Part 2: Boyfriend with BPD

[Cheiwrine]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340503.0;all

Before we ever met (when we were just texting) he disappeared for an entire month after we plans to meet. Even though he was upfront and open about his BPD from the start, I assumed it was just a normal ‘ghosting’. I ended up sending a final ‘goodbye/sorry we didn’t meet/hope you’re okay’ message and he ended up replying. We ended up meeting and we had the most amazing connection, even more so in person. Found like I had found the one.

We spent 3 days together the first time we met, and would often spend 2-4 days together most weeks.. It broke my heart each time he would go no contact for days, but that was largely due to myself being isolated and heavily relying on him. I was slowly getting used to this pattern though. I told him it was upsetting to me though, and he apologised and said it was better for me to not be around him sometimes because he was a ‘nightmare’ and could get quite mean. The time we spent together was absolute bliss though.

He’s cancelled on plans in the past but this was the first time I really got angry at him about it. I deeply regret it because I do realise now how vulnerable he can get when he enters these states where he isolates himself. He would be in and out of hospital all the time. He would say that he would just switch his phone off/lock it in a drawer for days and shut himself off from everyone. Before we entered a relationship, he said he didn’t want to enter it lightly without a lot of communication about his BPD. I felt I didn’t listen though, I was too caught up in the honeymoon phase and had this perfect image of him. I feel like the honeymoon phase is over, but I still care for him deeply and still very much want him in my life. I guess one good thing is that even if this relationship ends, I’ve held a mirror up to all my ugly behaviours and I’ll able to work through him now that I’ve identified. This is the hardest relationship I’ve ever been in but I feel it’s so, so worth it. I know it’d be easier to just walk away and find someone else but that’s not what I want. I’ve chosen this man, and will continue to choose him. I just hope he chooses me.

It’s very hard for me to talk about him to anyone else because all my friends seem to think I’m foolish for waiting around for him.
Right now, this website is my main source of support. I’m slowly trying to rebuild these friendships, but I know they will bring him up and that’s very painful to think about. Is it worth waiting a few weeks and then apologising again to explain why I acted like I did?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You're doing great work filling in the gaps in your life with things to do, and working on your support network.  Don't be discouraged if it takes time.  It took me over a year to get my support network from zero up to a level where I had multiple sources and good support.  One thing about a support network is that every source of support can have a different role.  Some hobby or activity friends, some relatives, etc. might give us support without knowing anything about what's going on in our romantic life.

You're getting great advice from khibomsis.  I agree that shame is painful and not helpful (but don't feel ashamed of feeling ashamed, we all feel it sometimes).  As you work on rebuilding your friendships, two things may be worth thinking about:  how much you want to talk with your friends about your relationship, and whether the people are safe for you.  I can think of several categories the friends might fall into:

* full support on all topics -- these are rare people who you can tell almost anything to, and they will listen without judgement and support you.  Though they are rock stars, you need to have other support sources so you don't wear them out.

* general support -- you can tell them you're having a tough week and they'll lift you up a bit, but you don't have to go into detail about what's going on.  If they ask about your relationship, you can thank them for asking, and say they can best support you by empathizing that you had a tough week and then talking about other things.  Expressing calm gratitude and redirecting can help keep these friendships in safe territory.

* activity friends -- you just do fun stuff with them and avoid tough topics.  This is a valuable category of friend.

* unsafe friends -- as you get healthier you may start to see that some of their behaviors are unhealthy.  They may make you feel good sometimes, and then behave in ways that feel hurtful other times.  Sometimes as we develop good boundaries we can become safe with these friends.  Other times, we eventually decide that no amount of skill on our part can make the relationship make sense for us, so we distance ourselves.

Once you realize these categories exist, you can think about which categories your various friends may fall in.  Relationships that were struggling can sometimes thrive when you are intentional about which category you want them in.  Does this approach seem like it could be useful in your situation?

RC

[khibomsis]

I am so sorry you are going through this Cheiwrine! You lost your boyfriend and , it seems, your friends during a particularly low time of your life. It is a lot of loss.
I feel Radcliff has covered all the bases, his advice regarding friends is sound. The tools on this site around reducing conflict are helpful with friends as well, many of us on this site find that using them helps in every aspect of our life, not just our BPD relationship.   

Be patient, rebuilding your life takes time. Change and growth is hard, but nothing can stop you from learning and growing. You will get through this. 

[Cheiwrine]

Do you think that I have lost him? I’m still unsure.

[khibomsis]

With BPD you will always be unsure. You need to think carefully through your needs for security and decide what you are able to cope with. I work on practicing non attachment to the form of relationship (couple or friends) and focus on making each interaction meaningful and supportive.
You said you would reconnect after a week. I think you should stick to your promise and send another text that expresses your support but does not require a response. If you like add a time dimension again. And take the time that you give yourself to sort the aspects of your life you have power over.  

[Cheiwrine]

I am unsure, but knowing this is the pattern he’s always shown with me, I’m very hopeful he’ll return soon.

I sent him a light, supportive message and then followed it up 5 days later with another light and supportive message saying I’d check back in with him in a week - I’m hoping that’s sufficient space for him. I guess it’s significantly better than messaging everyday

[Radcliff]

I guess it’s significantly better than messaging everyday

Way better!

[khibomsis]

Dear, stick to your resolve and keep working at the other parts of your life that needs fixing. You are getting better every day

[Cheiwrine]

Thank you both so much for your advice and support. I really appreciate it.

I’m trying to do better. Booked in with a new therapist next week.
Aiming for 2 weeks of no contact with my boyfriend. Is it better to avoid mentioning the breakup messages and just send him a message to let him know I still have feelings for him?

[khibomsis]

I would say so Just let him know you are there. You are welcome!

[Anonym2806]

I would say so Just let him know you are there. You are welcome!

Care of yourself and good luck.
Be strong in this moment. I know how it's difficult.
The last contact I had from my gf was almost 3 months ago. She ghosted me on social media but still read my messages. I stopped message her after 1,5 months. Was difficult. Finally, 2 weeks later, I received a "I am sorry". I answered by how do you feel and she never answered.
I send her a message 2 weeks after that to say "I hope everything is ok. Take care".
In the mean time, I do my best to forget. Honestly, I meet other woman (just for a drink or a dinner) and I feel better. I know it's egoist but it helps me to forget this bad moment.
I have a limit in my mind. If she doesn't contact me at  this date, I completely mov on.
Give yourself a deadline, it helps and try to meet some people and friends.
Good luck and we know how much you love him and how much it's difficult.
Take care.

[Radcliff]

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?

RC

[Cheiwrine]

I have good and bad days. Just trying to fill up the gaps of my life with as much stuff as possible. Slowly trying to rebuild friendships again. My anxiety is still really bad though, I’m trying to focus on my breathing and just letting those thoughts past

What would be my next step? Should I apply gentle pressure in a text something like ‘I hope you’re okay. You’re very important to me. Would you still be open to talking soon?’

[khibomsis]

Cheiwrine, congratulations on getting through the days! Just keep on doing that and you will wake up one morning and start to feel better.
I would say another holding message again, that is, one that doesn't require a response. Maybe with a little news (a sentence or two) about what you are doing to rebuild your life. End with another deadline "I will contact you again in X days"
Another thought is to give yourself points for each day you don't message. I once did that with an BPD ex-partner who ghosted me. I made a scorecard and got a gold star for each day I didn't contact her. Really gave me motivation to be able to tick off at the end of the day.

Rooting for you and know you will get through this 

[Cheiwrine]

He reached out last night with a simple text saying he had seen one of my friends (that he knew) out about. It’s good that he reached out, right?

[Cheiwrine]

Also, my friend and him had a chat about me. He said that he was hurt and that he hurt me because he knew he had messed up. He said he was sorry and that he hoped I was okay. He texted me shortly after speaking to my friend. My friend encouraged him to ‘get his life together before trying again’

[Cheiwrine]

Also, my friend and him had a chat about me. He said that he was upset that he hurt me and he knew he had messed up. He said he was sorry and that he hoped I was okay. He texted me shortly after speaking to my friend. My friend encouraged him to ‘get his life together before trying again’

[khibomsis]

Wow, Cheiwrine, that is wonderful news! Well done, look how your patience has paid off
It sounds to me like he feels shame. You can find out more about how shame is related to dysregulations here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305514
Basically it may be that he is upset that he disappointed you and the reason why he is staying away from you is because that way he does not confront the shame. The important thing here is to do what you can to not be identified with the shame. Hopefully all the work you have done on yourself will enable you to not be shaming (angry) next time you are let down.

Have you replied to the text? What did you say?

[Cheiwrine]

Thanks, I’ll read that.

You’re right, in the past when he’s let me down (for various reasons) I always glided over it and forgave very easily since I knew he was going through a rough time. It helped him come back much more easily

I did reply to the message - a few actually.
First I said I mentioned I had also been out with my friend that night but left early.

Later when my friend told me about their conversation I messaged him again and let him know I had things I needed to apologise for and explain. I told him I had been going through a rough time but that I was doing better. I told him I didn’t want to lose him and that I missed him

[Cheiwrine]

Is there anything I can do to ease his shame or as you say, not be identified with the shame?

Is it just as simple as continuing to give him space but letting him know I care for him?

[khibomsis]

I think so Cheiwrine. You need to be a stabilizing influence in his life, an ocean of calm. It takes a lot of self-work.
One thing that can help is to not contribute to the shame. Next time he acts in a way that in a non-BPD person would be mean, try to remember the BPD and show kindness and compassion.
If you had to do things over the last time the two of you were together, how would you do it differently?
 
Khib

[Cheiwrine]

What would I have done differently? I would have listened to him better. I feel like for the most part I did well without realising - when he would cancel plans I let him know it upset me but I never became that angry when I did when I broke up with him. It’s definitely been a wake up call, I’ve been doing yoga/tai chi weekly and I’ve stopped drinking alcohol. I feel more in control of my emotions.

Update - he replied yesterday.

I messaged him saying ‘How was the rest of your weekend?’ After the text he sent me a couple of days before

He replied saying his dad had been diagnosed with cancer and that he wasn’t the best person to chat with at the moment

I apologised, told him how sorry I was about the news. Told him I’d give him space but I was there if he ever wanted to talk about anything.

He replied that it was okay for me to text him, he was just in shock. He thanked me before ending the message with an x

Then I messaged him reminding him I cared for him very much, and that I would always be there to talk to.

[khibomsis]

Great new Cheiwrine! I am so glad you are in contact again, How are you feeling these days? It sounds to me like you are doing a lot of work on yourself and are in a relatively good space.

[Cheiwrine]

I sent another message today but I’m positive I’ve been blocked again?

[Cheiwrine]

I was mistake. He hasn’t. No response this time though

[Radcliff]

Congratulations on the progress!  It's great to hear the news!  It sounds like you've made a lot of progress in managing your emotions and understanding how things affect him.  It's a tough balance between being sensitive to our partner's emotions yet still making sure our own emotional needs are being met.  Instead of denying our needs out of fear that we'll lose the relationship, we need to figure out more effective ways of working with our partner to get our needs met.  That's sometimes not easy!  What are your thoughts on ways to do this?

RC

[Cheiwrine]

I think I need to rely on myself more (and others) to meet those needs during those times he can’t. I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with him though - I have feelings for him but there’s a part of me that is still hurt.

We spoke for 3 hours yesterday just about life in general - no mention of our relationship. He kept insisting I was ‘in love’ with a friend of mine/my housemate. I kept denying it because it wasn’t true but he was adamant that him and I were ‘kindred spirits’

I don’t know where he has this idea from but he’s been stuck on it for a while. What’s that about?

He mentioned that he was living with one of his female friends and I asked if they were together and that’s when he stopped responding. I sent a few more texts after that about different things to change the subject because I realised it didn’t matter if they were together or not.

I haven’t heard from since though, so I’ll refrain from texting him for a few days at least.

[Cheiwrine]

In the past, he’s kinda accused me of being in ‘love’ with different people (my now housemate and another man I had been texting off a dating site before I entered a relationship with my partner)

He’s open to non-monogamous relationships and seemed fine with the idea of me seeing other people (though I assured him that’s not what I wanted - I only had room in my heart for him)

But he still seemed fixated on the idea I was in love with different people. I didn’t know how to respond to these claims in the past except to deny them?

[Radcliff]

Becoming aware of how you feel about the relationship is a very good thing.  Sometimes in our desire to save the relationship or save/soothe the other person we allow there to be no space to process what we're feeling, to listen to our gut about what feels right.  When we stay in touch with these feelings and needs and watch them over time, very often the path we should take becomes clearer.

My best thought on how to respond to false allegations would be to use partial validation, validating their feelings, "I can see how the idea of me being interested in someone else would be very upsetting.  Luckily, I only have eyes for you "
That acknowledges their feelings, stays true to us, and avoids defensiveness.

RC