming back"… I ask "why"… he says… "because she is mean to me dad, she hits me dad"… "I just stay away dad"…

Lord… what do I do with that?

Red5

[Skip]

what do I do with that?

It's a year. That is a long time to be estranged and leaving in a partially vacated home. When will it be time to time to start rebuilding your life? 2020 starts in 8 weeks.

[Red5]

It's a year.

I've been deployed longer than that before…

That is a long time to be estranged and living in a partially vacated home.

When she was married to her first H, he spent two (2)… year long tours in Korea… as stated, I've spent longer than a year aboard ship, and again in Japan & SEA (WESTPAC)… and that was before email was around… one year ain't really that long, I've known several members of the Foo that were separated for over two and three years…

When will it be time to time to start rebuilding your life?

I put a few bricks back everyday… I am used to being in a "partially vacated" environment… it is what it is… life still goes on everyday, beats tent city in the desert,

2020 starts in 8 weeks.

I do wonder what will happen when the 1 year required separation passes (North Carolina), 1 December.

… back in August, I had been over to her house several times, as she asked for me to move, haul, and fix a few things… and I fixed an item of her furniture for her… it was a good evening, there was wine, a hug, and the first kiss since November… but as soon as I got home, she split me again (180) she texted me, then she called me, it was about my S33() once again… she quickly "went to her anger place"… the phone call lasted 3.5 hours to half past midnight, culminating in her saying… "I'M DONE I WANT A DIVORCE!"… I didn't yell back, there was no defense from me(JADE) tried out all the tools I could think of… to no avail, so I simply told her, "if that's what you feel you want to do, I will respect that, I do ask that you write me a letter, not an email or text, but a letter, asking me for a divorce"… she hung up on me… next day there was a "three page email"… she said she did not want a divorce, there was then three pages (printed out) of blame shifting, shaming, etc' etc' etc'… I showed the letter to my "T", and he says to me, and I quote… "those are the ravings of a lunatic"… so wow : (

Do you remember telling me, "you are going to have to play the long game, she has years of anger to get out, this didn't happen overnight, don't get over your ski's here"…

A few bullets:

*she is living off of disability.

*she is on my insurance (Tricare).

*her relationship wither Foo, two sisters, and her mum is on again, off again.

*her two adult children… she has turned on them as well, several times… over the years, so I don't know to what degree they would help her, take care of her, as she progresses with her cancer dx, her Son will be either in Hawaii, or Alaska next year (USAF), her Daughter is in Alabama, with her H, whom is deathly afraid of his MIL, my udxbpdw, this is her daughters 3rd marriage in eleven years, so I dunno, there is no other Foo, besides me.

I wait… and I pray, and I hang onto hope (the rope).

Her daughters words replay over and over in my head… "mom is never going to change, she’s always been like this, mom has to be in control, mom has to win, mom has to have the last word, mom pushes everyone away... mom has to be right all the time... mom doesn’t care who she’s hurt, even me and my brother (S33)... why would you want to go back to that Red... me and S33 love you, and we understand what you’re dealing with”...

Meanwhile, I continue to learn, and I go to see Major Tom the "T"… I go to work, I come home, I take care of my S33()… day in, day out… I keep on "living".

There are several scenarios to play out here;
*she files in December,
*she comes back one day in the future, when she needs someone to take care of her 24/7, as she progresses through her dx,
*things stay just as they are, until she succumbs.
*she may "meet someone new"… we know borderlines cannot stand to be alone(?).

Pretty grim,

Story of my life…

Red5

[Skip]

Do you remember Skip, telling me, "[you are going to have to play the long game, she has years of anger to get out, this didn't happen overnight, don't get over your ski's here" ….

I remember it well. That would still be my advice. I'm inquiring about the "long games" game plan at month 12.

There are several scenarios to play out here;
*she files in December,
*she comes back one day in the future, when she needs someone to take care of her 24/7, as she progresses through her dx,
*things stay just as they are, until she succumbs.
*she may "meet someone new" … we know borderlines cannot stand to be alone(?).

Those are her game plan options for taking care of her needs. I'm sure there are other options too.

What are yours?

I go to work, I come home, I take care of my S33

Should you start thinking and planning for more? If its mostly radio silence, how long are you good with that? 2 years? 4 years?

My question is simply, are you OK to let her decisions and needs drive the direction of your life for the next 5 years or more?

I'm saying you should do or not do anything - I just challenging whether you have started thinking past "wait and see".

Fair question, I hope. You are talking about what you would like in another women. 

[formflier]

What is a reasonable expectation about the progress of her cancer diagnosis?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Should you start thinking and planning for more? If its mostly radio silence, how long are you good with that? 2 years? 4 years?

My question is simply, are you OK to let her decisions and needs drive the direction of your life for the next 5 years or more?

I'm saying you should do or not do anything - I just challenging whether you have started thinking past "wait and see".

Fair question, I hope. You are talking about what you would like in another women.  

I cross posted with this, but we're essentially curious about the same thing.

In military terms...very stark ones in this case, all planning needs to be done with the understanding of "OBE" (overcome by events).

Yes and double yes, Red should start creating his own "timeline" for his life.  

I totally understand and agree that a year "is nothing" in the grand scheme of things.  I also understand that a lot of non military types would find that attitude shocking.

My parting shot and my attempt to bend Skip's advice into a military analogy that might make more sense to Red5.

Let's assume Red's "love life skills" are an airplane.  One that hasn't flown for a bit.  We're sitting around maintenance control talking about what's the best thing to do with the airplane.

We can stick it in the "boneyards" for a while (at a high level of preservation), we could send it off for "depot maintenance" and work through it from end to end, or we could make a plan to work off the downer gripes and get it flying again pretty soon.  (Wondering who the FCF pilot would be?)

I would support any and all of the above options.

The one option I wouldn't support is leaving it out on the flightline where it appears ready to fly, but everyone knows that even though you may get it started...the chances of it passing the FCF are low, even though it might get to the hold short...or may even get airborne.

I'll leave it to Red to explain some of that...  

Best,

FF

[Red5]

That would still be my advice. I'm inquiring about the "long games" game plan at month 12.

Right now, I will wait… perhaps in time, I will attempt a re-connection, surely the passing of 1 December may provide some "movement", if she does desire to move towards a divorce, that 1 Dec date is when the tie down chains come off, we will see, that is just a few more weeks away.

Those are her game plan options for taking care of her needs. I'm sure there are other options too.
What are yours?

Hey Man, I want her to get some therapy!… yeah, that would be awesome!… lets get her head shrunk, lets get her fixed! ~> DBT… smh, I know the chances of that happening… got to be a reason she has told me countless times, "I've got a hot temper Red, can you handle me?"… so why the temper, why the behaviors, why does she do what she does… that forms the survey stakes, that mark in the sand, where the foundation and walls of my "plan" will go… but how to get there…

Should you start thinking and planning for more? If its mostly radio silence, how long are you good with that? 2 years? 4 years?

I am well trained (1st marriage), I am a radio silence "camel"… the night she took me to dinner, May; fathers day… it was the same old thing… blame-shame… she actually says to me… we have to start all over, we need to date again (Pastor's words)… she said, "it could take five years Red"… that's sixty months… planning for more… in five years, I'll have a lot of my bills paid off… seriously though, in five years, this will have "worked out" one way or the other…

My question is simply, are you OK to let her decisions and needs drive the direction of your life for the next 5 years or more?

I am secure, I have a house, a jeep, a pick-up truck, a boat, a good job, retirement, and VA diss… I ain't hurtin none… and I've got my Sons, and my Daughter… a few close friends, Church, and good neighbors, a German Shepherd, and two stray cats… I'll be fine, and I'll say busy,

I'm saying you should do or not do anything - I just challenging whether you have started thinking past "wait and see".

As I said, "wait and see" has an expiration date… I surely don't see this going on for another ten (10) years… on the level here… she has stage iv rcc Skip, she has an 8% chance of survival, five years past her initial dx… that was in 2016, when she had one of her kidneys removed, even though things are what they are, and I accept fully my part in the wreckage, I will own that… I am not about to divorce her, even if she hates me, she needs these cancer treatments to prolong her life, the time I spent in the service means she has good insurance to make sure she continues in her treatments… so I continue on, as is… if we split, she will be the one who pulls the ejection handle, it wont be me… and you know what, I could be taken out by a cement truck today… life longevity is not a guarantee… so I maintain, I sustain… my "happiness" is going to have to wait, I am fine, a little depressed, a little heartbroken, feel bad I /F/ it up… I ruminate constantly… "if only"… but she is gone, but not far… she did tell me she loves me, and she misses me back in September… I still wear my wedding ring, and my orange rcc bracelets… I pray everyday for her to be healed, body, mind, and soul… it could be worse,

Fair question, I hope. You are talking about what you would like in another women. 

… out of the question right now, out of the question totally… until she severs the marriage, or she goes home to be with the Lord, I'm staying put, after what I've experienced in two marriages, no, I won't be going to the well for a drink (love-woman) again anytime soon, perhaps ever...

Red5

[Skip]

if we split, she will be the one who pulls the ejection handle, it wont be me …

I am secure, I have a house, a jeep, a pick-up truck, a boat, … a good job, retirement, and VA diss … I ain't hurtin none … and I've got my Sons, and my Daughter … a few close friends, Church, and good neighbors, a German Shepherd, and two stray cats … I'll be fine, and I'll say busy, …

You're ok with the situation - that's all that matters.

[Red5]

… We're sitting around maintenance control talking about what's the best thing to do with the airplane.

We can stick it in the "boneyard" for a while (at a high level of preservation), we could send it off for "depot maintenance" and work through it from end to end, or we could make a plan to work off the downer gripes and get it flying again pretty soon.  (Wondering who the FCF pilot would be?)

Red5 was almost ready for the "SARDP"… (Stricken Aircraft Reclamation Disposal Program)… where old used up fighter jets are cannibalized of their still usable parts, "parted out"… "picked clean"… then the remains scrapped, a sad end for an old "war horse".

Not happening, I am "extended on station"… there is no relief, we will stay at sea, in the highest state of readiness possible, so quit your bitching, and get back as close to FMC (full mission capable) that you can Red5,

Until the last bit of "hope" extinguishes… I am taking no action to separate/extracate myself from Mrs. Red5 permanently.

I may even try to woo, romance her again… what have I to lose… I've got almost three decades of marriage on this old airframe… I heard  and NO!… many times before, it don't hurt no more…

Christmas is coming!… a chance to "please her" : )

I am a crushingly handsome man, and charming too!

Logistics, if I want to "date my wife", I need to get a respite provider for my S33()… that's first, then I got to creep in under her radar, and sneak up on her… yeah!

How can she resist me …

We will see, 1 December may tell me a lot, she will uncloak I think, and I'll know for sure then.

Thanks for the analogy Formflier, you know I love hanging out around the squadron : )

"If my love life skills were an airplane, I'd be a "Phantom Jet" 

Red5

[formflier]

"If my love life skills were an airplane, I'd be a "Phantom Jet" 

Mine are/were very much the same.

Here is the thing.  Phantoms are really loud, go really fast and suck an enormous amount JP.   

I would suggest that your wife is a Mig-29. 

That's an interesting "dogfight".  The Phantom absolutely can "win" but it's important that the pilot understand he is "fighting" a dissimilar aircraft.

Here's a neat assignment for you.  Find a couple fighter guys (maybe you can even find phantom guys) and ask them how they would engage a Mig 29.

What type of "fight" would they prefer?  What type of engagement would they avoid?

Note:  I've actually seen phantoms and Mig 29s doing approaches to the carrier.  Yep...you read that right.  When Germany "rejoined" they took over the East German air force, that had Migs.  And they still have phantoms.  That was really cool flying.

You've got this Red. 

Best,

FF

[DragoN]

*SMH*

The poon must be that  good 

[Red5]

The poon must be that  good  

Ok, my blood sugar is a bit low, feeling a bit loopy…

Yes, very good (poon)... the best… er, MIG-29 pilots in the world!

^for Formflier^  

… well, until they sold them all to Poland in 2004, Achtung Phantom !

If my wife was an aeroplane?, I really thought she was a "Spitfire", but I think she best would identify as a "Stuka"  !


… she did runaway from home to live in Germany when she was sixteen?

She is something else for sure… I remember her words to this day, "I've got a hot temper Red, do you think you can handle me?"… wow,

Red5

[secretgirl]

Hi Red5... this is an interesting post...
I think it's possible to find all these in an individual but i'm not sure how/when you'd come across it.

I second Skip in the sense that it should be subdivided into things that are deal breakers or things you're ok with doing with friends.

From my personal experience, I haven't met too many sensitive women who let you take care of them (talking about me here) who also like to "rough it" (i hate roughing it LOL).
Could be biased 100% but knowing lots of women in my life it's pretty rare butttttt that doesn't mean you should settle ever if you're unhappy.
It's like me saying I want a masculine alpha sensitive guy... would be my dream man but in mentally sound men (non bpd), I haven't come across it yet. It's a cool thing to do though, make a list...

i should make one and then pick traits that aren't AS important. I also agree with making it more about values and morals. But this is a cool thread.. never really thought about meeting someone based off a list before. I just generally meet people and see if we "vibe" so to speak or if we can both accept/handle each other's quirks.

p.s. the woman pic from Mars Attacks... LOL made my day. They have to chew gum or something to stay alive right? hahaha haven't seen that in forever but I do remember SJP and pierce brosnan being in love even though they've been dissected. classic. haha.

[Red5]

Hi Red5... this is an interesting post...

I think it's possible to find all these in an individual but i'm not sure how/when you'd come across it.

From my personal experience, I haven't met too many sensitive women who let you take care of them (talking about me here) who also like to "rough it" (i hate roughing it ).

p.s. the woman pic from Mars Attacks...  made my day.

Hey secretgirl,

The movie "The Stepford Wives" just popped into my mind …

Direct quote from Mrs. Red5, "Red, all I ever wanted was for a man to take care of me, to be my knight in shining armor, my ex husband was no knight in shining armor, and neither are you..." … smh, oh well…

… "don't run, we are your friends"…

Red5

[secretgirl]

Hey secretgirl,

The movie "The Stepford Wives" just popped into my mind ….

Direct quote from Mrs. Red5, … "Red, all I ever wanted was for a man to take care of me, to be my knight in shining armor, … my ex husband was no knight in shining armor, and neither are you..." … smh, oh well …

… "don't run, we are your friends" …

Red5

LOL "we still got two out of three branches of congress and that ain't bad!"

hahahah i'm dying.

[Red5]

"we still got two out of three branches of congress and that ain't bad!"

hahahah i'm dying.

“We know they're extremely advanced technologically, which suggests - very rightfully so - that they're peaceful. An advanced civilization, by definition, is not barbaric.”
[talking about Martians]
Pierce Brosnan - Professor Donald Kessler

Nailed it!… whoa!

[secretgirl]

“We know they're extremely advanced technologically, which suggests - very rightfully so - that they're peaceful. An advanced civilization, by definition, is not barbaric.”
[talking about Martians]
Pierce Brosnan - Professor Donald Kessler

Nailed it! … whoa!

"little people why can't we just get along?"

hahahaha omg i love professor donald kessler. he's easily one of my fav characters in that movie . I also love the drunk pilot (if that's the right character i'm thinking of) hahah

[2020]

Hey Red5, It's been a while. Yeah it's an old post, but I was thinking about you. Hoping you are going OK.