Tired of Being a Caretaker Instead of a Wife

[GoldenBubble]

Hi..51 YO woman married to high-conflict man with strong borderline traits.  His counselor rejects a BPD diagnosis but confirmed many narcissitic traits (not enough for NPD).  Going through the latest of his "every 3 month" disappearing act (picks fight with me, gets physical with me when I try to flee, cancels work for rest of the week, stays away from house for 2-3 nights, often gets drunk).  This ALWAYS  happens on a Monday morning between 6:30 - 9:00 am.  He runs his own business so he can "call in sick" whenever he wants. 

In the past I would get very scared about his ruining his business, losing money, etc and I would try to manage that.  But now I have safeguards in place that I can still pay bills and provide for myself and my kids (previous marriage).  That's has helped me a lot in terms of not feeling like I have to placate his behavior because of financial concerns.

I'm almost to the point of accepting that every 3 months he needs to call in sick to life, lay around, not work, eat junkfood, drink, and have no responsibilities, have me take care of him and everything.  I used to think it was me provoking him but trying to hide in a bathroom is not provocation.  It's fear.  He did this before we married.  He used to blame his adult sons.  They quit talking to him 2 years ago.  Then he started blaming his dad.  His dad quit talking to him 6 months ago.  Now he's blaming my "disrespect" because I want to lock myself inside a bathroom when I feel unsafe around him.  My 17 YO son told him last night "You need to back off" when my husband was trying to force me out of the car as I was trying to drive my kids somewhere.  My husband freaked out and left.  He seems to believe that it's OK for him to "force" me to listen to him.  He's obsessed with "sharing his feelings" although I rarely get to reciprocate.  My feelings are an "attack" on his character or "disrespect".  He wants to get me isolated in a room and make me sit quietly and listen to him rant for 45 minutes about his feelings, which usually is free-floating anxiety and delusion.  I've been accused of cheating on him because I went to the nail salon, grocery store, for a drive, even to get fitted for my wedding dress.  I thought the stability of a good marriage would fix his fears but it hasn't.  Sometimes we'd be on the phone and he'd be saying over and over again how much he loves me and then he would whisper very very quietly "I hate you".  I pretended to not hear but I know he said it.  He's threatened to kill me, himself, my son...and then accuses me of flinging his past in his face if I talk about how much that scares me. 

I spent all day yesterday listening to the audio version of "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I know there are changes I can make to improve my life.  One is to stop thinking it's my job to manage his business, cashflow, FOO issues, drinking problem, poor health, and emotional states.  I tried to put boundaries in place the last time he did this (July) but they were the wrong ones and I realize today are unenforceable. 

I know he will be coming back and I need a strategy to stay calm and not let him upset me.  My running away from him seems to provoke him but he's so aggressive I have to get away.  Any help will help so I thank you all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome to the family, GoldenBubble!

I'm glad you've found us here because we're a supportive community with a lot of help and experience to share. We "get it" and we want to help. You're in a safe space.

It sounds like you have a lot you're having to deal with. Your H's pattern of behavior would be emotionally and physically exhausting to deal with and I'm so sorry. That is good that you listened to the Eggshells book -- that's the one that brought me here. And, yes, there are changes you can make. We can help you with that.

First, though, and I don't want to alarm you, but you make several mentions of physical violence and that makes me concerned for your safety. Have you ever reached out to a local domestic violence agency? I found myself having to do that last year and the counseling I received was invaluable.

[Wulphesse]

Hello GoldenBubble,

Yes, I can relate. Even the intervals are similar: about 3 months.

It's fantastic that you've put some financial safeguards in place. Please safeguard yourself as well.

I have to second what Ozzie101 said about safety. I think my husband stops short of actually making threats to kill me particularly because he knows it would alarm professional authorities (he's spent plenty of time around them), but I think I would have received a much different response from the domestic violence community if he actually said it.

[GoldenBubble]

Hi everyone...to clarify...husband never said "I'm going to kill you" because he's too smart for that.  And I don't believe he meant it because it was more subtle.  He would strap a gun on his side and walk around the house after a big fight.  I'm not afraid of him killing me--I'm afraid of him doing something to get himself arrested because he's very fixated on being respected.  He says things like "I'm not gonna stand flatfooted and take this.  I'm gonna stand up for myself" just because someone has a different opinion.  I guess I'm most concerned that I will be forced to make a call to 911 and that bothers me more than anything because I have a phobia of cops (long story from my past).  He's made an enemy of our neighbor because of his hostility and arrogance.  The neighbor has reported him to the county for zoning violations and now my husband has a vendetta against him.

He got mad at my son and said if he didn't quit being "disrespectful" (his catch all phrase for when we aren't doing what he wants) he was gonna take him out back and beat his skull in.  He claims that that's normal talk between men and I shouldn't take it literally.  It still bothers me.

[Ozzie101]

Whatever he said, no, that's not normal talk. It's not OK.

We have a couple of items here I hope you'll take a look at.

The first is a Safety Plan. It's a very good thing to work through and have in mind for when a potentially dangerous situation arises:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

The other is the MOSAIC threat assessment test. It's used by law enforcement agencies and other experts to gauge a situation. It's completely anonymous and confidential. I took it last year and scored a 6. I hope you'll take it when you feel up to it and let us know your score:
https://www.mosaicmethod.com

It's a lot, I know, and it can be overwhelming. It was for me, too. But just knowing that I had a plan (though I've never ended up needing it) did wonders for my own emotional strength and morale. That, and the support and understanding I got from other members here. We just want to make sure you're OK. How do you feel about working up a Safety Plan?

[Ray2017]

I wanted to reiterate what Ozzie said about both the MOSAIC assessment and having a safety assessment (my threat level was also a 6).  When my husband rages, he's made specific threats about harming people (though not me or our children) and the kind people here stressed I have plans.  I won't lie, getting things together secretly scared me as much as hearing the threats, but I am so happy now that I did, having a concrete plan should things go really badly.  Like Ozzie, I haven't had to implement it, but knowing what I need to do should it arise is worth that initial fear.