Drugs are becoming a daily occurrence

[Overseas]

Hi there this is my first post after some time lurking in the background reading others posts and empathising.
My 16 year old dd is now taking drugs and it’s becoming her daily weed self medication. It’s been four years we’re living with her bpd traits, psychiatrist won’t officially diagnose till she’s 18. We’ve had two suicide attempts, self harming,  hospital stays, inpatient stays, weekly therapy, DBT therapy courses,CBT, family therapy, you name it, we’ve tried it and nothing works. She plans to move out next year with a friend she met in inpatient unit into a caravan. With what money I don’t know. She falls out with everyone, she loves or hates you, she unpredictable and emotionally unstable, I’m just so sick of it, it never ends. I do get help for myself if that’s what your wondering, but just recently gave dd my own very good therapist so hence this post as I no longer go for my sessions. My husband is sick to death of talking about her, my life is consumed with her and I have two other younger children to think about. Our marriage has suffered and we’re trying our best but now that she is bringing drugs into our house and walking in stoned I’ve just had enough. I found a bottle of vodka hidden in her room and she told me she doesn’t like the taste of  alcohol, she is also on antidepressants (so am I now) and she takes prescribed sleeping tablets. How much more empathy and patience can I have for her mental illness, I’m tired of walking on egg shells and yes I’ve read the book. She’s dropped out of two schools but is now on a vocational foundation course at a college for people with mental illnesses. She’s thriving on the course, she’s intelligent and bright but that’s the only good thing, of course where ever she goes it who she meets and each time she seems to get involved with new friends and the risks get higher. Thankfully she’s just been cleared of any STI’s after having unprotected sex. Her high risk actions seem endless. She’s overslept for college again today and we plan to tell her to remove any drink or drugs from our house or if we find any we will, I’m waiting for the the rages. Apologies for the rant, I just crave some normality in our family life!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Overseas
I am pretty much where you are at this point, totally fed up with the BPD and drugs. But life must go on so let's figure it out. Is there any chance of you resuming your  sessions with the same or another therapist? Since you already know the self care mantra I won't repeat it. But you know. Couples counseling might also be a good idea.

As for DD being she is 16 you have responsibility for her which you are meeting admirably. You are 100% correct not to allow illegal drugs into the house. What will the consequences be if she continues to do so?

I am in your corner. You are not alone.
Hugs
Faith

[Overseas]

Thanks for the post Faith, Not possible to go back to my therapist right now as my daughter and possibly my therapist would see it as a conflict of interest, but knowing my dd she may not continue going for long, the whole thoughts of going to find another therapist feels far too exhausting especially with such a long history to report, it also took 3 attempts to get the right one, my therapist also believes that I’m good to go it alone for now, so probably just having a bit of a wobble the last few days, also my husband would probably divorce me if I suggested couple therapy as he’s sick of the sight of therapists at this stage

[Overseas]

Sorry Faith just lost the rest of my post, but I was saying to myself you are asking the same question what consequences can we put in place?

[Resiliant]

Hi Overseas,
I join Faith in saying welcome to the group.   When I read your post I felt like I have so much to say I could write a book!   I dealt with this with my step-daughter from my first marriage when she was 15, and somewhat with my own son.   I would love to tell you what worked and what failed miserably.   This is going to take many conversations and I will share what I can when I can.
Good news is that you are here, and you are still with your husband so you are not alone.
I have to make this short and sweet today, but I will be back.  My advice to you is to prioritize your relationship with your husband, plan some regular time together - go on a date or whatever and try to avoid making your daughter the topic of discussion.  The more that you are a team the better. 
You asked what could the consequences be.  What I did was tell my children that if there are illegal drugs in the house and I don't do anything about it that makes me an accessory.  In a firm way I told them that if I find drugs in the house I will call the police about it.   Whatever you decide, it has to be something that you will follow through on and your child needs to know that you will follow through.
Having said that - and I'm sure many people may disagree with me - I did not fight with my son about his use of weed.  Why?  Honestly he was such a nicer person on weed!  It slowed his brain down and we had much less anger issues.  I know, I know it sounds contradictory and sounds like I am condoning it.  I'm not suggesting that for you, just being honest.  I just didn't make it a fight that is all.  Not saying that you should do or feel the same way.   
It's good that you have read some books.  My very first book that introduced me to to BPD was Valerie Porr's book called "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, a Family Guidle for Healing and Change".   I still have to leave a book review on this site and I plan to do so when I get a chance because I noticed that some people love it and others not so much.  All I can say is that it helped me tremendously.
When I first read your post the term "Radical Acceptace" came to mind.  My personal belief and experience is that the more we learn, the more we accept what is the less we will feel like victims, the less we will ride the emotional rollercoasters and the more empowered we will be.  You need strength, your husband needs strength and your relationship does too. 
Okay, I said short and sweet but I see that I rambled.  All the best! 

[Overseas]

Thanks Resilient, both yours and Faith’s posts resonate with me. I kind of agree with you Resilient when my dd is stoned she’s easier to deal with, now my husband would be anti any drugs and pushed that we search her room and throw out anything we find, I was in two minds because I see that it calms her as a self medication, less harmless then the self harming she does but the problem is that it’s escalated, gone from a couple of joints on the weekend to nipping out of the house 9:30 pm on a Monday evening to have a quick smoke, now it’s everyday till she runs out. I know she is meeting a drug dealer not getting it through a ‘friend’ which really worries me, with recent cases over here of families having to leave their home before it gets petrol bombed by drug gangs for some kid owing money, and it’s not a lot of money to begin with but interest is added, and we live in a ‘nice’ area in south Dublin. Her behaviour is risky and I wonder how far she would go now to get her high. She also is on antidepressants and sleeping tablets and I worry about psychosis and schizophrenia.Her psychiatrist has spoken to her about these development risk but she doesn’t listen, she’s a teen after all. I agree with what you say about radical acceptance, and we have come to this point and have even discussed that there’s a good possibility that she will kill herself if not in her teens but sometime later we will never know, my husband also said that really wouldn’t blame her if she did, as who would want to live with the symptoms of this mental illness. And I know that’s a terribly sad thing to say and still cling on to hope that she will gain some control. It’s very difficult to prioritise your marriage, when most days it’s a struggle to take the dog for a walk which I push myself to do. It’s hard to talk to friends as the really don’t understand what it’s like to live with this.

[Resiliant]

Hi Overseas,
I completely understand.  Psychosis is a serious concern, as well as who she is surrounding herself with.
The first time that my son mentioned suicidal thoughts I prepared myself.  Thank goodness I have never had to deal with any attempts, just several "threats".  They aren't always in a threatening way, the first few times he was just very somber and said that he didn't think he was long for this world.  I read up on suicide, read about the right and wrong things to say to someone contemplating suicide just to be as prepared as possible.  If you scroll back on Faith's posts back when she was discussing how to deal with constant suicide threats you will see a post from - I think it was Blue Moon - about what to ask and say.  It's a fear that we all have and it breaks my heart when I read about so many parents on this site who deal with actual suicide attempts such as Faith recently.  I hope that I can learn from these other people on the site and learn from their experiences.   All the best - thinking of you! 

[Resiliant]

Oh - and one more thing that I just remembered.   When my step-daughter was your daughter's age (she is now in her 40's, married with 4 children and all seems to be good on the home front) her father and I took her and her brother for a walk through the east side of Vancouver.  There were lots of homeless people, lots of heroin addicts etc.    We wanted it to sink in with our kids what drugs can do to people.  She got an eyeful.  At the same time we didn't once look at her and say "if you continue, this is where you are headed"!   We wanted her to own that thought herself.  We felt that let's face it she's smart enough to come up with that and if we push it she will push it away.   We treated it like we were just touring.  Again not suggesting that is what you should do but I feel like it had an impact on her.   Just sharing some experiences! 
Cheers 

[FaithHopeLove]

My son also uses drugs and until he got arrested he also sold them
 A lot. Like felony weight which is why he is currently on probation
When he lived with us we allowed some weed use but then it escalated. When we found out he was dealing out of our basement and putting us in danger of losing our home in the event of an arrest  we threw him out. That is why I keep asking you what the consequences will be if your daughter keeps bringing drugs into your house. I don't know what the laws are in Ireland but I assume if the police discover illegal drugs in your home you will be arrested along with your daughter.  She  is not only putting herself in danger. She is putting you in danger. For me and my husband that was where we drew the line. You and your husband need to decide what your own limits will be. I am not trying to be harsh just honest because I have been there with the whole drugs in the house thing and I know how bad it can get and I really want the best for you and your family. I hope this helps.

[Overseas]

Found an almost empty bottle of vodka and some empty bags I’d weed, the consequences will be if any alcohol or drugs are found in our house they will be disposed of. Very difficult to give her a punishment as we don’t give her anything no money, no credit etc and if you tried to ground her she’d just walk out. Any other suggestions of consequences are appreciated. We don’t get any suicide threats just two actual attempts, last one was 36 paracetamol which we had no idea about, thought she’d gone to school, so she’s not one to threaten, keeps it very closed in. Occasionally we had an ex-inpatient friend of hers telling us that’s shes suicidal and she’s found a place, but thankfully they’ve talked her down. We’re waiting for a referral to go through now for another inpatient stay, which will get her away from the drugs and her phone but unfortunately our experiences have shown inpatient doesn’t get her better only worse

[FaithHopeLove]

Disposing of any drugs that are found seems like a reasonable idea. Is calling the police also an option ? Just thinking out loud.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Overseas]

I don’t believe the police would be interested, they don’t have time, and it’s normal practice that they just confiscate the weed if I stay for personal use but we did think of that one

[Overseas]

Finally got her into a youth alcohol and drug group next week, let’s see if she’ll go,.?