Another fight about drugs

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

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We have just had another fight about drugs and how he’s now hating me and resenting me for wanting to control him with tampering and getting him off this stuff. He has also said If I continue, it will make him rebell further...idk what to make of this...

He has said he will call this new doctor tomorrow but he doesn’t believe he will prescribe anything to help...or anything he wants more like.

He is threatening the happiness of our relationship with this and idk what to say or do to help or make it go away.

[Moonlight93]

Mod Note:  this thread continues from here  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340404.0

We have just had another fight about drugs and how he’s now hating me and resenting me for wanting to control him with tampering and getting him off this stuff. He has also said If I continue, it will make him rebell further...idk what to make of this...

He has said he will call this new doctor tomorrow but he doesn’t believe he will prescribe anything to help...or anything he wants more like.

He is threatening the happiness of our relationship with this and idk what to say or do to help or make it go away.

[formflier]

He is threatening the happiness of our relationship with this and idk what to say or do to help or make it go away.

Perhaps stop trying to control/fix him?

Why not accept him for who he is...vice turning him into someone else?

Can you step back and minute and see that's what he is saying?  

Best,

FF

[confusedbybdp]

 
Dear Moonlight93,

My uBPDbf also was "hypersexual," and would have had sex multiple times a day, if I had been willing.  He is twice as old as your bf, so I agree with sweetgirl that age is not necessarily what is driving his libido.  More likely, he is using sex to fill the void/emptiness he feels inside (a BPD symptom), or to "feel something" (other than boredom).  He craves something, but it is not you or really even sex.  Sex is just the method he is using (just like drugs and his "fantasies") to sooth all of the turmoil that is inside of him. 

I have read that hypersexuality is not uncommon with BPD, and unless he is receiving intensive (and regular) therapy (not mood stabilizers), he may not be able to get it under control.  As you probably know, psychiatric meds address some of the issues, particularly depression and anxiety, but they do not treat the underlying borderline personality disorder.  Only therapy can do this.

It is not uncommon for someone with BPD to resist going for treatment.  He may talk a good game in terms of going for therapy, but unless he makes an appointment, and keeps up with his scheduled appointments, etc. he will not make any progress, and your r/s will not be improved.  Many, many people with BPD don't ever admit there is a "problem," or take responsibility for it, and so this is a positive sign.  However, it may also be a delaying tactic - as long as he keeps saying he'll go, it makes you back off a bit.  Many therapists have trouble keeping pwBPD in therapy.  PwBPD are notorious for not scheduling appointments, missing appointments, and eventually splitting their therapists black (especially when their therapists get too close to the truth behind of mask), and then devaluing and dumping their therapist, just as they do with us.

I understand what you mean about losing yourself in this r/s.  We have all experienced the same, and it is very painful to realize this and recover from it.  Right now, his behavior is making most of your focus be on HIM.  That is the way pwBPD get the attention they so desperately crave.  Whether the attention is good or bad, when this happens your whole life starts to revolve around this person, and it becomes harder and harder to keep your needs and your life in order.

Warmly...Confused by BPD No More

[Moonlight93]

Hi FF,
You are right.  I am a massive over thinker, can be stubborn, can sulk when I don’t get my own way and when my feelings hurt I want to run. And above all swing from everything is perfect to we are going to break up.
Idk if these feelings I have are genuine sometimes or a cause of his actions. But he chooses to love me regardless. He is his own man, can make his own decisions, make his own mistakes however I can’t trust him. I can’t trust him not to hurt me like he did again. He is a compulsive liar. And no matter how many times he has said he will be honest, I still catch him out and i know it’s part of the sickness. But I was hurt so bad a few weeks ago and although he’s over it. I am not. I blame these drugs more than I blame his illness. He says these drugs allow him to be himself...yet he went to a dark place when taking too many of them and I know everyone says it wasn’t done to hurt me...but it really hurt me deeply. He says they allow him to be the man I fell in love with, however when he controls when he takes them he causes arguements and makes mistakes. I desperately want to come back from all damage this but I feel it’s an uphill battle. And then I ask myself, is it easier to feel the heart break, walk away, and try again with someone else? I’m only 26!

[Moonlight93]

Hi confused,

You are right he uses sex to change how he feels and produce happy feels. He said to me he damanaged his receptors with all the drugs I’m previous years and is trying to find something else to allow him to be him. He says he struggles with crippling anxiety and depression every day and I don’t understand which I don’t and never will...

I just want to be able to relax and enjoy my me time. And since being with him all my thoughts are consumed by him. So not healthy!

[formflier]

Trying to control a disordered person (or any person really) is most likely going to leave you exhausted.

Letting a disordered person (or any person really) fully experience the consequences of their behavior (vice covering it up...or making excuses)...usually has the best chance of bringing lasting change.

There is only one way to find out if his stated desire to change is real.

Read this a couple time and then sketch out what you think the best way to find out his "true intentions" really are?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

You’re dealing with two overwhelming issues: drug addiction and BPD. It’s hard enough to return to “normal” with just one of these problems, but having both, he will have to be extremely committed to therapy to get to an emotionally and physically healthy state.

I haven’t closely followed your story. How much time have you invested in this relationship?

[AskingWhy]

Please see this article on borderline men.

Read the part about insecurity and sex.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-almost-effect/201405/men-borderline-personality-disorder

[Moonlight93]

This is hard work. As much as I want to be the support and be strong it is so hard to do the right thing and be what he needs. Two days ago he broke up with me because he said his condition isn’t fair on me, and he’s right but I choose to fight for him. After a few hours of discussing and packing my bags he snapped out of bpd mode and admitted it was just anger and he needs me now more than ever.

Last night was really bad too...:we had a lovely date night, I went to bed and he said he would be following me up soon. I wake up an hour later to violent coughing and discover him down stairs. Tv off, joint rolled and looking at his face he was gone. He said he wanted to self destruct to give his mind and body a rest after this awful few weeks he’s had. And he’s had news his mum has cancer again so he’s not in a good way at all. I did the wrong thing and flipped and sent him to bed. Took his joint off him as it’s too late for that and got him in bed. I asked him how much he’d taken he said 3 and I checked it was 4. The agreement was he take it before bed so I didn’t have to see any of this ‘gone look’. He lied. And all I saw was red. Kicked him out to the other bed room. As the argument went on for a few hours until he and I calmed down and he went outside for his joint and took 3 more tablets so he could sleep.

I’ve just spent £180 on this doctors appointment he still didn’t book. It’s now happening Monday at 5pm. If this doctor can’t prescribe something to help him i don’t know what to do.

I am being a PLEASE READ partner at the moment. So much stress. So much push/pull...I’m so tired and scared all at the same time.

Help ☹️

[formflier]

 
Hey Moonlight93,

I'm hoping to get you to reflect on your role in helping your pwBPD "grow up" or "grow out" of this need for drugs.

Here is the background of where I'm coming from. 

I recently completed a MBA program.  One of the big things that got drilled into our heads time and time again is "don't be surprised when people do what they are incentivized to do."

With that in mind, what is your pwBPD's incentive to do the hard work to learn self control?

Best,

FF