How to overcome the grief periods.

[secretgirl]

As many of you that have followed a few of my posts know, my ubpdexbf and I broke up about 3ish weeks ago... the last of him I heard was when he asked if I wanted something he had built me while we were still together... and I declined  because of the brutal way our r/s ended, and my own inability to forgive him right now...
I am feeling all sorts of things during this process as I heal, leaving him in my past now... I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. I also feel sadness and at times, I cry.. thinking of the beautiful moments we shared that were so romantic that they seemed to be out of a romance novel/movie.
Then reality hits me again when I read back at my journal entries on how I felt during the "bad times." The false accusations, what a terrible gf I am, name-calling , etc.

I still love him. I still sometimes wish he would ride in on his horse like a knight in shining armor even though my brain logically knows it's just a fantasy... when do these feelings stop? do they ever stop?
I am struggling with these flashbacks ... I wasn't even able to cry until about 2.5 weeks into our breakup. I was so busy with my life and school that it was almost like I did not stop to think of the grief. I feel I have hit that wall now... how do you all cope with the flashbacks of good memories?
Generally I just cry and let myself grieve... but it doesn't make me feel better right now. But it is better than pushing it deeper down back in with my other problems.
I am seeing a new therapist in a couple weeks I'm excited about because she knows my current therapist and she is aware of my codependency and willing to dig  much much deeper into where my own issues stem from, why I am attracted to pwbpd and npd and how I can heal myself. Which I'm SUPER excited about.

In the meantime, the good memories hurt. how do y'all deal? Ugh. Despite how much anger I still hold at times, and frustration at the unending hypocrisy, I can't help but still want to be in that tumultuous r/s.
It took me SO MUCH effort to even peel myself away and stand up for myself this last breakup. Probably why it even ended; I stood up for myself.
I was so proud of myself... and even though I am not questioning my actions right now one bit... I know I did the right thing for me... there's still that nagging feeling of sadness... that little bit of wishful thinking left.

*sigh.*

[once removed]

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

there are a few things complicating your grief.

the first is that there wasnt much in the way of closure. you had a fight, and then just didnt speak, and youd been through that before.

part of you, as you say, holds out hope, understandably so, and probably just in general, wonders when/if youll hear from him.

that little bit of wishful thinking left.

grieving, for me, really began when i let go of that. when i said, regardless of what happens, this relationship is really over. it was one of the hardest things ive ever done. i dont think any of us does it before we are ready.

but a funny thing happened when i did. id been an anxious mess of a basket case for months, it isnt as if i wasnt going through anything. when i let go of hope though, i really began to grieve. it was different. it was dark. in a lot of ways, it got worse. but it was also the beginning of things, slowly, but surely, getting better. grief, going through it, the worst of it, is really the only way through.

In the meantime, the good memories hurt. how do y'all deal?
...
Generally I just cry and let myself grieve... but it doesn't make me feel better right now.

in the same way, there are not magic bullets, nor should there be, when it comes to dealing with grief. you can distract yourself. you can wait for time to simply dull the pain. but for the good memories not to hurt, you have to grieve and mourn them. you have to cry; you have to let them go and acknowledge that they are the past.

a funny thing happens when you do that, too. they dont go away. but they lose the pain surrounding them. you detach from the wounds. i remember the best parts of my relationship even today, but it doesnt hurt at all to do so. i have always said that the way to heal is to really, fully grieve, and not bypass the process.

trust in the process. have patience with it, with yourself. this will not last forever.

[Forgiveness]

I am the same as you: exactly three weeks out.

I think it's normal. Today I miss all the good things about my girlfriend. She would read me poetry until I fell asleep. She would write beautiful love letters. When she was "normal" she was so fun, thoughtful, and romantic. She cooked for me.

I think it's OK to think of the good times. This doesn't mean you should get back together. I am never going to get back together with her and sometimes my brain doesn't want to remember the good things, yet they were real and that is OK. It's just going to take a while to re-adjust to this new life.

Even without BPD, breakups are hard. Even without a breakup, change is hard. I went from having someone who called me five times a day to zero times a day. That's a big cognitive change even without the drama. It takes time for things to settle.  Sometimes I want to share some news with her, some little thing about my day, and I can't call her. That's hard for me too because I was a widow before I met her, and went through a much bigger grief than this three years ago.  I learned that it does get better. I get stronger. Take care and good luck with your new therapist.

[secretgirl]

OR, thank you for your reply...
I think you're right ... it's the suddenness of it all which I think what a lot of us go through on here...  my brain is trying to make sense of it all and it can't so it's frustrating. My family doctor also said that her family has pwBPD in it and that I'll never understand because we don't think the same. That sort of helped, but of course, it still sucks.

wow... so you didn't really start grieving until even subconsciously you let go of the idea of her? That makes sense because when I consciously think about my ex I know it's done but I still have a feeling in the subconscious of the unknown... like you said... will he /when will he come back? Because it has become a pattern.
I'm very sorry you were a basket case... that's hard... I'm scared of becoming that. Maybe I went through something similar the breakup prior to this one... it was weird I went into this emo state of depression, listened to depressing music, cried... then this last breakup I felt like myself again (probably why I stood up for myself). Who knows what that meant for me, personally, but it did help somewhat.

I'm glad to hear even though you cry... the pain surrounding it goes away with time. I guess it's similar to losing people to death then in a way... thank you for the kind words.



Hi Forgiveness, thank you for your reply...
in the good times, your ex sounded very kind...that sounds familiar to my ex...when I was in his "good books" he thought I was the best thing in the world... he used to call me an angel. he cooked for me too, brought me thoughtful gifts, fixed things around my home. He was a very kind individual. 

I think that's what IS the troubling bit... knowing the good times were real... it f*ucks with your head a bit because it makes me feel guilty for not wanting to "understand" the borderline person even more so. But, I know that I can't be his savior. 

You're right... thank you. Even without bpd breakups suck. But I think it's the push pull thing that made it so intense and me want him so badly those "good times."
Sometimes I question myself or what I did wrong... as being codependent, it's hard to let go of something you can't "fix."
lately I've been watching a lot of youtube videos and one really hit it on the head... it's by a woman named Ashley berges.

She posted this video on codependency and BPD's in a r/s together. and the way the codependent feels is exactly how I felt. and in it, she describes how until we are both healthy, it will be as if we are talking different languages and won't  understand each other.
I think, even if you're mentally sound, being with a pwbpd tests all your patience, etc. Maybe mentally sound people can be in r/s's with pwbpd longer whereas with codependents , it falls apart faster because essentially our core comes from no value in ourselves. Since I've known my therapist , I've been less codependent and was able to stand up for myself but I know one thing I'll have to work on in the future is JADE.

Thank you for the kind words.. both of you.
Like you said OR... it's in the good times and the bad times.

Here is the video I was speaking of if you guys or anyone is interested in watching. It might help other codependents

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5Fe1ea9BNs&t=613s


 
 
 

[once removed]

wow... so you didn't really start grieving until even subconsciously you let go of the idea of her?

she broke up with me, and she pretty quickly got with someone else. i held out hope shed come back, even though part of me very much wanted out.

i discovered sometime after we broke up that she was getting into my email address, the one attached to my facebook, and reading stuff. as messed up as it was, that was my one remaining connection to her, and let me know she was thinking of me. i held onto that.

it was probably three months after we broke up that i finally changed my password, gave up hope, and closed the door.

id been dealing with a loss for all that time, dont get me wrong, i had daily crying jags and anxiety attacks. but this was different. dark, and like you said, like a death.

and it should be treated like a death, in the sense that when we grieve a death, we dont try to banish the good times in order to cope. we dont put the person or the relationship down in our minds, in order to cope. we, over time, acknowledge that theyre over. we reach acceptance.

Sometimes I question myself or what I did wrong...

save this for later. it is stage three of detaching. in time, youll want to learn the lessons from this relationship, about yourself, about relationships, and about what you want to take into future relationships.

right now, all of that is very difficult to do or see.

[zuggy333]

I actually had one foot out the door for several months, so I'm hoping the grieving will be a bit easier. The past several months I looked at my b/f as he was talking and simply thought "you're nuts." And he is. I still love him and we had so many good times together, but as he became more comfortable with me I saw his true colors. What's weird is that I'm not at all angry with him. I honestly believe he can't fix something he doesn't recognize. I suppose I'll remember our good times, grieve for them and let the bad times serve as a reminder of why I cannot go back.

[secretgirl]

HEY OR...
I'm so sorry she found someone else so soon... that's an AWFUL feeling I'm sure ... I'm scared of that hence why I don't have my social media active at te moment... it's all deactivated so I can't even creep even if I wanted to.
That would make me want to hold as well... knowing they're getting into our account to just see what we're up to... even though it's not a healthy way of communicating...

you're right ... reaching the acceptance is hard some days... and easy other days...
some days I feel so happy and light and confident in my choice and others I feel depressed and wishing that he could somehow feel my longing for him and come to me... UGH. It's very emotional and all unrealistic.
Even if your ex went back to you or my ex comes back... that's where the true decision lies.
What would I do? I don't think I'd even want this person back in my life again right now.. I'm not ready. I have to heal myself. Build myself up, empower myself, have faith and give myself value again.

I think you're right with the questioning what I did wrong... hopefully later in life my therapist will help me unravel those questions. As for now, I only have an inkling... and it could be simply that I was just too codependent. Relying on someone else to fulfill my happiness. Expecting that from a healthy human-being isn't even right and from a pwbpd, most likely impossible since he was most likely expecting the same from me...

How long did it take for you to get over you ex fully OR?

 




HI ZUGGY,
that's very good you're at a place where you're able to just simply accept your ex for what he was: incapable of truly loving you as a healthy individual.
I think I was one foot out the door also for a while but my heart was almost set on "fixing him" in a sense or being HIS savior. If anything, I almost had a sense of guilt LEAVING him. In the past he would come back to me after fights, sit on my bed and cry asking me to "help him" and that "if I loved him, I'd understand he's messed up and be there." amongst many other things... and those words alone made me feel so guilty I held on to the good times more than the bad, I made excuses for the bad... it's only the last month and a half or so of our r/s where I truly started to get "sick of it."
I think that's the same feeling you describe as "you're nuts." It's almost like a weird light switch goes off in your brain and you're like "ok this is actually crazy..."
That's what allowed me to stand up for myself finally our last fight. it was me looking at the situation more objectively , realizing and TRULY feeling I did absolutely nothing wrong since his accusations were ALL made up, and not wanting to let him get away with it. I was too afraid of what would happen if I were to apologize for something I did not do. So it's a good reminder for sure being able to look at those moments... or for me, reading my journal entries, and realizing why it would be a terrible idea for me to go back right now.

I'm not yet at a healthy place myself. I think to be with a pwbpd , I'd have to see them for what they are, and for what purpose they'd serve me. It's ok to be attracted to them... but then can I stop myself from letting the negative aspects affect me? No, I can't. I'm not at a place where I hold so much value for myself that I can just easily walk away if it's no longer serving me. Hopefully one day I can get there.
 

 
 
 
 
 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey secretgirl, I think it's normal to miss the good times, yet it takes effort to recall the turmoil and drama, which we tend to repress.  The reality of BPD is that there is no Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde, which is difficult to accept.  I think you are doing the right thing by acknowledging your feelings as they arise, rather than submerging them.  I'm here to confirm that is does get better, so I would encourage you stay the course. 

LuckyJim

[secretgirl]

Hey secretgirl, I think it's normal to miss the good times, yet it takes effort to recall the turmoil and drama, which we tend to repress.  The reality of BPD is that there is no Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde, which is difficult to accept.  I think you are doing the right thing by acknowledging your feelings as they arise, rather than submerging them.  I'm here to confirm that is does get better, so I would encourage you stay the course. 

LuckyJim

Thank you LJ.
those are kind words.
It definitely does take effort to recall the bad... in a way, it's good we can't because imagine being able to recall surgery pain, childbirth etc etc.
But that's also why I think I have to re-read my journal entries on "the bad" to remind myself of how I felt during those times.
I'm glad to hear it gets better... it worries me sometimes that these feelings will keep coming back to haunt me.

[once removed]

How long did it take for you to get over you ex fully OR?

all in all, about a year, after a nearly 3 year relationship (we were friends for 3 years before that). it probably would have been faster if id had a more fulfilling life at the time. i was fairly isolated in a lot of it. i think that surrounding yourself with positive people, things, is really important.

probably over the pain around eight or nine months, but i had a while there where feelings of injustice, wanting her to get hers, that stuff really nagged at me. i worked through it, it dissipated.

but what does it mean to really get over someone?

if you do nothing but sit in a room for six months, i promise you youll feel better at the end of it. time will dull the pain, but it wont heal the wounds.

after around a year, i started dating again. not a lot had changed. i made, arguably, even stupider choices in partners. a lot of us do that...carry the baggage into the next relationship(s)...maybe go through this again, maybe go through it a couple more times.

you will feel better in time. feeling better doesnt mean that the work will be done.

i came here, and i realized my wounds had more to do with me than my ex ever did. today im not the same guy. and i make better, happier, healthier choices.

do that work in due time. for now, take good care of you.

[secretgirl]

Hey OR... wow that's a long r/s so makes sense it takes a while to get over...
Yeah.. I think a lot of people dating pwbpd/npd get isolated. I know my BPD ex tried isolating me from a lot of my friends... He was very insistent a lot of my friends were "bad influences"... the good thing is, although I told him I'd cut ties... I did not. I guess that's one risk I took. I would never leave my friends. I just told my ex that I would "limit contact" but didn't put a specific meaning to it so I guess in a way it's lying but in a sense it's also a preservation thing for myself. I've already had experience with my one NPD ex of three years isolating me completely from everyone and turning me against my own family so I've already done this dance before... and when we broke up , I was SO ALONE. So I knew the manipulation that was coming from my ubpdex trying to cut me off from my friends and I knew it's not something I'd ever do again.

Yeah I think a lot of us want to feel like we can "get them back" at some point. For me , I don't think that bothers me. I know in my heart it bothers me but I know he can't help it he's ill.

I agree... and I'm sorry to hear you went through similar relationships after... but it's nice to hear you did some work on yourself too and ended up in a place where you can make confident choices you're happier with.
That is sort of the stage I'm at now... My therapist and I had a chat about that exact topic today... she said I have much of my own healing to do even before I can accept another person with bpd or other mental health issues into my life without letting the negative effect me. She said it's fine to be attracted to pwbpd but then learning how to cope with their behavior is a whole other story and one must be very mentally sound. Which I am not. But I did know this in myself when I refused to take my ex's item... I knew in my heart I was not ready to go through it all over again possibly. I'm not there yet.

Thank you for sharing your story with me... it makes me feel better in a sense that someone so seemingly enlightened as you are once went through very similar things.

[Lucky Jim]

But that's also why I think I have to re-read my journal entries on "the bad" to remind myself of how I felt during those times.

Hey secretgirl, Right, it's worth revisiting those journal entries.  Yes, I'm guessing that your experiences took a toll on your self-esteem.

I just told my ex that I would "limit contact" but didn't put a specific meaning to it so I guess in a way it's lying but in a sense it's also a preservation thing for myself.

Agree, those w/BPD don't foster open communications, so a lot of stuff gets driven underground.  It is a function of self-preservation for the Non in order to avoid an emotional explosion.  Isolation is a technique used for breaking down prisoners of war and has no place in a healthy r/s.

LJ

[secretgirl]

Hey secretgirl, Right, it's worth revisiting those journal entries.  Yes, I'm guessing that your experiences took a toll on your self-esteem.

Agree, those w/BPD don't foster open communications, so a lot of stuff gets driven underground.  It is a function of self-preservation for the Non in order to avoid an emotional explosion.  Isolation is a technique used for breaking down prisoners of war and has no place in a healthy r/s.

LJ

Hey LJ.

yeah it does lower your self-esteem. I literally started to not feel value for myself and forgot all the fun bits about me. I used to joke around and eventually even my jokes were unwanted or taken the wrong way (they aren't even disrespectful jokes haha).

I just wasn't myself anymore I felt so trapped. I started to feel like I was suffocating near the end. Had major anxiety.

I agree with the isolation.. that's so cruel when comparing it to war... it actually opens my eyes more when you say that because when you're in it it's almost like you downplay it a bit... and now thinking back , it's completely unacceptable. How have you gotten through your grief periods LJ?

[Lucky Jim]

How have you gotten through your grief periods LJ?

Hey secretgirl,

I acknowledge my feelings as they arise and let them pass through me, generally by taking steps to process them.

How to process?  That's up to you, but you could: write in a journal; reach out to a close friend or family member; schedule an appointment with a therapist; get a physical workout; take a walk in the woods or on the beach; practice mindfulness; do something creative, like playing a musical instrument or doing artwork; etc.  You get the idea!

LJ

[secretgirl]

Hey secretgirl,

I acknowledge my feelings as they arise and let them pass through me, generally by taking steps to process them.

How to process?  That's up to you, but you could: write in a journal; reach out to a close friend or family member; schedule an appointment with a therapist; get a physical workout; take a walk in the woods or on the beach; practice mindfulness; do something creative, like playing a musical instrument or doing artwork; etc.  You get the idea!

LJ

Hey LJ thank you! I do all those things so I guess it's working... I could do a bit more of playing music and practicing mindfulness. I don't think I practice that enough. Thank you for the suggestions and advice LJ