uBPD Mom threatening with police

[skylark23]

Hey everyone,

I went NC with my uBPD about a month ago. I simply stopped responding to any of her messages, deleted them, and moved on. I've been fine with it. She ramped up the attempts to contact by sending a package, a letter from my sister, a few links to articles, and messages insisting I let her at least know if I got the package. I had decided to not explicitly tell her we were NC based on her past track record of blatantly ignoring any boundaries I set, and trying to escalate the situation.

A family member that knows both sides and stays in contact texted me a heads up that she is considering calling the local police to do a welfare check since she hasn't heard anything from me. I don't know if she would add in her theory that my husband is controlling and restricting me from all contact with my family (i.e. her).

I'm not looking for legal advice but wondering has anyone been in a similar situation? My husband is very angry and was ready to cuss her out but I had him delete her phone number and told him under no circumstances is he to contact her especially considering her above theory.

I'm going to call and talk to that family member and feel out the situation a little more, but at this point I'm guessing I will have to be very direct with her and outline the situation.

Anyone have (non-legal) advice?

[TelHill]

I’m sorry she is threatening to pull out all stops. IMO, your mom is bluffing so you’ll contact her.

I’ve never had this happen so please take this suggestion with a grain of salt. Maybe call the local police. Let them know your mom has mental health challenges & may call them for this. Perhaps your relative can back this up.

The police are used to dealing with all kinds of family issues — all far worse than this. They may be relieved you are being proactive. A bogus welfare check up takes them away from real police work.

You have some power in this situation.   

[zachira]

If the police do come out, I would be honest with them about what is going on. Once they know the situation, they won't be manipulated into doing more welfare checks.

[Harri]

A welfare check is just that, to make sure you are okay.  Like zachira said, if they come out they will see you are okay and you can tell them a bit about your mom.  I would not go into too much detail. 

I had decided to not explicitly tell her we were NC based on her past track record of blatantly ignoring any boundaries I set, and trying to escalate the situation.

It seems to me that her asking for a welfare check is a natural extension of this.   

I'm going to call and talk to that family member and feel out the situation a little more, but at this point I'm guessing I will have to be very direct with her and outline the situation.

What more information do you need?  As for telling your mother directly, do you want to talk about that?

[skylark23]

A welfare check is just that, to make sure you are okay.  Like zachira said, if they come out they will see you are okay and you can tell them a bit about your mom.  I would not go into too much detail. 

Thanks Harri - I was pretty upset earlier and not sure what to do. I am frustrated that I can go in tailspin just like that, but then, that is a big reason I decided to go NC. I want to have less reactive emotions. I will be taking your advice (if any officers do ever show up) and work on calming myself down over here.

It seems to me that her asking for a welfare check is a natural extension of this.   

Good point. It came as a shock as I was always the "golden child" and never before had anyone ever, ever threaten to call the police on me, for any reason.

What more information do you need?  As for telling your mother directly, do you want to talk about that?

I wanted to know how serious she was (was it an off-handed, ranting comment) or was I to expect a cop on my doorstep in the next half-hour. We can usually tell when she is ranting/manipulating or not. I also wanted to know if, as part of the welfare check, she would be alleging that my husband was abusive/controlling/what not. Apparently she didn't bring that up, but we have been considering taking legal steps to ensure that she wouldn't ever be able to get custody of our children for any reason. We didn't actually think it was a very immediate concern, but now we are probably going to get that paperwork taken care of.

Yeah, I think I need to work out how to directly address this to her. I want to be respectful but firm and just be done.

[Harri]

Hi skylark   

Thanks Harri - I was pretty upset earlier and not sure what to do. I am frustrated that I can go in tailspin just like that, but then, that is a big reason I decided to go NC. I want to have less reactive emotions. I will be taking your advice (if any officers do ever show up) and work on calming myself down over here.

I can see why you would be thrown by this especially when you are still, as you say, reactive.  It takes time to become less so.   It helps me to build on my successes. 

So, with this issue, you came here and posted rather than freak out.  That is a success. 
You calmed down in a really short time.  That is a success. 
You have a plan.  That is a success.

Build on this.  Work on coming up with something short, and direct regarding your wish to have no contact.  Become comfortable with setting boundaries with others... and what to do when they push them.
Practice with 'easier' people before you have to do so with your mom.  Keep building on the successes and that in turn will build your confidence that you can handle this because you can.

There are different ways of building on our successes.  I am not full of ideas on how to do it when NC as I used LC to do this very thing and to help me detach so things are a bit different.  Regardless, we can help you.  A big part of it is finding your voice and knowing you have the right to say no, set limits, set boundaries for yourself and family and your mom will still be your mom but you can change.

Now, as an aside, reading your post I was reminded of when I first came here.  There was a member who posted that her mother, who lived in another state and with whom she had NC, called the police in her state and reported that her daughter (the member) had died and she was concerned about her husband as she could not reach him.   She asked for a wellness check.

So the police show up, the husband answers the door and the officer expresses their condolences on the loss of his wife... and there she was in the next room.

Infuriating?  You bet!
Frustrating?  Yep, that too.
Hysterical?  I think so...

It came as a shock as I was always the "golden child" and never before had anyone ever, ever threaten to call the police on me, for any reason.

I hear you.  If they come, they are not looking to arrest you or anything.  They are coming to check on you.   

I wanted to know how serious she was (was it an off-handed, ranting comment) or was I to expect a cop on my doorstep in the next half-hour.

I understand. 

As TelHill said, the police are used to dealing with all types of family situations.  I think they will be able to see clearly that things are okay with you and your husband.  I do agree that taking steps to ensure the care of your children is wise.   

[TelHill]

Good point. It came as a shock as I was always the "golden child" and never before had anyone ever, ever threaten to call the police on me, for any reason.
I wanted to know how serious she was (was it an off-handed, ranting comment) or was I to expect a cop on my doorstep in the next half-hour. We can usually tell when she is ranting/manipulating or not. I also wanted to know if, as part of the welfare check, she would be alleging that my husband was abusive/controlling/what not. Apparently she didn't bring that up, but we have been considering taking legal steps to ensure that she wouldn't ever be able to get custody of our children for any reason. We didn't actually think it was a very immediate concern, but now we are probably going to get that paperwork taken care of.

Yeah, I think I need to work out how to directly address this to her. I want to be respectful but firm and just be done.

If you are in a city, they may call you first if they are busy.. I mentioned calling the police first because your mom may use this as a means to harass you a few times before the police realize she had mental health issues. My city force talks with all parties with these civil related matters. I have had to call the cops myself due to my small business. They aren’t nasty or brutish. If you call or they contact you, it’s not a big deal.

In line with the above, if she is not in contact with you, how does she know your husband is allegedly abusing you?  What proof does she have?  The adult person being abused is the only one who can press charges unless there is a 3rd party witness who has seen everything firsthand.

I don’t know about a grandmother’s rights and what they entail. It makes sense to get paperwork drawn up to protect yourself. Do it quietly & respectfully. Keep your cool. She sounds h3ll bent on making trouble for you.  You are smart not to tangle with her.

You can write her a respectful note telling her you wish no contact for the near future. My gut feeling tells me to get it sent recipient signature required. You need proof you did this. Also, it may be useful to cut off all means of communication with her. She will try and try. My mom never gave up contacting me when I said no contact. It was a never-ending extinction burst from her.

As a lifelong scapegoat/split black, it is tough work dealing with a bpd parent. It’s a bit more bearable going NC or LC, but still hard. We deserved love and safety. We had bad luck by getting a disordered parent who does not know they are doing harm.

 

[skylark23]

TelHill, zachira, thank you so much. Your advice is reassuring and encouraging. Might sound strange but I feel secure just knowing I have support on this forum.

Telhill, we moved to a rural area just outside a small town a few months ago. I went to the PD on my way in to town this afternoon, but it was locked! Apparently they don't get many walk-ins on Sundays. I was kind of tickled by that. I've decided that I'll wait to address it until if/when an officer shows up. As far as the potentially alleged abuse...so she doesn't have any evidence whatsoever. It's just one more nasty thing she's been telling anyone in the family back home. She's saying that he must be keeping me from contacting her much/at all because he is a controlling person. I don't know if her motivation is that she won't let herself believe that I would willingly put distance between us or what, but it doesn't really matter.

I agree with the signature requested, whenever I go that route. I have known she is capable of this sort of thing (my parent's divorce was uuuugly, and my black sheep sister dealt with a lot of crud before going very LC.) I just never expected it to come my way. It's a bit disorienting.

[TelHill]

my black sheep sister dealt with a lot of crud before going very LC.) I just never expected it to come my way. It's a bit disorienting.

BPD mom might need a new target and you’re it. Don’t know if your sister has recently gone LC, or your mom has had a life change - perhaps you moving where she feels vulnerable  -I don’t know.  I’ve seen this at work with bullies who get push back from a victim (who becomes a victor as a result) They always go on to torment someone else. Good luck and please don’t take it personally.