Part 2: She changed strategy again

[ProudDad12]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here: 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340696.0

Who is in charge of control of your mind/thoughts?

This is where I sheepishly say "me". Working hard on that concept! I have a little voice in there somewhere that loves sabotaging me, slowly getting better at silencing it.

What is your goal with NC/LC, whatever we are calling it?  (totally understand if it's not exactly worked out yet..sometimes you just need some space to start thinking)

How important is it for you to keep updated on your Dad's health?

It may be incorrect but I'm calling it NC since that's my general goal for now. I know I talk a lot about getting communication from them, but I've only responded to one thing in the past month or so (because of my dad's surgery), and I'm slowly closing off means of communication as they find ways to get through (e.g., I finally blocked her on my email today).

As far as my dad's health, I'd feel like a pretty horrible person if I didn't want to know how he was doing. I'm fine with that coming via updates from my uncle, as long as that works.

[formflier]

Keep working on that "sheepish" thing.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Are you a religious guy?

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

This book is fine for non-religious people, but be aware the authors are Christian and it comes from a Christian perspective.  The authors are PhD psychologist types, so there is more non Christian content than Christian. 

The Christian content is used to "show" that God wants people to have healthy boundaries and "carry their own load".  Most non Christians I know that have read it didn't find it offensive.

Anyway...broadly speaking.

Your task is to own your own stuff.  Let others own their own stuff.  And double down on self care when you are sad that others make choices you don't agree with.

I would suggest you look at NC as a time to recharge and think/reflect.  You need to figure out what terms YOU and your family are willing to engage the world with (values based). 

(yes..you read that right.  Don't make that decision based on your parents)

Then, when you have figured out how you will engage the world...do so.  If you parents "fit" into your world (even just a little)...then there you go. 

Bottom line...move through the world on your terms.  Not someone else's.

Best,

FF

[ProudDad12]

Thanks formflier! I'm Christian, and actually read that book a year or two ago! However, I think I'm due for a re-read with fresher eyes.

And thanks for what you said, it makes a lot of sense and I need to internalize it. Especially the part about not making the decision based on my parents... I spent a lot of my life doing that and still fight the urge even with my newfound awareness.

So speaking of my parents and the NC... Fun fact... apparently my mom has LOTS of email addresses.

I finally blocked her email yesterday, the two addresses she had been using. It was hard, but I thought I might finally get a breather. Nope! I woke up to two very long emails this morning from yet another address. One had the subject line "I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY!", the other "Thanksgiving". And yes, I know I could have just not read them, but once I saw them I couldn't resist...

The first email, had it come 2 and a half months ago, might have been believable. It seemed to finally take some level of ownership. But it also spent a lot of energy blaming my cousin for spreading lies, and in turn trying to tell me how my cousin talks bad about my wife. And called her evil. Never mind the fact that we were well into NC with my FOO before we even reconnected with my aunt and cousin. She also made a point to tell me my dad can't sleep at night due to the stress of all this and is on Xanax now (so, maybe he shouldn't say hateful things?)

The Thanksgiving email continued the same, but then asked if we would come see them for Thanksgiving.

So this wasn't a good way to start my day, that was already looking to be stressful due to something going on at work. We also met with a lawyer to finalize our wills today to make sure my family doesn't get custody of our kids should something bad happen, and thinking about that is stressful on it's own.

My wife had a breakdown on the way home. It's hard seeing her give some level of attempt. But all our friends are still saying don't respond. Not that I disagree. However, I couldn't take it any more, and started a response that I don't plan to send. I'm on page 4 of catharting at her.

Given the timing of everything (daughter's birthday, holidays, etc.), it's hard to give credibility to the supposed earnestness due to the timing. We're 3 months in now. So part of me wants to respond simply with "Why now?".

Anyway, I'm not planning to respond, and the new address is blocked. Compared notes with my wife, she had 2 other email addresses. Thinking about just filtering on her name.

As I'm typing this, a friend called and is talking about the email after my wife forwarded it to him. I didn't notice before, but he pointed out that she said "If what you need is for me to take responsibility, then I do". It's been said here that there's importance in the nuance of words, and those were irking him.

Gaahhh. My wife wants me to make a clear statement to them to not contact us. Problem is, my friend and I are both concerned it will just provoke them more.

Oh well. Moving forward.

[Notwendy]

I know you know not to send the cathartic e mail.

Also, e mails can be kept. I naively tried to explain things to my father in an email. Anything I sent to him was shared with my mother. Even after he died, she brought up that e mail. While she would not let me have any of his belongings after he died at first, she later relented and let me look through some remaining things. ( long after she sorted through ) and that email was still there- printed out.

Emotional letters or e mails were saved. A slight in my family could be the crime of the century, stored and recorded. But not forgotten or forgiven. On the other hand, my mother "forgets" what she says or does to us and we are expected to as well. ( sometimes if she is so dysregulated she does forget).

Your mother is who she is and sees things the way she does. Her communication will reflect this. I think it may be unrealistic to receive an email that meets your understanding of an apology. We all have relationship "tools". You mother has been relating to others with hers for a long time. In your family it has worked for her. So when she contacts you, she will do it in the way she is used to- and if manipulation works, then it does. Also, a full apology from a pwBPD is hard to get, I don't know if they are emotionally capable of managing that much insight or shame.

On your part, keep in mind that your boundary is about you and your family, and doing what is best for that.

[formflier]

Problem is, my friend and I are both concerned it will just provoke them more.
 

You and your friend are very wise!

Can you move you response email off email and onto google docs or something like that.  I find it's good for me to be deliberate about "boundaries" and making sure it takes several steps for it to leave my computer.

You can always start a new thread and post the email here.

Regarding Christianity.  If it's been a while since you have spent time in Proverbs, that would be helpful for you right now.  What do you think of Prov 4:23?

Best,

FF

[ProudDad12]

Sorry for just now getting to these... had a house full of company and chaotic weekend for my daughter's birthday party... been meaning to respond and update!

I know you know not to send the cathartic e mail.

Correct, as good as it might feel, I know it's a bad idea!

Also, a full apology from a pwBPD is hard to get, I don't know if they are emotionally capable of managing that much insight or shame.

On your part, keep in mind that your boundary is about you and your family, and doing what is best for that.

Yeah, I know she's working within her capacities. That part makes it more heartbreaking for me. I'm just having to remind myself I'm not doing this because I want her to give me the right combination of words, I'm doing it because I want to separate my family from the emotional abuse. Whether that take the form of an apology via self improvement on her part (never going to happen), or NC.

Can you move you response email off email and onto google docs or something like that.  I find it's good for me to be deliberate about "boundaries" and making sure it takes several steps for it to leave my computer.

Oh it's a Word document saved to my computer. Didn't trust myself to not accidentally hit send.

Regarding Christianity.  If it's been a while since you have spent time in Proverbs, that would be helpful for you right now.  What do you think of Prov 4:23?

Just re-read it, and I like it. And I needed it today after the day I had, so thanks! Wrote and update here about the day, and then remembered I probably better make a new thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341096.new#new