contact reestablished but he pulls back after any progress

[Depression = 72% of members]

hi,

my ndpBDP moved out of our apartment at the end of August.

Since mid September we have been in contact and he pops round sporadically usually when drunk.

everytime he talks about how his future is bleak. He wants marriage and a baby (mostly adds with me) but cant due to money problems/lack of money/no house/ no car

he has been suicidal during some of the messages. but thankfully nothing of that kind during the last month.

a couple of weeks ago our dog had a health scare and needed a biopsy.  During the wait he asked to come. He came last Saturday, we both shed a few tears about the prospect of her being ill and then we ended up chatting, he reiiterated again what he wants he stayed the night and left for work in the morning.  he said he would come tuesday, as his day off was monday.

 Tuesday the biopsy results were in and thankfully it was benign, so then i thought he wouldnt show that night.  that night he messaged asking do i want to live with him again, i said yes do you, he said it depends if i believe you. i dont want fights again, i dont know if i trust you to respect my family (the reason he left)

he went on to say hes shocked that i havent been messaging him/calling him since he left, i said you didnt want it so i respected that, but i have wanted to message you every day.  he aid if he believed me that I could be good he would move back home., he said again he wants to start a future, get married and have a baby, i said why dont you come and talk.

he came. we spoke and spent the night together, we woke up and went for breakfast with our dog everything was good. I was trying not to push particular subjects and just take baby steps.  he sad he would come back sunday and we could rent a car and go somewhere altogether with the dog on monday.

sunday came...he cancelled.  with no explantion

he said that he would still come today for the car.

he messaged and said he found a rent a car if i say ok he will call the man to get it.  but he doesnt want to do it. he just wants to lie in bed.


i said i really want to do it but if you dont want to im not going to force you, maybe we can do it next week again

now what should i do?

anyones thoughts on him making plans and then cancelling?

[blackorchid]

hi,

my ndpBDP moved out of our apartment at the end of August.

Since mid September we have been in contact and he pops round sporadically usually when drunk.

everytime he talks about how his future is bleak. He wants marriage and a baby (mostly adds with me) but cant due to money problems/lack of money/no house/ no car

he has been suicidal during some of the messages. but thankfully nothing of that kind during the last month.

a couple of weeks ago our dog had a health scare and needed a biopsy.  During the wait he asked to come. He came last Saturday, we both shed a few tears about the prospect of her being ill and then we ended up chatting, he reiiterated again what he wants he stayed the night and left for work in the morning.  he said he would come tuesday, as his day off was monday.

 Tuesday the biopsy results were in and thankfully it was benign, so then i thought he wouldnt show that night.  that night he messaged asking do i want to live with him again, i said yes do you, he said it depends if i believe you. i dont want fights again, i dont know if i trust you to respect my family (the reason he left)

he went on to say hes shocked that i havent been messaging him/calling him since he left, i said you didnt want it so i respected that, but i have wanted to message you every day.  he aid if he believed me that I could be good he would move back home., he said again he wants to start a future, get married and have a baby, i said why dont you come and talk.

he came. we spoke and spent the night together, we woke up and went for breakfast with our dog everything was good. I was trying not to push particular subjects and just take baby steps.  he sad he would come back sunday and we could rent a car and go somewhere altogether with the dog on monday.

sunday came...he cancelled.  with no explantion

he said that he would still come today for the car.

he messaged and said he found a rent a car if i say ok he will call the man to get it.  but he doesnt want to do it. he just wants to lie in bed.


i said i really want to do it but if you dont want to im not going to force you, maybe we can do it next week again

now what should i do?

anyones thoughts on him making plans and then cancelling?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear blackorchid-

First, I’m very glad that your beloved dog is okay.

It’s nice to see you back on the boards.  I’m sorry things have still been difficult for you, but that’s the nature of these relationships if some hard work and therapy is not taking place.

You’re asking two BIG questions.  I’d like to address them in reverse order.

2.  Thoughts on him making plans and then canceling?  Not sure, laziness?  He’s having second thoughts?  In the past has he made plans and cancelled them?  Perhaps He doesn’t think you’ve “changed” with regard to your attitude about his family?  Hard to say since from what I recall there seemed to be larger issues than simply your “attitude” toward his family, weren’t there?

1.  You ask “Now what should I do?”  My friend, at the risk of sounding harsh (not my intention), I’m going out on a limb here and being very honest with you... I hope you’re okay with this.  I’d advise you take a pause and think.

He’s asking if YOU’VE changed.  I’m wondering, with this time apart (and learning about BPD and the tools and dynamics of these relationships) what changes you’d need to see in HIM before YOU’D be comfortable living with him again.

... do “baby steps” consist of him moving back in straightaway?

If he has only been without suicidal thoughts for the past one month; he’s got no money, no house, no car, is he in a position to be talking marriage and having a baby?  Is this a comfortable husband candidate for you?

With his mental state and behavior just as it is RIGHT NOW, do you want to marry him and become pregnant?  Is this man an emotionally reliable partner?

That’s enough to begin our conversation, blackorchid.  Please remember, you are ALLOWED to have some “requirements” of a potential partner.

What progress have you seen?

Thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[blackorchid]

Hi Gemforeyes

It’s nice to hear from you again thank you for always welcoming me back so warmly.


I’ll work through your points

1) with his changing I feel like I’m getting constant whiplash and it’s hard to stay in control of anything. Something I know I need to deal with. He in the end on Monday invited me for dinner but when I got there he was giving directions to a friend. Then he said he needs to go see a friend he doesn’t know how long for. He just arrived. He was a work friend who got made redundant  a couple of days ago and wanted to talk... I said ok. Went and walked the dog. (She was with me) he called me. I went back to the restaurant. The friend was there. I don’t know but feel like could he have been testing me to see how I would “treat” his friend as this seems to be an issue for him.

Friend left. We are. Minimum convo. It was like everything that happened the previous week didn’t exist. As we were leaving he grumbled something about his new place. I said you know you have a home. He went mad. Enraged. I told you we’re just friends. Why do you say things like this. I said you know you said last week you wanted to come home. He went off on one saying I don’t respect his family. 4 years ago me and him spoke with his parents and he brought that up (that was more his mum promising not to meddle but he says I promised his mum I wouldn’t fight with him) he said this is why I can’t see you or the dog again. And left.

Later that night he messaged “did you cry?”

He said you were a bad girlfriend so I left


I heard from him again yesterday

Asking what I was doing. Asked if he could come for Xmas this year to England. Asked me to buy him a ticket on his card


We spoke a while. I asked if he was serious about coming to England he said yes.  Then asked why is it a problem for your family. I said no

Then this morning. Whiplash! Message good morning sorry for disturbing you last night. I’m going to block you so I can’t message you when I’m drunk again.

Which he did.

So now I can’t contact him. We’re still friends on Instagram and Facebook. But I’m not chancing messaging him right now and then him deleted me their too


You’re completely right about the marriage and kids part gemforeyes. I’m getting to an age now where time is ticking and I know I need to decide something. I just wish I could have a true honest conversation with him.

Also I’m waiting on a credit card statement from his brother so called him this morning for it again (need it for an insurance claim. Flight bought on his card - expat woes can’t get a credit card here as a foreigner and vertaub Turkish web pages only take credit cards

[confusedbybdp]

 
everytime he talks about how his future is bleak. He wants marriage and a baby (mostly adds with me) but cant due to money problems/lack of money/no house/ no car

Dear blackorchid,

I truly feel for your situation.  Like all of us, it seems you want to give your relationship a chance to work out and are working hard to make that happen.

I wanted to share my experience with you, in case it is helpful to you as you decide what to do.  I dated a man with uBPD for about a year and a half.  He was an artist, and a really sweet man until his BPD symptoms were triggered by the normal ups and downs all couples go through. 

The thing I wanted to mention is that because he made his living with his art, he had very little income over the years.  His last piece of art was sold several years before I met him, and so during the entire time we were together, he had no income at all.  He had a house that he inherited when his parents died, but he had no money to keep up with the many repairs that the house needed.  I overlooked all of these hardships because I loved him, and because I didn't want to judge how he was making a living.  I also thought he was a brilliant artist, and I wanted to support his life's passion.  However...in time, I realized that this was a very hard life for me to share with him.  We very rarely had money to even enjoy a dinner out, and when we went on vacation, I paid for our travel and accommodations. 

I don't know from what you've said if your bf doesn't have a job, home, or car because he is a "struggling artist or writer, etc." or because these are symptoms of his inability to hold down a job and make a living because of his illness/personality disorder.  Either way, it is a hard road, and it is important that you decide if this is the life you want to live, and if it will make you happy.

[blackorchid]

Hi confusedbybpd


Thanks for your insight. I’m sorry you had to struggle through that.

My partner was a footballer. But he has a leechy family and they took all his income.  2 years ago he tore his ACL on his knee for the second time and it ended his career. He gets depressed when he compares himself to his old teammates who have Cars houses etc. Settled down with family.

I think in comparison to them he feels worthless

He has been working as A football coach for a year and a half for kids. But obv that money is peanuts compared to what he was on.

FYI now he’s got no big income his family don’t pay so much interest in him and it kills me when he pushes me away as I was never with him for money or status. I literally couldn’t care less.

[confusedbybdp]

 

Hi blackorchid,

Yes, that is a very different and difficult situation for your bf, and I have a much better understanding now.  His injury not only sidelined his career, but also his self esteem.  I think we would all feel the same way.  It's interesting that there is a little bit of a similarity in my story as well.  Before I met my ex-bf, he had been a serious gym rat - up to 3 hours a day, every day, and he was really "built." Of course, he wasn't making his living by doing that, so that's a big difference from your bf's situation, I realize.  He took a lot of pride in his physical appearance and strength.  Fast forward 5 years, and he had a compression injury on his spinal cord and lost a lot of function and strength in his legs and even in his hands.  When we started dating, he was on a walker after spinal surgery, and to this day, he has frequent falls, and is unable to walk more than a very short distance (maybe 50 feet).  That injury has taken away the one thing he always counted on - his physical well-being, and in his mind, his attractiveness.  All at the relatively young age of 54.

[blackorchid]

Yes I think it has squashed his self esteem and he feels worthless without it. That’s really hard for your ex too. This happened to mine when he was 33

[blackorchid]

Someone has suggested that my mum contact him about sponsoring him for the visa as he asked her too. She’s away in New Zealand now so it’s feasible that I haven’t spoke to her since to say not to do it. They said just buy the ticket. It’s not expensive at the moment. Make out my mum bought it and see what he does.

Thoughts?

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi Blackorchid,

I have missed you my friend!  Welcome back!  Seems like  you are still in the think of it with the boy.  I'm so sorry.  It definitely sounds like he's using the push/pull to some extremes.  I imagine that is very confusing for you.  He gets your hopes up and then shatters them.  That's definitely something to think about before considering marriage and having a baby with him.

Glad your doggie is doing ok!  How's the foot?  Still healing up nicely?

Take care,

SH4