Should I step away or keep getting hurt and abused?

[LainyT]

I have a cousin, female, we are both in our mid and late 30s. We currently live in separate states. We’re both immigrants. Our family has experienced much trauma. Our grandparents were Nazi camp survivors. There was also trauma for them around rape, alcoholism, immigration, and poverty. They had 6 kids. My cousin, K, was born out of wedlock, her mother never disclosed who her father was (she’s now passed away), K’s mom was disowned by her parents for a while because of this. K’s mom was also very traumatized, struggled with alcoholism, detachment, and was verbally abusive to K. My mom, her mom’s sister, at an early age determined her life would be different and is a healthy, stable woman. Our family moved to the USA when I was young, and about 10 years later we brought K to live with us. She was undisciplined, rebellious, and incredibly hard to live with. There were many fights. For about ten years, as a young adult, she distance herself from us and moved away. Now for the last 7 years she’s communicating with us again. Things were decent enough until about 3 years ago. Her long term relationship ended, she was in a car accident, developed extreme endometriosis, and it seems like the flood gates have burst open. She’s become unbearable. She’s alienated our entire family, except for me, with her constant arguing, demands, and explosive behavior. With me, she manipulastes me with guilt, accusations. She knows my trigger points and what truly hurts me, and always goes there. We cant have calm conversations. I’ll sit on the phone with her for 1-2 hours at a time, listening to a rollercoaster of manic depressive rants that barely make sense. Everything centers around our family - she feels indignant that she was abused, ostracized, unloved. Yes, her childhood was HARD and unfair. But as an adult she pushes everyone away, fights constantly, can’t sustain any personal relationships and struggles professionally. She’s burned her bridges and I’m the last one who hangs on. But the verbal and emotional abuse is killing me. I’ve tried to lay out borders, guide her to help, redirect our conversations, and tell her when she’s out of line. Nothing works. My family, friends, counselors, everyone I know and respect tells me I have to step away, for her own good and my own sanity. But I struggle. I love her and want her to get help. Two counselors that I’ve worked with, hearing my story and experiences, have unofficially diagnosed her with BPD.

I need help. Do I tell her I think she has BDP and should get help? I can only imagine the barrage of hurtful things she’ll say! Do I cut her out of my life completely? We live hundreds of miles apart, so I know there’s little I can do to help her, other than remain the last family member she communicates with. I love her, I want what’s best for her, but the stress and hurt from this relationship is too much.

Thanks for your advice.  

[Turkish]

Hi LT,



That's a sad history for your family, but I'm glad that you are survivors. It sounds like early childhood trauma tragically affected your cousin.

I'm curious what the others meant that you should stay away "for her good." What do you think that meant?

People with BPD feel core shame, that they are unlovable and unworthy of being loved. A lot of poor behaviors are driven by these deep feelings. 

This may provide some perspective:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

T

[LainyT]

People tell me that I enable her bad behavior, and that as her closest family member, in her eyes I represent the perpetrators and abusers, thus I’m in no position to also be seen as a healer. Every other conversation ends with her telling me I’m dead to her, telling me not to write her again, etc. But we both always end up reaching out to one another. This past time, right after her mother died, she cut ties for 14 months. I reached out several times to check in on her (fearing suicide, as she’s threatened it before) but never got responded to. So I’m wondering if I should give her space, not engage with her, or be the one who helps her get help. Thanks.

[zachira]

You are asking a question that many members ask. It is so hard to step away when we really do care and want to help, yet there comes a point where it is so emotionally exhausting for us, that we consider how to limit our exposure to this person. There isn't just one solution, and what works for you, might not be what somebody else in a similar situation would do. Some members who post here are no contact with a difficult relative whereas others are low contact while trying to have better boundaries with their impaired relative. Some members have gone no contact for a while and then gone low contact, and  sometimes there are several rounds of no contact-low contact until either no contact or low contact becomes the long term solution.