Coparenting with a demon

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi first post
I’ve been reading about every single neurological and personality disorder I could find. BPD hits it right on the nose.
Long story short, I met her one day, we fell hard. We dated for three months before she got pregnant. Within days of finding out she was pregnant her whole personality changed. It’s been THAT personality ever since. The child is 2 now.
We tried to make it work but the conflict was too intense for me. I asked her to leave. She had a new boyfriend in less than a month living with her and they claimed to be in love after 2 months (he had just broke up with his ex and needed a place to stay AND car to drive). We share time with our child using a 2 day on 2 days off method.
She uses her new boyfriend to throw me off. One day she’s nice to me next day she’s telling me how in love she is. I say let’s go to counseling she says no way. I fall back she says let’s go to counseling.
I want to be a family but it’s clear it will never work bc I won’t ever trust her. The lies are told without shame. She either lies outright or simply forgets what she said earlier. She’s not a bad mom, just a bad person in general.
I suspected drugs (still do) but I have no proof.
What I do know is she lacks guilt and shame. She openly disrespected my mother, other family and friends. She terrorized our household almost daily. It was NEVER her fault. I would apologize for things I had no idea I was apologizing for. Anything for peace.
Now I’m seeking knowledge how to disengage and coparent.
She’s a horrible and uniquely beautiful person. I don’t want to hurt her however I wouldn’t mind seeing her suffer from her own actions as a lesson.
Peace

[Handlebars]

Hi first post
I’ve been reading about every single neurological and personality disorder I could find. BPD hits it right on the nose.
Long story short, I met her one day, we fell hard. We dated for three months before she got pregnant. Within days of finding out she was pregnant her whole personality changed. It’s been THAT personality ever since. The child is 2 now.
We tried to make it work but the conflict was too intense for me. I asked her to leave. She had a new boyfriend in less than a month living with her and they claimed to be in love after 2 months (he had just broke up with his ex and needed a place to stay AND car to drive). We share time with our child using a 2 day on 2 days off method.
She uses her new boyfriend to throw me off. One day she’s nice to me next day she’s telling me how in love she is. I say let’s go to counseling she says no way. I fall back she says let’s go to counseling.
I want to be a family but it’s clear it will never work bc I won’t ever trust her. The lies are told without shame. She either lies outright or simply forgets what she said earlier. She’s not a bad mom, just a bad person in general.
I suspected drugs (still do) but I have no proof.
What I do know is she lacks guilt and shame. She openly disrespected my mother, other family and friends. She terrorized our household almost daily. It was NEVER her fault. I would apologize for things I had no idea I was apologizing for. Anything for peace.
Now I’m seeking knowledge how to disengage and coparent.
She’s a horrible and uniquely beautiful person. I don’t want to hurt her however I wouldn’t mind seeing her suffer from her own actions as a lesson.
Peace

[40days_in_desert]

Handlebars - sorry for the reason that brought you here but glad you found this site. So welcome! Myself and many here have experienced the same or similar encounters as you describe. This is a place where you can get advice and find resources to help you steer away from the encounters with your ex that keep you doing what's best for you and your two year old.
Do you have a custody order in place or have you started the process?
Can you share more detail about the things that you are struggling with the most as far as co-parenting?
 

[ForeverDad]

If you suspect your ex uses drugs, there may be a way to get that out in the open.  But you would have to be drug-free.  It's by asking the court to test you both periodically for drug use.  Courts could easily frown on a one-sided demand for the other parent to be tested.  Asking for both parents to be tested is more palatable to the court.  Of course, even after getting an order for that, still be cautious.  Don't volunteer your results, share your results only when ex shares her results.

My experience:  We had just separated and in court we were both ordered to get Psych Evals and then share them.  I complied promptly.  To this day, some 14 years later, I still don't know if she even got a Psych Eval, much less her results.  If I had been smarter then I would have told my lawyer, "Don't release/share my results, they need to be exchanged with hers."

[Handlebars]

If you suspect your ex uses drugs, there may be a way to get that out in the open.  But you would have to be drug-free.  It's by asking the court to test you both periodically for drug use.  Courts could easily frown on a one-sided demand for the other parent to be tested.  Asking for both parents to be tested is more palatable to the court.  Of course, even after getting an order for that, still be cautious.  Don't volunteer your results, share your results only when ex shares her results.

My experience:  We had just separated and in court we were both ordered to get Psych Evals and then share them.  I complied promptly.  To this day, some 14 years later, I still don't know if she even got a Psych Eval, much less her results.  If I had been smarter then I would have told my lawyer, "Don't release/share my results, they need to be exchanged with hers."

hey bro thank u for that. I had that choice a short time ago. We were in court, I was the petitioner it, was getting close to them setting a hearing date and honestly I regretted taking her to court as it went along. She had no representation (I did), her whole strategy was to get to court and sling as much mud as possible. Basically throw anything at the wall to see what sticks. My lawyer said if she does that, he will have to do the same. It would get messy. So to dead all that he said let’s request a drug test. Also we could request one from her live in boyfriend. BINGO!
As I only had three weeks to decide whether or not to follow thru with a hearing, the drug test was the nail in the coffin.
Well, as thought over n over. I already didn’t like how the court thing was shaping up. I felt dirty almost like a snitch. It’s definitely designed for scorned women to ruin a mans life. I’m a strong believer that a man should be able to handle his family business. It was already hell living with her manipulation and drama however she’s always justified her behavior with doing well in school. Her only argument since she went back to nursing school is “I get straight A’s”. AND SHE DOES! Well if I went thru with a court ordered drug test and she failed.. and lost all custody of her child.. bye bye nursing career. I don’t want that on my conscience. I don’t want to be “the reason” she lost her son or lost her career or delved deeper into an addiction. I don’t hate her THAT much. I just wish she would get it together but the more I learn about personality disorders, the less I think it will happen. So yeah I’m trapped and I need something other than court to help this situation.
Hope that makes sense.

[Handlebars]

Handlebars - sorry for the reason that brought you here but glad you found this site. So welcome! Myself and many here have experienced the same or similar encounters as you describe. This is a place where you can get advice and find resources to help you steer away from the encounters with your ex that keep you doing what's best for you and your two year old.
Do you have a custody order in place or have you started the process?
Can you share more detail about the things that you are struggling with the most as far as co-parenting?
 

we were going to get a parenting plan but I decided against it. Too messy I’ll go back only if it gets so bad I can’t manage it. We shared equal time with him per her request. I’m being as lenient as possible bc she needs to see him in order to NOT go ballistic.
Coparenting with her is unpredictable and I’m always on guard. It’s literally SOMETHING everyday. It can go from nice loving texts starting at 5am to “pay me child support this minute or I’m taking him out of daycare” by 10:30am. We have a two day on two day off thing going.

[ForeverDad]

I know you're the working parent, the responsible one, but ponder how to handle a couple issues sure to develop...

Especially if/when she gets meaningful income, she will want to demand reporting him on her tax returns to reduce her tax obligation.  That's can be IRS Form 8332 but it also states court should have an order detailing that.  In my case, my ex never earned that much but she wanted her portion of whatever I saved when I claimed him.  It was a portion of my earnings not being taxed but she wanted her half of them.  Your simple equal time solution doesn't count for the IRS since in order for you to claim the deduction you have to report 7 months out of the year (at least in my tax prep software) and 6 out of 12 probably doesn't resolve it.

Another reason to be declared the Primary parent is so you'll be the deciding person when your son becomes school age.  Yes, that will come all too soon.  In my county it takes 6-18 months to get a case decided.  So don't wait until the summer before kindergarten.

If all else is equal, then how can you avoid disagreement and stale mates without getting full custody (decision making for major issues like school, doctors, religion, etc)?  Try to get the court order to modify the joint custody (usually the default) but you have Decision Making or Tie Breaker status - or the equivalent.  This way you get to proceed but she can't stop you unless she goes to court or mediation for her (probably ridiculous) reasons.

[Handlebars]

I know you're the working parent, the responsible one, but ponder how to handle a couple issues sure to develop...

Especially if/when she gets meaningful income, she will want to demand reporting him on her tax returns to reduce her tax obligation.  That's can be IRS Form 8332 but it also states court should have an order detailing that.  In my case, my ex never earned that much but she wanted her portion of whatever I saved when I claimed him.  It was a portion of my earnings not being taxed but she wanted her half of them.  Your simple equal time solution doesn't count for the IRS since in order for you to claim the deduction you have to report 7 months out of the year (at least in my tax prep software) and 6 out of 12 probably doesn't resolve it.

Another reason to be declared the Primary parent is so you'll be the deciding person when your son becomes school age.  Yes, that will come all too soon.  In my county it takes 6-18 months to get a case decided.  So don't wait until the summer before kindergarten.

If all else is equal, then how can you avoid disagreement and stale mates without getting full custody (decision making for major issues like school, doctors, religion, etc)?  Try to get the court order to modify the joint custody (usually the default) but you have Decision Making or Tie Breaker status - or the equivalent.  This way you get to proceed but she can't stop you unless she goes to court or mediation for her (probably ridiculous) reasons.

thank u! Yes I understand that however I’m waiting for her lease to be up (as I promised her). Her lease is up in June, the boy will be 3 1/2. If she’s not better thru counseling by then yes I’ll reopen the case for those reasons. These promises were made before I learned of these personality disorder traits. I’m pretty convinced I’ll need to precede. It’s going to send her down a darker path no doubt. It’ll also tear apart our families.

[worriedStepmom]

Well if I went thru with a court ordered drug test and she failed.. and lost all custody of her child.. bye bye nursing career. I don’t want that on my conscience. I don’t want to be “the reason” she lost her son or lost her career or delved deeper into an addiction. I don’t hate her THAT much. I just wish she would get it together but the more I learn about personality disorders, the less I think it will happen.

You aren't the reason she may lose everything.  Her choices are the reason for that.  If she or her boyfriend are on drugs, are they capable of being responsible for your son?  Can you trust them to be able to handle an emergency if they're high?  Is he safe with them?

My H was terrified to take action to protect SD12 because he was worried that his ex would commit suicide.  He didn't want that on his conscience, and he didn't want his daughter to hate him.  He was very, very deep in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt).  It took years to work his way out of that.

H got primary custody of SD (a 70-30 schedule) last year.  mom cannot handle going so many days without seeing SD, and in the 18 months since then, she has spiraled down enough that she's been in inpatient psychiatric care twice.  We'll have a new custody agreement by the end of the year, and mom will have only 15% of time and no overnights.  If she continues on her path, she'll end up with supervised visitation.  We aren't being vindictive or hateful.  We are protecting SD from her mom's emotional abuse. 

Your job is to do what is best for your son, not what is best for your ex. 

[worriedStepmom]

I’m being as lenient as possible bc she needs to see him in order to NOT go ballistic.

Your son is not her emotional support animal.   

She is making him responsible for her emotions already.  This will not get better.

[Handlebars]

Your son is not her emotional support animal.   

She is making him responsible for her emotions already.  This will not get better.

ur right it’s just really hard to come to a conclusion rt now. I’m hoping we can be a family “after the storm” but it’s getting grim.
Everyone’s telling me exactly what you’re saying too

[worriedStepmom]

Part of the divorce or break-up process is grieving your own dreams of what might have been.  I really struggled with that when my ex and I split up.  I had wanted to raise my children with a mom and a dad in the same house.  I had this ideal version of what life would look like for us as a family, and now there was no chance of that happening.

I got counseling during my divorce to help me work through those feelings and make sure I was focused on what my children needed.  Do you have a a counselor or therapist to help you?

[Grady]

I completely agree and reiterate what Worried is saying here.  If she and bf test positive for drugs, it's not you ruining her custody and nursing degree.  It's her.  You seem to believe she deserves things she doesn't.  What kind of parent is she being?  Is this what your child deserves?  It's not up to you to help her get better.  And it sounds like your gut is telling you that she will continue to let you down and you will have to eventually go down the road you are trying to avoid now.  So, go with your gut.  I know it's not easy, but two good days and then dealing with her tantrums is not a way to live.  I hope you are getting T for yourself.  It does seem like you have a bit of FOG to deal with still. 

You need to be emotionally well to make sure your child has one parent to count on.  I know for me, the damage done to my H has made me had to step up so much more with our kids.  I could not have handled that without the help of my T.  But, the kids are the most important.  And these first years are fundamental.  I worry a lot by what my SS has been exposed to in his short 3 1/2 years.  He will definitely be in T to try to give him the foundation he needs to succeed.

[ForeverDad]

Perhaps you've heard of the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss?  Acceptance of that reality is the final stage.  Accept "what is", not what you had hoped or were desperate for.  It also involves Letting Go and Moving On to whatever is next.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0

[Handlebars]

Part of the divorce or break-up process is grieving your own dreams of what might have been.  I really struggled with that when my ex and I split up.  I had wanted to raise my children with a mom and a dad in the same house.  I had this ideal version of what life would look like for us as a family, and now there was no chance of that happening.

I got counseling during my divorce to help me work through those feelings and make sure I was focused on what my children needed.  Do you have a a counselor or therapist to help you?

hi thanks
I was going to a therapist in the beginning but it got monotonous and after 3 mo I stopped. It didn’t seem to help much esp at the end.
Actually made it worse. I may go back idk

[Handlebars]

I completely agree and reiterate what Worried is saying here.  If she and bf test positive for drugs, it's not you ruining her custody and nursing degree.  It's her.  You seem to believe she deserves things she doesn't.  What kind of parent is she being?  Is this what your child deserves?  It's not up to you to help her get better.  And it sounds like your gut is telling you that she will continue to let you down and you will have to eventually go down the road you are trying to avoid now.  So, go with your gut.  I know it's not easy, but two good days and then dealing with her tantrums is not a way to live.  I hope you are getting T for yourself.  It does seem like you have a bit of FOG to deal with still. 

You need to be emotionally well to make sure your child has one parent to count on.  I know for me, the damage done to my H has made me had to step up so much more with our kids.  I could not have handled that without the help of my T.  But, the kids are the most important.  And these first years are fundamental.  I worry a lot by what my SS has been exposed to in his short 3 1/2 years.  He will definitely be in T to try to give him the foundation he needs to succeed.

yes harsh realities
She’s a good parent considering her mood swings. She really loved our son and I know she’s so fragile (or unstable?) that if she were to lose custody it would send her down a horrible road. She’s in therapy now, beginning stages and I don’t want to throw her off track. I know it isn’t the best decision and I should go for the jugular but I’m gonna wait for a bit.

[worriedStepmom]

There's a difference between going for the jugular and doing what's best for you and your son.

Is she a good parent, full stop?  Not a good parent, considering ...  or a good parent, despite...  Is she actually a decent parent all of the time?

Is she on drugs when your son is present?  Does she have giant mood swings in front of him?  Is she capable of taking care of his emotional needs when he is with her?  Does she expect him to soothe her when she's upset?

[Joechip777]

My H was terrified to take action to protect SD12 because he was worried that his ex would commit suicide.  He didn't want that on his conscience, and he didn't want his daughter to hate him.  He was very, very deep in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt).  It took years to work his way out of that.

H got primary custody of SD (a 70-30 schedule) last year.  mom cannot handle going so many days without seeing SD, and in the 18 months since then, she has spiraled down enough that she's been in inpatient psychiatric care twice.  We'll have a new custody agreement by the end of the year, and mom will have only 15% of time and no overnights.  If she continues on her path, she'll end up with supervised visitation.  We aren't being vindictive or hateful.  We are protecting SD from her mom's emotional abuse. 

Your job is to do what is best for your son, not what is best for your ex. 

That’s a powerful quote about doing what’s best for your son. I am moving in a similar direction where i am very concerned about what my son’s mother will do once it becomes clear we are moving towards divorce. Her behavior is getting worse and worse and I am starting to see my 3.5 year old son being impacted by this.  Ive tried over and over for her to get therapy and she either cancels the appointments or goes 1 or 2 times and quits. Accepting that everyone is responsible for themselves even when you feel so sad for them is a big hurdle to cross.

[kells76]

Hey Handlebars;

How are things going for you and your kiddo? Get some good Christmas time together? Would love to hear how you're doing, whenever works for you.

Cheers;

kells76

[livednlearned]

A lot of us have a tendency to let our honor codes get in the way of what's best for the child. For me, I think it's because I was taught to suppress and ignore feelings as a child and I struggled to engage empathetically with what my son was experiencing. Those feelings were dormant in me.

Having an unstable, drug-addicted mother is going to severely impact your son's psychological and emotional development. He needs you to put yourself in his shoes as much as you can, to feel what he may be feeling especially during these formative years.

It's honorable that you are concerned about her well-being and don't want her life to be adversely impacted. In the end we all have had to make difficult choices, including prioritizing our children's well-being over that of the BPD parent.

It's a process to get to the point where we see clearly. Unfortunately, the courts tend to look at status quo. The longer something goes on, the less likely they are to change it. And if you come before a judge and say your ex has been abusing drugs for 3 years, a judge will wonder why you let it go on for so long. Then you become as unreliable a parent as the BPD one in their eyes.

I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you find a good therapist. I found straight up talk therapy was less effective than a somatic based therapy (somatic experiencing) because of the disconnect I had learned to emulate between body and emotions. I made more progress with a somatic experiencing practitioner in 3 months than 10 years of talk therapy.

Sometimes it takes finding the right person/practice for us to punch through things and start connecting to feelings we learned to shut down.