New trying to figure this all out

[jeffcpr]

So I went to see a concealer as my wife has been seeking concealing as of recent.  She felt this could be a good way to deal with my parents.  To make a long story short, the concealer gave me some books on BPD saying that my wife sounds like she might have this.  I have just started "Walking on Eggshells".  I am not sure that she is BPD but I can see already the similarities in the Disorder and how she deals with me and others.  I am just here because I can see this is going to be hard to navigate and hope to find others that have similar issues and understanding.  Just looking for help and tools to coop until we can find out if this is what is going on.
I am not sure in her concealing if they have mentioned this to her or if it is even known to her that this could be an issue.  I just got this info yesterday and already feel overwhelmed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello jeffcpr and welcome!

I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, but I'm glad you've found us. We're a supportive community who can definitely understand so you've come to the right place.

Many of us have loved ones with no diagnosis (including yours truly) but whether it's full-blown BPD or someone who just exhibits some traits, there are plenty of tools, skills and experiences here that can help you.

I, too, felt overwhelmed when I first came here. I learned about BPD through another support group, read the Eggshells book, and found my way here. Over the last year, I've learned a lot of skills and tools that have helped me in my relationship with my undiagnosed husband and I've gotten valuable support as well.

What sorts of traits and behaviors in your wife make you and the counselor suspect BPD?

[jeffcpr]

Thanks, I am still trying to understand it all, but basically she has swings.  She can be fine all is well at home and then it switches and I am put on my heels trying to understand what happened.
She has a good way of making something small seem like the end of the world and issues that are long gone pop up and if I don't see it her way I will have a very tough time at home.  A lot of times it does not matter if I agree or not with her it is going to all come out and I will be the issue most often.
Then it dries up and goes away and we are left in this vacuum trying to find each other again.  For years I was told it's my fault and now I am starting to believe it even though I know in my own head it is not right.  I am learning that I have a 50% responsibility in this all, but that is cool because now I know it is not all me.  I love my wife and have no need to leave, I just want to understand and gain the skills to navigate.  I will be looking through all this as soon as I get through the first book.  I am sure I will find more of interest here.  Right now I am just trying to understand and wondering is this really what she has.

[lucidone]

Thanks, I am still trying to understand it all, but basically she has swings.  She can be fine all is well at home and then it switches and I am put on my heels trying to understand what happened.
She has a good way of making something small seem like the end of the world and issues that are long gone pop up and if I don't see it her way I will have a very tough time at home.  A lot of times it does not matter if I agree or not with her it is going to all come out and I will be the issue most often.
Then it dries up and goes away and we are left in this vacuum trying to find each other again.  For years I was told it's my fault and now I am starting to believe it even though I know in my own head it is not right.  I am learning that I have a 50% responsibility in this all, but that is cool because now I know it is not all me.  I love my wife and have no need to leave, I just want to understand and gain the skills to navigate.  I will be looking through all this as soon as I get through the first book.  I am sure I will find more of interest here.  Right now I am just trying to understand and wondering is this really what she has.

Hey jeffcpr.  This sounds like BPD.  Mood swings, disproportionate responses, trouble forgiving, lack of accountability, blaming, etc.  I admire you commitment to support her and help the relationship.  Relationships with those with BPD can be challenging and exhausting at times.  My recommendation, without much specificity, would be to take care of your self as well.  Realize your limit.  Setup boundaries for yourself.

I found this to be a pretty good book to help with being in a relationship with one:
https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Also, there is very good information on this site.  Use it!

[Rev]

I am sure I will find more of interest here.  Right now I am just trying to understand and wondering is this really what she has.

Hey Jeffcpr.

My ex is undiagnosed although if one never goes to counselling, then it becomes problematic actually.  I can only speak about what worked for me to find a sense of peace.

"Why" is a really big question for me - as in I don't really settle well until I understand the 'why' behind anything.  Of course, my this situation makes that difficult.

So I chose to just focus on the behavior and let the why come into focus.  If you are here, then my guess is regardless of the exact diagnosis, if that would even be possible, you will find enough information here that you will be able to make sense of who she is and even why you ended up where you did.  And I'm really sorry that you did - because it can really suck - like big time.

I love this community. So much great stuff here and people are really down to earth.

Best of luck as your piece it all together.  And I pray that one day you will help another person out of their fog...

Blessings on you journey.

Rev

[jeffcpr]

Thanks everyone this is looking like a great place to learn and find support.  I will be reading more and you will hear more from me I am sure.  As for helping someone else, I hope to one day as well.

[Ozzie101]

That's good, jeff! Keep reading and posting.

One thing that can really help with advice: When you have time and feel like it, pick a recent example of a bad episode with your wife. Describe how it started, what happened, how it ended, kind of a he said/she said thing. That will give us a good idea of the dynamics and then we may be able to point you to some specific tools and skills that may work for you.

Best wishes to you!

[jeffcpr]

Thank you I was definitely thinking of doing just that.  I am also doing a journal of the events of the day looking for the triggers and causes of each event.  So far the last few days to a week have been good lots to keep us both busy and moving forward no time to spend dwelling on the past.  I have Thanksgiving break coming up and that can be an issue when I have time off things can startup.  Thanks again, everyone.

[Ozzie101]

Journaling is definitely a good thing! I've kind of gotten off-track with mine but I was doing it a lot last year. It's educational to go back and read what I wrote and exact details of events that happened.

It's good to recognize the triggers. But, more than that, I think it's important to look at general patterns. Triggers can't be avoided, really, and trying to avoid them is "walking on eggshells." You manage to avoid one, another will come in its place. That's something my H had to learn in therapy. He thought therapy was about learning to eliminate triggers but his therapist told him it was actually about learning to deal with the triggers. (I'd told him the same thing, but he took it better from her.)

Anyway, long story short, it's helpful to look at patterns of behavior -- theirs and ours -- and discover ways we can improve communication to cut down on "episodes."

Good work!

And I hear you on Thanksgiving. Holidays are frequently stressful and difficult for many of us around here. I'm not too worried about Thanksgiving this year since we're going on a vacation just the two of us and that always puts him in a good mood. But we'll be at home for Christmas this year and my family is a major trigger for him. Given problems he's having with his own family situation, it's likely to be even worse than usual.