Dating again; how to explain BPD ex to new/potential partner(s)?

[PeteWitsend]

Hi all.  was hoping to get a little guidance on this topic.  i've been in a couple short term relationships (more like flings) since I've gotten divorced, and the questions around why I got divorced occasionally come up (some seem curious). 

so specific questions:

1) When I have talked about it, usually not too deeply, I get reactions that have ranged from understanding & sympathy (usually from those who are themselves divorced) to slightly skeptical concern... like I can tell they're thinking "It takes 2 to Tango, Buddy!" and suspecting I share some of the blame

I don't know whether to mention or how to describe what it's like to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.

should I even try, or just leave it as a more general "we just weren't compatible" explanation?

I don't want anyone to think I gave up easily on my commitment (was married 5 1/2 years)

BUT, I also don't want them to think I'm talking about it because I'm still not over it.

2) For those of you in relationships with someone who has a BPD-ex, or have entered into new relationships, how did it come up? 

When did you learn your partner's ex was BPD or possibly BPD if undiagnosed?

Or for those with BPD exes, how did you explain the situation?

[worriedStepmom]

On our 3rd date we talked briefly about our divorces.  Neither of us knew anything about BPD.  He said something along the lines of - her anxiety was out of control, and he asked for a divorce when he realized she wasn't going to get better because he couldn't let his then-2-year-old be raised full-time in that unhealthy environment.

I was a little skeptical, but he was very sincere, so I gave him a chance and eventually realized how badly he'd understated the issues!   For me, the most powerful statement was (months later) when we talked about our expectations for each other as stepparents. He said "I just want you to show SD what a healthy woman looks like.  I want her to realize she doesn't have to grow up to be like her mom."

You may just need a simple statement like - "My ex has mental health challenges that she refuses to address.  Our marriage was toxic and I couldn't see a path forward to make it better."

[livednlearned]

the questions around why I got divorced occasionally come up (some seem curious)

Something you can say, to run with what you've mentioned is: "They say it takes two to tango and while I can explain to myself what happened, I'm still trying to distill the takeaways in way that others can easily make sense of. I guess what I can say is that I learned a lot about myself from that relationship."

Part of what you're asking is how to have boundaries in conversations that can lead to intimate moments. Using language to go slow is one way to apply brakes if you are the type of person who has a hard time with boundaries.

I don't know whether to mention or how to describe what it's like to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.

Start fresh. Talk about qualities you're working on in yourself to help you be successful in the next relationship. You learned about your values, your limits, what is required to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

I don't want anyone to think I gave up easily on my commitment (was married 5 1/2 years)

This is an opportunity to demonstrate how to others how to treat you. If you don't want to feel judged about something that is so private and meaningful, you can't judge yourself  

If it comes up, and you feel comfortable discussing, why not say, "I take marriage seriously, so going through a divorce was among the most painful, sobering things I've experienced."

I also don't want them to think I'm talking about it because I'm still not over it.

Do you feel you're over it?

[mart555]

I'd also provide a link to the following books and say "it's more common than you think, they even write books about it because it's so toxic:
Splitting (Bill Eddy)
Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist..
and a bunch of other books.

[MeandThee29]

I'm not on the market at all and may never be, but a friend who went through a high conflict divorce recommended Bill Eddy's newer book on dating. She said it helped her frame things in a more concrete way.

I'd run the other way from anyone who says "it takes two to tango." It does because we all have our baggage, but that's a narrow, simplified view. You can't tango with a gorilla who wants to smash you (LOL).

[Meandmytwins]

I recently went through this.  Got divorced  a year ago.  Only went on a few dates (forced myself to go) and then stumbled on an amazing girl who I have been dating for a year now. The question about why the marriage failed always came up. I’m not sure there is a right answer, and my response probably changed depending on who  I was talking to and whether or not I felt like divulging anything    . If I had no interest in my date, I wouldn’t give her much.  No reason to.  What I said to my now girlfriend was something like, “There are some people that mostly see things in black and white, and have a hard time understanding that there are lots of shades of gray in between. Ultimately, it became very hard to compromise on almost any issue, including our kids.  The more complex life became, the more it became obvious that it would be impossible to partner together effectively.  And so I made the best choice for myself and for my kids, and Im 100% confident it was the best decision for the family.” 
   My girlfriend now knows everything and she is totally supportive and all in.  So this is one approach, but more than one way to skin a cat.  What you prob don’t want to do is over share and ramble on too much.  Might be a huge turn off to your date. 

[dt9000]

I have found that people don't really 'get it' until they see the pwBPD in action. Whether they are friends, family or a new romantic partner. I've tried to explain the disorder in detail, told horror stories of my marriage, and handed out articles on BPD; but no one truly gets it until they see my BPDex in action. Then they are like, oh I see what you've been dealing with all these years.

So today my first response is to say 'it's complicated' or to borrow a phrase from my attorney "we experienced unhappy differences". If someone is looking for more info I may talk about how I tried for a long time to make it work but couldn't. However that doesn't explain the smear campaign, legal issues and custody struggle. I've realized that true friends and the 'right' romantic partner will understand, and will accept pieces of the story over time.

I'm in a new relationship and around the time of our third date, my BPDex called my new interest and raged at her over the phone for about 30 minutes. My ex did enough stalking to find her phone number, home address, age, family members, place of employment, criminal background (she had/has none), etc. My new interest then called me and we had a long discussion about BPD. LOL! I don't think there is anything one can do to prepare someone for a phone call like that. It's just not something people outside of the BPD community would believe.

dt9000