what to do next

[anon2358]

bit of backstory. Me and the love of my life meet. We spent everyday together for the past year. We understand and are close to each other on a deeeeep level. We have never stayed mad at each other for longer than a day. We have been so good at working through conflict and we live together. Then out of the blue she leaves me and tells me she doesn't want a relationship right now and has to move home to work on her mental health and her self. Since then shes pushed and pulled me so much. We easily reestablish closeness and intimacy when things are going great and everything seems fine and looking up. During these phases we share our feelings for another and make huge hints at living together again(basically saying it but not). Then out of the blue ill wake up to the coldest harshest paragraphs about how she never meant any of that but still wants to be my friend.

At first she had reasons which didn't make sense but didn't scream mental illness. Like that the whole time she was just to "shy" to act like how she really feels. Or that now shes a lesbian. Or that it's just a gut feeling. But last time she did this I showed her bpd and the symptoms and the flawed ways of coping. And she can actually agree with that. She relates to those symptoms and I know shes at least started to talk to her therapist about it. Not to mention she has been off her anxiety medication for a very long time. So after that we reestablish our closeness and we plan a meetup of a few days since we like 4 hours distant.

We had amazing sex, told each other how much we loved and missed each other, connected and understood each other like the bond just went no where and we got back together. Then she got back home and 7 hours later I was hit with those same cold text about how it was all a lie and I don't want to and never did want to date you.

At least now shes not justifying it with those wacky reasons. She admits that she either has bpd or is hard wired to think that way. Where were at now is that she doesn't know if i'm bad or if its her bpd. She litteraly told me this time that shes unsure of my motives and if i'm actually a good person. She says that sometimes I can act in a way that can be pushy, inconsiderate, and manipulative(harsh). And that confuses her because she can't tell if I actually am those things. Nothing happened in between us getting back together and her saying these things that would warrant such a change in just everything in your mind in a normal human being. She gave me one thing I did that was kind of pushy which was convincing her to share her weed I helped her buy while she was up here with me since we ran out of mine. But i'm having a hard time believing that cause as far as I remember she was very happy with the compromise I made her of agreeing to pay for it.

I still don't know what triggered her or if it even had anything to do with me. I told her that she can also sometimes act in a way that comes off as rude, out of control, and uncarging. But I know that that's not her and that's not who shes trying to be and that people just make mistakes. And that doesn't confuse me. And the last thing I got was yea well it confuses me and that she has ________ed up ways of thinking and can't help but be irrational.

What do I do next time she's ready to listen. When she's splitting me white and wanting me. What do I do to stop this from happening again or happening on this level. How does she come to terms with the fact that people can be angry at someone and still love them. Or that people can make mistakes and still be a good person. How do I get her to open up about how something is making her feel rather than hiding it and then getting triggered later and lashing out on our relationship and me. Cause if were spending as much time together or communicating as we do when things are good. Somethings bounds to happen that's gonna make her feel some type of way. But she never communicates that and she never really did in our relationship. Unless this _____ doesn't even really have to do with me and there never was anything to open up about. And instead shes just acting out of trauma and pushing away the one shes supposed to love the most.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Longterm]

Hi anon2358 and welcome.

All of us here have experienced the push/pull dynamics of these types of relationships and I want you to know that you are not alone, we get it.

The rollercoaster of emotions can leave us drained and lacking in self care. Are you making sure you look after yourself? Do you have a strong support network, friends, family?

  She says that sometimes I can act in a way that can be pushy, inconsiderate, and manipulative(harsh). And that confuses her because she can't tell if I actually am those things.

It is harsh, especially when we have their best interests at heart. It's difficult when being called these things because we can often start to think that their perceptions are correct. It's important that you honour your own gut feelings here.

 
I still don't know what triggered her or if it even had anything to do with me

Probably fear of abandonment/engulfment. You split up, she fears abandonment. You get back together, she fears engulfment. It has very little to do with you so please, try not to take it personally.

What do I do to stop this from happening again or happening on this level. 

You can only control yourself. The tools and workshops here can help you alter your approach and reactions, these can be invaluable.

LT.