Aging is making things worse

[TelHill]

Hi,

My bpd mom was a horror to live with as a kid.  There is no disputing this.

However, I believe age is making things worse.  Her cognition has decreased, paranoia, delusions along with physical pain has increased. My dad & brother are not helpful for whatever reason.   They both said she’ll be ok & will snap out of it. I don’t think so. My mom has been in bed all day in a haze. She has been seeing bunnies in a mirror this week. She’s a workaholic housekeeper every day, but not this one.

Has anyone tried getting help for a parent when other family members aren’t on board?

I read this and it seems true -  https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/6-causes-paranoia-in-aging/

[Turkish]

Great resource!

The "I" statements,  seem familiar and resources here mention this when communicating with a PwBPD.

Use “I” statements as much as possible. “I’ve noticed you’ve been calling people during the night. I’ve noticed you sometimes have difficulty with your words. I’m concerned and I’ve heard it’s important to have such symptoms evaluated by a doctor, because they can be due to treatable medical problems.”

Frame any suggestions you make as a way to help your mother achieve her goals. For most older adults, these include living at home for as long as possible, maintaining good brain function and physical function, and otherwise remaining as independent as possible.

Avoid relying on logic. Logic never works well when it comes to emotionally-charged subjects. And it especially doesn’t work if people are experiencing any difficulties with memory or thinking. So don’t expect your mom to be logical and don’t rely on logical arguments to convince her.    

As mentioned in the article, there may come a time to get APS involved.  This might be hard if your dad and brother provide cover.  

[Methuen]

I would consider taking her to see her doctor if she is delusional- or to hospital emergency if it is after hours.  Seeing white bunnies in a mirror sounds like a delusion ...?

[TelHill]

Hello all,  she doesn’t want to go to the doctor, and my father and brother say it’s just depression.  I told them both many times over the last year I believe we need to work together to help her. Am ignored.

I have no backup to get anyone involved. It’s stressful to know there are things that could be done for her to resolve her pain and slow cognitive decline.

My brother & dad have their own objectives to keep the status quo of me here. My dad has intensified his campaign to have me sell my place these past few days.  I absolutely will not sell my home. It’s similar to extinction bursts when a person sets boundaries.

I woke up exhausted this morning like most days. I wish I were an only child with a father out of the picture. I would take Swift action. Not sure why enabler dad and split white bro are not willing to do the proper thing.

I have been using I words and telling mom I am concerned for her. I want to help. I have always agreed about her staying in her own home and always have.

I am not electing myself to be the sole caretaker sacrificing my own home and not having friends or time for self care though. Why should I do this with so many other options available, It’s a sexist presumption of my dad and brother.

[zachira]

It hurts my heart to hear that your mother is getting worse, and your father and brother are not doing anything to help. My own mother who met the criteria for multiple mental health diagnosis, got worse with age. I admire how you are respecting your values and refusing to sell your house, that you have decided you won't completely give up your own life for your family. I am thinking that it is important to protect yourself along with your father and brother from being accused of some kind of wrongdoing because your mother is now in a state where she can't take care of herself and needs outside help. I know that you can get an emergency mental health evaluation of your mother if you call the mental health emergency services in your area, and say you are concerned that your mother is unable to take care of herself and you believe she may need to be hospitalized. Keep us up to date on how you are doing and we will keep working with you to help you find workable solutions.

[TelHill]

Hi Zachira,

Thanks to you (& Methuen & Turkish) for your input.

My mom is not the one to report me, though she may be slandering me to make it happen. it would be my brother or dad making a report. . Dad made shocking accusation once. He claimed I hurt them in the middle of the previous night when I said mom needed more help than I can provide. 

I asked my brother to call my mom once a day when she broke her hip to help comfort her.  I sent him a sound video (showing her walker only) of 3 minutes of her moaning in pain. He sent his adult daughter to visit. She told me she was checking things out to make sure all was ok per her dad’s instructions. She looked around the house thoroughly. I feel like they thought I was sticking pins in her or physically abusing her. It was one week after her surgery to repair her hip with a steel rod (it was her upper femur bone to be precise).

I will call APS tomorrow. My mom is suffering, my conscience is bothering me and am perplexed why my brother and dad insist nothing is wrong.

[TelHill]

My goodness. My mother has had a miracle cure. No more pain & she’s walking around like nothing happened yesterday. Meanwhile, I’m a wreck.

I caught myself JADE-ing to her when I explained why I feel so awful this morning. Anyone would feel torn up with this and confused.

I am thinking long and hard about bailing on everyone here. I don’t need an inheritance. I could be wrong but am fooled by my parents & brother to care give. I am upending the balance by not playing the role they expected. (Unmarried daughter care giving.) It upsets the family dynamic. They are trying to bring peace to the family roles.

[zachira]

How frustrating that now your mother is suddenly seeming to do just fine. Do you think she was manipulating everyone with her behaviors or just going through may be another quick switch from one type of behaviors to others? You might want to google "Dissociative Identity Disorder" to see if there is any connection with what you have just experienced with your mother.
I am assuming from your last post that you are thinking about going low/no contact with your mother, father, and brother. However you limit your contact, you may feel more overwhelmed at first than when in contact, as a lot of the feelings that you have not felt safe feeling may come up. When there is a long history of family dysfunction with family members dumping their uncomfortable feelings and responsibilities onto more vulnerable family members, one of the long term goals might be to feel as safe as possible in your own skin without feeling as overwhelmed by what is happening or what has happened in the past when family members behave badly. What do you think?

[GaGrl]

How old are your parenys? I'm wondering if your father needs to be assessed also -- possibility that he is having mild dementia that keeps him from grasping the current conditions?

[TelHill]

Hi guys,

Yes, have been Low to No Contact since age 18. String of parental hospitalizations and husband’s hospitalization and death made me lose my bearings. Too much is too much.

Yes, it sounds like dissociative disorder. It’s getting worse with age and delusions, cognitive loss. I don’t have hope. My brother is not into working with me on getting help.

 I slowed down my thinking to see he was involved with them when I was NC/LC all these prior years. He always lived a few miles away. They both must have given him a bad time painting him black and white. My mom hated his ex-wife. Not surprised if she was the spark that caused the break-up.

I am very stressed out now. Not safe for me to drive in such a state.  I’m finding a bit of agoraphobia in myself. I had it in high school but went away with LC/NC. I need a break & trying to self soothe. Mom is crying again I hear. 

[TelHill]

One final message on this topic. I am feeling better but staying in.  Her next shrink appointment is this Tuesday. I will bring this up with him.

She does take psychotropic meds to ease her symptoms. I ran across this study from which states certain psychotropic medications can worsen dissociative states for bpd sufferers but not for schizophrenics. I’ll show it to her psychiatrist.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6260192/

I’m on the fence about being here part time without assistance of dad or bro. They take her in stride but refuse to take action when needed.  I am not anyone’s mom or babysitter. Time for them to be responsible adults & not hide behind me.

[TelHill]

Am updating this. Mom is faking. My many bursts of posts follow the roller coaster of her behavior problems.

This is the disorder with some minor loss of cognition.  I have had it with caretaking. I am a human Life Alert.

I will buy one for them and spend less time here. I feel used by my dad and brother who have no disorder or mental illness.

[madeline7]

I only have time for a short reply, but want to reach out to you. My elderly widowed uBPDm came to live in the same town as my siblings and I a few years ago and went into independent living. Her borderline behaviors continued and even escalated since my Dad was not there to deal with her, but it looked like normal issues related to ageing to the staff and some. healthcare providers. Mom refused to get help of any sort, and wanted me and my siblings to take over emotional caretaking where my Dad left off. After a few years of manipulating, acting out, etc., I finally wised up. I did reach out to her Dr., a private nurse care manager, and social services at the local hospital. Basically, what I was told was that the family may have to wait for a crisis, discovery in an ER, in order to get anything done, since she technically still had capacity. I was told to pull back, harder than it sounds as you can imagine. But because I sent out emails and had calls, and a paper trail with documentation, I felt better about pulling back. I was told by the healthcare providers that I would not be able to help her, my Dad didn;t help and neither would we. She is unfortunately not going to change and that I should take care of myself.

[zachira]

I am wondering what your plan is to pull back. I echo what Madeleine7 and you have both said that you need to take care of yourself. The reason I ask you about a plan is as you know it is so difficult to know what to do and how to not get embroiled in the latest round of overwhelming family behaviors that hurt you to your very core. Though my situation is of course different from yours and we are different people and come from different families, I can speak from a lifetime of experiences of dealing with a mother and siblings with BPD, along with numerous family members with all kinds  of mental illnesses. I know you have chosen to go low contact which was the choice I have made. I am just wondering how you are going to pull out from being the caretaker for your mom. It might work in the long run to decide you will stay in contact and not do any caretaking. In other words, you may email, send cards, do brief phone calls, make short visits of an hour or so, and you not do more than that. If at any time, you are mistreated, you cut it short: end the phone call, get up and leave, etc., I know it may take a long time to get to this point, yet having an end goal in mind may help you to feel more hopeful and get you to the point where you are just not that involved anymore. Trying to think of what might work in the short and long run, though none of what I have to say may be relevant or helpful.