Should I stay or should I go?

[ConcernedHusband]

Hello
We have been married for 10 years, have 2 beautiful kids with wife that is gorgeous, she sparkles when she speaks, she sparkles when she laughs and our friends consider us a power couple.

6 years ago through tests, I uncovered that my wife is BPD, with very strong narcissistic elements.  I was at first very very sad, called suicide hotlines, couldnt sleep and couldn't eat - it was a shock. Later I found happiness in the fact that I knew the problem, that it wasn't my deficiencies all along, and I could at least read books and get online help.  All went well until 6 months ago..

My wife lost her job where she spent her entire career ~20 years.  She then connected with the wrong girl friends, most them using her for her company and she became more and more absent from our family / home - going out throughout the week, party, weekends away and all glamorous and grandious IG posts with her friends.

All started unraveling when the CC bills came through - we spent an 18 month salary payout in less than 6 months and in 3 months we would be broke.

When confronted, she resorted in hiding costs, started buying more expensive clothes, shoes and and dinners, and started lying to me where she is, who she goes with and often find she lies even about things like whether she has eaten dinner yet.  She also has no insights on her spending actions, or the potential impact to the family.

Talking ends in an argument where she yells and accuses me of making her unhappy, saying I am going to create cancer in her and saying she has been unhappy for entire marriage.  I tried different ways to communicate with her, talking by whsipering, writing to her while sitting next to her, but even that didnt work - she always finds a way to blame it on me.  We also are not able to resolve any issue from the past, it is as if all my faults in her eyes are piling up and up and up with no way to discuss or resolve them

I ask the question all of you have asked before.  I am sure you ask this question every day..  Should I stay or should I go?

I believe I am emotionally strong, stronger than the normal / average Joe due to my tough and challenging upbringing in a divorced home.  I believe in myself most days, that I can do anything I put my mind to and that I accept a challenge even before it is offered.  This challenge is the biggest challenge of my life, if it will not end my life before I conquer it.

I have support in this foreign country where we live, I have friends, family that is concerned and support me.    I am not suicidal,just very concerned!

I write to this group to ask for any / all possible solutions, help, guidance or prayer.

Thank you all in advance!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, ConcernedHusband!

I'm so sorry. That does, indeed, sound like a draining, difficult situation -- in more ways than one. But you've landed in a safe, supportive place.

No one here will tell you whether you should stay or go. That's a decision only you can make. What we can do, though, is help you walk the path and decide which road you want to take -- and then help you along the road you've chosen.

Have you taken any steps to secure your finances, other than just confronting her? Over-spending and the resulting secrecy and lashing out (often reactions to feelings of shame) is common in BPD and if you look around the forums, you'll find others who've dealt with the same thing.

The blame shifting and piling on are very familiar to me. But, one thing I've learned is that my own responses to things were often making things worse. I was JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain) all over the place and that is NOT a healthy or effective communication tool. Once I stopped doing that and using SET (Support Empathy Truth) instead, I started noticing a change.

Here are a couple of articles I found really helpful and eye-opening:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

I thought I was doing OK on those things, but upon examination, realized I wasn't.

Not to say that changing tactics always works, but it can help -- or can at least stop making things worse.

I'm so glad you have a support system! And this group can be one for you too.

I hope you'll take a look at the links I posted and let me know what you think. Also, when you feel like it, perhaps you could choose a recent incident with your wife and describe it -- what she said, what you said. That can really help us in getting a feel for the dynamics and then we can know how best to help you.

Again, welcome! And hang in there!

[ConcernedHusband]

Thank you Ozzie for welcoming me to the forum and I was happy to find other success stories on here, it gave me hope!

I appreciate the links on validating & invalidating - I will give it s shot!

With regards to the family finances, this is a key worrying point for me - there is no reserve other than her pension fund, which I believe she is dipping into now to support her lavish michelin star lunches/dinners and going out events she is burning USD 500 per day on lunches and dinners, we cannot afford it, and it is a waste of money to indulge in fancy food daily.  I see her receipts daily and it scares me to death.  I try not to look at them, but then I feel I am might get caught off guard at some point when the bill comes in.  I considered locking down finances, but that would aggravate the situation on her side - "why dont you trust me, money means nothing, I have money, I am spending my money not yours, why dont you appreciate me, find yourself another wife, you make me unhappy...etc" 

The most difficult part for me in the SET is the fact that I get zero (or even negative) empathy back from my wife.  My wife has no insights on the feelings of others, the effect her actions has directly on the family, our kids and on me - I seriously feel that if I would get ill one day in my old age, she will not be there for me, as if she doesnt care at all. 

As humans we all have needs, and if there is no empathy from a spouse or even an understanding of an empathetic need, it makes it very difficult for the other side.  How do others cope with this? What can I do?

I have a few more questions regarding impact to kids.  I will create a separate post on this.

Thank you again all for all the help / support in this group and post!