Bpd traits what I do in the grip of it

[Zabava]

Hi all,

I need some help.  I am feeling extreme shame about my fear of abandonment and how it drives some bpd traits.   When I am in the grip of the fear I text or message my friends and past friends/anyone who will listen and ask for reassurance. 

It is humiliating and needy and  I feel ashamed because I don't reach out to my husband for support in my worst moments.  I don't feel like I can trust him with my feelings because I feel he has abandoned me emotionally over and over in the past.

[Harri]

Hi Zab.    I am glad you shared.  It is okay.  We've got you.  

I hear you saying you feel shame for being needy (your word) and reaching out for help and reassurance.  Is that right?  

I think what you say about your husband is significant:

I feel ashamed because I don't reach out to my husband for support in my worst moments.

Do you believe you 'should' be reaching out to him?  

I don't feel like I can trust him with my feelings because I feel he has abandoned me emotionally over and over in the past.

This certainly puts the above in context, or so it seems to me.

If he has abandoned you over and over again, that hurts and feels horrible right?   You recognize your feelings and I would imagine that must be upsetting all on its own... the reality of your situation.  Am I way off here?

Edited to add:  why not drop the BPD label here?  There are a lot of people who do this when they are upset.  I am not minimizing what you are experiencing.   It seems to add to your shame in a way.  It is hard for us who grew up with a parent with BPD traits, diagnosed or not.  We will have unhealthy behaviors, we will reach out to others for support and sometimes we may be needy.  I think it is part of the human condition really.  It also happens with depression, PTSD and other anxiety disorders, addictions, etc.  Maybe this label is not a healthy one for you to use? 

[Zabava]

You are right on point Harri.  My T. asked me recently if I was afraid of healing because I might leave my marriage if I get well. 

I have felt very alone and unhappy fot some time but I know my dh has no idea.  I feel like i'm betraying him by posting here.I feel alone but maybe this is just the nature of marriage.

[R2D2]

Hi Zabava,

I just wanted to say I hear you. I felt completely alone in my marriage for years, and I can see how if I had done my healing work without my husband's interest or involvement, I might have left my marriage behind. Have you considered communicating your feelings about this to your husband? I know it's not easy, especially when there is a history of emotional neglect or abandonment, but he may not know how his behavior hurts you unless you voice it.

A template I've used is "I feel ____ when you ____. I need ____."

In my experience, disconnection and emotional neglect have been a common pattern in marriage, but not an inevitability. When both partners are willing to do the work to heal as individuals, they really can come together in partnership as a couple. We can't make our spouses do the work, but we can do OUR OWN work, and invite them along. 

[GaGrl]

Your T's observation is insightful. Even if it turns out not to be the case, it's never a bad idea to revisit the state of our marriage.

[Harri]

I have felt very alone and unhappy for some time but I know my dh has no idea.  I feel like i'm betraying him by posting here.

And the anxiety just added to the shame?  Do you vent about your husband to your friends?  Is that part of why you feel shame around this issue?

You took a huge step in opening up about something you said you feel a great deal of shame about.   That you did so is a huge step in the right direction!  How do you feel?   I feel proud of you.   

[Turkish]

I don't feel like I can trust him with my feelings because I feel he has abandoned me emotionally over and over in the past.

How has he abandoned you emotionally in the past?

[Zabava]

Yes Harri, I absolutely vent to my friends.  One of my close friends listens but then gives me perspective.  She reminds me of the ways my dh takes care of the family in practical ways and reminds me how difficult marriage can be. 

Turkish,

Perhaps it would be more accurate to say "I felt emotionally abandoned when..." rather than I was emotionally abandoned.  So, I felt emotionally abandoned when he left me day after day with my 14 year old who was mentally ill and refusing to go to school.  I fought tooth and nail to get her into a hospital program and all he did was come home and say "why didn't you make her go to school?"

I felt alone many times when my kids were young.  He used his 10 vacation days to go on a trip with his parents every year for the first 8 years of our marriage. As the kids got older they would ask why isn't Daddy spending his vacation with us?

I felt abandoned when I was so depressed that I was weeping most  days and my friends were scared for my life, but he was oblivious. 

Harri,

This is part of the guilt.  I turned to my friends and told them how bad  I felt.  I made a safety plan with one of my friends because I was afraid I would walk into my local lake with rocks in my pockets.  I even walked to the lake late one night and when I came home, noone even noticed I was gone.  That made feel very much alone. 

[Longterm]

Hi Zabava.

When I am in the grip of the fear I text or message my friends and past friends/anyone who will listen and ask for reassurance.  

It is humiliating and needy and  I feel ashamed 

I just want to add that I have often felt like this, especially when in my marriage. I have learned over time that when I reach out it's not because I'm needy but in fact, I'm in need of help.

LT.