I thought I was past these bumps

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been a while since I last posted, but tonight I'm needing my family here to remind me that I'm not crazy. Well, maybe we all are crazy in our own way! 

I've been doing really well overall, detaching, getting stronger, healthier, less afraid. About a week ago I asked DH if he were ready to move forward with the paperwork now that his building is finally done, and he is renting it out. He told me months ago after he spoke of his desire to file for dissolution that he wouldn't do anything until his building was done. I am ready to move forward and get some legal and financial protection from the debt and his involvement with his partner (the one with two felonies).

After many months of very little contact with me, now he is turning back up the contact through emails and has gone back to saying the same old things that he did before about me.  I have not had to fight the 'do not engage' battle for a long time. I responded this week to his accusation that I was being secretive and not responding to his emails - my response was that I had not checked my email for a long time, which is true. I stepped into the trap, defending I guess, by even saying that much. His words were baiting me, and he of course said that while I won't communicate, he will. I see that he is projecting himself as being the better one in this, and I know it is pointless to respond. It is hard to ignore the hurtful words, and any response of mine goes nowhere.

I wonder if this isn't his last effort to try and bring me back to him, through engagement, and thus avoid the dissolution? I started reading his newest email tonight, feeling nauseous and scared because it takes me back to where we were before we separated, and his words are his beliefs about me being controlling because he was getting dementia. They are repeats of what he has been saying for months and months. Somehow he thinks he is helping with his words to point out what he believes I have done. It almost makes me physically sick. I cannot win this battle, and it's not a war I want to fight. I just want to be done and stop having these attacks directed at me. I don't believe he sees them as attacks. My body responds that they are.

Staying the course is tough. I think it takes more courage to turn the other cheek and maintain healthy choices/boundaries for myself than it does to respond. He is disordered. I know he's not the enemy, but it is about learning to keep myself safe. I see so much opportunity to practice protection of Wools from all those years growing up when she was not able to do so as a child with a BPD mom. Learning to put it all into practice.

Wools

[Woolspinner2000]

It's been a while since I last posted, but tonight I'm needing my family here to remind me that I'm not crazy. Well, maybe we all are crazy in our own way! 

I've been doing really well overall, detaching, getting stronger, healthier, less afraid. About a week ago I asked DH if he were ready to move forward with the paperwork now that his building is finally done, and he is renting it out. He told me months ago after he spoke of his desire to file for dissolution that he wouldn't do anything until his building was done. I am ready to move forward and get some legal and financial protection from the debt and his involvement with his partner (the one with two felonies).

After many months of very little contact with me, now he is turning back up the contact through emails and has gone back to saying the same old things that he did before about me.  I have not had to fight the 'do not engage' battle for a long time. I responded this week to his accusation that I was being secretive and not responding to his emails - my response was that I had not checked my email for a long time, which is true. I stepped into the trap, defending I guess, by even saying that much. His words were baiting me, and he of course said that while I won't communicate, he will. I see that he is projecting himself as being the better one in this, and I know it is pointless to respond. It is hard to ignore the hurtful words, and any response of mine goes nowhere.

I wonder if this isn't his last effort to try and bring me back to him, through engagement, and thus avoid the dissolution? I started reading his newest email tonight, feeling nauseous and scared because it takes me back to where we were before we separated, and his words are his beliefs about me being controlling because he was getting dementia. They are repeats of what he has been saying for months and months. Somehow he thinks he is helping with his words to point out what he believes I have done. It almost makes me physically sick. I cannot win this battle, and it's not a war I want to fight. I just want to be done and stop having these attacks directed at me. I don't believe he sees them as attacks. My body responds that they are.

Staying the course is tough. I think it takes more courage to turn the other cheek and maintain healthy choices/boundaries for myself than it does to respond. He is disordered. I know he's not the enemy, but it is about learning to keep myself safe. I see so much opportunity to practice protection of Wools from all those years growing up when she was not able to do so as a child with a BPD mom. Learning to put it all into practice.

Wools

[babyducks]

I see that he is projecting himself as being the better one in this,

Hi Wools  

How I remember the projecting to be the better one.    That was/is the most insidious poison.   and the constant drip drip drip of it was very hard to take.   Like water on rock it wore away my self esteem, ego, peace of mind.    it was the very definition of toxic.    it was harmful.

I think your body is correct.    These are in their way attacks.   and your reaction is normal.    Like a drowning person who swamps and pulls under their rescuer,  the 'let me explain to you how I am the better person' game is always done at the expense of the listener.

I'll be happy to provide some reminders.    You are no longer communicating with him to soothe or please or be emotionally connected with him.   What he thinks is no longer of the highest priority.     What you think is of the highest priority.    It's BIFF all the way.     Avoid the trap of 'owing' a response.    Avoid the trap of 'having' to read the email.    You are 100% in control of what you read, when you read it and if you respond.

I would also say this is not, IMHO, turning the other cheek.     It's protecting and defending Wools .   It's a positive not a (perceived) negative.

Verbal abuse is such a slippery thing.     My Ex had a positive genius for covert verbal abuse.    Some one else said this but I like it so; "Relentlessly difficult people exert power and control by defining your reality for you."     A lot of what my Ex said sounded on the surface to be so benign,   so harmless.    it wasn't.    of course covert verbal abusers want to define our reality so they can control our reality.

and the flip side of the coin was/is I am not good at self validation.     I am not good at estimating what and how much I need to do to insulate myself from toxic encounters.   I tend to berate myself.    Oh you had a toxic encounter,.. oh you had a stressful encounter …. why aren't you over that yet?    Never thinking that I need to take some action to recover from a toxic/stress blast.      I just moved.   after 21 years at the old place I am in a bright and shiny new place.     Boy what an effort.   I am stunningly surprised at how much just pure rest this has required.   How many times I have had to say to myself;   "ducks you can't do any more today.. take the rest of the night off".

so on behalf of baby ducks and fuzzy sheep everywhere... I hereby officially declare today an official duck and sheep holiday where lingering over warm beverages, goofing off and gentle jocularity will be encouraged without limit.

'ducks

[confusedbybdp]

 

Dear Wools,

I just wanted to write to give you some encouragement.  You wrote, I don't believe he sees them as attacks. My body responds that they are.  I learned in my r/s with my uBPDexbf that my body was smarter than I was.  I believe next time that I will listen to it, and not let my mind (thoughts or emotions) override it.  It's a trust your gut kind of thing.

What you described reminds me of PTSD.  It doesn't take much when we've been hurt so badly to trigger the feelings we had with past abuse/disagreements, etc.  You have a double whammy because you experienced a BPD parent and a BPD partner.  Please be gentle on yourself, as your reactions are normal and healthy. 

Whatever his intentions are, he clearly is using strategies to get under your skin.  Whether he is doing it to intentionally irritate you or because he thinks it's "helpful," it doesn't really matter, in my opinion.  Your body is reacting to it, and I trust your reactions.  I would suggest continuing to do what you're doing - engage with him if you must, but maybe try to keep it short and businesslike. If he wants to discuss something that doesn't need discussing, like rehashing the past, you could say that you hear what he's saying (maybe this will validate him and quiet his need to badger you?), but that it's best for you not to dwell in the past. 

I don't know if that's helpful, but keep writing to us.  Keep saying in your mind this is more about who he is than who you are.  You sound like a strong woman, and you've already traveled a long distance in protecting yourself and your boundaries.  Keep going the way you're going! 

Warmly, Confused by BPD No More!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wools, I agree w/confusedbybpd and babyducks and suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  I didn't, and got into a lot of trouble as a result in my marriage to my BPDxW.

No, you are not crazy!  Sure, he's trying to get you to engage.  Suggest you keep good boundaries and avoid responding in knee-jerk fashion.  Suggest you allow time for reflection and to determine whether a reply is even warranted.  If so, decline to JADE!

LJ

[zachira]

I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Though unsettling, it is not surprising that your husband is fighting taking the steps that will mean your marriage is over, that you are divorced. You are the one who has been preparing for being divorced for a long time, whereas your husband has never been willing to take responsibility for how he has treated you and continues to blame you for his bad behaviors. I think you are doing everything you can to move forward. Of course, you want it to be over. Can you talk with your lawyer on how to best keep the divorce proceedings moving forward?

[Woolspinner2000]

so on behalf of baby ducks and fuzzy sheep everywhere... I hereby officially declare today an official duck and sheep holiday where lingering over warm beverages, goofing off and gentle jocularity will be encouraged without limit.

Thanks, babyducks! This made me smile.  You had a lot of good things to say. Someone else gets what covert abuse is about. It's tough. Oh the questions we can ask ourselves after hearing over and over the toxic words that defined us for so long. Am I really that way? We begin to believe what they say as our reality. I'm definitely so much better not having heard for months the things DH says in his emails about me. I was reflecting this week how much the pull is there to step back into the learned pattern I grew up with: to soothe DH (I soothed my parents too), to take the blame, to try and divert the anger. While the pull is strong, after having a taste of being healthier, that pull to not step back in is even stronger yet.

Hi confused!  Thank you! Yes, this makes sense:

What you described reminds me of PTSD.  It doesn't take much when we've been hurt so badly to trigger the feelings we had with past abuse/disagreements, etc. 

I had rather forgotten this. My T said I have PTSD, so it isn't a surprise that I was re-triggered by DH's emails and words. I have been a bit more careful since this last bout, and when another email came, I started a file for them in my email box per my T suggestion, and I won't read them. I can always have a friend scan the emails and tell me any important facts but leave out all the other things. It's one way to stay safer emotionally.

Also I appreciate hearing from LuckyJim and zachira, thank you. Learning to trust ourselves, it's such a big step!
I reached out to my attorney last week and am waiting for a call back. DH texted this week that 'it's time' so here we are. I have been off sick from work all week with the flu, so today I got online and worked on a separation agreement. We have spoken about the division verbally but now it's time to get it down into writing. I hope it goes somewhat smoothly. Maybe I hope in vain! Time to keep good boundaries established and watch for myself through this whole process.

Wools