Stuck. Surviving. Self-reflecting

[SamwizeGamgee]

I hope it's okay to have a vent / spill here for a few moments.

Maybe I need to do something!

As of late, I have been very quiet on the boards here.  I felt I had healed and grew.  I also reached a point that, as I looked forward to my healing, I looked back less at my suffering.  Reading about, and being reminded of all the dysfunction in my life wasn't helping. 

I had also achieved a sense of accepting what was -- that marriage just isn't going well, I'll be like this for a long time, and there's no sense fighting it.  Divorce was too expensive and caused more damage.

Normally, I advocate for accepting what is - as it is.  But, for me, I'm questioning if it's more of a depression / stupor that I'm stuck in as a substitute for actually accepting. 

Several years ago, I was actively reading self-help books and forums.  I was educated on BPD, abuse, disorders, even family law, and divorce.  Now I'm just dead inside it feels like.  I have just been in this for so long (22 years married to wife - which may, or may not, have now well-hidden BPD traits.  I know the traits are there.  Years ago it was an obvious diagnosis to me). But I have gotten so good at living like this, and going along, and mostly afraid of losing the kids, that I have numbed myself into an existence of "good enough to get by."   I have lost hope of finding a better way.

Years ago, I was keeping a parenting journal.  I was tracking my behaviors.  I was selecting family law lawyers.  I was sharp and getting stronger.  I just wasn't sure it was the right thing to pull the trigger and proceed with divorce.  Now, I've lost momentum.  I'm trying to wake myself up and decide.  Status quo cannot be good.

I feel confident saying this:
- I have lost trust in my wife.  When trust is gone, intimacy is gone.
- Love is gone - aside from just the human love of one another.  I am still concerned for my wife's welfare, for example. 
- I do not foresee a solution that improves marriage.  I know I can do a lot more to make it better.  An observer might rightly say that I am the only problem in the marriage now.  It's me, my walls, my isolation, that is killing the marriage now.  But, like a PTSD-suffering veteran who isn't going to return to combat, I'm a survivor of emotional abuse who isn't going back into the marriage relationship. 
- I live once.  One life.  When time is gone, it's gone.
- Unless I break out of this stupor, my adult life will pretty much amount to me having lived in an unhappy, abusive marriage relationship, that has served my wife quite well, damaged the kids for life, and drained me away.  Almost my whole adult life it seems like.
- I don't want to live the rest of whatever time God gives me like this. (There!  I said what is lying inside finally!)
 
I was waiting to decide whether to stay or go.  In the meantime, D18 has now been alienated against me by uBPDW's past rages and influence. 

Now, I don't feel much care at all.  I believe I have decided.  I have decided to divorce eventually.  And if not divorce, I feel and act like there's no connection and no possibility of reestablishing a workable marriage.   

I can say and think all kinds of things, that, when heard, make a case that divorce is the only solution.  And I need to get moving.  Now, soon, eventually. Or, maybe.

I was waiting for someone or something to show me, or convince me, to either divorce or stay married.  However, as my life has it, this is far too much of a decision to have someone else, or something else, tell me - or make me - do it.  It remains on my shoulders.  My plate.  My lot in life.

I have to take a break from posting this,  but, I have to start venting somewhere.   I haven't been to T for a long while.  It was good, and I feel that my T visits had done a lot of good.  Now it's time for action.  I'm hoping that as I post this, I can see my thoughts on (virtual) paper.  I hope to find some of that inner fire that I had.  Although now the inner fire seems cold and dark.

I think I've decided that it's time to part ways.  Separate paths from my wife (as much as five kids will allow), and go for divorce.  Knowing and accepting that it will be hard, and dirty work, but, I think I have to do this.  Now I need a push, or a jump start. 

I'm looking at the crowd (you readers) for some encouragement!  ;)

[SamwizeGamgee]

Footnote: I'm reading my own writing, and I realize that when I scroll through the learning links on the forums, there is _so_much_more_ that I want to learn, work on, practice, study, perfect, figure out, whatever, that I have been putting of the big decisions until I reached some more distant level of knowledge.  I think because that extra book or practice, might help me make a better decision.  At this rate, I'll have been separated while I decide to stay married longer than I spend married! ;)
Analysis paralysis.

[MeandThee29]

Sounds like you may need to go back to the therapist.

I would have never done it on my own. Mine was the one who put divorce on the table for years and years and then finally left.

[mart555]

Follow the fear...  yes getting divorced will be scary. You'll feel guilty and whatnot.  But it sure looks like you're miserable.   I guarantee you it will bring lots of ups and downs but man... being happy to go home after work? Wow! That feels awesome.   

I recommend this book
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

[SamwizeGamgee]

Follow the fear...  yes getting divorced will be scary. …. being happy to go home after work? Wow! That feels awesome.   

I recommend this book
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Hey, I agree! Stop Caretaking was one of my break-out books.  Several years ago I read it, and it hit on all the cylinders, so to speak.  I found it very empowering - and made me realize how easy I was led into feeling guilty and responsible for uBPDw. (and subsequently son and one daughter).  This reminds me, perhaps I should get back into that book.  Another classic was Emotional Blackmail by Dr. Susan.  That was also very worthwhile.

As far as following the fear: I had myself "stuck" out of fear of divorce, separation, harming the kids, taking a financial hit (with divorce presumably), and also a fear and uncertainty with what to tells others - and by others I mean my short-list.  My brother, the kids, my parents, God, and few others.  I finally got to a point that didn't feel the need to tell anyone else anything, as far as my justifications for wanting divorce.  My wife looks like the dotting stay-home ideal mom - to everyone else.  I won't win sympathy, but I no longer care about appearances. 
The fear I want to follow now is that deep feeling that I tapped into a long time ago.  It's mostly gone quiet these days.  But, I had a strong feeling that I'd die of something soon if I stay married.  It's hard to describe another way.

Speaking of fear, I did recently read DeBeker's "Gift of Fear" which is admittedly better suited to a female or celebrity audience.  But it was validating to understand that our subconscious is well suited to look out for our survival.

And, oh boy, do I like the days going home when the wife is out.

Sounds like you may need to go back to the therapist.

I would have never done it on my own. Mine was the one who put divorce on the table for years and years and then finally left.

I am considering going to see a T again.  But, I don't know what new or relevant work would be done.  I am inclined to go with W if she wants to go to couples counseling - but, I would steer that towards making a safe place to settle on divorce is possible.
I'm trying to clarify your statement. Are you saying that your T suggested (led you towards) divorce for years and then you finally left, or the T left the topic alone?
And then, you would not have divorced without the T?

Thanks for all the responses.

[kells76]

Hi SamwizeGamgee;

I am considering going to see a T again.  But, I don't know what new or relevant work would be done.

You might consider whether that statement, in a meta way, is pointing to the work to do.

Struggling to see what to work on is, in itself, something important to work on.

I've been there, too.

Food for thought...

kells76

[SamwizeGamgee]

good point Kells.  I have that same thought in my footnote above.  That this place, and certainly a T office, would reveal a lot more I could learn, improve, work out, look for, and think about.  However, I'm cautious that this course of action might just put me back into my status quo of being frozen.
However, I think my energy reserve is almost ready for "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"
So, if I'm going to need T, might as well kick it up a notch and see a T about a divorce, not about thinking about a divorce.  At least, that's what I'm considering. 

[dt9000]

Samwize,

I've been visiting and reading this forum for several years but decided to join to respond to your post. I was in the same situation as you 9 months ago. The marriage had been dead for a long time but I was holding on for my children, and because it was the easy path. Although living with a BDP spouse isn't easy.

Last February I woke up one morning and decided to leave. I had no where to go but I knew that I could no longer stay. I called my BPDw to let her know my decision and within the next few days and months she filed for emergency custody, made allegations of abuse, parental alienation, PFA's, threats of bodily harm, attempts to get me fired, etc. It was the exact same pattern that so many of you on this site have been through, and each of these were filled with fear and anxiety for me.

I am still in a battle for the right to see my children and have spent thousands of $$ that I don't have on attorneys and court fees.

But from where I stand today, leaving my toxic BDPw was the best decision I ever made. Despite the continued attacks, distortion campaigns, and custody battles, I am free. I've discovered that I am strong and deserve to live a happy life. I no longer live in fear, I have joy in my life, I am reconnecting with my family and I have even started developing a circle of friends and a social life.

Best of luck to you!

DT9000

[worriedStepmom]

It certainly sounds as if you've made a decision.  It sounds like the best one for your current mental health.

Divorce isn't easy.  It's not just the separation and missing your routines and the life you had (the good parts), it's also the work that you have to do to come out of the fog, to recalibrate your expectations and analyses, to rebuild your self-esteem, and to figure out how to become the person that you want to be.  Plus you have to figure out how to support your kids.  My therapist was invaluable to me in that journey, and I highly recommend that you start seeing one again.

At this point I think taking action will be better for your mental state than remaining in limbo.   Your action may start small - writing down your plan.  But for the sake of your emotional health, take an action.  Take some of your power back.

[MeandThee29]

FWIW, the therapist told me over-and-over that he was destroying me. At one point she was emphatic that he might be capable of anything and to look at it honestly before something happened.

And in retrospect, I wish I had grasped that sooner than I did, but it wasn't possible for me. It took time. One aspect was seeing the disordered thinking through the divorce process. BOTH lawyers have been horrified for me at times, which is very validating of course.

It isn't over yet, but hopefully winding down.

[livednlearned]

Whatever therapy you do probably needs to do an end run around your analysis paralysis. I wonder if somatic experiencing might work for you: https://traumahealing.org/

You seem to be in the freeze stage of flight/fight/freeze.

Have you read The Body Keeps the Score?

SE therapy gave me a direct line to emotions I had no idea were in there, even with memories I revisit often. It can allow you to drop into your body and feel what's there, which can be difficult for those of us who hide out in our heads to survive.

[MeandThee29]

SE therapy gave me a direct line to emotions I had no idea were in there, even with memories I revisit often. It can allow you to drop into your body and feel what's there, which can be difficult for those of us who hide out in our heads to survive.

Kinda a side bar...several months ago, the grief really hit me hard. I had about a month of hard cries and terrible, deep pains in my bones and joints that took several months to clear. And now I'm fine. I mentioned this to a therapist friend of mine who knows my situation, but isn't my therapist, and she commented about the somatic aspect of grief. I had to release the deep sorrow within somehow. Socially, my circles mostly have zero understanding of this. They will be concerned about the grief of a widow, but not know what to do with the grief of someone in the divorce process from a disordered individual. I'm thankful that I was able to get it out although I'm sure there will be other insights over time.

We are not just our heads and emotions. These things go into our bodies. I really didn't grasp until recently.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you all for the comments and fellowship. 

And, welcome DT9000.  Thank you for joining and commenting.  I believe that it does a world of good to connect with others about what we are going through.  There aren't a lot of average people who "get it."

Lnl - I found some SE practitioners in the directory that are in my state.  I can see giving it a try. 

As I look inside, I am not sure how, or if, I am dealing with grief.  I feel that I've more or less left my emotions on the table after I worked them out.  I do still have to manage anger - which is really unusual to hear from me.  I could get by with describing my daily behavior as that of Mr. Rodgers.  Very even tempered, and usually have it in control.  No outward evidence of anger.  As for my anger, I still think I want some kind of justice - no,  I actually want validation for feeling like I do - about my D18 being alienated from me by uBPDw.  It still causes hurt, and hurt turns to anger sometimes.

I also am watching myself for signs of covert male depression.  I do some otherwise healthy things to extremes, and I think it might have to do with pushing myself in order to cope with depression.  I can overdo being good.  Maybe my self-care has to balance things out, and give me day off from being good.  (that doesn't make sense!) 

I am aware that I need to let myself feel "bad" feelings.  I have to walk such a strict narrow line at home, with an emotionally reactive wife, son, and one daughter, that I've gotten to stealth-ninja status on subduing my own emotional spectrum - so as to not trigger the flashfires around me.  I need to have a place and time to release my normal moods.  I burn off most of my emotional energy by distance running.

After seeing what I've writing, I guess I am still coping with things. 

I remember when I concluded my last sessions with T.  I described that things hadn't gotten miraculously  fixed, but I was now able to "see the dashboard" and make adjustments as I got feedback and input.  Sort of like I was driving my own emotional and spiritual car.  That I felt had concluded the need for T at the time.  I'm not too sure that the situation is different yet. However, like I think I need one more book, one more article, one more thing to learn, I will consider picking up with a T again. 
As divorce seems less of a rhetorical question, and more of an inevitable step to make, I will make sure to visit a T for a tune up. 

Aside, the last couples counseling was not really productive.  W liked it.  I benefited some.  We had tasks to practice that helped communications and understanding, and other relationship skills.  So I'm glad to have gone.  But, it felt like the doctor prescribing aspirin for a gunshot wound.  The C even said he had BPD parents, maybe he's just blind to what I was experiencing.  So, the couples T experience cooled my off for wanting to take time for T.

Thank you all again for reading.

[lpheal]

Your prior posts were a big help to me in the past, so reading this I want to share that emotionally I relate to what you are experiencing.

I finally took the next step almost six months ago. I'm still in the maelstrom, but it was empowering to listen to that voice in me telling me it was time. Many days it's not easy...but it's all SO much better. By 72 hours in I could tell I was on an uphill climb. I also don't regret all of the deliberation and hesitation beforehand, because when I finally acted I knew I had tried my best and had nothing more to give.

I come home (a modest apartment) to a peaceful and quiet environment. I go to sleep now reading a book and end my day in quiet contemplation. That alone is worth all of the pain it took to get here.

[ForeverDad]

I finally took the next step almost six months ago. I'm still in the maelstrom, but it was empowering to listen to that voice in me telling me it was time. Many days it's not easy...but it's all SO much better...  I come home (a modest apartment) to a peaceful and quiet environment. I go to sleep now reading a book and end my day in quiet contemplation. That alone is worth all of the pain it took to get here.

My post from 2 Oct 2012 describing the start of our separation & divorce:

That's exactly what happened to me.  When the police took away my then-spouse, we had about 6 days before she popped back in our lives.  Her absence was palpable.  The silence was deafening!

[dt9000]

... I also don't regret all of the deliberation and hesitation beforehand, because when I finally acted I knew I had tried my best and had nothing more to give.

I did the same, for years, and I'm now glad that I tried everything in my power to make the marriage work. I'm moving forward with the peace of mind knowing that there was nothing else I could do.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm not sure I'll get to that level of certainty.  I have proved that I can stay married - as though staying married was the purpose.  I can do a lot to improve the marriage and keep going.  What stops me from trying is that once I became aware of the relationship as a toxic / abusive relationship (and I'm not guiltless) I saw it as something that is dangerous to maintain.  Should I do everything I can to save it?

I thought not. I cannot say that I did everything I could, that I tried everything, that I poured my heart and soul into it.  No, I backed out, went grey rock, and haven't been earnest in trying to work on the marriage for years. Maybe blame my survival instinct.  That said, I can look back on my marriage, and if I divorce, I can say it was thought out, that my life depended on it, and I made my choice.

[dt9000]

I'm not sure I'll get to that level of certainty.  I have proved that I can stay married - as though staying married was the purpose.  I can do a lot to improve the marriage and keep going.  What stops me from trying is that once I became aware of the relationship as a toxic / abusive relationship (and I'm not guiltless) I saw it as something that is dangerous to maintain.  Should I do everything I can to save it?

I thought not. I cannot say that I did everything I could, that I tried everything, that I poured my heart and soul into it.  No, I backed out, went grey rock, and haven't been earnest in trying to work on the marriage for years. Maybe blame my survival instinct.  That said, I can look back on my marriage, and if I divorce, I can say it was thought out, that my life depended on it, and I made my choice.

I was able to process and work through some of this in individual therapy. My mindset was to save my marriage, home and family at all costs. What this really meant was that I would sacrifice more and more to keep marriage together. For instance, I worked a full time job, and did nearly all of the parenting, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard while my BPD slept or vegged out in front of the tv for months at a time. I gave up all my friends and outside interests because it took all I had to keep things together. I tolerated repeated affairs by my BPD, etc. My T helped me to see the marriage for what it was, not what I wanted it to be.

dt9000

[SamwizeGamgee]

@dt9000 thanks.
I hear you as far as being the guy keeping things going - although my wife has really got herself busy now, there were many years where I would come home to take over the household (aka "do my share") and feed, clean, cook, bathe, diaper, dress, bed, … and yard work, car repair, painting, fixing, paying bills.  I hear you.

Although it wasn't always the case, if I was faced with a spouse cheating or utterly lazy these days, my response would be easy.  Divorce.  I've worked through my moral hesitations and won't need much justification to act now. 

Incidentally, as I got wiser to abuse and blackmail, etc., my wife's behavior got better.  It seemed as though she could sense that the old days of me just doing everything and going along were over.  As though when I decided that one more good color-changing, dilated-pupil, blame-fest, word salad, yelling rage was going to be my trigger for divorce --- they stopped.

[ForeverDad]

To my knowledge, my ex did not have any affairs while were were married, though toward the end she did goad me about speculating she'd be better with another.  Would that be termed an emotional affair?

So until we separated — and her facing a Threat of DV charge — it was difficult for me.  Mine was a Biblical background, to remarry after divorce was valid only upon infidelity.  So naturally divorce was my last perceived option.  I recall that I even asked my then-separated spouse in family court's waiting area if she wanted to reconcile.  She turned her head away and her lawyer shook his head No.  However, when I spoke to my lawyer about my situation, he stated Legal Separation was a poor choice.  He had only done it twice in all his years of practice and in both instances there was no "high conflict".

I had been forced into being the appeaser.  Increasingly all boundaries had been overwhelmed and crushed.  Clearly something had to be done.  She refused counseling with me.  I had no choice left but to turn to the court and protect myself and my parenting.

My comments today reflect my experience and conclusions:  It is what it is.  Do what you have to do.

[yeeter]

Hey Sam.   

Stuck.  Been there.  Burned up a couple T's while in that mode and also had a close friend finally shut me down and say, enough, tired of hearing about it.  We are still good friends but it was an indicator of just how stuck I was.  All fear based of the REALITY of what it would be like to go through divorce, and the REALITY of the damage to my children would come as a result.  It was the kids that was my biggest concern (at least, I tell myself that)

That friend told me more than once:  "The only way around, is through"

At the time my kids were young.  I chose to stay for many years (over a decade).  As my one T said:  "You are putting what is in the best interest of your children, above what is in the best interest of yourself.  That is a very reasonable choice for a parent to make."

BUT:  Once kids reach a certain age they no longer have the same needs.  Your daughter is 18 it sounds.  Quite grown up and able to think on her own and form her own opinions.  And by staying, you put yourself into behaviors that simply reinforce some of what your wifes allegations are.  As another friend told me:  "Your kids would enjoy being around the happy, positive, enthusiastic version of you, not the mopy, negative version that is against your nature".  His point was to split, move on and live a great life and demonstrate to your kids the type of person you really are.

Haunting words.

I did stay, and do not regret that decision at all.  It gained me several years with my children when they were younger.  I meant exercising every skill and trick and tip from this site.  But I genuinely believe I had a positive influence on their lives by being there on a daily basis.  So then the question was, for how long?

I always felt that once my youngest hit about 12 they would be pretty far along in being observant, and forming their own opinions.  Which is exactly where I am.  And now in the process of divorce.

Already it is contentious.  The lawyers, who thought they have had difficult parties to deal with, are surprised.  People that havent experienced it just can not understand (but think they do).

It will be severe parental alienation.  She is on a 'scorched earth campaign' as one friend said calling all over town to express her outrage (and my wrong doing - I had an affair and own that).  It will be major legal costs.  Families are involved and will be dragged through drama.  And... of course, in all of this, the children are suffering through a highly contentious, bitter, chaotic day by day as things play out. 

So yep, it is everything I dreamed it would be.  And more. 

So there is a piece that will be a huge relief to be out from under the control and manipulation etc etc etc.  But I have a daughter that wont talk to me, and another that will talk a little but quite quite angry at me.  My son is 'fine' with it all and had asked once before why I didnt just get a divorce.  But underneath there is loss and hurt, so every body loses.

I move out.  I get very limited visitation.  I get financial devastation.  And, I get 'Away'.  Is it worth it... I think probably some day I will feel it is.  Right now I question everything, but at the same time there is no reversal and how it played out to be honest was a 'relief' because I cannot renege (had initiated divorce once before but aborted at the last minute).

I sometimes told myself:  "I will be very disappointed in myself if I never divorce".  And I was afraid I would chicken out and drop the entire concept at some point (I am not young).  So underneath all this I do believe I will come out the other side a better person.  And get my person back, including parts that I liked and admired about myself.  I hope that "kids are resilient" is true.  That with some time they rebuild the relationship with me.  But there is no guarantee and as you know alienation and driving the narrative is something our partners are skilled at.  But hey, 18 yo's are adults.  They can think on their own and can and will form their own opinions.  Go rebuild your life, your person, and create an example that you are proud of. 

Just my $.02 (in a very long winded way!  But that was as much for me as it was for you)

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you for your comments.
Yeeter, I've still got three at home, the D18 is estranged (no contact 2 plus years).
The youngest is 9 - the youngest two are still quite attached to me, and I enjoy a good relationship with them.  Not that they are immune, they do get conflicting messages from us parents, and it's not a happy home as I'd like.  I'm held married inn a blackmail situation - sort of I have to follow the (her) plan or lose the kids - either through divorce or alienation.  Or both.  So I stay with the least damaging solution of staying married, essentially separated emotionally in the same house.

I feel a very strong resonance with your comment that you will be disappointed if you don't divorce.  I've lost so much through the 22+ years of marriage, and the kids are getting older. Eventually, they will all be adults and on their own feet.  My chances of a life 2.0 are dwindling.  Opportunites to "do it right this time" might be slim, especially the longer I wait.  Nevertheless, my desire to divorce is turning into my want (need?) to finally stand up and live my life.  Come hell or high water I feel like I want to do it just to be true to myself. My feelings, My decision.  And yes, even my consequences. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

Lnl - (again, thanks for you support). Based on your recommendation, I started reading "The Body Keeps Score." My only regret is that I have to go to work these days, and have to put the book down.  This is great to learn about. Thank you.  I look forward to the reading.

[dt9000]

Yeeter, I just read your post from a few weeks ago and strongly identify with what you said. Especially questioning whether getting 'away' from the BPD is worth all the pain and everything we go through to do so.

I'm one year out from separation and moving out of the marital home. For all intents and purposes I've lost my home, lost nearly all of my possessions, and faced false allegations of abuse. I'm still fighting for the right to see my children (who have been severely alienated by mom), I've lost friends and family to her distortion campaign, and I am facing bankruptcy. So I ask myself: is getting 'away' from the BPD worth it if it means losing everything else? I think so but I'm not always convinced. I'm away from her and there is a tremendous amount of peace of mind and freedom in that. I have the opportunity to rebuild my life as I want. I also have a chance to be happy, and I am most days despite losing all the things mentioned above. What I still struggle with is the loss of my children. Could I have endured a few more years of marriage to have more time with them? I'm hopeful that custody will be settled someday, but I feel like I've lost so much time with my children.

dt9000

[yeeter]

Dt,

Tough dilemma.  And easy to get 'stuck' not wanting to choose between two terrible choices.  But if you don't choose, and commit to that choice (at least for xxx time period), then you aren't able to 'live'.  You are just in a holding pattern.  And not committed to either choice.

For me it mattered the age of my kids.  What they need when they are 5 is quite different than what they need when they are 15, or 25 even.  So the model of how much I am involved in the day to day can change over time.

I don't have any magic answers on how to get through the knothole.  Sometimes a close and trusted friend, that gives good advice even if not what you might want to hear, is useful.

[yeeter]

Sam,

9 yo is still pretty young .  I read books, this site, and learned new skills to apply to the relationship.  I detached (with love) and found other aspects of life to focus on.

I went through the process of grieving over the fact the relationship could never be what I wanted.

If you can do some of these things and carve out some pieces of life that give you satisfaction in other ways, it might provide some balance and help your overall satisfaction.

[ForeverDad]

Tough dilemma.  And easy to get 'stuck' not wanting to choose between two terrible choices.  But if you don't choose...

Not choosing can also be a choice, however often a poor choice.

Perhaps you can stand back (be objective seeking an overview or pondering things from an emotional distance) and determine which choice is the least bad choice.  As an example, picture yourself being asked by a member here in your situation... with that emotional distance and uninvolved perspective, what strategies or suggestions might you give that member?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I love the support and community here. Thanks all.
I kind of reached a point that it was time to jump off the cliff, or perhaps I should say pick a path and walk it a little farther.  I have resumed personal T visits with a new T.  Nothing wrong with the previous one, but, this is good.
On my own I also decided to talk about divorce with my wife.  We've been living separate lives in the same house, and mostly getting by by not communicating much. Finally, I did something.

We had a surprisingly calm discussion that went hours and hours long about the reality and possibility of divorce.  There is a lot of concern, and fears, and lots of more to discuss, on both sides. But, the subject was finally brought to light.

I thought I'd have more emotions about this.  Maybe I don't because I'm just numb to it now, or I'm doing okay.  I do feel like I've been emotionally divorced / separated for years, so I have had time to grieve and heal in spite of still being married.

So, the seal has been broken.  I feel good.  I know that this discussion might not lead to divorce, nor might it solve everything, but, it's moving. 

I am also wary, since I have heard many, many stories of how "everything was good" at the outset of a divorce, and the STBX was amenable - but then turned into a nightmare of legal and financial woes as divorce rolled on. I'm cautious. 

But most importantly, I don't have a sense of dread, or regret now that I'm talking about divorce.  In certain moments, I catch myself thinking that things aren't so bad right now, and maybe we can just patch it up.  But, I think those thoughts of hope are based on the emotional release that when there's an end in sight, everything looks and feel better.  For example, if I know I won't have to deal with her crazy much longer - it becomes much easier to deal with, or just let go of.

[SamwizeGamgee]

As an example, picture yourself being asked by a member here in your situation... with that emotional distance and uninvolved perspective, what strategies or suggestions might you give that member?

After trying to study this out, for years, and reading books, and T visits.  After praying, pondering, consulting, discussing, meditating, and seeking professional and personal help.  After spending far too long in analysis paralysis - my advice right now, after all this would be to go with your gut.  You will have to live with yourself the longest.  Your life is all that's really yours.  Make sure it's not just a mood, or a fleeting emotion, but live with self-worth and do what your gut directs.  

I'm in a situation that is only really appreciated by me, the man in the arena, so to speak.

[I Am Redeemed]

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