Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend for my daughter?

[Dhsf]

Hello,

I’m new here. I have a 16-year-old daughter recently diagnosed with BPD. she has many things that trigger outbursts, but the biggest is me having a boyfriend. If I spend time with him, or even say his name or if she sees that he texts me, she goes into a fit of rage. She has combed the streets looking for me, smashed a wine bottle-  called me vulgar names... she’s never actually met him but is convinced that he’s no good for our family. She’s called my parents and sisters and made up stories, telling them that I’m missing, drunk and ignoring my children. (So I am now estranged from them.) All of this usually ends in her weeping and begging me not to leave her. She won’t spend any time with her father and has started turning down social events so she can “watch” me.

My extended family can’t understand why I would “choose a man over my daughter.” But the therapists say if I do what she asks I’m just sending her a message that if she throws a big enough fit I’ll give in. I adore my boyfriend but I decided If it would help her I’d leave him, even though it breaks my heart. Continuing the relationship seems hopeless- she doesn’t seem like she’ll ever be accepting.

Last week I broke up with him for her. I told her so and she’s been great ever since. he and I are very sad even though He’s very understanding. Her siblings are constantly angry with her, and now they’re upset that she got her way yet again. and of course my ex blames me for all of this, saying I made her this way by giving in to her all the time. She definitely controls the household. We’re all walking on eggshells.

Nobody knows what it’s like to live with her. I’d do anything to stop the fits. But now I’m feeling resentful, and find myself wishing away the next 1.5 years until she goes to college. Which, of course, makes me feel terribly guilty. My daughter is creative, brilliant, successful in school, and incredibly kind. Adults love her and she’s a very popular babysitter!  Nobody can believe what I go thru at home.

I’ve got 1.5 years to help her become a functioning adult capable of going away to college and having normal relationships. I just want to do the right thing for her!

Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello dhsf and welcome to the group. We are glad you are here. What you are going through with your daughter sounds familiar to many of us. We get it. Since you asked, my own thoughts on the matter are similar to those of the therapists. If your goal is to encourage your daughter to become a functioning adult she needs to learn that she does not control other people. Your life is your own just like her life is her own. If you basically sacrifice your life to assuage her tantrums she will never grow up and find other ways of coping with life's inevitable frustrations. I would go back to what seems to be a very healthy relationship with your boyfriend and not give in to your daughter's rages. Otherwise it will never end. She will learn that tantrums work ans keep throwing them. I wonder. Do you think this behavior has to do with you and her dad breaking up?

[Dhsf]

Thank you for the kind response. Ive been reading other posts too and it makes me feel better. I know what you’re saying is true. Unfortunately the pressure from my extended family exasperates the situation. They don’t believe in mental illness or self- care. So even though I was firm on following the advise of the therapists her last episode, and their mean words, left me feeling hopeless. 

In a roundabout way, yes her behavior did contribute to the failure of my marriage. However, he is most definitely a narcissist and he had (has) a very different way of responding to her. I spent her whole life protecting her from him. He saw it as defying him and turning the children against him. Now, with her therapist saying, basically, that I’ve created a monster by giving in to her, he gets to gloat. If he hadn’t abused her (and me) emotionally I wouldn’t have had to protect her!

My bf is so sweet, he always says he’ll take what he can get. So even though I broke up with him last week, we decided to try to see each other when she’s not around. But I feel so dishonest, and it’s not fair to him either. I’m a terrible liar! Plus I don’t think I should have to lie...

[Lollypop]

Hi there dhsf

I’ve not been around much on the forum, stopped in this morning and felt I had to say hello,

Our bpd kids are used to controlling and they become unbalanced when things aren’t going their way. Change is a problem and can be threatening to them. They need to learn how resilient they are and this can be achieved by experience.

You have every right to have friends of your own choosing. Just as your daughter does. You also have the right to change your mind about your decisions. We all make mistakes, often because we make them when we’re feeling emotional. Being able to share this with another  is a sign of a healthy relationship.

We aren’t responsible for how others react. They are responsible for their own behaviours. We are responsible for ours.

Sorry if this comes across preachy. I don’t have much time and am writing quickly. I’m so very sorry you’re having a tough time with your daughter. This is a long game, it’s forever and we are here to try to explore a way forwards for healthier relationships in our lives. Honesty and truth are at the core...these need careful interaction skills when bpd is involved. The good news is they can be learned here!

You can take control back over your life, gently...confidently.

LP

[Blueskyday]

Don't do it!
I went through all of that. She stormed out at 16 because I met someone..made herself homeless and ended up staying with heroin dealers. On and on it went with every attempt by me to make a life. He left of course.
Anyone else was put off by her instant hostility. I gave up.

My name is tarnished ..all who know her loathe me..She has dragged my name through the mud for  almost 20 yrs.

My partner had died. I tried to explain that I needed a someone and her response was "You have no idea how hard its been for me. No one ever asks me out.at least you had a partner".

She is 30 now and is off her meds..I am again dealing with the teenager. We are estranged again.

Now at 54 next week I find myself totally isolated, probably very clinically depressed and not a soul in my life.

[Dhsf]

@lollypop not preachy at all! I just want to find a way to put it into practice.

@blueskyday you are still young! You should move towns and start fresh. It’s sad for you to be living in misery.

I’m working on getting my daughter all the help I can- so far she doesn’t use alcohol or drugs and gets great grades. In the world she’s perfect. Reading everyone’s post makes me fear it’s inevitable. I hope not?

[FaithHopeLove]

What do you feel is inevitable? No contact?

[Dhsf]

@faithhopelove no, substance abuse.

[FaithHopeLove]

Lots of people with BPD do try to self medicate and end up with a drug problem but I would not say it is inevitable.

[Lollypop]

Hi dhsf

working on getting my daughter all the help I can-

You obviously love your daughter very much and she’s lucky to have you in her life. When my son was 16 I tried to move heaven and earth to the detriment of all my other relationships. I felt if I could just get him on the right track, laying opportunities before him he’d just see and change accordingly. Then I learnt that I had to be the one to change because he has bpd and can’t. Well, not on his own volition because he had no motivation to change.

I’m so very sorry you’re going through this and trying to find a way to see your bf. that must be really stressful. Also setting yourself a task for your daughter to “be a functioning adult capable of normal relationships”.

I too set myself a plan and succeeded somewhat. Relationships with family are much improved. Personal relationships are still a challenge for him, including with his bosses.

Can you be more specific about what exactly “functioning” means to you?  I ask because it can mean very different things to many people.

LP

[Dhsf]

@lollipop thank you for the support! Your words about getting him on the right track really hit home. I’m just starting to face the reality that I cannot reason with her because her feelings aren’t rational. The book “walking on eggshells” has really helped me with that. I’m trying new ways of communicating and validating her feelings. It’s so hard to wrap my head around because she’s an intelligent girl! But I’m learning this has nothing to do with intelligence.

She plans on going away to college. I want her to be able to have boyfriends, roommates, bosses, friends and not repeat the behaviors I’m seeing with myself, her siblings and her father. I want her to have coping skills so that if things don’t go her way (like someone eats fish in her presence which is currently a trigger) she can get thru it without breaking down. I want her to be able to handle stress and I certainly don’t want her to use drugs. Right now she can’t even do her homework without me being within arms reach for emotional support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there

But I’m learning this has nothing to do with intelligence.

Exactly. But there are limitations and your daughter and your situation are unique. There may be similarities to others here in the forum who have already walked the walk who can offer support and guidance as we carry on with our personal journeys.

You want for your daughter, all the things we want for our own. Some may be possible, others may be a lifelong challenge. I chose to focus on my core relationship with my son28 as my number 1 priority. I altered the feel of my family environment. My adult son is super sensitive.

By demonstrating my newly learnt validation and interaction skills the rest of the family watched and learned without really being aware of it. I was open and honest in all things - I told my family things were going to be different and I proved it by altering how I interacted. Slowly things began to improve - and I’m talking tiny improvements. Even having one short successful interchange was a small success.

Your daughter is only 16 and there’s a lot of growing up to do. She may be ready in 1.5 years and she may not, she may change her mind. I’m so pleased you’ve started your reading and practising validation. Validate, validate and validate some more - it’s like they feed off it, like a toddler. How we go about this is quite simple - be authentic, warm and smile. A big hug when you struggle to find the right words can go a very long way,

All our kids want is to be understood and loved. That’s all we want too,  

Their life may not be the one we planned or hoped for. As realisation dawns, there’s some grief in there to process.

Having your daughter function better in your family unit seems like an excellent place to start. I have a younger son who I have helped learn and cope with better boundaries. How are your other children coping?

LP

[Dhsf]

Thank you your words give me hope.

My 14-year-old son is fed up. He shouts at her (I think since I don’t anymore) and he is angry at her. My 11-year-old daughter is quiet. I am getting a dog for her, which my bpd daughter is very anxious about and lashing out. But I did it in a moment of deciding she can’t rule the home anymore. Now we’re all nervous about what we’ll have to put up with. In short, They are resentful.

I’m afraid there is no hope for her to tolerate these situations in which she has no control and I’m afraid no amount of telling her that I won’t replace her with a dog or a boyfriend will move the dial. My words don’t make a dent.

[Lollypop]

Hi again,

I have a 10 year gap between my two sons. They kind of tolerated one another and my youngest was definitely affected by the arguments at home. In public, the youngest was embarrassed by his older brother’s behaviour and bad reputation. Resentment is part of the territory.

A dog sounds fun and a great example of non-conditional love. Your home atmosphere will change immensely and hopefully some family dog walks! I found that whenever I got one of my sons to join me on a walk (or in the car) they would start opening up and a perfect opportunity to just listen and validate.

LP