I need perspective

[Irabelle]

All,
I had been lurking and reading here over the last week or so. What a great community and resource.
On to the heart of my post. Not too long ago I went through the shock of having my ass dumped over something I would never have expected. I obsessed over it for two days and after looking online and here I have convinced myself that at a bare minimum my former romantic interest has BPD. It fits the bill. There might be other things going on but that’s way over my head if that’s the case.
A few days after they stormed out, I sent an email pouring my heart out. It was received well. Clearly they appreciated my move, admitted that what happened was stupid and that they needed therapy but sounded pessimistic and depressed and did not allude to any desire to meet again. If anything, they said happy birthday in advance of the date by several weeks. I said I would be there for them if they needed me, as I know they have no family and are stewing in loneliness. No response. It’s driving me crazy. I know I can be there for them, if only they’d accept. I’m worried.
So to lighten it up I’m going to propose doing a short day trip we had talked about. I’m just concerned I’m not relating well and that it’s not going to go over well. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I’m so wound up around myself I don’t know anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[halfbunny]

Hi Irabelle!
I‘m very new here as well but can already tell you, you‘ve come to a very supportive warm place

As for your story- I got that exact type of behaviour (and words) as well when I first dated my uBPDex.
Since I had never experienced this type of treatment before, I started clinging. Pouring my heart out, hitting him up periodically to know how he was, practically begging to please be let into his life.
With my present day knowledge of the disorder, I obviously wouldn‘t do that again. Look, pwBPD are terrified of the intimacy they crave so much. The second you get too close, the alarm bells start ringing and the devaluation begins.
The event that led to the breakup may have served as reason to end things when they were about to get too serious (in your person’s mind).
What I want to recommend to you is to give them space. Let them retreat into their cave for now. Thanks to your email they know the door is open but they'll have to walk through it themselves.
Since it doesn’t seem like you’ve been painted black and they are conscious of their share in this situation and based on my experience with the push-pull dynamic in this kind of relationship, I can tell you with some certainty that they’ll be back. I’m quite sure that if I had left my dude alone with his head back then, he would have been back around sooner hah.
That means- keep the initiating low and try not to bring up romantic stuff. Going on a trip with them in their current state of mind may not be the best idea for either of you, I'm afraid.

How long have you two dated and what was the "stupid" occurrence that led to the breakup? What are the signs that make you think your person suffers from BPD?

[Irabelle]

Thanks for the prompt reply. I don’t feel like sharing more details in case they are reading here. The trip would be a few hours and one I frequently make with visitors, pretty low-key.
I have previously lifted one person, arguably two, out of depression through sheer acceptance and support, and it has cost me nothing (except for my time and breath). They’re doing well on their own now. It’s just driving me crazy to not be doing anything about it, I know I can do this and I worry that with so much space we’re losing time and opportunities for them to heal because clearly they’re not doing a great job on their own.
Also, my bad, I shouldn’t have said BPD itself but perhaps borderline personality traits. Maybe mild traits. Still trying to wrap my head around jargon. But after reading here and listening to videos of therapists, couples, etc., and lastly their description in the email of what went on in their head at that abrupt moment, it just fits the bill as far as my lay-person understanding is concerned. We initially went a period between a week to two no-contact for them to settle down (I hoped) while I read up and processed what had happened. Thinking back and remembering their familiarity with personality disorders they had made references to, I think they have an even better understanding than I do but didn’t get around to telling me, for whatever reason. A heads-up would have been appreciated.

[Irabelle]

Also, is there a glossary or list of abbreviations/acronyms? I don’t know what the “u” in uBPDex is.

[Gemsforeyes]

The “u” stands for undiagnosed.  Basically, our romantic partner hasn’t disclosed or to our knowledge has not received  a BPD diagnosis, BUT we see definite traits.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Irabelle]

Thanks, Gemsforeyes.

I just feel so much at a loss. I cannot just do nothing, especially since they don’t have family support. I’m thinking of contacting them in about a week for the sake of a checkin. I’m so desperate I bought a DBT workbook myself. It really should have been them. It’s breaking my heart.

[Irabelle]

I’m struggling with withholding. I want to run over and comfort.
They had told me they were blocking me when the meltdown happened, and I’ll take their word for it. In fact, they blocked me on the only social media platform we had in common and then went so far as to delete their account so they show up as “former XYZ member.” That’s the only one I can confirm. So I used another email account to send the long email where I poured my heart out (described above). After their admitting what had happened was stupid, they wished me well. I don’t know if they blocked that email account, too. I had replied with a couple of sentences telling them the doors of my heart were open, and I have not heard back since. I don’t know if my phone number and/or previous email address are still blocked or not.
I intend to find out by offering to do something that would make them happy. The cause of the meltdown, I believe based on the response, was something I said that led them to think I did not care about their opinion or likes and dislikes and that triggered them, literally. Honestly, it was not true that I didn’t care, quite the contrary, and the reaction was way out of proportion and shocking to me as a first time experience. This is where the above-mentioned short trip comes in. It was something I had said I would like to do for them. I think it would be great if they accepted the offer as I want to show them that there are people who will do things for their happiness, unconditionally, even if they had a terrible family and chose bad partners before (I am under the impression their previous partner abused them). For me it’s part of who I am. They just didn’t know me long enough. I just wonder if it would be too much too soon. I’m not sure if I am able to really understand what’s going on in that mind.
The one thing that leaves me somewhat hopeful is the fact that they actually replied back to the email I sent over a week later where I poured my heart out and they apologised instead of simply ignoring/responding negatively/blocking that one as well. I was not thrilled that they did not indicate wanting to get back. (Something about not being sure they were ready to date or that they ever would be.) I want to. In good time. But I really feel I have one shot left and need to make it a good one. I intend to be as authentic as before. I just might need grounding. This is where your advice might come handy.
Now that I have an idea what that meltdown was caused by, I think I can navigate this. We were pretty good communicators, which is why I was shocked by the meltdown. We were so compatible and the intimacy was up there among the top 3-4 in my life. I was pinching myself that I had found such a catch. Then it all came to a grinding halt with the meltdown. (I knew they had been going through some difficulties in their professional life [money/pay/finances] and I don’t think just having moved out here helped with the stress.)

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Irabelle-

I understand that your intentions come from a loving and compassionate place and I deeply respect that.  However, when pwBPD (people with BPD), or any people for that matter tell us they want space, we’ve got to respect that request.  ESPECIALLY after a BPD meltdown.  It cannot be about what WE think or feel they need. 

Your person has taken steps to cut off contact by blocking and deleting social media.  You have sent a detailed and kind email to your person so he / she knows your feelings and desires.  And now the best posture for you to take is quiet distance.

I know this is painful and difficult.  This “do nothing” when you believe help is in your hands.  But this is beyond your control right now and pushing too hard at this point could end your contact permanently.

My suggestion would be to spend time here, read through the tools workshops and learn what you can about BPD relationships, the disorder itself and communication tools.  Then if and when your person lights up contact, you’ll be better prepared with those tools.

I’m sorry I don’t have better “news” for you, but when our pwBPD need space, violating that hard request can truly end the relationship for good.

It may also be a good idea to look at yourself.  Those of us IN these relationships often find that knowing ourselves better and more deeply often becomes a key component to why we want so badly to “fix” our ailing partners.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Irabelle]

It’s because this is something I have grown into over the past few years. In fact, just two years ago, while travelling, I got a crush on someone who, it turned out, was hung up on someone else, badly. I mean really badly. Bummed as I was, I ended up being this person’s confidante and approximately a month and a half after I had continued on my travels this person got a heart attack - at the age of forty. It was awful and I’m sure in no small part owed to the heart break (and awful diet and no health checkups). I interrupted my travel to go back and give care, after the sibling had left to go back to their life across the country. I stuck around for a whole month to make sure there wasn’t an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. That person went from “I wanna die, I’m ready to die” to trying to get on their feet. We still keep in touch despite the distance and time passed. Everyone, including said person, told me I was out of my mind. I however have no regrets. It was worth it. They later admitted to me how amazing it had been to have that help, although they initially resisted. My pleasure. I wasn’t there to dote and lie that everything was going to be alright, because it wasn’t going to be and it hasn’t been. I was just there for someone in pain. Everything else could wait.
The challenge here is, this is new territory for me. Instead of any other organ, it’s the brain. And the thing that’s driving me crazy is that it’s not like we didn’t like each other. It’s not like work circumstances pulled us apart. It’s not like they became disabled/incapable in some way. There was just an episode, if you will. We are both the same people, ultimately. I’m not deluding myself that I can “fix” whatever it is that ails this possible/mildly borderline personality-traited one. It’s not like I’m bringing out the check book so they can go to therapy like they admitted they needed. But loneliness is a detriment, no question in my mind. It’s killing modern society. And I can’t sit still. I just can’t look away, turn a blind eye, and go about my life like nothing has happened.
I’m going to keep digging here but it is no replacement for what I feel compelled to do. Thank you for all you do for us.

[Irabelle]

I couldn’t resist and two weeks after last contact sent them a gift certificate for spa services out of the blue. The response I got several hours later was embarrassed and apologising, telling me they couldn’t accept it and that I should use it instead. I told them in no uncertain terms that it was theirs. They came around, saying they would book a session, even responded to my email three minutes later, thanking me a lot. That was a week ago. I’m treading lightly. It’s so hard not to just outright say I want to be back together. I can’t understand where the person who was chasing me has disappeared to.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Irabelle-

I understand that your intentions come from a loving and compassionate place and I deeply respect that.  However, when pwBPD (people with BPD), or any people for that matter tell us they want space, we’ve got to respect that request.  ESPECIALLY after a BPD meltdown.  It cannot be about what WE think or feel they need.  

Your person has taken steps to cut off contact by blocking and deleting social media.  You have sent a detailed and kind email to your person so he / she knows your feelings and desires.  And now the best posture for you to take is quiet distance.

I know this is painful and difficult.  This “do nothing” when you believe help is in your hands.  But this is beyond your control right now and pushing too hard at this point could end your contact permanently.

My suggestion would be to spend time here, read through the tools workshops and learn what you can about BPD relationships, the disorder itself and communication tools.  Then if and when your person lights up contact, you’ll be better prepared with those tools.

I’m sorry I don’t have better “news” for you, but when our pwBPD need space, violating that hard request can truly end the relationship for good.

It may also be a good idea to look at yourself.  Those of us IN these relationships often find that knowing ourselves better and more deeply often becomes a key component to why we want so badly to “fix” our ailing partners.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi Irabelle-

I’ll sorry to repost what I posted on November 5th, but I don’t believe anything has changed.  I KNOW your effort in sending the spa gift comes from a truly loving place and you have received a thank you and acknowledgment for that.

At this point, you can ask for nothing more.  And I fear that pushing the issue may result in a painful response from your friend.  You did state earlier in your thread that your person was facing some financial and other difficulties and did not believe now was the proper time for dating or a relationship.  I believe you’ve got to respect the request for space.

Pushing for more will likely hurt you.  Pushing for more May result in more than a “meltdown”.

Your friend KNOWS you want contact.  Again, if you continue to learn about the disorder you’ll be better prepared if and when your person lights up contact.

I’m sorry.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Irabelle]

Interesting. Because I found out after the certificate that they thought I remembered the whole relationship only as the same flavour as the meltdown, which is not true. I’m over that incident and told them I looked back with fondness. That might have been confusing for them. I also added a recommendation I had forgotten about and they replied three minutes later with another thank you. We left it on that positive note. That was about a week ago.

[Irabelle]

All,
An update.
In the weeks following my last post here, I sent my love interest a spa gift card. That, with some patience on my part, opened up communications. We ended up meeting again, hanging out, and eventually admitting to each other that we wanted a second try. I did not ask them about whether they had been evaluated for borderline traits. They talked about some things about themselves and previous relationships. They said that their partners would become their best friends and that eventually they would mess up the relationship and lose both their best friend and their support. I asked that we communicate well. They agreed but, as far as I can tell, didn’t put in effort toward what they were experiencing, assuming it was possible to begin with and they are self-aware enough.
Everything was great for two months, until one fateful evening.
My love interest had to move to another state because of work. They told me one evening, in a public place, that they loved me and wanted me to go with them. I wasn’t expecting either one – the three words or the proposal for me to go with them, although it had come up before, and I had forgotten about it with so much going on in my head with being made redundant shortly after we decided to give us another try – so I was surprised and said I’d have to think about it, even though my brain was screaming “yaaaaaaaaaay” at me. They made a comment that I looked overwhelmed. I wasn’t overwhelmed, I said, but was headed in that direction. I had so many things to think about and plans to change.
They went on in detail about plans travelling to that state, taking some time off, and arrangements between us, down to how much they make. So obviously they had been thinking about this for a while to the point where finances came up. I was still a bit of fish out of water when we embraced and left the establishment. Unfortunately, although they did not let on at the time, they hadn’t taken it well that I wasn’t bouncing up and down with joy, apparently, because the next morning, when I was in a cheerful mood and sent them a cheerful text and reported that I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed, just “whelmed,” that word evidently sent them into a tailspin. (I know there isn’t such a word but we messed around a lot. I mean, A LOT. So I was shocked that they would take something like this the wrong way. Well, apparently they were in a very sensitive place and I had no idea.)

Everything went downhill from there. I never saw them again. My attempts at communications spaced out in the order of weeks to up to a month fell on deaf ears. The first time they had an episode it had lasted only a few days. Now it was for more than a few weeks that they were angry at me. They left town without me.

I’m healing but am still at a loss over the mindf___. I might have been observing them going in car wreck mode in slow motion, as they had been complaining about multiple types of people in their life in the days leading up to that fateful evening (workplace management, colleagues, landlady, pharmacist, etc.) and I might not have realised what was going on.

Although I couldn’t walk in their shoes, I would have gladly walked alongside. It was not to be. They messed up the relationship just as previously described.